Can a museum follow strict religious regime?

Faithful reader I am back from a summer sojourn touring around Engalnd's motor museums on my bike. I meditated deeply while pedalling to Beaulieu. Certainly I began to understand the Buddha's philosophy that all life is suffering. Even a new padded saddle purchased from Halford's on the M3 at Winchester failed to ease my pain. Are saddle sores a barrier to achieving Nirvana? Undaunted, in true Buddhist fashion I do cherish the (museum) world and love it without limit, so a sore bottom is a small price to pay for the knowledge that I will be reborn as an object in one of the world's great museums, I'm not being picky, but the Smithsonian will do nicely.

These spiritual meanderings have led me to think I should review our museum practice based on religious doctrines. Given that my museum operates within a Judeo-Christian culture I should stop following the pathway of Buddhism by trying to make all museum visitors suffer. But can the wisdom of the Bible help? I only quote from the King James version which is the greatest, best and only version worthy of God's true wisdom. I would recommend a quick perusal of the book of Leviticus for some eye watering religious requirements, but I will start more gently with St. Paul's first epistle to Timothy in Ephesus.

1. Dress code (1 Timothy 2:9)
"...that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;"

Not really a problem, but it is tempting to try and confiscate the pearls from the necks of some of our regular visitors which might help balance the budget. 

also (Leviticus 19:19)

"...neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee."

Oh dear, many of my suits are consigned to the dustbin as well.

2. Canteen menu (Leviticus 11:4 & 11:29)

"...shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you."

"These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse, and the tortoise after his kind,"

I have no problem taking camels and mice off the cafe menu, although foregoing the occasional weasel butty may be more of a hardship.

3. Personal Appearance (Leviticus 19:28)

"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you:"

Sadly I'm going to have to let our 16 year old work experience girl, Wendy, go as her penchant for 'body art' condemns her to hell. A quick trip to get the likeness of Simon Schama removed from my left buttock is already pencilled in the diary.

4. Remuneration (Proverbs 23:4)

"Labour not to be rich: cease from thine own wisdom."

This is not usually a problem in the museum world, but a swift cut of volunteer expenses should suffice. I interpret, 'cease from thine own wisdom' as 'don't think about it too much', which will be my retort when they complain.

5. School Visits (Psalms 137:9)

"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

I can but dream.

6. Sunday opening (Exodus 31:15)

"...whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death."

That puts an end to that argument 

7. Staff Room Manners (Ephesians 5:4)

"Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks."

That should cut down the ribald conversation from my blue-rinse volunteers at tea breaks

8. Respect for senior staff (Leviticus 19:32) 

"Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man,"

It is already on the noticeboard in the staff room. 

9. New interpretation strategy? (Leviticus 19:16)

"Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people:"

Remove all object labels and interpretation panels and see what happens?

10. Homosexuality is OK in a museum (Levitics 18:22)

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

Given the prevailing view to interpret the bible literally, we have general policy that there should be no lying down in our display areas. That means no sleepovers in the galleries which is a bit of a shame, but it does mean that everyone is welcome in our museum.

You may think I have selected randomly from the bible and removed the context of the quotations (just like a museum collection) and can be open to criticism. 

Such criticisms are irrelevant as they will confirm that I am already on the express train to eternal damnation and that many of you are on the train with me, so let's enjoy living life and the myriad of experiences that the world has to offer; the alternative is less attractive:

"Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword." (Deuteronomy 13:15)

 God help us all.

 

Tweet To Who

It is time to reflect on the Twitter experience.

The Museum of Unreason has been active in social media for 84 days. Why is this significant? 84 days was the record breaking amount of time for a man to spend in space (Jerry Carr on Skylab in case you were wondering). So as we are poised to break his record for time spent in (cyber)space where is the Museum of Unreason in this brave new virtual world?

46 out of 100 must do better
www.tweet.grader.com has marked the museum as 46 out 100 - we fail! Although I'm sure the modern education system does not allow failure, so we can claim alternative success. Further inspection bears this out.

5,902,876th out of 175,000,000 go to the top of the class
The Museum is ranked 5,902,876th is this good? Yes, why?
Twitter claims 175m. accounts. This puts the Museum in the top 5% (3.37%) of users. Success!
There are 56 million people following no-one. The Museum is following 31. Success!
There are 90 million people with zero followers. The Museum has 30 followers. Success!
Over 50% of accounts have 2 followers or fewer. The Museum is therefore in the top 50%. Success!

Best Tweeters starting 84 days ago

Hats of to @austinadderley1 7,795 followers and 10,507 updates (125 tweets a day) (1 every 5 minutes). Epic commitment and he deserves all the followers he gets. This is a 100 out 100 tweeter.

Hats off to @CondeElevator 88,663 followers from only 36 updates (2,462 followers for every tweet) based on things overheard in lifts. Has a museum tried this?

Hats off @andrewtmccarthy 7,982 followers from 390 updates. Alright I've only included him as he is a famous person that started the same day as the museum. The world should be grateful to him for 'Weekend at Bernie's' anyway

Best museum Tweeters

Hats off to @TacomaArtMuseum 5,062 followers for 786 updates. The top museum scoring100 out of 100 using the tweet.grader.com system

Hats off to @smithsonian 535,732 followers from 5,074 updates. epic numbers 100 out of 100

Museum of Unreason Social Media Forward Plan

The Museum of Unreason plans to be the best the museum on Twitter therefore we will have to have 600,000 within another 84 days. How?

We will tweet every 4 minutes, about the things overheard in a museum, whilst making a comic B movie about a dead body.

Bloggling: Can Museums Help Tech?

Museums are beginning to engage with 21st Century technology in the same way they failed to embrace the 20th Century. Naturally this leap is causing some problems. What do we do with social media?

As befits one of the world's great museums of the world the Smithsonian has been leading the way. They are fortunate in that they can have a Head of Mobile Strategy. At the other end of the scale we have a member of staff who knows what a smart phone is. So we need to learn from the big boys.

The Smithsonian's offering is mind bloggling (my new word for mind-boggling blogging) mobile & crowdsourcing apps, but also visual recognition and augmented reality systems.

What can be done on a fraction of the budget and yet still be up with the times? Cloudy thinking is needed.

Museums traditionally over time have redefined themselves to reflect the world around them. A pro active museum in the 21st Century should redefine the world to match the museums world. The world for most museums = no staff, no money. So get a grip of new technology by redefining what it is.

New museum definitions for social media

1. Facebook = a book with picture of the author on the front
2. Twitter = pre-pubescent conversation

3. Mobile app or application = using a caravan
4. Crowdsourcing = get the public to your work for you
5. Visual recognition = not ignoring people you know
6. Augmented reality = just make it bigger

Having redefined the digital world its time to put into practice the new museum digital agenda. Here is the alternative manifesto for the digital world for museums with no money.

1. Write a guide to the museum, but instead of a glossy publication do a cheap photocopy with a picture of you on the front, fold it carefully and sit on it. The boss comes and says we should be on Facebook you can legitimately say 'I'm on top of it sir/madam/you cretin'* (*delete as appropriate for the set of values inherent in your organisation)
2. Record the next school group that comes through your door and put it on a sound loop and play it regularly. The boss comes in and says we should be tweeting (see 1 for appropriate response).
3. Tell your boss you need to be given time to work on a mobile app then hire a caravan and go on holiday to the seaside.
4. Before leaving ask the next customer to mind the desk for you while you pop out (its up to you whether you mention the seaside trip). If the cash till is empty and the customer gone by the time you return you can write a report on the problems of community engagement and blame the boss.
5. Say good morning to the boss for the first time and actually use his/her real name (look it up and practice it beforehand).
6. Advertise the new augmented reality exhibition and charge visitors for magnifying glasses.


You are now offering the same facilities as the Smithsonian (make sure that goes into the marketing leaflet) at a fraction of the cost for a fraction of the audience.

How I Wish This Were True

Paleoanthropology Division 

Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents “conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.” Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the “Malibu Barbie”. It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it’s modern origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the “skull” is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the “ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams” you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
   
   1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
   2. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it’s normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name “Australopithecus spiff-arino.” Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities 

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