The Cult of the East Midlands: a museum manifesto of madness

What is the definition of a cult?

One definition is, "A relatively small group of people having beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister." Read it here first - the museums of the East Midlands have formed a cult and the rest of the heritage world needs to be afraid, very afraid.

I sneaked into their Regional Heritage Conference in Nottingham this week to commence my lunchtime CRUMB protest of non-cooperation (see previous blog) against their relentless desecration of our nation's beautiful legacy of car parks.

It was with relief that the introduction to the themes of the conference did not include a car park eradication policy, but I had a growing sense of unease with their 'stronger together' message. The opening speaker exhorted us all into greater ambition through partnerships (what?!?). I then find not only the speakers from large local authority services, but also small independents and strategic bodies all encouraging each other and sinisterly agreeing amongst themselves. This is not natural. The natural order of things is for strategic bodies to look down on the undeserving services who, in turn ignore the independent museums and for the independents themselves to resent the resources of the big services and who feel excluded from funding streams. It is this spirit of mutual resentment which inhibits ambition and stifles change - the very bedrock of heritage preservation. Who knows what damage can occur when organisations actually help each other?

I consoled myself with the prospect of attending their regional awards that evening. Awards ceremonies are a guarantee resentment and backbiting (Titanic anyone?). A sobering antidote to any utopian fantasies that might be brewing. But what is this? The winner of the main award was actually voted for by other museums. They are actually helping each other win awards! I cried and fled the room.

I woke the next morning hoping it had all been a bad dream, but even worse was to follow. The second day began with the launch of an 'Innovation in Museum Display' initiative which will financially help museums embed the active participation of their audiences with their exhibitions. This was greeted with great enthusiasm. 

The horror! The horror! 

Do these people not understand we have spent years actively discouraging any form of participation by the great unwashed outside our front doors. I tried to stand and decry this folly but my legs gave way under me as I was swamped by the religious fervour. I was painfully reminded of the Anderson report on Scientology (which I've amended appropriately for 21st century museums), 

"The Board is not concerned to find that the scientology [audience engagement] techniques are brainwashing techniques as practiced, so it is understood, in some communist-controlled countries. Scientology [Modern museum] techniques are, nevertheless, a kind of brainwashing..." 

A cult is forming.

The rest of the day was a nightmare vision of co-operation and understanding. The workshops were actually practical! A theatre group, an independent museum and a university combined to tackle management training in museums. A consultant explained different cultural concepts of heritage impacting on interpretation (he didn't seem to be paid to do this - in fact he was paying!) what sort of world is it when a museum consultant doesn't just fleece you and run? Is that the kind of world you want to live in?

The final straw came when the organisers actually solicited views for the future strategic direction of the region. They not only listened but it seemed to directly lead to some actual policy direction. Noooo!!

If the attendees had not been forced to go home I'm sure they would still be there now being nice to each other. It even infected those from outside caught up in the madness - saying things like,"I wish we had something like this in our region." I stumbled out in tears, my world shattered. I vowed never to go back there ever again. They can rip up all the car parks they like in the name of heritage - I just don't care anymore.. I console myself that this is only a small number of people doing these sinister things - it is just a cult at the moment but is it the thin end of the wedge?. There may be others out there (I wouldn't put it past the Americans to be up to this sort of participatory nonsense), but don't let it spread.

Let it remain, a relatively small group of people having beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister.

We owe it to future generations to preserve exhibition elitism and mutual distrust.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Save the Car Parks of the East Midlands - update

Last week I used my blog for an impassioned call to sign a petition against the havoc wreaked upon the car parks of the East Midlands in the name of heritage. Literally thousands of you responded by failing to sign my petition. In the spirit of this revolutionary fervour I'd like you all to continue that level of commitment and continue to not fill in the petition at the link below.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/save-the-car-parks-of-the-east-midlands/

Thus armed with the evidence of an unprecedented level of mass apathy I will ignore the heritage conference taking place in Nottingham next week thereby sending an unsubtle message of invisible protest. In the words of that great  protester Mahatma Gandhi I will take the view that, "Non-cooperation with evil is as much a duty as is cooperation with good."

That will show them.

OK I might still turn up - it's a free conference after all. BUT I will eat the free food in a non-cooperative way . This may result in a lot of crumbs, so if you come across a small pile of debris in the corner of the lunchroom recognise it for the car parking vandalism protest that is the beginnings of a worldwide non-violent protest movement.

"We must not allow ourselves to become like the system we oppose. We cannot afford to use methods of which we will be ashamed when we look back, when we say, '...we shouldn't have done that.' We must remember, my friends, that we have been given a wonderful cause. The cause of car parks! And you and I must be those who will walk with heads held high. We will say, 'We used methods that can stand the harsh scrutiny of history."

Nothing says that more eloquently than a pile of crumbs

with apologies to Archbishop Desmond Tutu for the quote

Save the car parks of the East Midlands

It is with a heavy heart that I feel I must take a break from teaching you how to be better managers to come back to my favourite subject - car parks. Unfortunately its not with good news.

I have had to blog on this before. 'Save Our East Midlands Car Parks' was a particularly unread call to arms in defence of this neglected part of our national heritage. The focus was on the wanton vandalism perpetrated to the car parks in the East Midlands. Since then I have kept my eye on that part of the world, and what I read displeases me greatly.

Usually I read with delight the proliferation of car parks around the world, covering up useless pieces of natural habitat, or as the result of the demolition of buildings too old to be of any use (e.g. castles).
But not in the East Midlands of England where a warped sense of the past still prevails.

Leicester having suitably ignored the presence under one of their car parks of a disastrous monarch that brought to an end a centuries old dynasty through murder and mismanagement, were persuaded to dig him up and now want to celebrate this. What sort of message is the local council sending to its citizens? In the council chamber did they think, 'Let us inconvenience people through the removal of one of the useful symbols of wealth and success of a modern city (the car park) in favour of a celebration of tyranny, murder and ultimate failure (a load of old bones). The world has truly gone mad.

Northampton dug up a car park to find a castle, Lincoln destroyed a car park to build a museum - the madness is endless.

The final straw has come when I read the headline, Another Car Park Another Discovery in the Heritage Daily. http://www.heritagedaily.com/2013/05/1131/ Yet again the good burghers of Leicester are suffering at the hands of heritage vandals. This time the University of Leicester have got their hands on a car park. Academics shouldn't be allowed out - I've been long convinced Universities are a form of care in the community for clever people.  Yet they have discovered 'personal items' such as jewellery and shoes in their car park. If any 'normal' person is found in a car park in possession of digging tools and 'personal items' that do not belong to him he would rightly be arrested - not lauded. That is the kind of moral vacuum that seems to pervade the East Midlands of England.

The time has come to act and the perfect opportunity has presented itself to begin the fight. The East Midlands Museum Service is hosting a conference in Nottingham to support museums and heritage in the region. The programme ignores car parking heritage entirely, but they seem to want ideas for the strategic direction of heritage management in their region. If I am armed with a petition I will demand that car park protection is part of that strategy. I urge all car park thinking people to join me outside to protest then come inside (it's free apparently) to lobby attendees.

Therefore please support me when I present the strength of public feeling to the East Midlands Regional Museums Conference on 5th and 6th June 2013 by signing my petition at the URL link below

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/save-the-car-parks-of-the-east-midlands/

The future of car parks is in your hands.

Corrected Correction Corrected

A short but blunt 'phone call from the Editor of 'Inuits Today' magazine about this morning's blog A Corrected Correction was somewhat negative. Upon re-re-re-reading the blog I realise that even more grammatical errors on my very new intern's part may have led her that conclusion. I have therefore sacked her (recently recruited from the Antarctic Bugle) and replaced her at short notice with my new intern (who asked me to buy his Big Issue on the way to work this morning) to correct the corrected corrections as follows:

1.  "I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between the Arctic and civilisation i.e. anywhere warm. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly good at its main (only) job as I am never assaulted on a regular basis by Inuit dialects when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of warm places without snow all year round." 

should have read,

 "I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between the Antarctic and civilisation i.e. anywhere with polar bears. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly good at its main (only) job as I have never seen any penguins strolling through the leafless suburbs of Nuuk."

2. "..Robin Hood an Eskimo? Unlikely, although it might explain the strange smell of fish "

should have read,

"..Robin Hood a penguin? Not even in a Disney cartoon!"

I hope that any, every and all misunderstandings are now resolved in the confident knowledge that penguins are not avid museum visitors, and even if they were, the absence of fingers and a good internet connection in the Southern Ocean will keep them quiet

My new intern has proved such a help that I have given him the key to the museum while I am at the Museums Association Conference - so if you are in the area pop in and Big Baz and his little mongrel dog Osborne will give you a welcome you won't forget.

Corrected Correction

The reaction to yesterdays blog A Correction from the people of God's Own City (London to you and me) has been somewhat negative. Upon re-re-reading it I realise that a few more grammatical errors on my intern's part may have led some to that conclusion. I have sacked my new intern (from the Yorkshire Post) and replaced him at short notice with my new intern (recently made redundant from the Antarctic Bugle as her articles lacked warmth) to correct the corrections as follows:

1. "I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between London and civilisation i.e. Yorkshire. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly poor at its main (only) job as I am assaulted on a regular basis by fruity southern vowels when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of Doncaster." 

should have read,

 "I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between the Arctic and civilisation i.e. anywhere warm. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly good at its main (only) job as I am never assaulted on a regular basis by Inuit dialects when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of warm places without snow all year round."

2. "..Robin Hood a Londoner? Surely Londoners take from the poor to give to the rich."

should have read,

"..Robin Hood an Eskimo? Unlikely, although it might explain the strange smell of fish "

I hope that any misunderstandings are now resolved and we can all go back to ignoring the north south divide.

Now I can go to the Museums Association Conference confident in the knowledge that my interns have offended everyone equally.

A Correction

The reaction to this weekend's blog More East Midlands Heritage Madness from the people of God's Own County (Yorkshire to you and me) has been somewhat negative. Upon re-reading it I realise that a few grammatical errors on my part may have led some to that conclusion. I have blamed my intern (recently made redundant from the Guardian as a copy editor) so I've given the job to my new intern (recently made redundant from the Yorkshire Post as a t' editor) to make the corrections as follows

1. "I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between Yorkshire and civilisation i.e. London. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly poor at its main (only) job as I am assaulted on a regular basis by flat vowels when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of SW1." 

should have read,

"I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between London and civilisation i.e. Yorkshire. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly poor at its main (only) job as I am assaulted on a regular basis by fruity southern vowels when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of Doncaster." "

2. "..Robin Hood a Yorkshireman? A Yorkshireman knows too much the value of 'brass' to give it away."

should have read,

"..Robin Hood a Londoner? Surely Londoners take from the poor to give to the rich"

Any offence caused was entirely intentional and any resemblance to person or persons is truly remarkable

More East Midlands Heritage Madness

Last week my attention was drawn to the strange world of East Midlands heritage, so I've made it my mission to keep an eye on it so that the rest of you don't have to. However I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that there is something strangely great about this part of the world - but more of that later.

I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between Yorkshire and civilisation i.e. London. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly poor at its main (only) job as I am assaulted on a regular basis by flat vowels when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of SW1.

I hasten to add I do not regard the West Midlands in the same way, things seem to happen there. They've had this Shakespeare bloke producing plays for posh people for ages. Slade and Wizard invented the Christmas party in 1973 with 'Merry Christmas Everybody' and 'I Wish it Could Be Could Be Christmas Everyday'. The world would certainly be a poorer place without Ozzy Osbourne and Robbie Williams. However after a short mental drive up the M42 I could only come up with Paper Lace's 'Billy Don't Be a Hero', a moving celebration of cowardice. At least they had the word lace in their name.

At last I realised they've got Robin Hood, an international signifier of fairness and the struggle of  people for justice. They must be shouting about him from the roof tops. Hmm... apparently not. The best I could find was a celebration of the Sheriff of Nottingham at the Galleries of Justice Museum  - the baddie! This has allowed Doncaster to try and claim him, but Robin Hood a Yorkshireman? A Yorkshireman knows too much the value of 'brass' to give it away.

Then suddenly local BBC website is crowing about 2 multi-million pound Robin Hood extravaganzas. A £13m development at Nottingham Castle and a £13m development in Sherwood Forest.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-20146713

Instantly local academics are questioning their sustainability. It's slightly surprising they are not complaining that it's not the King John Visitor Extravaganza.

However look a bit more closely to see the peculiar East Midlands madness at work.

It seems Nottinghamshire County Council want to build a castle in Sherwood Forest and Nottingham City Council want to recreate Sherwood Forest in the castle. If they want each others assets that badly why don't they just do a swap and spend the £26m on a Paper Lace museum?

Better still - have Nottingham City noticed they haven't got a castle? Spend the £13m knocking down that hideous modern bungalow masquerading as a castle and put up a proper one. Has Nottinghamshire County noticed that Sherwood Forest is down to about half a dozen trees and a 'major oak' held together with concrete and steel girders. Spend the £13m planting trees to recreate the splendour of the original hunting grounds. Problem solved and there may still be a few ££ left over for the Paper Lace museum.

Next week it's the Museum Association conference and I'll be reporting on that extravaganza in my next blog. In the meantime those of you going to Edinburgh this year from Museumland (London) and you are flying over the East Midlands or your train is briefly stopping at Grantham, look out the window and wave at a place of unassuming madness we should all celebrate - the EAST MIDLANDS.

Save Our East Midlands Car Parks

I have felt compelled to break from my usual blogs about the ongoing challenge of managing a modern museum to reflect on disturbing news emanating from the heart of England.

The good burghers of Leicester have recently vandalised a perfectly good car park to find a 500 year old suspect in double child murder case known as Richard III (or known in gangland circles as Triple Dickie). Not so much a cold case as an ice box. What are they going to do? Find the skeleton guilty and sentence him to permanent display in the Galleries of Justice in Nottingham?

This could be put down to an aberration, but then I discover that the wayward citizens of Northampton are busily destroying their car park heritage to find a castle. A castle! A building for which there is no practical use and will be a drain on the local economy. The exact opposite of a car park. What has Leicester started?

Next thing you know Lincoln will be knocking down a perfectly good multi storey car park to put up a new museum unimaginatively called 'The Collection' or something. Oh no, they've already done that.

What is it with the East Midlands? Don't they realise they are merely a region you go through in order to get to somewhere else. Will they attract more visitors by emphasising their violent and murderous past, or have more places to park? I think the answer is obvious.

Lets start a Save our East Midlands Car Parks campaign. In this country we only want to save our heritage when it is under threat. Lets act now before they are all gone. Already they are becoming much more expensive to use- soon we'll stop using them and then there's nothing to stop heritage vandals from putting useless castles in their place.

Act Now! Start a passive resistance campaign. Go shopping in Derby this weekend-by car. The future is in your hands.

You have been warned.