What if....Donald Trump became Director of the Museums Association?

Unexpected things happen.

Leicester City wins the Premier League, Richard III is found in a car park and the X Factor winner didn't get the Christmas number 1 this year. Weird things occasionally happen.

Arguably the most unexpected occurrence recently was the election of a wealthy reality TV star in the USA. Given that he seems to be making a bit of a hash of it, he might leave his post early. He may even be run out of the country by an angry mob. If this did happen where will he go? As he told the great Piers Piers Morgan himself,

“I love Scotland. One of the biggest problems I have in winning, I won’t be able to get back there so often. I would love to go there. As you know, before this happened, I would be there a lot."

So once there he needs to have a hobby, I confidently predict he will establish his Trump Museum purely out of revenge for the Guggenheim having refused to lend him a Van Gogh. But given the slightly scattershot nature to his bilious vendettas he will get his own back on us.

“If someone attacks you, do not hesitate. Go for the jugular.”

My guess, he will go for the most ancient and august museum body in Britain...the Museums Association. There is a director at the moment, the fine and distinctly northern Sharon Heal. She would clearly make a better President of the USA than Donald, let alone of the Museums Association. But she has a fatal flaw. She lacks a strong connection to the Russian mafia. Thus, a bit of fake news here, a little vote rigging there, and 'lock her up' chants will be ringing around Clerkenwell Close before you can say museums change lives.

So what is Donald Trump's perspective on museums. The clever money suggests he doesn't know what one is let alone visited one. Therefore we can expect fresh thinking and fresh action.

Will he learn about museums? He will do so, and very quickly, if his confidence about getting to grips with missiles was not misplaced.

“It would take an hour and a half to learn everything there is to learn about missiles. … I think I know most of it anyway.”

He will be confident. When the MA lobbies government,

"We're going to have so many victories, you will be bored of winning."

In his Art of the Deal, he may have already come painfully close to the truth about museums

"You can create excitement, you can do wonderful promotion and get all kinds of press, and you can throw in a little hyperbole. But if you don't deliver the goods, people will eventually catch on."

Also,

"You need energy.In [museums]*, you need energy as well as brains. Brains is always number one, but you need energy."

This is all potentially positive, but I suspect his support for museums may come at a price.

"I'm interested in protecting none of them unless they pay"

So you can expect your MA membership subscription will go up somewhat alarmingly.

Also we may be faced with:

• A big, beautiful new museum that Mexico will pay for
• 50,000 new jobs in the National Mining Museum
• A ban on Muslims entering all museums
• Arming 20% of curators
• Tariffs on object loans from overseas museums
• The claim that the Eden Project is a Chinese hoax
• The next MA conference to be held at Mar-a-Lago

So on reflection, we should keep Sharon Heal for the time being.  So, in order to save our museums
lets hope DT manages to make America great again.

*authors addition - replacing 'life'

Brexit - Museums Out!

Over the next couple of weeks I will be presenting the rational arguments for leaving or staying in the European Union from an independent museum perspective. I am going to ignore the Museums Association poll that indicates 97% of members think UK museums would be better off in the EU (http://www.museumsassociation.org/museums-journal/news/01032016-would-uk-museums-be-better-off-in-or-out-of-the-eu) . Instead I will step outside the front doors of the museum, step blinking into the sunshine and find out what the outside world is thinking. This week - why we should leave. I have taken the source of my reasoning from the Better Off Out campaign website (http://www.betteroffout.net). Better Off Out was founded in 2006 by The Freedom Association and they have put forward 10 reasons why we should leave (shown in bold) which I have annotated to help museums decide what it means for them.

1. Freedom to make stronger trade deals with other nations.
More loans from the Smithsonian and less loans from the Louvre

2. Freedom to spend UK resources presently through EU membership in the UK to the advantage of our citizens.
Money for museums will be as abundant in the future as now (feel free to give a hollow laugh at this point). 

3. Freedom to control our national borders.
I will still have the keys to the museum's front door, but the lock might now be made in China

4. Freedom to restore Britain’s special legal system.
Freedom to bring back the stocks for OAPs demanding a discount in the shop

5. Freedom to deregulate the EU’s costly mass of laws.

Hoorah, I'm bringing back bent bananas for the cafe, will sell eggs by the dozen in the shop, bring back cleavage to the barmaids at our real ale festival, and may my swedes be turnips for evermore in the farm shop

6. Freedom to make major savings for British consumers.

No free entry for tourists, and a new 'Are you local?' discount

7. Freedom to improve the British economy and generate more jobs.
Dear Santa, I would like a new marketing manager, assistant curator, outreach officer, front of house manager (+3 staff) and a p.a. please.

8. Freedom to regenerate Britain’s fisheries.
Probably of use to the Grimsby Fishing Heritage Centre; less useful to my museum, but if the cost of a haddock and chips at my local chippy gets cheaper I'm all for it

9. Freedom to save the NHS from EU threats to undermine it by harmonising healthcare across the EU, and to reduce welfare payments to non-UK EU citizens.
I don't want barber shop quartets serenading me while having my annual check up from my proctologist.

10. Freedom to restore British customs and traditions.

Given that we still do cheese rolling, bog snorkling and Morris dancing. Is it time to bring back conkers, cock fighting, bear baiting, anti-semitism and primae noctis.

The future's bright and the future's British. 

Can Museums Learn from Alex Ferguson?

Many business leaders have looked with envy at the phenomenal success of UK soccer manager Alex Ferguson. Winning the small matter of 13 Premier League titles, 10 Community Shields, 5 FA Cups, 4 League Cups, 4 Scottish Cups, 3 Scottish Premier League titles and 8 European trophies of various types. Having started with the modest Scottish First Division title with St. Mirren in 1977 you can safely say 'the boy done good'.

He has recently published a book called, 'Leading: Learning from Life and My Years at Manchester United'. It was written with Michael Moritz the Chairman of Sequoia Capital (major investor in Google, Yahoo etc.). The book tries to draw general management lessons from his time in football. The question is can we in museums benefit from his experience and knowledge?

Both Ferguson and Moritz spoke at Stanford Graduate School of Business and offered 5 'lessons in leadership'.

1. Be consistent in imposing discipline
Consistency is the essence of leadership

2. Embrace your entire team
What he means is, know the names of your staff/volunteers and say good morning

3. Firing is hard - do it right
Be honest during the process

4. Think long-term
Not a luxury many football managers have these days, but try and look beyond the next quick win

5. Lean forward
What he means is the importance of body language


This is all very sensible, but my reaction is -  IS THAT IT? All that success, all that experience, all the obvious leadership in essence all boils down to treating people like human beings and thinking ahead.

So the actual lesson, is that what he says is very sensible, but the secret of success, is just that - a secret. Nobody actually knows the answer. We all know best practice, but that mixture of timing, good luck, sound judgement and that 'controversial penalty in the 4th minute of injury time' all play a part.

Can we in museums learn anything. Absolutely! Be consistent, be honest, say good morning and project positive messages through your body language. If you do this will your museum flourish? Probably not, but it will certainly be a better place to work.

Yet the most important lesson we in museums can learn from Alex Ferguson is his spectacular failure at succession planning. Ferguson encouraged long-term thinking, but not beyond his own tenure (a failure museum managers may be sometimes guilty of). If Ferguson had got that bit right Manchester United would still be winning things, or even still qualifying for the Champions League. For small and voluntary museums this is a key component of their museum planning - so do not follow the Ferguson example and nominate a fellow Scot with a similar leadership style, but a manager that did not (or could not) follow the organisation's vision.

Football managers rarely have the luxury to think too far ahead (Ferguson was that rarest of managers who earned the right to work until retirement).  For most managers the ink is still wet on the contract before they are shown the door. Short-termism is a curse in sport where immediate results heavily prey on a manager's thinking. So his advice to fellow football managers may illicit a hollow laugh in response. But the thing for us in museums is to think long term,  We mustn't not follow football's example or managers would be out on their ear at the first sign of TripAdvisor criticism of the latest exhibition.

We have to keep remembering that the timescale museums work to is 'for ever'. Fundamentally we are charged with managing society's material culture in perpetuity. Therefore we should not have just 3 year or 5 year plans, we need 100 year plans or even 200 year plans. We need to think in even longer terms than we actually do. The Museums Association strategic plan takes us to 2020. I think their plan should be to 2200.

So what have we learnt?

Do not follow football's example, we need to follow our own path -  a longer path, but to make sure we are nice people on that journey.

Can the Museums Association Learn From FIFA?

OK so you are corrupt, egotistical, sexist, ethically challenged and living proof that you don't have to be popular to be in charge. Well you are not alone - so is Sepp Blatter (or should I say WAS Sepp Blatter who selfishly resigned just as I had started a blog page on his impressive survival techniques even in the face of truth, justice and the American way).

So is Sepp Blatter the typical head of an association? I think I can honestly say NO. The Museums Association has never left $10000 in a brown envelope in my hotel room when I've attended their conference. But given that we are an enlightened liberal profession, is there anything the Museums Association can learn from Mr. Blatter? Of course there is. 

1. One Museum One Vote

Young Mr. Blatter kept in power at FIFA by using the single vote system; giving a pseudo-country like the Faroes has as much power as England (another pseudo-country, but you get my point). So he extended memberships to anybody who could kick a ball diluting the power of the 'big boys'. So the obvious way forward is for the president of the MA Board to change the constitution to make it 1 museum 1 vote, then the Museum of Unreason would have the same influence as the British Museum - making us much more democratic so that us 'little boys' are not bullied by the superior professionalism, experience and ethics of the well-run organisations.

2. Spread the Love

Blatter used funds generated by the powerful nations and distributed them across the world. A simple lesson to be learned here is to use some of the British Museums funding and distribute it unevenly across the Museum sector. That would guarantee Museum of Unreason's vote for president.

3. Have Nothing to Hide

As Uncle Sepp once said in 2003, "Neither FIFA nor its president have anything to hide, nor do they wish to," This is an obvious management tip. Lie and keep lying only until a long gaol term beckons. I notice this hasn't been part of the Museums Association's recent ethics consultation - MA missing a trick?

4. Move to Switzerland

Swiss privacy laws are your friend even when you have nothing to hide, it avoids wasting time answering unnecessary questions so you can get on with the job unhindered. MA take note there may be some cheap office accommodation becoming available in Lucerne shortly - and London is sooo expensive.

5. Hang around long enough and make everyone scared of change

Blatter had something in common with Syria's Bashar al-Assad and many many bad managers who tend to hang around too long. Simply don't move on, don't resign, don't die and use the techniques outlined above to keep in power. In the museum world you could even die and be put into storage before anybody notices. As Confucius himself said, "Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change." Are you wise or stupid? I'm proud to say I'm both.

I'll leave the final word to Sepp himself (suitably adapted for my audience)

"The Museums Association stands for discipline, respect, fair-play, not just in museums, but in our society as well."

Hear! Hear!

What is a Museum?

The question I usually ask of strangers is, 'Where is the museum?'

Why you might ask? After an enjoyable weekend at the Unreason Beer and Cider Festival (a pleasing memory comes to mind when I made the acquaintance of Cotswold Blow Horn in 2014) my sense of direction is often temporarily disrupted. Indeed I was so tired and emotional this year that the question, 'What museum?' slipped from my fevered lips. Staff and volunteers insisted that it did exist, but that it wasn't located under a hedge round the back of the International Ciders marquee. At this point I shall digress to recommend Jeremiah Weed's cider from Kentucky - which I believe to be the reason I found myself examining the hedge from below in the first place. Readers will be comforted to know I regained my eyesight in a few hours and was able to walk again unaided within the week. But it inspired me to ask the question, can a museum be a hedge?

I know many of us begin to philosophise uncontrollably under the influence of alcohol. Indeed it is hard to disagree that wine is bottled poetry and Theakston's Old Peculier is the gateway to somewhere extraordinary. If the champagne glass reputedly represents the shape of Marie Antoinette's breasts and the Greeks drank wine from 'mastos' cups it is clear that even the ancients knew that new ideas and new thinking are suckled at the teat of mother booze.

This long preamble is by way of introduction to the larger question at issue today - what is a museum?

The basic dictionary definition is a place to start,

"a building in which objects of historical, scientific, artistic, or cultural interest are stored and exhibited."

The UK's Museums Association take it further,

'Museums enable people to explore collections for inspiration, learning and enjoyment. They are institutions that collect, safeguard and make accessible artefacts and specimens, which they hold in trust for society.'


International Council of Museums (ICOM) phrases it slightly differently, in particular,

  ''..in the service of society.."


All are adequate, but limit us to buildings and objects. Quite rightly the ICOM and the Museums Association encourage us to do something fun and educational with the objects, but I begin to diverge from this thinking about the notion of holding collections 'for' society. We are part of society, we should be integral not separate. Collections should be held by society. Collections represent society. Collections are society, society is a collection of people and people are people (UKIP excepted). What you can safely say is that the concept of the museum wouldn't exist without people - but it can exist without collections or buildings - so the current definitions are wrong. The Royal Albert Memorial Museum in Exeter actually had a million visitors when it was shut for four years. In 2010 the Maison des Civilisation et de l’Unité Réunionnaise (MCUR) opened on Reunion Island. In the words of Francois Verges,

"The MCUR was not conceived around a collection, but rather around the desire and the will to offer a space of encounter, debate and interpretation."

So there are just two examples where either the 'collection' was irrelevant or the 'building' was. The common denominator is the 'people'.

Sorry I'm getting carried away, anyway its my round in the pub (a blood orange flavoured Hooch, a pint of bitter, a port and lemon and a sparkling mineral water for the miserable designated driver).

So we need to step back to the origin of the word museum. To 'muse' is to be absorbed in one's thoughts - you can, but do not have to, muse in a specific location or with a particular object. You can do it anywhere at any time (red traffic lights are my favourite; I found musing at green lights led to much higher car insurance premiums). A muse can also be defined as 'an inspiration' after the 9 Greek goddesses that symbolised the arts and sciences.

If we, who work in museums, accept that we have buildings and that we have collections, but not be tied by them, then our thinking is freed up immensely. Can we make it our mission to inspire society in thought? Extraordinary things might flow from that. The way we collect, the way we dispose, the way we present, the way we engage do not have to be tied to collections and buildings, they can become 'stuff' to help us not bind us.

A new dictionary definition of a museum?


"A concept to inspire a thoughtful society"


It makes you think; anyway a couple more Hooches and I'll set about asking whether we have free will and does that explain Keeping Up With The Kardashians?

 

Je Suis un Droit Charlie

The latest round of violence and intolerance has led to a period of sustained reflection here in Unreason. The hypocrisy and anger on display over the past weeks have led me to ponder my own values and where I,  as a 'culture worker', stand. I find myself being either unreasonably reasonable or reasonably unreasonable - but most of all simply unreasoning.

While pondering the consultation that the UK's Museums Association is undertaking on it's code of ethics, I was drawn back to the I Ching or Book of Changes. My new found soul has persuaded me to remove our 'original' manuscripts from the wall above the gents urinals intended as inspiring reading. They have been replaced with advertising for up-coming events.

Let me start with a Confucian analect, 'Cultivated people foster what is good in others, not what is bad. Petty people do the opposite.' I've been hanging onto that idea recently.

From a conversation with a disciple, he unpicks what it is to be human and humane.

"You are humane if you can practice five things in the world: respectfulness, magnanimity, truthfulness, acuity, and generosity. If you are respectful, you won't be despised. If you are magnanimous, you will win people. If you are truthful you will be trusted. If you are acute, you will be successful. If you are generous, you will be able to employ people."

If the point of 'culture' is that it cultivates humanity and the well-being of society, then museums have a very powerful role to play in the regeneration of that society through education and understanding.

Are we prepared and able to step forward and take on that responsibility? Perhaps not (yet) but let us try. Then we are properly preserving the past in the present to enable a better future.

Put this idea into action and you can sit back and you can not only say, "Je suis Charlie" but "Je suis un droit Charlie."

Society Needs Museums More Than Ever

'Society needs us [museums] more than ever' was the opening rallying cry by David Anderson, President of the UK Museums Association, at the annual conference in Cardiff. It might be argued that it is rather the case that museums need society more than ever, but that would slightly disloyal to the call to arms of the MA's 'museums change lives' agenda. However what there was a complete lack of was debate over the deeper question at issue here. What is society?

A certain female UK Prime Minister famously asserted that there was no such thing as society. She, probably unwittingly, agreed with Oscar Wilde who is quoted as saying,

'Society only exists as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals'.

Although Margaret Thatcher wasn't known for her wit what a different world it could have been if Thatcher had been a late 19th century playwright and Wilde a late 20th century Prime Minister. I would shudder at her version of Lady Windermere's Fan,

"You are all worthy of the gutter and some of us are looking at the cost of all those stars", 

but rather enjoy Wilde's performances at Prime Minister's Question Time,

"May I say to the Honourable Gentleman for Croydon North that where there is vulgarity, may I bring wit. Where there is certainty, may I bring incomprehensibility. Where there is merely talent, may I bring genius. And where there is temptation, may I bring a complete lack of resistance." 

I profess I don't agree with Wilde and Thatcher (don't they sound like a micro brewery?) as I believe us to be social animals, I am not an individual, society is to blame for what I do (still not a good defence in front of the local Magistrate). I find myself agreeing with the anonymous man at the end of this scene in Monty Python's Life of Brian,

Brian: "You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!"

The Crowd: "Yes! We're all individuals!"

Brian: "You're all different!"

The Crowd: "Yes, we ARE all different!"

Man in crowd: "I'm not..."

I'm in the Mahatma Gandhi camp, not only is man a social being, but that interdependence ought to be an ideal of humanity. Yes, I hear you shouting, but what does this all mean for museums? It may surprise you that Gandhi is not famous for his musings about museums, but his point about interdependence does have some meaning for museums as well as society in general. 

If you take the point of view that there is such a thing as society and that museums should reflect society, be part of society, and be the repository of society's material culture - you could make the argument that conceptually museums are synonymous with society. Logic then dictates that every quote about society is a form of meta language about museums themselves - so all we need to do is swap the word 'society' for the word 'museum' and a profound understanding is then achieved. 

Suddenly, Margaret Thatcher's quote becomes very chilling, 

"There is no such thing as a museum." 

This revised quote instantly reveals and articulates the barrenness of right wing political thinking about culture in one simple sentence. What about something more positive? Try Henrik Ibsen, 

"The spirit of truth and the spirit of freedom - these are the pillars of museums." Inspiring.  

What about something closer to reality? How about the Spanish philosopher George Santayana,

 "Museums are like the air, necessary to breathe but insufficient to live on." Hmmm. 

I believe museums are as necessary to the existence of a meaningful society as air, but clearly humanity and curators in particular cannot live on air alone. What will make both society and museums sustainable? That is THE question of the 21st century for society as a whole, and for future Museums Association conference debates. I'll leave the last word to the Princeton Academic, Robert Gutman, 

“Every profession bears the responsibility to understand the circumstances that enable its existence.”

Let THAT be the theme for MA discussion in Birmingham 2015, by which time the UK will have has a General Election. Elections may bring uncertainty, but in the meantime let us rejoice in being able to follow our vocation in a free and democratic society and make sure we exercise our right to vote. How important are elections? Very - according to one 16 year old answering that question in a test in Springdale, Arkansas - 'because sex can only happen when a male gets an election'. 

BRING ON MAY 2015!

Museums Association Conference 2014 - Twitter Awards

And so another Museums Association Conference closes and the museum world waits in anticipation for the announcement of the 3rd Annual Conference Twitter Awards. Wait no more - it is here. But first some reflections on the twitter performance of the delegates.

Twitter numbers seem to be down again from last year, why is this? I have decided that it is due to more than speaker ill discipline. Surely by now the MA has passed on my recommendation to all speakers to keep sentences to 100 characters or less? Perhaps audiences are listening to speakers and reflecting more on their content before tweeting. This is preferable to the soundbite sugar rush that has my twitter feed pinging manically during an interesting conference session. A more reflective and questioning approach to tweets is a trend I heartily endorse and long may this continue as it gives the Twitter Jury less to get through when judging day comes.

My own tweeting was also down this year, I think it was down to riveting sessions, serious subject matter (less suited to the Museum of Unreason perspective) and a sprained thumb sustained hitchhiking down the country to Cardiff.

Now for the awards.

Best Excited Conference Anticipation Tweet

"Looking at the guide the first #museums2014 session should really be 'how to be in more than one place at once'... Can't wait!"@juliafrancess

Somewhat apt for a conference at the home of Doctor Who


Best MA Conference of the Future Tweet

"The good thing re. going to conf on twitter is that you get to 'curate'(!) your own experience and get to all the right things! #museums2014 "@alexwoodall

MA take notice - this is the future

Best Comment on Crowded Conference Sessions Tweet

"Can't move in art and science of curation! Maybe it's a metaphor for a museum store.." @ArchaeoMuse

I hadn't thought that my being squeezed into the back of a session was actually the result of the MA's conference delegate aquisitions policy.

Best Acknowledged Session Irony Tweet

"In the #museums2014 happiness debate. @tonybutler1 and I are finding the questions - ironically- rather taxing" @e_chaplin

Next year a Museum Taxing session with happy questions?


Best Session Criticism Tweet

"Frustrated again #museums2014 surely we all know museums can support social justice. How can this be an argument/ discussion for conference? "@cladle

Beautifully brilliant and blistering - here here


Best Aren't Museums Wonderful Tweet

"Museums can cause wonder and thereby enable visitors to experience the world more intensely - Martyn Evans"@artfund

Thanks to the Art Fund amongst others for sharing this piece of inspiration from Martyn


Best Philosophy For Life Tweet

Beautiful signoff @martindaws at #museums2014 "Be bold. People love you. I know as an artist when u have passion, there is no other option" @NickPoole1

Don't give people an option - make them love you (I'll start with the newsagent tomorrow morning)


Best Conference Compliment Tweet

#museums2014 2 days 1 unbelievable key note speech and 1 unbelievable key note performance. In a decade the best conference I have attended.@1969DMS


Calm down dear It's only a conference


And to finish


Best Biggest Mystery of the Conference Tweet

"Why are there aubergines in the microwave @thecardiffstory"
@RebeccaA_MA

Suggestions wanted on a postcard please.

If you think there are better ones please let me know, otherwise congratulations to the winners and see you all next year in Birmingham where we can perhaps get together over a kipper tie.

Cardiff MA Conference - Anticipation of Jibber Jabber Joo

The prospect of the upcoming Museums Association Conference in Cardiff has got me so excited that I've started bastardising nonsense poetry.*

On the Cardiff Nong!
With a conference Bong!
Where curators all say BOO!
There's a Cardiff Ning!
Where the workshops Ping!
And the keynotes jibber jabber joo.
On the Cardiff Nang!
The MA goes Clang!
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So its Cardiff Nong!
Conference Bong!
Cardiff Ning!
Workshops Ping!
Cardiff Nang!
The MA goes Clang!
What a noisy place to belong
is the Cardiff MA ConferNong!!

My moustache is waxed, my uniform pressed and my Twitter thumb is twitching in anticipation - see you there!!

*Sincere apologies to Spike Milligan and his 'On the Ning Nang Nong'

Museum Conference Proposal 2014 - We are here to save the world

As you all may be aware the Museums Association's call for conference papers closed some time ago. Sadly, the latest email to me from that 'auguste' organisation suggested that my conference proposal had been eaten by their office cat. So yet again I am forced to publish it here in spite of the fearsome feline censorship by the 'establishment'.


Cue long delay while cacophonous applause, cheering and impromptu dancing in the aisles dies down

Fellow delegates! We are all involved in some way with the management and interpretation of the past. We carefully protect, preserve, conserve, then present, educate and perhaps even (whisper it quietly) entertain the public with that past. Why? Why bother at all?

As arbiters of the past we are historians; not academic historians in their universities searching for a truth about the past based on the available evidence, but real 'public' historians. A university historian tends to reinvest this intellectual rigour and output within the academy itself. The 'truth' is shared at academic conferences and with history students. It remains in an intellectual bubble occasionally seeping out into the wider world. There is little incentive to interpret the research into an accessible format; a phrase often used is 'dumbing down'.This is why the Arts and Humanities Research Council is increasingly concerned with the 'impact' of research as a measure of output. In other words, enable the truth about the past to escape from the university ghettos and raise awareness to an audience that doesn't necessarily care about history or the past. Major museums can employ and use as consultants some of the great minds of the day to inform their developments. The rest of the museum world is not so fortunate. We can rely on our own limited research, the research of willing volunteers and occasional grants to pay for post doctoral academic input. Yet we play the key role of interpreting the past that historians aren't necessarily trained and/or willing to do.

We, the museums, are the ones delivering 'impact'. Because we deliver the past in a relaxed social environment to the widest audience that no other form does. TV documentaries are 'niche' adult offerings, not family viewing. Costume dramas are not child friendly viewing. 'Horrible Histories' is child friendly but not adult orientated. The only place where a family (and I mean that in a very broad sense) comes together to explore the past is in a museum or heritage site. In other words a museum is the only place where true public history is practised.

That's all well and good, but so what?

Within museums is the power of influence and educate beyond that of TV. We can be hands on, immersive and engaging to a point where we can make the whole general audience truly engage and CARE about the past; and if the general public cares about the past, understands the past and learns from the past then it is more likely to want to preserve that past and make better decisions about the future they want to have.

Museums can no longer rely on the public purse to support them without really trying to justifying their existence. This actually gives museum the opportunity to help preserve and conserve the past through an enhanced engagement process and deliver the social change that has always been the potential of the museum.

If you take the choice theory view that as individuals we become the decisions we make, then a good museum will help society make better decisions and therefore create a better society in the future. In the words of the Museums Association itself - museums change lives. Can the Natural History Museum help us understand climate change? Can  the Stratford Garbage Museum encourage better waste management decisions? Can the Imperial War Museum inspire peace? Can the Amsterdam Sex Museum inspire better family planning decisions? Can the Sulabh International Museum of Toilets send us round the bend? Let's up our game and change the world. So I pledge to you the Museum of Unreason will bring reason to this troubled planet - what can you promise? If we all pull together then the 55,000 museums around the world can achieve anything and help humanity and the planet towards a viable future.

So when you go to bed at night and ask yourself why are you doing this job. Let 'the very survival of the human race' be your answer; I know it is mine.

Cue stunned silence and the beginning of the future of the human race.

Ave Atque Vale

New Year is a time for reflection, unless you happen to be a vampire of course. So I was leafing through past blogs and noticed the first posting justifying my last 3 years of perceptive and articulate blogging was missing. So I though I would resurrect it in some sort of Catullian Ave/Vale Janus type thingummybob.

"If you work in the museum sector in the UK you will inevitably have been part of many meetings recently that involved discussions about cuts and closures. Lots of head shaking and sighing is the order of the day.

A major rethink in the nature of museums has to go on. What should museums do? What is a museum? Is it a community resource? Is it a heritage attraction? How can we do more with less? In the end good professionals are losing their jobs.

A key museum task is the serious business of making the past relevant to the present, often in a fun and engaging way. Anyone involved in this business knows how difficult this is, especially now when the organisation is looking over your shoulder expecting value for money or income generation.

The purpose of this blog is to completely rethink the idea of museum and help professionals enjoy the underlying absurdity of managing the past. Some call it 'blue sky' thinking. I think we need some thinking that better reflects the weather in the UK.

In this country we look at the sky and know it is only going to get worse, we cannot rely on it. The only reason we go abroad is not for culture and new experiences (although that is what we tell ourselves) it is simply to look up at the sky and know that is the weather we are guaranteed for the day. However, I'm getting sidetracked.

The Cloudy Vision
However desperate the situation might be it can never be serious in the Museum of Unreason. There is no problem so intractable that can’t be solved by unreasonable thinking. Absurdity is normality."

Has anything changed? Is that vision still as essential today as it was when I stole the inspiration from Charles Handy's 1989 Age of Unreason and I quote,

"... discontinuous change requires discontinuous upside-down thinking to deal with it, even if both thinkers and thoughts appear absurd at first sight."

But has my blog changed anything? Do I still appear absurd? If so, do I need a new direction? Am I a John the Baptist or even a Frank the Museum Pantisocratist or just one of the millions of deluded bloggers clogging up the ether with irrational rationalities? And if so, should I sack yet more staff and give myself another pay rise to make myself feel better? Or instead, be nice to the Chair of Trustees for once and even learn the cleaner's name? Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I think more reflection is needed. More reflection on Mr. Handy's thesis and what this blog has achieved. Still no Museum of Car Parking Spaces. Still no inspirational Museum Association keynote speech. Perhaps 2014 is the year?


Happy New Year to you all!!

England's Green and Pleasant Car Park

I am conscious I have been neglecting our car parking heritage lately. I note there was not a single mention of car parking  heritage at the Museums Association Conference. However, yesterday I was privileged to place my modest limousine in a car parking slot that is proof of Oliver Cromwell's assertion that 'God is an Englishman'. 

Suitably organic, lacking the geometric precision of other European spaces, and placed in a suitably bucolic setting. Just drink in its beauty, feel the sun on your face and bask in the distant memory of summer and thank heavens you are part of 'this happy breed of men [in] this little world'. 

 

And did those cars in ancient time 

Drive upon England's roadways green? 

And was the holy park for cars 

On England's pleasant pastures seen? 

Museums Association Conference 2013 Twittering Awards

How was the conference for you? Tweetful?

I sensed this year was a less intense twittercasion than last year. My own tweeting was down 70% and that includes my less than informative, "#museums2013" tweet. At least it proved I knew where I was and what year it is - could the same be said of all the speakers?

The first conclusion to jump to is that tweeting has peaked. Is twitter now on the slippery slope towards unfashionable desuetude?

There were a tremendous amount of retweets this year, I would suggest the majority of the #museums2013 hashtagged tweets were in fact retweets. Good snippets of information  were great especially from the simultaneous sessions, but many tweets were like buses they came in a rush all at once. Was this due to the intermittent wifi at the conference centre? I spent many a frustrated hour trying to send 140 characters of great pith and moment into the ether rather than listening. Goodness knows what the speakers must have thought as their great insights into museums were being received with scowling faces and phones being waved in the air.

I suppose this is a long winded way of saying the choice was more limited for awards this year.

There is usually a plethora of food related tweets from the conference. Pleasingly, yeast featured this year. Yet I believe my first award nicely sums up the entire reason for conference attendance for me.

Best reason for conference attendance tweet
@Purcelluk Good to see you @GM_Museums at the MA conference and thanks for the cupcakes! #museums2013

Meeting colleagues, having a good time and eating cake.. oh and there were some talks as well


Best excuse not to tweet
@nwestrep_ma Feeling happily tired and glad to be home after two brilliant days at #museums2013 - sorry been far too busy to tweet during conference :-)

Aren't MA reps are well trained, hardworking and corporately 'on message' - It must bring a manly tear to Mark Taylor's eye.


Best I've learned a new word tweet
@RachelCockett Museums Association conference #tweetup for museum tweeps. Non-tweeps welcome. #museums2013.
A 'tweep'?


Best hope for the future tweet
@GaladrielBlond7 the first time in my life visited the museum. it's cool. 

Surely the holy grail is for museums to be cool for the next generation  - and at least one has succeeded


Best advice to cope with budget cuts
@iainawatson Maurice Davies building future museum out of cardboard and string!

Will the next Museums Journal be made from sticky back plastic?


Best big brother is watching you tweet
@marktaylor_ma 1500 people attend #museums2013 and not one person from DCMS. No wonder they are out of touch.

"I counted them all in and back out again"


Best worst maintenance of equilibrium under stress tweet
@MuseumGeoff I am NOT advocating violence towards another person. But if I get my hands on them #museums2013

Prize to person who can make the best suggestion for how to finish the sentence


Best the more I read it the stranger it becomes tweet
@EastMidsMuseums "More love, less loss" - promote what audiences can do to help the environment w ur dead animals, not make them feel helpless #museums2013

A plea to love dead animals? A suggestion to ask for audience ideas as to what to do with dead animals? Are audiences helpless or dead animals? OR all of the above at the same time?


Best suggestion for what to do with an animal skin...ever
@ErinHillforts Quote of the day: "if you'd never seen a walrus & all you had was the skin, you'd stuff it til it was really fat and smooth!" #museums2013

I don't think it has to just be Walruses, just think of any cute animal with strangely shocked faces  - perhaps this is what @EastMidsMuseums had in mind for the previous tweet.


Lastly, criticism was thin on the ground but there were compliments a-plenty. "great session", "excellent session", "fun session" etc. But what was the best of the best compliments?

Best Complimentary tweet
@NickPoole1 Totally brilliant introductory role play on Board problems at #museums2013 from @Cubists great stuff!

Congratulations @NickPoole1 that is a proper complimentary tweet if I ever saw one and congratulations @Cubists for earning it.


And so the conference closes for another year. If any of you have come across better tweets, or better categories then do let me know.

Next year, will we have our tweetfaces on again? Or will it continue to fall? I suspect the quality of Welsh wifi may answer many of those questions.

eich gweld y flwyddyn nesaf

MA Conference 2013 - A National Disgrace

Did the title get your attention?

I tweeted my comprehensive review of the conference on 14th November, so in this blog I want to concentrate on a conference phenomenon I have become increasingly aware of over time. Namely 'nationals bashing' the fine art of criticising our national museums at each and every opportunity (at this point the conference organiser Sharon Heal breathes a big sigh of relief).

It is there, subtly, blatantly, snidely; in keynotes, workshops and practice sessions; at lunchtimes, coffee breaks and network sessions. If the subject of 'the nationals' comes up criticism is not far behind. 'They get all the money', 'they won't work with the smaller museums', 'philanthropy all goes their way', 'DCMS is only interested in the nationals', 'they couldn't care less about us' ad nauseam. This is then backed up by figures trotted out about Londoncentric funding etc. Has it not occurred to anyone that if you put the sector's best people with the best collections in the biggest city(ies) you are going to get inequality... of excellence.

Yet the nationals can't hit back and state the bleeding obvious to the rest of us. This is because they represent and are symbolic of our nation. I now need to narrow down my hypothesis. Last year in Scotland the talk around 'national' was dominated by 'nationalism' and the 'Scottish question'. I imagine a different dynamic next year in Wales, but in England there is no National Museum of England and England is the subject from now on.

The strong cannot criticise the weak, the wealthy the poor, the best collection the worst collection. It comes across as arrogance and panders to the very perception that you are being criticised for. The obvious comparison to draw is that of the arch criminal in a Hollywood blockbuster movie. The criminal is well educated, refined, wealthy, speaks with received pronunciation and is usually to be found in his (v. rarely her) lair surrounded by priceless artefacts exhibiting taste and culture. In other words the very epitome of a national museum director. Added to that is the scheming, the ruthlessness, the sacrifice of everything and everybody for personal gain - again the very epitome of a national museum director. The iconic archetype is Alan Rickman in Die Hard (1988) - the clues are all there that he is a museum director. The film makers try to throw you off the scent by calling him Hans Gruber - 'grubby hands?' as in 'get your grubby hands off my collection' - the message could not be more obvious. And what does Hans Gruber do? He seems to be able to fund a well staffed and well equipped army of combat curators determined to get private sector sponsorship and if not then to stop at nothing to take the money anyway.

Only the downtrodden underfunded small regional independent McLane Teddy Bear Museum is there to stop him - in other words a cowboy playing at being a museum. So how does Hollywood solve the problem and create a Leninist museum utopia of equality? Answer - throw the museum director off the top of a very tall building.

Now I am not advocating that we find the tallest building in Cardiff next year and start chucking the directors off the top (although I would quite like to throw Sandy Nairne, the Director of the National Portrait Gallery, off simply because half way down I think he will unfurl his bat wings and soar skywards laughing manically - or is it just me that thinks that?).

Can I make a pitch now to the MA for my talk next year's conference, 'The Die Hard Effect: how Hollywood is to blame for the poor staff morale in UK museums.'

The solution is to simply work through and then beyond these perceptions at the beginning of the conference. We should literally pillory any and all members of staff from a national museum (I am sure there are plenty of regional museums willing to lend them). The short term satisfaction of throwing rotten vegetables at David Roth shouting, "Yippee-ki-yay V&A!" is soon assuaged and proper English guilt will kick in and numerous apologies exchanged. The resulting dialogue over a cup of tea will commence and an understanding will soon emerge that we are all in the same boat working towards the same purpose to make the world a more educated and cultured place for the future of mankind.

And if that doesn't work we can still throw them off a tall building.

Make 2014 'Love our nationals' year - the campaign starts now.

MA Conference and Pictures of Car Parking Spaces

I am preparing myself physically, mentally and spiritually for the upcoming Museums Association Conference in Liverpool. The MA has unsurprisingly not replied to my offer to be the blog of record for the conference. I will nonetheless tell it like it is for those need to know. I regard it as my public duty to the world's museums.

At the conference itself I am particularly curious to find out more about the MA's new strategy document. I think it encourages museums to hold 1970s themed 'swinging' parties and is called Museums Change Wives. 

In the meantime here are some pictures of car parking spaces.


A renaissance inspired cubed square space


The great mystery here is: why is the number more heavily eroded than the bordering lines?


The designer here was clearly an American Football fan


A proper man-size space - alas restricted to coaches only


natural and festive - a delight for any car to park in


I'm not sure what to make of this duplicated message - who needs the reminder?


My favourite type of space - a little corner of a car park I can call home


A disused space?


Some proper effort has gone into the design of this one - disciplined segregation through design


Anarchically undifferentiated car parking space comprising sensuously geological material in the heart of England

See you all at the conference, I'll be the one with a moustache.

Museum Phobias

As promised last week, this week is phobia week. A straw pole at the Museum of Unreason revealed the following top ten phobias that museum staff and volunteers suffer from. I cannot claim this to reflect museums as a whole, but do you recognise yourself here?

There was a strong case to be made for Walloonphobia (fear of the Walloons) at the Museum of Unreason, but I think that is due to a works charabanc outing to Liege two years ago that went horribly wrong. If it is a general phobia in UK museums I would be rather surprised  - but does it actually explain the dearth of interpretation for Belgian visitors in our museums?

10. Polyphobia- Fear of many things.

The staff are scared, in the words of the receptionist, "Where do you want to start?" When you last visited a museum, did you notice the member of staff twitch and cower slightly as you approached them? Could you actually find a member of staff? In honour of the current coalition government I propose we rename this phobia Cameroclegaphobia

9. Metathesiophobia- Fear of changes.

The management of change is difficult for any organisation, to do so in museums is practically impossible so give  up and take pride in cultural stasis.

8. Ponophobia- Fear of overworking. 

The staff seem to suffer terribly from this, however hard I drive them. Although they do have a point, so I make sure I leave work at 3pm every day.

7. Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.

Excerpt from my latest meeting with the Chair of Trustees

"What shall the new display be on?" "I have no idea." 

"How do we pay for it?" "I have no idea." 

"What is your job?" "I have no idea."

This phobia explains an awful lot.

6. Chrometophobia - Fear of money.

Is this the true reason for so many volunteers in the heritage sector? I bet if you offered a volunteer money he/she would run away screaming. Certainly when any volunteer asks me for travel expenses I run away screaming, is that the same thing?

5. Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers.

It is no coincidence that the lowest museum visitor demographic is the 16-24 age group. 

4. Kainolophobia - Fear of anything new, novelty.

My hilarious handshake buzzer appeared to expose this phobia amongst the museum staff.

3. Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.
Many museums have mice, some employ cats to solve the problem. Unfortunately our rodent infestation ate our cat and volunteers seem to be disappearing rapidly. NEVER go into the stores unarmed - or perhaps its just my Zemmiphobia?

2. Plutophobia- Fear of wealth.

We complain about cuts, poor wages but we wouldn't have it any other way. We don't want to be bankers. We have integrity, we have cultural capital and in our world a bonus is a pound coin found down the back of the sofa. Anything else just scares us.

1. Disposophobia- Fear of throwing stuff out

It had to be. The Museums Association is trying to force us to rationalise our collections. Don't they realise they are dealing with ill people. Would you make an agoraphobe stand in a field? No, so don't make me ethically dispose of my unnecessary objects.

An Impassioned Plea

Some of you may be aware that the Museums Association have put a call out for papers for their annual conference. I've offered myself again this year to be a keynote speaker to give an impassioned plea on behalf of our museums. I intend to outline a convincing argument for museum managers justifying their existence when faced with budget cuts, an uncaring public and years of mocking from school friends who have proper careers.

Given that the MA seemed to have mislaid my conference suggestions for the past 5 years running I thought I would share my first draft with you all anyway.

"Dear colleagues, friends and admirers I am here to tell you that we can't let museums die!
We support a great heritage and we can't let it die just because nobody cares.

What we must remember is that our people don't go to museums; BUT they feel better, happier and more comforted knowing that we are here. Museums exist so that we can make the general public feel part of a civilised nation. Museums are symbols of who and what we are. The authorities don't really fund them to engage communities, provide education or outreach. They are funded to show the rest of the world that we have a history worth preserving; a history worth telling in paragraphs of 50 words or fewer on interpretation boards; a history worth hiding within a broken interactive that the Heritage Lottery Fund paid a fortune for. That is what makes us great.

A nation to compare us with, and I'm picking a country at random, is France. They have recently abandoned their 'Museum of France' (no sniggering at the back) as it would be too divisive. Too divisive! That shows they have no real understanding of national heritage. Why do you think the 'British Museum' is full of other people's stuff. We don't have problems, other nations have problems, and it is important for us to showcase that. The logical conclusion to draw is that other nations are too ridden with conflict and far too unappreciative of the game of cricket to deserve their own past. And a people without a national museum are nobody, were nobody, will be nobody. So the French don't get it. They should create the 'Museum of everywhere but France' and tourists will flock to it and thus it becomes one of the greatest museums in the world. That is why 75% of the visitors to the British Museum are tourists. They have come to see their history, not ours, but importantly it's their history in our museum therefore we are the great nation. To give back the Elgin Marbles to Greece would confer respect for a country that only gave the world democracy, theatre and the foundations of modern philosophy. How can that compare to binge drinking, fish and chips and Eastenders?

That is why Museums must remain free to tourists. If the financial situation becomes unsustainable then we must only excessively charge domestic visitors. Why? What about those visitors you may ask? What about them I say. They are expensive and dangerous. Emptiness does not equal pointlessness, it equals greatness. If the Queen came round for tea every week, would we still hold her in awe as she dunked her hobnobs and slurped out of her saucer? I think not. We respect her because we do not know her.

To conclude. Remain aloof, remain disengaged and therefore remain relevant to the nation as an idea of ourselves. We cannot be, and should not be purveyors of the truth (leave that to the academics in our Universities and be thankful that nobody ever reads their work). Engage and die! Fellow museum managers, we must not let the future condemn us for our errors. Preserve the past by ignoring the present and therefore secure the future.

Go back to your museums and prepare for the future by doing nothing!"

Cue a standing ovation.

Museum Security Essentials

Regular readers bereft at my absence from the blogosphere of late are in need of a quick explanation before I get to the substance of this week's professional advice. These recent events have led me to reflect on museum security.

Thefts from museums have been much in the news lately and the Board of Trustees have requested a review of security following rumours that our security is not up to accreditation standard (something to do with the staff's pre Xmas blog questioning our security procedures). Suffice to say revenge on the staff will be a dish best served in vague management speak.

I confirmed to the Chair of Trustees that our security procedures are of accreditation standard. This had been easily done by borrowing a good museum's documentation and substituting the words 'British Museum' for the words 'Museum of Unreason'. Unfortunately my assertion that recent thefts have coincided with visits to the region from Museum Association staff clearly intent on redefining their Code of Ethics whilst maximising the organisation's income fell on deaf ears.

Of particular concern to the Board was our rhino horn. Its arrival at our museum is a long story (best left for another blog). I follow the 'hide in plain site' method and had cunningly hidden it on the forehead of our lifesize model carthorse in the rural life section. The label reads, "The last known unicorn in the UK killed on this site by Launcelot déRaison in 1074". The model is harnessed to a nineteenth century hearse which the label suggests contains Launcelot's body. I think it adds much needed authenticity to our farm scene.

Security being supposedly lax at the museum, I decided to keep the rhino horn at home until the Trustees lost interest and then I fully intended to return it. However having surreptitiously slipped it into my trousers I was limping briskly through reception when my button fly gave way under the strain. My subsequent attempt to give instant CPR to the elderly lady who had fainted in front of me was  misinterpreted by an off duty policeman and he attempted to arrest me. When the rhino horn fell on the floor during the struggle it caused much consternation in the Saga tour party watching the scene; ambulances were called and some unfortunate pictures found their way into the local press. I understand all casualties are now recovering well in the Unreason General Hospital.

The discovery of the rhino horn and the fact that I appeared to be engaged to a prominent member of the Russian mafia (see earlier blogs) has led to some time at her majesty's pleasure followed by extended gardening leave before all the misunderstandings were cleared up. My return to work was greeted joyously by the staff all clapping with one hand.

Anyway this brings me to the main purpose of the blog today. Museum security essentials.

When you leave be sure to lock the door and leave the light on

Next week - collection backlog short cuts (order your skip now)

N.e.w. Y.e.a.r. Wishes

Unexpected seasonal wishes to you all.

Having thought I'd done my last blog, the Mayans failed to deliver on their promise to clear my accessioning backlog. In the end I spent the 'end of the world' in a disused warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow (there must have been a mixup with my girlfriend's address), and as the skies darkened and an arctic cold began to pierce my soul the churlish police official who found me explained that this is quite normal for this time of year in Russia. He then promptly deported me for trying to smuggle excessive quantities of Aspirins into the country.

I returned to discover the staff had done a blog on my behalf and it was hilarious, what whacky japesters they are.  I might let them do it again someday. I must now do a proper blog on what the staff really want - although I do plan to have a tanning bed installed in my office in the meantime.

I haven't actually planned any blogs for 2013, but whilst I was becoming a little too intimate with The UK Border Agency (UKBA) staff, I began to reflect on the proliferation of boring acronyms. The world is full of them and the museum sector is no exception.

So my first wish for 2013 is for more entertaining UK museum sector acronyms.

Let's start with our new overseers Arts Council England (ACE). They need to reflect the reality that they are now also responsible for museums and libraries. I suggest the Museums and Libraries Arts Council England (MALICE). What sort of damage could you do with major MALICE funding?

What about the Association of Independent Museums (AIM). Given that there are a lot of small organisations supporting our independent sector, they should be more forthright and claim that they are the MAIN association supporting independent museums and become MAIM.  Could you maim with malice?

Our professional body the Museums Association (MA) could turn a few heads if it became the ANIMAL barking and biting the authorities on our behalf (Association for National and Independent Museums and Libraries). Local authority museums may feel short changed by this, but if the ANIMAL was affiliated to the LLAMA (Large Local Authority Museums Association) incorporating a  SLUG (Small Local Underfunded Group) then we have a pressure group that has to be taken seriously (or put in a Zoo).

So here's to a happy New Exciting Working Year for Everyone Anywhere,  Really!

Manifesto for Museums in the 21st Century: participation, participation, participation

What are the three most the important factors in selling your house? Location, location location.
What were the three most important policies of the Tony Blair New Labour administration? Education, education, education.
When visiting Scotland for a holiday what are the three things you most remember? Precipitation, precipitation, precipitation.

Given that we are all thinking about the future of museums and the MA may claim to have 20:20 vision in this respect. The Museum of Unreason Manifesto defines what are actually the three most important things for museums in the 21st century.They are: participation, participation, participation.

BUT, and I believe this is where our profession has gone badly wrong, not participation in the way we have seen it applied recently. We took a wrong turn at the turn of the century when there was a 'Renaissance'. We subsequently wasted £200m on museum access projects for the great unwashed to try and make ourselves relevant. How much more money do we need to spend before we realise that at the end of the first decade its just the same deluded people who continue to visit us. I would compare Renaissance approach to the 'war on drugs' an un-winnable waste of money. The big mistake was to give us the money. We should have given it to non-users to spend on museums.   What a different museum sector that would have given us by 2012. Can we still achieve this in a post Renaissance world?

Given that we are still proudly irrelevant and elitist, happily sacking education staff rather than curators. Money is not coming to us (except to the 'excellent' few) and will never do so again. What is now the prime responsibility of a museum manager? To have fun and engage with non-professionals to create an environment of enjoyable learning that is relevant to modern society? No no no - our prime duty now is to preserve the past, ignore the present and forget about the future.

The constant cry of 'put more collections on show' is wrong. Put less collections on show. 90% of collections are in store being carefully preserved, it should be 100%. Objects should only be brought out upon request (in triplicate) by people who can prove that they will appreciate, understand and learn from them. Most people don't know about them, don't care about them and, if given the chance, will break them.

Access policies? Ban them. Disposal policies? Ban them. Collect, collect, collect. If its old put it in store. Industrial decline = empty warehouses = new museum stores.

You may be asking, what has that to do with participation?

By following this simple strategic approach, museums will empty themselves of 'professionals' and the lifeless clutter of objects. Instead we will create real 'warehouses of the past' lovingly cared for by professional curators in perpetuity. The money saved will then be given to non-users who can then use the empty museums for all the fun and uneducated activity that they want. At a stroke the past is much better preserved and museums become instantly relevant to 21st century society.

Participation, participation, participation? Be true to the idea!