Mixer Taps: the end of the world as we know it?

Having to call in the plumber to fix a leaking tap in the Museum of Unreason staff toilet resulted in a swarthy ruffian presenting himself at the museum door yesterday. As expected he originated from somewhere east of Essex. Although my Polish isn't very strong (I'm reasonably fluent with "Nie rozumiem"*, and "ile?!?"** ), his English was far better. However his constant references to 'force it' had me worried until he then referred to the toilet as the restroom the penny/cent/grosz• (delete as applicable) dropped. It was obvious the Queen had not taught him his English or English sanitary ware culture.  He was a Yankee Poledle Dandy. It was then that the knotty problem of mixer taps reared it's ugly head. He had the temerity to suggest a single mixer tap (mikser cran) would be a positive change for the museum. When I suggested that a mixer tap would be the opposite of positive, he looked confused, so I sat him down and explained the error of his ways.

Now, I am a great admirer of both the USA (cowboy hats and musical theatre) as well as Polish plumbers (prompt and cheap). BUT North American society took a fatally wrong turn in 1880 when a certain Thomas Campbell thought it would be a good idea to invent the mixer tap. Now I realise Campbell was a Canadian so the USA is not entirely to blame, but in the same way that the Scots did not invent the bagpipes*** (bagpipes: the ultimate warning of what may happen when you have too many sheep and a lot of time on your hands) they impose them upon delicate eardrums at every conceivable opportunity; the USA is similarly guilty of the callous mixing of the world's tap water.

The separation of hot and cold water is as essential to a coherent thriving society as it is to separate church and state for good governance. I realise that the Queen of England is the head of the Anglican Church but comfortingly neither represent any significant influence in British political or spiritual affairs as the last census confirmed that we are now a Jedi worshiping country under Stephen Fry.

As a product of the English public school system I am no stranger to sting of cold water on the face at 5am in the morning followed by the cold sting of the birch on the behind. As a result I am the sort of well balanced individual that makes Britain 22nd out of 24 wealthier nations for literacy and numeracy according to the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development. Where would we be if I turned the tap on and with a quick flick of the wrist warm water came out!?! 122nd probably.

As you grow up how do you find out who you are? You experiment, you make mistakes, you get burned. If you survive, you find balance. The twin-tapped bathroom sink is the moist expression of personal growth and development. The increasing infantilism of society can be traced from the late nineteenth century - I would go further and say it can be precisely traced from 1880 (viz. Mr. Chapman). However that is not the main reason for separate taps.

The Eastern philosophical symbol of balance is the Yin and Yang. It tells us that opposites are complimentary. It is how the world is meant to be. We are either male or female with all the fun and misunderstandings that entails. Dark and light are separate for a reason. Would we really want to live in a hermaphroditic world of twilight? Some might - but they would also probably appreciate mixer taps as well. 

So here is the point of both the Yin and Yang and separate hot and cold water taps; one opposite can transform into another, but it is not a random event, it happens only when the time is right. A sex change operation is not a random event, but an event when the individual finds out who they really are. Does anyone choose to be a hermaphrodite? Night doesn't happen randomly, it happens only when the time is right. Cold water and hot water should only transform when the time is right. Human internal peace and existential satisfaction can only be achieved when you get the transformation right. Warm water in the sink without the effort is destroying the ongoing growth and development of the human race, unbalancing the earth. Darwin's theory of continual evolution is in jeopardy. Many of the measures of human improvement are declining in the Western world; literacy and numeracy rates are down, life expectancy is, at best, on a plateau, poverty rates are increasing as are TV reality shows. Let's face it we have begun the long march back towards homo erectus. The Gaia hypothesis of the earth as a self regulating system is undermined by mixer taps, by the concept they embody of humanity artificially removing opposites and messing with nature's delicate timing of transformation. Think about a world without summer or winter but with some sort of 'sunter' or 'wimmer'. Night and day transformed into 'dight' or 'nay'. Men and women transformed into Graham Norton. 

So learn to relish opposites and appreciate that balanced transformation is a right to be earned, explore the varying methods of transformation that your twin-tapped sink offers you (I prefer the short cold burst followed by a long hot one) and know that in the process you are helping to save the world and humanity's place within it.

The one down side is I now need to find a new plumber.

Notes

* I don't understand

** How much?!?

*** probably the Hittites in 1000BC

Car Parking is a Gender Issue

My apologies for the delayed blog. I have endured another period of 'gardening leave' following a misunderstanding when the Chair of the friends group handed me a wad of cash saying, "Here is a fundraising donation for you." I was touched by the regard with which I am held in the organisation and immediately bought myself a new set of golf clubs. At the subsequent disciplinary hearing I convincingly argued it was a genuine misunderstanding - that 'you' has a very different meaning  from 'your museum'. As a precaution I enlisted the help of my Russian mafia girlfriend to construct a 'convincing' argument (by way of thanks I paid her from a couple of spare coins out of the numismatic collection).

Anyway after a month of leave I'm back at work and my handicap is down to 18.

Now to the main point of the blog - women only car parking spaces. 

My research has yet to discover the world's first car parking space (my money is on the USA), but I have discovered the rise of women only car parking spaces. Disabled spaces and parent/child spaces are commonplace in the UK but I have yet to see a 'women only' space. It seems that in some German states 10% of spaces must be designated for women. These are near entrances, security guards etc. This makes sense in terms of safety, although statistically a woman is in more danger in her home and only 1 in a thousand crimes in car parks are sexual assaults. But it seems a progressive move and if we can get that figure for sexual assaults down to 0 in a thousand then they will be worthwhile.

Another country blessed with this foresight is China. Although rather than having a sign, it seems they have gone for wider spaces in different colours for women. They have taken to heart the statistic that women cause twice as many collisions in car parks as men, rather than that of violence inflicted on women in public places. So this appears to be a safety measure for men rather than women. 

However it is Korea that seems to be the true home of the women only car parking space. The Seoul city authorities have painted 4,929 spaces pink with the thinking that women in high heels should not have to walk as far to their destination. So car parking is a fashion issue in Korea. Perhaps they could develop this initiative by having minimum heel sizes closer to entrances. Perhaps having the highest heel spaces closest to a first aid station.

Quite what this all says about the difference between Chinese, Korean and German societies I'm not sure - but I applaud the idea as both a safety and fashion issue.

What would a 'men only' space look like? My guess is it would have a minimum parking speed and be exactly 1 inch thinner than the average car width. But wait! It seems the German town of Triberg has already introduced the first men only spaces, which are apparently much more difficult to manoeuvre into than 'normal' spaces. As a man I'm up for that challenge!

So imagine a future with car parks containing multi coloured spaces in different shapes and sizes with different footwear regulations.

 That is a world I would want to live in.

Please send me photos of any car parking spaces worth preserving for posterity at museumofunreason@gmail.com

Justin Bieber Car Crash - Heritage Implications

Some of you may be aware that the "teenage pop sensation" Justin Beiber has been in the news lately having survived a car crash in a Ferrari. There was some initial speculation that he was critically injured or worse still, dead. But it seems all parties involved were unhurt and that can only be a good thing.

I've not heard any of Beiber's music personally but nothing can be so bad as to wish ill fortune upon a person (with the possible exception of Jedward). However I digress.

Closer investigation of this sensational story reveals that the Ferrari and a Honda Civic bumped in a car park the result of which according to the police, "Neither cars suffered any visible damage." So, you may think, its just some news creation by the media pandering to our need for a celebrity culture fix. In which case you miss the point entirely.

What is upsetting is the total lack of coverage for the car parking space involved. As a passionate, ok obsessive, promoter of car parking space heritage - the wanton lack of interest in the location of the incident is indecent. The only description of the location I could find was, 'underground parking structure.' This sounds a glamorous and dangerously sexy car park. So a pop star, a car crash and a sexy car park is the ideal opportunity to promote the importance of car parking heritage. As it is in the USA it should be made a national park NOW. A whole new sub category of 'national car park' could be created in the wake of this.

I realise I may be ahead of public opinion in this matter, but if you ignore me just think ahead. When the oil runs out and cars are consigned to history and boring stories told by grandfathers, car parks will pulled down, destroyed and built over in their thousands without a murmur of protest. You have been warned. So start the 'Save the Bieber space' campaign now. Sign up and make a difference.