10 Reasons NOT To Visit A Museum

1. Free entry to museums makes you feel sad

The Government (and opposition) have been at pains to highlight their commitment to free entry to national museums. However, a survey conducted by Harris Interactive finds that people are happier when they spend money on experiences. This research, to my mind, erroneously compares the spend on experiences relative to material purchases thereby completely missing the point. Museums in recent years have been at pains to give visitors an 'experience' at the same time missing out on the other key factor in the visitors' psychology - an entrance fee. A payment creates the expectation of quality. Free entry creates an expectation equivalent to a free toy in a cereal packet - briefly interesting but ultimately pointless. Thus a visitor leaving the museum with a memory of pointlessness begins the long journey through existential angst towards depression and a miserable death. Museums! Make society really happy - overcharge.

2. Museums make you less intelligent

One of the definitions of a museum is its mission to educate. Schools are heavily dependent on museums to support 'lazy and overpaid teachers'* to deliver on the National Curriculum.  For example, how many museums are now jumping on the 'British Values' bandwagon?  Thus the modern concentration on interpretation for spotty self-obsessed thirteen year olds, or strange smelling feral eight year olds is self defeating. After the 'well good' experience at the museum the interested parent may ask the child about it the inevitable response is 'Uh?'. For modern children, long term recall can be measured in terms a goldfish would understand.  For the rest of us (adults) trying to visit it is becoming nearly impossible to experience an exhibition and gain any information or insight amongst the hordes of hormones and sticky fingers other than, 'Oliver Cromwell? Ugh - warty dude innit!'.

3. Museums are an ineffective way of learning

You want to know about something? Do not force your miserable family into the car, spend a fortune on petrol, succumb to the inevitable demand for sweets, listen to incessant cries of 'are we there yet?' and 'can't we go to Alton Towers?', be unable to find somewhere to park, then pay a fortune for it before you even get to the museum. Eventually you find the museum only to discover all the information it has about the Romans consists of a 100 word text panel, a broken interactive, an unconvincingly dressed tailor's dummy and 5 bits of broken pottery.

Do you really want to learn about something? Read a book! I'm sorry I forgot, libraries no longer exist and book shops are going the way of the dodo, so log on to wikipedia instead! 

4. Museums are cult forming

Museums are no longer about collections of artefacts; they now allow you to give your opinion, enable you to meet strangers, have 'experiences', they encourage discussion and personal reflection as a part of your journey towards entry into the museum's 'community'. If I want to do that I'll join the Moonies. If I want to go to yoga, I'll go to the gym. If I want have an art class I'll go to the local community college. I go to a museum to see things - unfortunately nowadays that will be because the local magic mushroom festival is going on in the main exhibition hall. All this is being done because they want you and all your worldly goods? Cultish activity? You bet. We do not want to get to a situation where parents are forced into a desperate bid to rescue their daughter from the clutches of the local history museum, but that is the inevitable conclusion for all this 'community' activity.

5. Museums dishearten

Apparently museums are places of inspiration and the personal memories created are for life. These are regarded as positive traits. But if the inspiration created is to never visit a museum again, or equate the visit to another memory you will never forget (such as a car crash, your divorce, or the death of a pet - take your pick) then it may not be quite so good. However if they do this then it will leave the spaces free for those of us who still want to see objects.

6. There are a lot better places to go for social interaction

Research shows that social engagement is more about location than activity. Museums delude themselves into believing their building is an inspiring social space. But what personal memories will be created by a leaking roof, peeling interpretation panels, empty display cases with yellowing cards which read, 'this object has been temporarily removed for conservation' and is dated 1st April 1974. Would you like to meet in a place like this? Or a swanky hotel? Or a cosy tearoom? Or at least somewhere where you can get a decent cup of coffee. Nowadays you can get a really good cup of coffee at a petrol station. Museum managers need to ask themselves whether they are doing a good job if potential visitors would rather meet in a motorway service station than their museum. 

7. Museums are a place of torture for family and friends

What shall we do with Aunty Nellie? She always comes to visit this time of year. The kids hate her and she is always criticising your cooking. How can we get our own back? I know - take her to our local museum and point out all stuff in it that she still has in her house. Do you want to break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend? I know - take him/her to your local museum and pretend to really enjoy it.

Key tips for really effective torture

1. read everything

2. talk to the room steward and ask them to tell them everything they know about a particular object

3. continually ask if its alright to take photos

4. near the end mention that you think you've missed something in the first gallery that you really want to see

5. insist on buying them the gimmicky pencil and rubber set in the shop

You have been warned. If a relative suggests you visit the local museum on your next visit -don't do it.

8. Museums lack ethics

The recent MA warning about the ethics of sponsorship is timely. Companies realise that association with a museum can get them some good PR. Sadly it is only the dodgy companies that need PR (BP for instance). Even sadder, if a company approaches a museum for sponsorship a museum will probably accept it because when there is a conflict between money and ethics, money wins every time.  Avoid any of the following museums

Customer Care sponsored by Ryanair

Entrance tariffs sponsored by NPower 

WiFi sponsored by Talk Talk

Shop sponsored by TkMaxx

Exhibitions sponsored by Poundland

Need I go on?

9. Museums are only interested in your money

I've covered the psychology of free admission earlier. But the further problem is that there is no such thing as a free lunch. They will fleece you the moment you walk through the door (earlier if they can charge you for parking). Firstly you will be accosted by the least charming volunteer (probably a relative of the Kray twins) who will 'suggest' a donation, the guidebook will be extra, the kids trail will be extra, the audio tour will require a deposit (and possibly a sample of blood). They will take a photo of you and 'suggest' you buy it. The temporary exhibition will not be free. The Dr. Who Dinosaur flight simulator in the ethnographic gallery will be eye-wateringly expensive. Exhausted and impoverished you will inevitably exit through the gift shop where  our children will remove the last of your cash and the twin brother of the 'donation' volunteer will promote a membership card so you can be fleeced on a regular basis. 

10. There is always a museum near you - aargh! Run

There are about 2,500 museums in the UK, not including various private collections, heritage centres, private homes, castles, church collections etc. etc. etc. All this means you are never more than 18 feet from a museum. To put that into perspective, statistically in any urban area you are likely to be164 feet from a rat. That means you are nine times more likely to be closer to a museum than a rat. Rats are vermin and need to be wiped out. Well, museums are even more of a problem and the population needs to be controlled. Fortunately for us the British Government is taking practical steps to reduce the museum numbers, starting with the more dangerous ones up north. 

*Trade Mark: British Government (att. Michael Gove) 2013 

Ethical Advertising for Museum Jobs

I've been working on a job advert for a new member of staff. The result is nicely clichéd, but is it accurate? My ethical resolution for new year is to be more open and honest, so I'm thinking of translating our well worn phrases to reflect the realities of work in a modern independent museum. But the question is, will I still recruit if I substitute the column phrases on the left for the ones on the right?

Competitive salary	Other museums don't pay much either.
A flexible approach to work needed	You work weekends and evenings for no extra pay
Join our dynamic museum	We’ve missed our last 3 HLF deadlines
You need to be a self starter	We have no time to train you
Be creative	You'll have no budget
Duties will vary	You are already on the toilet cleaning rota
Must have an eye for detail	We can’t find anything in the stores
We are seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience	Following the latest round of cuts, you'll be replacing three people.
Good communication skills required	Listen to management and don't ask any questions
Career minded	You have no career prospects
Problem solving skills a must	Find a way of getting the bank manager off our backs
You need to be a team player	You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.
The ability to work on your own	There are no other members staff

All this reminds me of an old joke.

A Museum Manager died and his soul appeared at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter was waiting with a frown on his face,

"The problem is, we've never had a Museum Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you. So I've been instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually, I think I would prefer heaven", said the museum manager.

"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the him into the downward bound lift.

As the doors opened in hell he stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a plush hotel; around him were many friends - past fellow colleagues, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for him. He played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the hotel where he enjoyed a superb meal with old friends and colleagues. He met the Devil, although reminding him of a past Director of the British Museum he was actually rather nice, and he had a wonderful night telling jokes, drinking and dancing. Before he knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook his hand and waved goodbye as he stepped into the lift. The lift went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for him.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So he spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was all very pleasant as well. At the day's end St Peter returned.

"So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."

The Museum Manager thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell."

Accordingly, St. Peter took him to the lift again and he went back down to hell.

When the doors of the lift opened he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. He saw his old colleagues dressed in rags, picking up litter and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around him.

"I don't understand," stuttered the Museum Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a hotel, and we ate lobster, and we drank and had a wonderful time. Now all there's just a dirty wasteland of rubbish and all my colleagues look miserable."

The Devil looked at him and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

Museum Phobias

As promised last week, this week is phobia week. A straw pole at the Museum of Unreason revealed the following top ten phobias that museum staff and volunteers suffer from. I cannot claim this to reflect museums as a whole, but do you recognise yourself here?

There was a strong case to be made for Walloonphobia (fear of the Walloons) at the Museum of Unreason, but I think that is due to a works charabanc outing to Liege two years ago that went horribly wrong. If it is a general phobia in UK museums I would be rather surprised  - but does it actually explain the dearth of interpretation for Belgian visitors in our museums?

10. Polyphobia- Fear of many things.

The staff are scared, in the words of the receptionist, "Where do you want to start?" When you last visited a museum, did you notice the member of staff twitch and cower slightly as you approached them? Could you actually find a member of staff? In honour of the current coalition government I propose we rename this phobia Cameroclegaphobia

9. Metathesiophobia- Fear of changes.

The management of change is difficult for any organisation, to do so in museums is practically impossible so give  up and take pride in cultural stasis.

8. Ponophobia- Fear of overworking. 

The staff seem to suffer terribly from this, however hard I drive them. Although they do have a point, so I make sure I leave work at 3pm every day.

7. Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.

Excerpt from my latest meeting with the Chair of Trustees

"What shall the new display be on?" "I have no idea." 

"How do we pay for it?" "I have no idea." 

"What is your job?" "I have no idea."

This phobia explains an awful lot.

6. Chrometophobia - Fear of money.

Is this the true reason for so many volunteers in the heritage sector? I bet if you offered a volunteer money he/she would run away screaming. Certainly when any volunteer asks me for travel expenses I run away screaming, is that the same thing?

5. Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers.

It is no coincidence that the lowest museum visitor demographic is the 16-24 age group. 

4. Kainolophobia - Fear of anything new, novelty.

My hilarious handshake buzzer appeared to expose this phobia amongst the museum staff.

3. Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.
Many museums have mice, some employ cats to solve the problem. Unfortunately our rodent infestation ate our cat and volunteers seem to be disappearing rapidly. NEVER go into the stores unarmed - or perhaps its just my Zemmiphobia?

2. Plutophobia- Fear of wealth.

We complain about cuts, poor wages but we wouldn't have it any other way. We don't want to be bankers. We have integrity, we have cultural capital and in our world a bonus is a pound coin found down the back of the sofa. Anything else just scares us.

1. Disposophobia- Fear of throwing stuff out

It had to be. The Museums Association is trying to force us to rationalise our collections. Don't they realise they are dealing with ill people. Would you make an agoraphobe stand in a field? No, so don't make me ethically dispose of my unnecessary objects.

Museum Security Essentials

Regular readers bereft at my absence from the blogosphere of late are in need of a quick explanation before I get to the substance of this week's professional advice. These recent events have led me to reflect on museum security.

Thefts from museums have been much in the news lately and the Board of Trustees have requested a review of security following rumours that our security is not up to accreditation standard (something to do with the staff's pre Xmas blog questioning our security procedures). Suffice to say revenge on the staff will be a dish best served in vague management speak.

I confirmed to the Chair of Trustees that our security procedures are of accreditation standard. This had been easily done by borrowing a good museum's documentation and substituting the words 'British Museum' for the words 'Museum of Unreason'. Unfortunately my assertion that recent thefts have coincided with visits to the region from Museum Association staff clearly intent on redefining their Code of Ethics whilst maximising the organisation's income fell on deaf ears.

Of particular concern to the Board was our rhino horn. Its arrival at our museum is a long story (best left for another blog). I follow the 'hide in plain site' method and had cunningly hidden it on the forehead of our lifesize model carthorse in the rural life section. The label reads, "The last known unicorn in the UK killed on this site by Launcelot déRaison in 1074". The model is harnessed to a nineteenth century hearse which the label suggests contains Launcelot's body. I think it adds much needed authenticity to our farm scene.

Security being supposedly lax at the museum, I decided to keep the rhino horn at home until the Trustees lost interest and then I fully intended to return it. However having surreptitiously slipped it into my trousers I was limping briskly through reception when my button fly gave way under the strain. My subsequent attempt to give instant CPR to the elderly lady who had fainted in front of me was  misinterpreted by an off duty policeman and he attempted to arrest me. When the rhino horn fell on the floor during the struggle it caused much consternation in the Saga tour party watching the scene; ambulances were called and some unfortunate pictures found their way into the local press. I understand all casualties are now recovering well in the Unreason General Hospital.

The discovery of the rhino horn and the fact that I appeared to be engaged to a prominent member of the Russian mafia (see earlier blogs) has led to some time at her majesty's pleasure followed by extended gardening leave before all the misunderstandings were cleared up. My return to work was greeted joyously by the staff all clapping with one hand.

Anyway this brings me to the main purpose of the blog today. Museum security essentials.

When you leave be sure to lock the door and leave the light on

Next week - collection backlog short cuts (order your skip now)

New Year's Resolution: Clear that backlog

Happy New Year dear reader.

After a Christmas break watching reviews of the year which singularly failed to mention the museum crisis in this country I began thinking about starting 2012 off as positively as possible given that the world is apparently guaranteed to end on 21st December 2012. This gives plenty of time for the conscientious museum professional to meet his or her maker with their museum meeting current accreditation standards.

So here is my to do list.

1. CLEAR THE ACCESSIONING BACKLOG ONCE AND FOR ALL. I can't allow everything to be destroyed in a global apocalypse without being properly recorded.
2. I realise I am unable create the time to do it myself, so I will apply for small grant funding to employ part time staff to clear the backlog.
3. In the current circumstances money is thin on the ground so I will instead recruit new volunteers and train them up to do it.
4. I don't have time to train volunteers myself. So I will recruit fully trained registrars as volunteers thereby cynically using the glut of recently unemployed museum professionals.
5. All unemployed registrars will still want paying and have already set themselves up as consultants so I will create four backlog clearance timetables based upon objectives 1-4.
6. I don't have time to create four timetables, so I will simply re-write the collections management strategy to reflect the available resources to clear the backlog.
7. Sod it - I'll just call it all a 'handling collection'.
8. Bugger - objections from the Education Manager means I will ethically dispose of the backlog, or failing that sell the stuff on ebay.
9. Bollocks - museums don't want to increase their collections and the trustees don't want to be seen to be selling their stuff.
10. Hire a skip and hope nobody notices before 21st December.

Happy New Year

Mishandling Collections

Museums nowadays are faced with two pressures (among many).

• How do we increase visitor numbers? 
• How do we increase access to collections?  

Its important to remember that the public only ever see 10% of the collection a museum holds, and, although the audience has increased through specific project funding to identify non-visiting communities, there has not been a sustained general increase in museum visitors?

Lots of money has been thrown at the problem, but what is really needed is some cloudy thinking.  In the Museum of Unreason we can rationalise the collections, increase the access and visitor numbers in one fell swoop without spending a penny.

Museum ethics do not encourage the selling of collections, but a lot of ‘stuff’ in the stores is of little monetary value anyway. Some museums rationalise their stores and create handling collections for schools for their less important objects. This has more promise but needs cloudy development.  Add to this the research that shows women make the cultural decisions in the household. So unless you are lucky to be a military/railway/engineering museum how do you attract that great lost audience - the working class male? The Museum of Unreason has the answer.

The solution - develop a mishandling collection.

      Invite the public to come up with interesting ways to mishandle objects with the ultimate aim of destruction. The winner gets to do it. Exploiting inherent male violence.
2.     If you’ve go a lot of one type of object, invite teams to compete to destroy objects against the clock and award the Unreasonable Object Care Trophy to the winners. This exploits inherent male competitiveness.
3.     If other museums take this up get your friends groups to compete against each other. Men like team games.
4.     Establish trails around the museum  ‘supermarket sweep’ meets ‘demolition derby’ – tickets could be sold to watch it. Fun for all the family.

Crazy you may say, BUT think of the benefits to the museum.

      More storage space – admit it your museum stores are crammed full.
2.     Suddenly 10% of collection on display becomes 50% by having reduced the number of items in store, thus giving increased access to collections.
3.     A general increase in visitor numbers, with men becoming empowered cultural consumers
4.     Your complacent curators are now on their toes with their research to make sure they keep the important stuff from destruction.
5.     Your exhibits are now more valuable because the objects in them are now rarer.
6.     Your acquisitions and disposals policy can be re-written to accept any old rubbish, as long the donor is made aware it might go into a handling collection. So when your front of house staff are offered the contents of granny’s attic it is accepted with glee.

          

           Remember, if you are still unsure, there is no such thing as bad publicity.