Museum Security Essentials

Regular readers bereft at my absence from the blogosphere of late are in need of a quick explanation before I get to the substance of this week's professional advice. These recent events have led me to reflect on museum security.

Thefts from museums have been much in the news lately and the Board of Trustees have requested a review of security following rumours that our security is not up to accreditation standard (something to do with the staff's pre Xmas blog questioning our security procedures). Suffice to say revenge on the staff will be a dish best served in vague management speak.

I confirmed to the Chair of Trustees that our security procedures are of accreditation standard. This had been easily done by borrowing a good museum's documentation and substituting the words 'British Museum' for the words 'Museum of Unreason'. Unfortunately my assertion that recent thefts have coincided with visits to the region from Museum Association staff clearly intent on redefining their Code of Ethics whilst maximising the organisation's income fell on deaf ears.

Of particular concern to the Board was our rhino horn. Its arrival at our museum is a long story (best left for another blog). I follow the 'hide in plain site' method and had cunningly hidden it on the forehead of our lifesize model carthorse in the rural life section. The label reads, "The last known unicorn in the UK killed on this site by Launcelot déRaison in 1074". The model is harnessed to a nineteenth century hearse which the label suggests contains Launcelot's body. I think it adds much needed authenticity to our farm scene.

Security being supposedly lax at the museum, I decided to keep the rhino horn at home until the Trustees lost interest and then I fully intended to return it. However having surreptitiously slipped it into my trousers I was limping briskly through reception when my button fly gave way under the strain. My subsequent attempt to give instant CPR to the elderly lady who had fainted in front of me was  misinterpreted by an off duty policeman and he attempted to arrest me. When the rhino horn fell on the floor during the struggle it caused much consternation in the Saga tour party watching the scene; ambulances were called and some unfortunate pictures found their way into the local press. I understand all casualties are now recovering well in the Unreason General Hospital.

The discovery of the rhino horn and the fact that I appeared to be engaged to a prominent member of the Russian mafia (see earlier blogs) has led to some time at her majesty's pleasure followed by extended gardening leave before all the misunderstandings were cleared up. My return to work was greeted joyously by the staff all clapping with one hand.

Anyway this brings me to the main purpose of the blog today. Museum security essentials.

When you leave be sure to lock the door and leave the light on

Next week - collection backlog short cuts (order your skip now)