The Museum of Tomorrow may actually be The Museum of Tomorrow

Source: http://museudoamanha.org.br/

Welcome to 'The Museum of Tomorrow'

"The Museum of Tomorrow is a different kind of science museum. A space conceived through the values of sustainability and conviviality that explores the ever-changing times we’re witnessing and the possible paths we may take during the next 50 years."*

 This new cultural organisation is in Rio de Janeiro and could be an intriguing stop off point for the masses of sports enthusiasts for this year's Olympic Games.

But is it a museum?

An initial review (from John Orna-Ornstein* no less) is very positive.  Here is his twitter review in full.

"Only one object, but @museudoamanha is thoughtful, beautiful, supremely relevant and rather brilliant."

I was drawn to his comment, '...only one object..'. In the museum world we have been working to a museum definition by our Museums Association since 1998.

'Museums enable people to explore collections for inspiration, learning and enjoyment. They are institutions that collect, safeguard and make accessible artefacts and specimens, which they hold in trust for society.' (my italics).

According to this definition a museum of one object is not a museum.

One object does not a collection make. If that is the case I have a second hand Ford Ka collection, all of which are in working order (just). But I am not the Working Museum of Second Hand Everyday Affordable City Cars.

So what is the difference?

The difference is the 'inspiration, learning and enjoyment' part of the MA definition and is pertinent to the remaining part of Orna-Ornstein's review.

As soon as we break from our 'collections' fetishism we release the shackles. If we think of artefacts and specimens as tools that may be used to inspire and not an end in themselves, all of a sudden we can have more enlightened disposal policies, more engagement with artefacts in the public domain (there are excellent examples out there) and develop the museum's outward focus on society rather than inward of collection conservation and management.

Furthermore Orna-Ornstein has identified an element of museum work that is implicit within the definition, but, in my view, should be explicit - relevance. Museums are about today (some forget that) and should be working hard for society now. It sounds like this new museum is trying to do just that.

Let us all work towards a less collections dependent definition of a museum that explicitly challenges us to be relevant to the society as it is now and will be in the future.

In which case Rio's Museum of Tomorrow, may actually be the museum of tomorrow.



* http://museudoamanha.org.br/en/welcome
**John Orna-Ornstein is Arts Council England's Director of Museums

I decline to accept the end of museums

On 10th December 1950 in Stockholm, Sweden a modest writer called William Faulkner was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. He accepted it during the dark days following the Soviet acquisition of the nuclear bomb and the very future of civilisation seemed under threat. Move forward 66 years and the pessimists are talking of the death of museums. I disagree strongly with this view. Read (or listen to) the Faulkner speech, apply it to museums and the argument for optimism still holds up. This can be simply because museums are an intrinsic part of human civilisation. To lose them would be part of the loss of self. The speech can also be read as an emphasis on the link of museums with the broader cultural and artistic community. Unwittingly he has hit upon one of the secrets of sustainability that Arts Council England are very keen on. i.e. working with artists.

I have taken an reinterpreted excerpt from the speech. I hope it will inspire you as it did me.

"I decline to accept the end of museums. It is easy enough to say that museums are immortal because they will endure: that when the last ding-dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last worthless rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will still be one more sound: that of museums puny inexhaustible voice, still talking. I refuse to accept this. I believe that museums will not merely endure: they will prevail. They are immortal, not because they alone among cultural organisations have an inexhaustible voice, but because they have a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and engagement and endurance. The poet’s, the writer’s, duty is to write about these things. It is his privilege to help museums endure by lifting their hearts, by reminding them of their collections and activities and hope and pride and compassion and love and sacrifice which have been the glory of humanity's past. The poet’s voice need not merely be the record of museums, it can be one of the props, the pillars to help them endure and prevail."

William Faulkner 1919 - 1962 

Museum Audience Segmentation

In the museum world we are actively encouraged to get to know our audiences better and help them enjoy 'participatory activities'. We want them to engage with us, our collections, our volunteers, our shop and our Lidl bought 'homemade' cake - and then come back and do it again. We too often fall into the 'been there done that' category of cultural activity. But the great secret of a successful museum is turning visitors into participants. In other words we need to change the traditional forms of museum visiting. The clever museum will tailor their visitor experience against carefully researched audience segmentation. Helpfully, a few years ago Arts Council England produced, 'Arts Audiences: insight' an in-depth market segmentation in terms of visitor motivation and their engagement with the arts. Ignoring the fundamental question of how you actually identify these people and then contact them it is a useful way of segmenting visitor motivation. Although museums are part of the cultural offer of any locality, I like to believe museum visitors are a special breed. So I have used the Arts Council segmentation to create a museum specific alternative segmentation to create unique participatory experiences for each.


Arts Council Segment
THE URBAN ARTS ECLECTIC  - Highly qualified, affluent, and in the early stages of their career, urban arts eclectic are dynamic, and believe in seizing life’s opportunities.

Museum equivalent
URBANE FART DEFECTIVE  - Highly disqualified, effluent and in the early stages of dementia, urbane fart defectives are anaemic and seize up in the face of life's opportunities

Participatory activity - TAKING IT EASY AT THE MUSEUM - simply provide a comfy seat, mug of Horlicks and the Times crossword


Arts Council Segment
TRADITIONAL CULTURE VULTURES - At a later stage in life and having attained a high standard of living, Traditional culture vultures have time to devote to their many leisure interests. Art and culture takes up the majority of their time, alongside travelling and spending time with family.

Museum equivalent
IRRITATING MARROW SPARROWS - At a later stage of multiple cat ownership having attained a high standard of whingeing they have plenty of time to annoy museum staff, which takes up the majority of their day, alongside dribbling and spending time wondering why their family avoid them.

Participatory activity - HAVING YOUR SAY - give them the complaints book to fill out detailing all the shortcomings of the museum, the staff and the volunteers (which you can use later for 'management' purposes)


Art Council Segment

FUN FASHION AND FRIENDS - Fun, fashion and friends are developing their careers or just starting families. In their leisure time, they like to indulge in their interests of fashion and food. They are ambitious, optimistic and relish seeking out new experiences with friends and family.

Museum equivalent

FUZZ DEPRESSION AND OVERSPENDS - Fun fashion and friends and a burgeoning career ended when they started their family. They have no leisure time as their interests extend to changing nappies and sleeping at work. They have forgotten they were ambitious and optimistic but now relish going to museums for the peace and quiet.

Participatory activity - HOME FROM HOME  - provide a mop and bucket and get mums cleaning their baby's vomit from the sculpture gallery floor


Arts Council Segment
MATURE EXPLORERS - Balanced and practical, mature explorers keep up to date with current affairs and the news and seek to develop informed opinions, displaying their ethical concerns through their lifestyle choices. Neither faddish nor brand or image conscious, they are more practical in their spending habits and tend to opt for the ‘tried and tested’ approach. They use art as a way to bring a new perspective to their lives.

Museum equivalent
MATURE CHEDDAR EXPORTERS - Yellowing slightly, creamy and tasty, mature cheddar exporters keep up to date with all the informed opinion and ethical issues of dairy production. They are abhor the modern trend towards sticking peppers in everything. They use museums as a place to eat their sandwiches.

Participatory activity - BUFFET BONANZA! - consists of putting small squares of cheese on a stick with a silver skin onion


Arts Council Segment
DINNER AND A SHOW - Dinner and show are a mainstream group consisting of a significant
proportion of young and middle-aged people. With two-thirds employed and a third comfortably off, this group has disposable income to spend on leisure activities. Young or young at heart they enjoy life – eating well, socialising and going on outings related to music.

Museum equivalent

PINT AND A KEBAB - They are a mainstream group consisting of a significant proportion of drunks. With two thirds possessing a criminal record this group spends its disposable income on gambling. Young at heart but old in liver they go into museums to use the toilet facilities. 

Participatory activity - SUPER LOO SWEEP  - use the mop and bucket again and this time run a book on who can swab the lavatory floor quickest without spilling their pint.

Arts Council Segment

FAMILY AND COMMUNITY FOCUSED - Typically in their 30s and 40s, Family

and community focused have built a comfortable nest with their moderate financial means, and their priorities lie with their children, connecting with the local community and holding on to their cultural roots. Their interests lie squarely with their immediate surroundings and understanding people like themselves. 

Museum equivalent
FIRMLY OPPORTUNITY CONCUSSED - Typically in their 30s and 40s, having been made redundant several times their priorities now lie in spending their child benefit and scavenging from their local community. Their interests lie squarely with their immediate surroundings and go into museums for the warmth and the fact that most don't charge to let them in.

Participatory activity - FUN WITH OBJECTS - get them accessioning the collections backlog.


Arts Council Segment
BEDROOM DJs - In their late teens or 20s, still living with their parents or having just flown
the nest, Bedroom DJs are starting out in life. They are motivated and aspire to do well in their careers.

Museum equivalent

BEDROOM PJs - Although it is late in the afternoon they are still in their nightwear and just starting out from their bedroom. They are not motivated to get dressed, wash or experience sunlight. Will visit museums digitally via the internet accidentally when putting 'muse' into the Google search engine.

Participatory activity - DIGITAL DILEMMAS - challenge them to create a computer script that will divert all search engine traffic that uses the word 'sex' to your museum website.

Arts Council Segment

MID-LIFE HOBBYISTS - In their 30s, 40s and 50s, Mid-life hobbyists are family-focused and
spend most of their leisure time at home. They do not currently attend any arts events, mostly citing cost and lack of time as the main reasons.

Museum equivalent

MIDWIFE LOBBYISTS - In their 30s, 40s and 50s these politically engaged NHS employees spend most of their leisure time up to their elbows in placenta. Hideously underpaid and overworked the closest they get to a museum piece is an aged mother* overdosing on IVF treatment, donor eggs and sperm purchased on the internet. 

Participatory activity - BABY MAKING WORKSHOP - Use the tropical fish tank as a birthing pool for a new educational activity - fun for all the family and just think of the publicity.

Arts Council Segment
RETIRED ARTS AND CRAFTS - Home-loving and down to earth, retired arts and crafts favour a regular routine and a slower pace of life. This group have a passion for nature and are keen gardeners.

Museum equivalent
REQUIRED DARTS AND DRAUGHTS - Pub loving and salt of the earth, they favour games around the clock and a have a checkered past. They visit social history museums as part of the 'What pubs used to be like' living history group

Participatory activity - PUB GAME EXTRAVAGANZA - pick any one from  a range of bar billiards, shove ha'penny, old English skittles, daddlums, nine mens' morris, crib and dominoes


Arts Council Segment
TIME POOR DREAMERS - Early or mid-career, often juggling work and family commitments,
Time-poor dreamers are busy, and short-term orientated, living in the moment. They engage with popular culture and the arts are not a priority for them.

Museum equivalent
PRIME SNORE SCREAMERS - Early or mid evening sleepers, usually with flubbering lips and billowing bedroom curtains. They inevitably live alone and only engage with museums in their dreams.

Participatory activity - 'SLEEP LEARNING EXPERIMENT DAY' will be a new way of promoting your curator's interminably boring treatise on the larder beetle infestation of the costume collection


Arts Council Segment
A QUIET PINT WITH THE MATCH - A quiet pint with the match are content with life and are not seeking change. They spend much of their leisure time at home, or you might find them having a drink with friends at the local pub.

Museum equivalent
A CANKER RASH WITH A SCRATCH - A canker rash with a scratch  are not content with life and are seeking liniment. They spend much of their leisure time in the bath or you might find them rubbing alcohol on their body in the pub. They go to medical museums for solace and understanding.

Participatory activity - 'OLDE TIME MEDICINE WEEK', make sure you give visitors a slug or whisky and something to bite on before instructing them in the art of live medieval hemorrhoid treatments


Arts Council Segment
OLDER AND HOME BOUND - In their senior years, the older and home-bound group are generally content and have a practical outlook on life. They enjoy a slower pace of life and like spending a lot of their free time at home. Some of them report poor levels of health, which restricts their activities in general.

Museum equivalent
MOULDY AND TOMB BOUND - In their senior years, they spend all their time at home and haven't answered the door for  years. The electricity was cut off 6 months ago and the mail is piled up to window level behind the door. This is the prime museum volunteer demographic.

Participatory activity - 'PRO ACTIVE FUNDRAISING' - encourage volunteers to break into their houses to forge their signatures leaving all their worldly goods to the museum.


Arts Council Segment
LIMITED MEANS NOTHING FANCY - Limited means, nothing fancy are information seekers who tend to spend their disposable income cautiously. Non-judgemental and dutiful, they value family and friendships – for them leisure time is all about having a break and chilling out, within their limited means.

Museum equivalent
LIMITED MEANS NOTHING FANCY - As above, this is our prime museum demographic, regularly seen with Tupperware and a flask enjoying the cheap intellectual serenity of the museum environment.

Participatory Activity - MUSEUM - put lots of objects in glass cases with descriptive labels for them to look at.


So from this weekend (and every day thereafter), we've pulled out all the stops and there will be a full on immersive experience for the LIMITED MEANS NOTHING FANCY demographic. If you're in this demographic come along and join the fun - everyone else stay away.

* The oldest verified mother to date is Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara; she was aged 66 years 358 days when she gave birth to twins

What's the Point?

Unreasonably adapted by the author with due apologies

N.e.w. Y.e.a.r. Wishes

Unexpected seasonal wishes to you all.

Having thought I'd done my last blog, the Mayans failed to deliver on their promise to clear my accessioning backlog. In the end I spent the 'end of the world' in a disused warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow (there must have been a mixup with my girlfriend's address), and as the skies darkened and an arctic cold began to pierce my soul the churlish police official who found me explained that this is quite normal for this time of year in Russia. He then promptly deported me for trying to smuggle excessive quantities of Aspirins into the country.

I returned to discover the staff had done a blog on my behalf and it was hilarious, what whacky japesters they are.  I might let them do it again someday. I must now do a proper blog on what the staff really want - although I do plan to have a tanning bed installed in my office in the meantime.

I haven't actually planned any blogs for 2013, but whilst I was becoming a little too intimate with The UK Border Agency (UKBA) staff, I began to reflect on the proliferation of boring acronyms. The world is full of them and the museum sector is no exception.

So my first wish for 2013 is for more entertaining UK museum sector acronyms.

Let's start with our new overseers Arts Council England (ACE). They need to reflect the reality that they are now also responsible for museums and libraries. I suggest the Museums and Libraries Arts Council England (MALICE). What sort of damage could you do with major MALICE funding?

What about the Association of Independent Museums (AIM). Given that there are a lot of small organisations supporting our independent sector, they should be more forthright and claim that they are the MAIN association supporting independent museums and become MAIM.  Could you maim with malice?

Our professional body the Museums Association (MA) could turn a few heads if it became the ANIMAL barking and biting the authorities on our behalf (Association for National and Independent Museums and Libraries). Local authority museums may feel short changed by this, but if the ANIMAL was affiliated to the LLAMA (Large Local Authority Museums Association) incorporating a  SLUG (Small Local Underfunded Group) then we have a pressure group that has to be taken seriously (or put in a Zoo).

So here's to a happy New Exciting Working Year for Everyone Anywhere,  Really!

Who To Trust?

The Museum of Unreason's complete and utter failure to gain Arts Council Major Grunt funding has led to plan B. We will become a Trust. Is this a good thing? Like any good manager I've broken the task down into manageable stages.

Stage 1: research
I've heard of the National Trust, an organisation dedicated to preserving the smell of lavender in retail outlets. I've also heard of the Welcome Trust, an organisation dedicated to preserving doormats (I think). Research over.

Stage 2: steal other ideas
Result! I discover Renaissance Yorkshire's, "An Opportunity for Change" the ideal planning aid

http://www.yorkmuseumstrust.org.uk/assets/exploring_trust_option_for_museum_services.pdf

This document offers a step by step planning guide for competent museum managers. Alas Renaissance never produced a guide for incompetent managers.

Stage 3: read and weep

Stage 4: have several cups of coffee and have the document explained to you by the cleaner (Peterhouse Cambridge, double first BA in History and Politics, MA in the History of Philosophical Thought and PhD in European Union Cultural Identity)  who isn't able to get a job in the museum because she is under qualified.

Stage 4: start the feasibility stage - part 1

LEGAL
Assess your current legal position - That's easy, 3 points on my driving licence and a police ban on going within 300 yards of the Dog and Whistle pub in my local village (perhaps that will be the subject of another blog - suffice to say she started it!).

BUSINESS
Define intention - Definite intention to be a business
Define Position - Currently in centre cubicle of gents toilet hiding from the cleaner
Identify options - Climbing out the window seems most likely
Assess options - I'm not as young as I was and I've put on a bit of weight recently so its going to be a tight squeeze
Develop recommendation for future governance - get bigger windows in the gents toilet

COMMUNICATION
Identify stakeholders - That must be the chair of the friends group, I like to call him BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody)
Inform stakeholders - Message already written on the toilet roll
Keep stakeholders informed appropriately - Trying to throw the toilet roll through the window is proving trickier than expected
Discuss findings with stakeholders - I suppose I'll have to wait until Bob's next bowel movement

Part 2 next week.

Which Hunt?

World exclusive - leaked first draft of Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt's statement to the House of Commons before he realised the leaked emails related to the News Corp takeover of BSkyB and not the Museum of Unreason's application for Arts Council Major Grant funding.

"Transcripts of conversations due to be published between me - oops sorry, I mean my special adviser and a Museum of Unreason member of staff identified as Frank Rason, have suggested I have a back passage. This is really, really, really not the case. However, the volume, tone and intimations of sexual favours within those communications were clearly not appropriate in this quasi-ludicrous process, and today Whotisname has resigned as my special adviser.

"I have strictly followed some process or other, seeking the advice of random people in the street and after seconds of careful consideration acted on their advice to stop bothering them and piss off.

"I made four decisions in this process and each of those decisions was contrary to what the Museum of Unreason wanted.

"The first decision I made was that I was half-minded to refer the bid to the waste paper bin, but my integrity forced me into my second decision that I would not make a decision until I had bought a shredder from Staples* and taken advice from the shop assistant on how it worked.

"The third decision I made was to extend the period of consultation because Staples was closed when I got there after work. My final decision was to go then go home for tea and not invite Mr. Unreasoning.

"The only contact I had with Frank Rason was an accidental meeting in Ladbroke Grove public conveniences with other people present. The fact that there are emails in which he talks about having personal contact with me, simply did not happen - he remained at a safe distance at the adjacent urinal, and I am reliably informed he always wears rubber gloves and a snorkel to perform his ablutions. Furthermore his suggestion that he called me before I went to see Swan Lake is wrong, I actually went to see Lady Boys of Bangkok five days later.

"I accept, and I've told my special advisor that he also accepts, that those communications overstepped the mark...I knew Wotsisname was authorised to be one of a number of contact points within my back passage, but having seen those communications it is clear that the volume and content was inappropriate.

"The idea that I was backing the Museum of Unreason's bid is laughable, in fact the Museum of Unreason itself is laughable, and the fact that I have any integrity at all is also laughable. So lets all laugh about it."

If only




*other office suppliers are available

Major Grant Imminent, Major Grunt Inevitable

Palms are sweaty, forehead is glistening, hair is receding and greying - why? Wednesday 25th January 2012 is the day the Arts Council of England (ACE) announce the Major Grants for museums with designated collections in England. A potential boost of millions of £££ for museums is imminent - Major Grant. Or a potential loss of income, staff combined with the crushing of hopes and dreams - Major Grunt. Well at least for 3 years anyway. What will happen on Wednesday Grant or Grunt?

1.

Major Grant  -  Celebrate with staff                                                          

Major Grunt -  Tell staff Strategic Grant was the main aim all along

2.

Major Grant  - Put "too rich to care"on your  Outlook auto reply                                                       

Major Grunt -  Put "closing down sale now on" on your Outlook Outlook auto reply                                                 

                                           

3.

Major Grant  - Try to remember the 5 strategic ACE goals                                                                                                                                            

Major Grunt -  Know you will never forget the 5 strategic ACE goals                                

4.

Major Grant  - Know you are now officially an excellent museum                                                                                  

Major Grunt - Know you are now certainly going to be an ex museum  

5.

Major Grant  - Know you now have diverse audiences                                                                                                  

Major Grunt -  Know you now have reverse audiences

6.

Major Grant  - Know your museum embodies leadership                                                                                                            

Major Grunt - Know your museum exudes desperation

7.

Major Grant  - Know you are now a child friendly museum                                                                                                         

Major Grunt - Know that claiming to be child friendly will definitely get you arrested

As Albert Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results" - so book yourself in for psychiatric treatment now, because you are going to go through it again in 3 years time. Either that or 2015 will find you taking it easy on a park bench in London cradling a bottle of meths. It's your choice.

MA Conference Reflections 1 - The Keyhole Speeches

Supreme fortune befell me in the dying days of September. To cut a long story short a botched bank robbery in the High Street enabled me to attend (for the first time) the Museum Association's Annual Conference in Brighton on 3rd-4th October.

It was such an amazing experience that it may take several blogs to do it justice. So I will concentrate on the main keyhole speeches in this blog.

Starting first thing on Monday morning, in my haste to be on time I had a near death experience involving a megaphone and an old age pensioner. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. Placing myself strategically on the floor I asked my neighbour who was the man speaking on the stage. The whispered reply seemed to be 'Edge Vaguely Sinister Couture' -well at least that explained his tie. But he helped me define that a real museum spent ££££ to get 000s of visitors and did not waste its time engaging with communities, making collections accessible and generally providing 'culture'. What a relief. My ears cleared to discover it was Ed Vaizey our Minister for Culture. Oops

I wanted to attend an ACE briefing which turned out to be less exciting than it sounded. In my haste to be on time I had a  major incident with a canister of helium and a contrabassoon. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. A dapper gentleman seemed to be suggesting you would be popular if you had a designated collection. I asked my neighbour who he was. The whispered reply seemed to be 'Deadly Swine' which I thought was a little unfair. Anyway I took his advice and stuck a label to my forehead saying 'I have a designated collection' to see if it would make me more popular (for some reason people tend to avoid me). I abandoned this idea after a slightly frenzied encounter in a toilet cubicle with the Head of Service from a neighbouring district. During this incident I discovered the dapper gent in question was Hedley Swain Director of Museums and Renaissance for the Arts Council. Oops

It was going well so far. In my haste to be on time for the next speech I had a  minor scrape with a shopping trolley and a pneumatic drill. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. My neighbour on the floor informed me it was a Trim Ship from the Garden of Eden (surely its marketing campaign should say 'World's Oldest Museum'). But I was in time to hear that we should 'fake rusks'. I think that constitutes child abuse. However he seemed to go down well so I suggested to my boss that we are only selling plastic food on our children's menu from now on.  Much later I now realise it was Tim Smit from the Eden Project who wanted museums to 'take risks'. Oops

The final keyhole intrigued me as it was to be from the first green imp in Brighton (what colour are they usually?). In my haste to be on time I got a little confused with a tube of superglue and a cd of the speeches of the Reverend Ian Paisley. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. Confusion arose as the imp was taller and whiter than I had presumed (note to self - must attend more equality and diversity training). I must have really mis-heard this time when the imp mischievously expressed more concern for museums and the planet in general than all the humans I had mis-heard previously. Demon logic? No longer will I indulge in cloudy thinking I will now pursue 'demon logic'.

My report back to the boss after the conference has suddenly left me on extended gardening leave. This will give me much more time to reflect on the rest of the conference for next time.

Guarantee yourself 'Major Grant' funding

This week has seen much excitement at the higher echelons of the museum world in England. The Arts Council will take over funding of museums from 1st October and they have announced the criteria for major museum grants. Excited conversations are taking place behind closed doors and the usual toilet reading matter of the Beano and/or Jackie has been temporarily replaced by the newly published 'Culture, knowledge and understanding; great museums and libraries for everyone' (like the Beano but without the pictures or insight).

To save everyone the trouble I give you the cloudy guide to a successful major grant bid.

Firstly don't waste time, are you a big museum service? There are lots of measurements for this, don't worry about looking these up, just ask the next visitor that comes through the door, and if they emit an involuntary laugh you are not a big service and you should stop worrying now. If you really want more disappointment ring up the head of the nearest large museum and ask if they will consider you as part of a consortium bid, they will also emit an involuntary laugh before putting the phone down on you.

So you've passed the mirth test, that means your visitors are serious, therefore you are a proper museum and you will be expected to bid.

The Arts Council has 5 goals and you are only expected to match 2
1. Excellence
2. Audiences
3. Resilience
4. Leadership
5. Children

You will put in a good application so you will cover all 5.
1. Excellence - use the word 'quality' in every other sentence, interspersed with 'standards'. Use the phrase 'quality standards' every paragraph. For example, 'the recent sacking of all our curators has enabled us to reach new quality standards of collection care'.
2. Audiences - (just to remind you, these are the people who get in the way of you doing your job properly) - this time use 'diversity' in every sentence (twice if you can manage it) with the word 'engagement' liberally scattered throughout. For example, 'the incredible diversity of our audience is so diverse that our engagement with them has been incredibly engaging'. 
3. Resilience - in other words say you are not going out of business. This is a lie. Every museum is financially unsound with unrealistic budgets. You avoid this tricky problem by immediately sacking the accountant and shredding the business plan. Point out that all the other museums are lying and pick holes in their business plans whilst say you've made large cuts in none essential services that the others have failed to do. (It may be advisable to keep a small cash kitty hidden, just in case the plan backfires and you need to go on a sudden holiday to Bolivia).
4. Leadership - now play the 'partnership' card, firstly refuse offers from other museums to create and consortium (see above, be sure to laugh). Then put in words like 'disseminate', 'support' and 'develop' for the miserable little museums that clutter up your region. Not being part of the bid they cannot contradict any of this.
5. Children - time to announce the clincher - free museum object with every McDonald's Happy Meal

Millions of £££ will now be winging its way to your museum. You will now have 3 years to come up with excuses, or find a new career.