Supreme fortune befell me in the dying days of September. To cut a long story short a botched bank robbery in the High Street enabled me to attend (for the first time) the Museum Association's Annual Conference in Brighton on 3rd-4th October.
It was such an amazing experience that it may take several blogs to do it justice. So I will concentrate on the main keyhole speeches in this blog.
Starting first thing on Monday morning, in my haste to be on time I had a near death experience involving a megaphone and an old age pensioner. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. Placing myself strategically on the floor I asked my neighbour who was the man speaking on the stage. The whispered reply seemed to be 'Edge Vaguely Sinister Couture' -well at least that explained his tie. But he helped me define that a real museum spent ££££ to get 000s of visitors and did not waste its time engaging with communities, making collections accessible and generally providing 'culture'. What a relief. My ears cleared to discover it was Ed Vaizey our Minister for Culture. Oops
I wanted to attend an ACE briefing which turned out to be less exciting than it sounded. In my haste to be on time I had a major incident with a canister of helium and a contrabassoon. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. A dapper gentleman seemed to be suggesting you would be popular if you had a designated collection. I asked my neighbour who he was. The whispered reply seemed to be 'Deadly Swine' which I thought was a little unfair. Anyway I took his advice and stuck a label to my forehead saying 'I have a designated collection' to see if it would make me more popular (for some reason people tend to avoid me). I abandoned this idea after a slightly frenzied encounter in a toilet cubicle with the Head of Service from a neighbouring district. During this incident I discovered the dapper gent in question was Hedley Swain Director of Museums and Renaissance for the Arts Council. Oops
It was going well so far. In my haste to be on time for the next speech I had a minor scrape with a shopping trolley and a pneumatic drill. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. My neighbour on the floor informed me it was a Trim Ship from the Garden of Eden (surely its marketing campaign should say 'World's Oldest Museum'). But I was in time to hear that we should 'fake rusks'. I think that constitutes child abuse. However he seemed to go down well so I suggested to my boss that we are only selling plastic food on our children's menu from now on. Much later I now realise it was Tim Smit from the Eden Project who wanted museums to 'take risks'. Oops
The final keyhole intrigued me as it was to be from the first green imp in Brighton (what colour are they usually?). In my haste to be on time I got a little confused with a tube of superglue and a cd of the speeches of the Reverend Ian Paisley. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. Confusion arose as the imp was taller and whiter than I had presumed (note to self - must attend more equality and diversity training). I must have really mis-heard this time when the imp mischievously expressed more concern for museums and the planet in general than all the humans I had mis-heard previously. Demon logic? No longer will I indulge in cloudy thinking I will now pursue 'demon logic'.
My report back to the boss after the conference has suddenly left me on extended gardening leave. This will give me much more time to reflect on the rest of the conference for next time.
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