Car Park Art

Contemporary art spans many different and delightful forms. The traditional media such as oil paintings and bronze sculptures still hold their own against more recently developed approaches that use digital media or performance art to create works that are now shaping our modern lives. Therefore the only true concern of art in the twenty-first century is not the 'how' but the 'what'. And that 'what' is the focus of this week's blog.

If you take Picasso's premise that, 'art is a lie that enables us to realise the truth' then we can only truly understand the world through the prism of art. Sadly not everything is considered art, or given the focus by artists. Therefore in order for humanity to survive and prosper it is our duty to turn everything into art and every artist's duty is to do this. I already consider myself and my life as a work of art as outlined in my blog Life is Art. Art is Life. I am Art. Art am I, but I am a trivial irrelevance in the great scheme of things - car parks are not.

If I may modestly quote from my own blog Life is ...a car parking space (one of a number I have contributed on this important subject),

"The car parking space enables society to function, it enables life to happen - it is by proxy the arbiter of your mood, the barometer against which you measure whether you have had a good day, the enabler of activity (or frustrater). It is the lungs of enterprise, the heart of capitalism, the place of that first kiss, the conception of the first child (or fourth child in Ron Howard's case) and ... in dental hygiene."

It is not to overstate the case that the very survival of the human race is dependent upon the creation of more car park art. Only then will society really see itself for what it is and appreciate this most omnipresent of modern architectural phenomena. A new understanding will emerge, one that embraces the lie of the internal combustion engine and its incestuous relationship with the ubiquitous oblong of space. We can only 'realise the truth' of this if art recognises inherent lie that is the car parking space.

I recently discovered a blog post called 'Other Car Park Art' (at http://friarsgate.wordpress.com/2010/02/13/other-car-park-art/) that shows I am not alone in this view. It features art that is based within the car park's oblong environment. The next stage is art independent of the rectangular locus but inspired by, and conveying the inherent truth of, the subject. This is my call to arms for artists everywhere to take up the challenge to populate our modern galleries with 'the truth'. It should be easy - most paintings are rectangles as are most car parking spaces - that is surely no coincidence.

My dream, is that 10 years from now the ten most famous artworks will not be 

• Mona Lisa,
• Starry Night,
• The Last Supper,
• The Sistine Chapel ceiling's Birth of Adam.
• Guernica,
• Girl with the Pearl Earring,
• The Scream,
• Night Watch,
• Water Lilies, and
• The Birth of Venus

but

• Moaning Liza, lipstick on the rear view mirror, an early Renaissance style painting of an enigmatically smiling lady who got the last 'women only' parking space in a Japanese car park see blog Car Parking is a Gender Issue
• Staying All Night, oil on concrete, an abstract of someone getting great value on car park overnight rates
• The Lost Slipper, pen and ink on windscreen, Pre Raphaelite study of the crucial point in the fairytale when Cinderella's pumpkin gets a ticket in a 30 minutes only parking space
• The Ticket Booth's Purse of Ada, pastels in glove compartment, a post impressionistic view of a single object handed in to the security office found on the car park ticket machine
• Milton Keynes, gouache and coloured pencil on lavatory wall, a meditation on the destruction of a whole city through the excessive creation of car parks 
• Girl with the Pearlescent SsangYong, oil stains on hubcap, Fauvist celebration of female asian motoring in a field set aside for the annual Korean mud festival
• The Screaming, salt and watercolour in the petrol tank, a post impressionist breakdown in a residents' only car space
• Night Watchmen, water soluble ink pen in Nuts magazine, constructivist view of the night shift in a 24 hour staffed car park
• Walter's Lilies, watercolour on back seat, impressionist view of a forgotten piece offering gift to a neglected wife in a multi-storey car park
• The Birth of Vera, acrylic on bed sheet, De Stijl abstract of of an incident in the local hospital car park

Artists its now up to you. Make that dream come true

Project Management Postscript

Some have you may have noticed that I haven't blogged for a couple of weeks. This is quite simply because people are beginning to read my blog and take my advice.

I'm obviously delighted, although it seems the Honourable Chair of Trustees himself doesn't read my blog, he was informed abut my last blog by some bloke in the pub.

Upon being informed of the content of the blog, thankfully the Chair of Trustees has followed my advice on 'Effective Project Management' by moving immediately to Stage 3 of the process for our ongoing Heritage Lottery Fund project. For the unenlightened, this is the 'Panic' stage.

Thus I'm now entirely confident that our HLF project is on track and approaching successful completion while I have enjoyed another period of 'gardening leave'. So confident was the Chair in the management process I had initiated that I was sent from the premises with the hearty words, '... and don't bother to come back until we've finished'.

At last my efficient and enlightened approach to management is beginning to be noticed and adopted.

This has meant that I haven't been able to get to the museum computer to write my blog during office hours as I usually do. Although some quick lessons in cyber-hacking from my Russian girlfriend has allowed me home access to all the museum's online activity. She has promised me the usual legal support to keep my job in exchange for funding to help with her grandmother's ongoing illness. So I can now blog from anywhere in the world. I'm currently enjoying a very cheap holiday in Ukraine (my goodness the nightlife is lively) and indulging my passion for car parking spaces in the meantime.

Enjoy.

England's Green and Pleasant Car Park

I am conscious I have been neglecting our car parking heritage lately. I note there was not a single mention of car parking  heritage at the Museums Association Conference. However, yesterday I was privileged to place my modest limousine in a car parking slot that is proof of Oliver Cromwell's assertion that 'God is an Englishman'. 

Suitably organic, lacking the geometric precision of other European spaces, and placed in a suitably bucolic setting. Just drink in its beauty, feel the sun on your face and bask in the distant memory of summer and thank heavens you are part of 'this happy breed of men [in] this little world'. 

 

And did those cars in ancient time 

Drive upon England's roadways green? 

And was the holy park for cars 

On England's pleasant pastures seen? 

MA Conference and Pictures of Car Parking Spaces

I am preparing myself physically, mentally and spiritually for the upcoming Museums Association Conference in Liverpool. The MA has unsurprisingly not replied to my offer to be the blog of record for the conference. I will nonetheless tell it like it is for those need to know. I regard it as my public duty to the world's museums.

At the conference itself I am particularly curious to find out more about the MA's new strategy document. I think it encourages museums to hold 1970s themed 'swinging' parties and is called Museums Change Wives. 

In the meantime here are some pictures of car parking spaces.


A renaissance inspired cubed square space


The great mystery here is: why is the number more heavily eroded than the bordering lines?


The designer here was clearly an American Football fan


A proper man-size space - alas restricted to coaches only


natural and festive - a delight for any car to park in


I'm not sure what to make of this duplicated message - who needs the reminder?


My favourite type of space - a little corner of a car park I can call home


A disused space?


Some proper effort has gone into the design of this one - disciplined segregation through design


Anarchically undifferentiated car parking space comprising sensuously geological material in the heart of England

See you all at the conference, I'll be the one with a moustache.

Happy Upbeat Quotes

One of the modest reasons for this blog was to change the world into a better, happier place.

It seems after four years that this might be beginning to happen.

Regular readers of the blog will recognise this image

I used it to illustrate the true meaning of life, but used a quote from Wittgenstein as the title, "I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves"

And yet on a Seivo search engine this image popped up under a search for 'happy upbeat quotes'.

http://seivo.com/index.php?page=search/images&search=happy%20upbeat%20quotes&type=images

My first thought was that if Wittgenstein was their idea of a happy quote then I would be reluctant to search for 'miserable unhappy quotes' on that particular search engine.

BUT, it is only the image that is displayed. In other words the car park itself is the quote. AND it is a happy upbeat one. That makes me happy and hopefully there are people parking their cars all over the world with smiles on their faces.

At last I am beginning to think my work may be done. Another of my reasons for the blog is to develop the appreciation of car parking spaces as heritage and art. Work is still to be done in this respect, but the moment I find an artwork concentrating purely on the car park space as its focus - then I will die a happy blogger.

Are you a museum piece?

Following my last 'car parking space as toothbrush' blog, I have been literally inundated with another picture. I am currently musing upon its societal implications, but the one thing I have been struck by is how they are all the same -yet different (I'm playing a spooky tune in my head while I'm typing this). I have been thinking about this during our great nation's Heritage Open Days. Apparently a great success according to the Norwich Evening News*, but less so in the small village of Unreason - my musings on this annual event will be the subject of a later blog. I sat there bored, questioning my existence and the point of museums. I was at a new low, our funding was being cut again and my Russian girlfriend's grandmother was ill again and needed me to send more money.

However, we did have one visitor yesterday. I never realised that our government's esteemed Culture Secretary has a second home in Unreason. In fact many members of he current government either live, have second homes, or claim expenses in Unreason and the surrounding hamlets of Unreasonable and Unreasoning. He didn't actually visit but I saw him through the window as he walked past. However I fell into conversation with Mr.Vaizey as I followed him down the street. He eventually informed me from the tree in which he happened to have climbed that I was a museum piece myself.

I stopped, put down my pitchfork and immediately cogitated on the profundity of the man. Buildings are museums, ancient objects are museum pieces, car parking spaces should be museum objects, but they pale into insignificance against the very uniqueness of the human individual.

Consider this, there is only one of you, it is highly unlikely that there will be another person like you, never mind what what you do, what you collect and how you interpret the world around you. You are brilliant, unique and the world is different because of you - celebrate that and go to sleep with a smile on your face.

You are the very definition of rare. How can you put a value on one-of-a-kind? You can't. It is inestimable and therefore your value is infinite. You are more important than a museum, you are THE living museum. That was a revelation to me of biblical proportions - so I delved into that book of wisdom to clarify this thought.

 Proverbs 29:18 from the King James Version (that's the only proper bible) says , 'where there is no vision, the people perish'. Blinkered theologians have interpreted the 'vision' as the redemptive revelation of God. I fact our Culture Secretary says it is really saying that the 'vision' is the redemptive revelation of your singular beauty and individuality - realisation of this will allow you to thrive, grow and blossom. Yet too many of us perish, caught within a self-defeating spiral of self doubt imposed upon us by others and society.

So I went back to the museum, put the pitchfork back onto our Witches of Unreason display, then stood in front of a mirror and revelled in the museum piece before me; sent my girlfriend's grandmother a get well card, then rang the Chairman of Trustees to say not to worry everything is going to be alright, that I am God and car parking spaces ARE heritage.






*http://www.eveningnews24.co.uk/news/heritage_open_days_festival_is_a_huge_success_in_norfolk_1_2754206

Life is ...a car parking space

Take a look at this picture of a car parking space. It could be anywhere in the world (well, not really anywhere - connoisseurs will instantly recognise the soft yellow lines, and the cracked, sun baked concrete bitmac mixture as Texas U.S.A. - probably south near the Gulf of Mexico).  You wouldn't take a second glance at it, unless you were in a car and looking for a somewhere to park. And there is my point. I would argue that the most common form of pleasure and relief we experience in our car based society today is the discovery of a free car parking space. Next time you pull onto your drive, into your garage, or finding some on street parking near your house - think of that pleasure. It means home, it means a safe haven - most memories will feature that space however unconsciously.

Next time you go shopping, go to work, or to a museum (as I do on a daily basis) just reflect on that small skip of the heartbeat when that magical space between two vehicles comes into view. On this crowded island of Britain that could be translated into unconfined joy and tears of relief (I particularly recall one such moving experience when Christmas shopping a few years ago).

Let me take that thought a step further and use this particular car parking space to illustrate the depth of importance of the car parking space in our lives.

The car parking space enables society to function, it enables life to happen - it is by proxy the arbiter of your mood, the barometer against which you measure whether you have had a good day, the enabler of activity (or frustrater). It is the lungs of enterprise, the heart of capitalism, the place of that first kiss, the conception of the first child (or fourth child in Ron Howard's case) and in the case above a crucial step in dental hygiene.

This picture was sent to me with this quote attached,

"This car parking space sits outside of my dentist's office. Without a car parking space, I wouldn't have been able to park my car. If I didn't park my car, then I wouldn't have gone into my dentist's office for my appointment. If I didn't go to my appointment, then I wouldn't have gotten my teeth cleaned. So ultimately... this car parking space is like my second dentist."

There you have it in a nutshell. Car parking space as tooth brush. Car parking space as health clinician.

Salvador Dali never said far better than I.

"Progressive art [and car parking spaces] can assist people to learn not only about the objective forces at work in the society in which they live, but also about the intensely social character of their interior lives. Ultimately, it can propel people toward social emancipation." (I added the bit in brackets - Dali would have said it but I feel he lacked the imagination).

Artists are always arguing that life is art (Tracey Emin's 'My Bed' in 1999 anyone?) then car parking spaces are art, maybe brutal, angular vorticist art - but art nonetheless.

There it is - the car parking space rules our lives, they ARE our lives and therefore let's celebrate them as ART, as DENTISTS, as MUSEUM pieces worthy of our respect. Next time you conveniently park - shed a small tear of sorrow at the neglect at these wondrous rectangular boxes.

Car Parking is a Gender Issue

My apologies for the delayed blog. I have endured another period of 'gardening leave' following a misunderstanding when the Chair of the friends group handed me a wad of cash saying, "Here is a fundraising donation for you." I was touched by the regard with which I am held in the organisation and immediately bought myself a new set of golf clubs. At the subsequent disciplinary hearing I convincingly argued it was a genuine misunderstanding - that 'you' has a very different meaning  from 'your museum'. As a precaution I enlisted the help of my Russian mafia girlfriend to construct a 'convincing' argument (by way of thanks I paid her from a couple of spare coins out of the numismatic collection).

Anyway after a month of leave I'm back at work and my handicap is down to 18.

Now to the main point of the blog - women only car parking spaces. 

My research has yet to discover the world's first car parking space (my money is on the USA), but I have discovered the rise of women only car parking spaces. Disabled spaces and parent/child spaces are commonplace in the UK but I have yet to see a 'women only' space. It seems that in some German states 10% of spaces must be designated for women. These are near entrances, security guards etc. This makes sense in terms of safety, although statistically a woman is in more danger in her home and only 1 in a thousand crimes in car parks are sexual assaults. But it seems a progressive move and if we can get that figure for sexual assaults down to 0 in a thousand then they will be worthwhile.

Another country blessed with this foresight is China. Although rather than having a sign, it seems they have gone for wider spaces in different colours for women. They have taken to heart the statistic that women cause twice as many collisions in car parks as men, rather than that of violence inflicted on women in public places. So this appears to be a safety measure for men rather than women. 

However it is Korea that seems to be the true home of the women only car parking space. The Seoul city authorities have painted 4,929 spaces pink with the thinking that women in high heels should not have to walk as far to their destination. So car parking is a fashion issue in Korea. Perhaps they could develop this initiative by having minimum heel sizes closer to entrances. Perhaps having the highest heel spaces closest to a first aid station.

Quite what this all says about the difference between Chinese, Korean and German societies I'm not sure - but I applaud the idea as both a safety and fashion issue.

What would a 'men only' space look like? My guess is it would have a minimum parking speed and be exactly 1 inch thinner than the average car width. But wait! It seems the German town of Triberg has already introduced the first men only spaces, which are apparently much more difficult to manoeuvre into than 'normal' spaces. As a man I'm up for that challenge!

So imagine a future with car parks containing multi coloured spaces in different shapes and sizes with different footwear regulations.

 That is a world I would want to live in.

Please send me photos of any car parking spaces worth preserving for posterity at museumofunreason@gmail.com

What's in a Name?

Since I began blogging, the Museum of Unreason has stimulated a tremendous lack of interest from the interneterati as to where Unreason might be. Since Google removed our website on the grounds of "an unnatural interest in car parking spaces" there are no directions available to the casual browser. I will now rectify this.

Unreason is one of those villages that foreigners laugh at as quaint but we accept as normal. Having been born Bare, schooled in a Box, had my first drink in Booze, embarrassed myself in Bottom Flash, crashed my first car in Dent, learnt everything I know about museum management in Great Cockup I now find myself in the glorious place of Unreason. I encourage you all to come and find peace here.

How to find Unreason

From the South
1. Firstly, accept that there is culture outside of London
2. Cease your Londoncentric thinking at Crouch End
3. Bear right and embrace the countryside while Hinton-in-the Hedges
4. Keep the doors locked when going through Dancing Dicks
5. Remain patient when at Loggerheads
6. Spin lightly through Frisby-on-the Wreake and Unreason is just a step away

From the East
1. Firstly, accept that a museum does not have a tractor on display to be defined as a museum
2. Before you go too far, stop and have a Good Easter
3. Take the Black Car road
4. Stay awake through Great Snoring
5. Count to ten when Seething
6. Wave at Mavis Enderby as you go by
7. When you've checked on Anton's Gout in the Wasps Nest you'll be in Unreason in no time

From the West
1. Firstly, get out of Clink
2. Get a supply of Hopton Wafers and toilet roll to avoid Scratchy Bottom when going through Shitterton and Loose Bottom
3. Catch forty winks when you Retire in the Land of Nod
4. Freshen up at Washaway
5. Don't be a postman in Dog Village
6. Avoid Dead Cow Point
7. Think before you speak at Wittering
8. When you see the Queen Camel in the road then you have reached a state of Unreason


From the North
1. Firstly, be prepared to leave Dull and Grimness behind you
2. Steer round the Hen Poo (I didn't so Pity Me)
3. If you find yourself in Quebec, don't worry you're on the right road
4. If the Boot fits all is well
5.  If you are lucky you'll be able to luxuriate in Plush
6. Then Rest and Be Thankful as you will have found Unreason

We look forward to seeing you all  shortly

If you like the Museum of Unreason why not campaign for new museums in
Box, Bunny, Booze and Buttock

but not in
Bell End, Brown Willy and Cockup Bottom

Christmas is a time to think of car parking

I usually blog about the absurdity of museums, but at this time of year my thoughts (as well as those of millions of others in the western world) turn to car parking.
Admittedly I am constantly thinking about car parking spaces, but in a campaigning sense. I will not rest until the first real museum of car parking spaces is created. But in a world that lacks car parking space museums car parking is in need of cloudy thinking.
Christmas shopping is a time of good will towards all men, except in the shopping centre car parks when some sort of atavistic free for all exists. This is not because we become bad people but because car parking spaces do not reflect the different needs and character of the human Christmas shopping population.
Planners acknowledge people with disabilities and parents with young children by giving them their own spaces but what about everybody else? The vast majority of us. It would be too painful to deliberately disable ourselves and too criminal to kidnap young children. So what do we do? Here is my suggestion for car park planners across the globe.

• Keep disabled spaces
• Keep parent and child spaces 
• Add parent with parent spaces - for those of us taking aged mother out for her annual shop who then makes you carry around 12 months worth of shopping for the next 4 hours. 
• Add aged parent spaces - for the fiercely independent octogenarian, extra wide spaces with large numbering on posts as far away from everyone else as possible
• Add 'I've forgotten something and just need to pop back for 10 minutes and don't want to spend half an hour finding a space' space. Each with its own warden equipped with a stopwatch.
• Add  slimmer expert parking spaces nearer the shops for regular users and wider novice parking spaces near the aged parent spaces to prevent delays waiting for slow parkers
• Flashing spaces for people who can never find their car
• Males left in car listening to the football spaces - two lots colour coded spaces on opposite sides of the car park to keep fans apart with adjoining pie refreshment cabins
• Childless couple spaces - areas of calm away from crying children where couples can bicker in peace
• Singleton spaces - a chance to meet your future partner in mistletoe shaped spaces
• Reserved spaces that you earn by collecting frequent parker tokens

The result - car parking harmony full of yuletide spirit

Merry Christmas everyone