Moby Dick: or The Whale Museum

Admit it, none of you have read Moby Dick.  Actually, it is the story of the struggle of a senior curator to collect specimens for his museum's natural history collection. Understandably it and has gone down in history as a classic of American literature. Think of it as the written equivalent of Night at the Museum 2.

What many people don't know is that the famous quotes from the book actually relate to the management of the Pequod Wing of the Whale Museum under the watchful director Capt. Ahab. Let me give you the context to save you reading the book.


“I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing.”

Ahab expresses curiosity at the Senior Interpretion Officer's plan to collaborate on the next temporary exhibition with Clowns International*.


"Better to sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunk Christian."

The Education Manager working out the rules for the new schools sleepover initiative in the World Cultures gallery.


“As for me, I am tormented with an everlasting itch for things remote."

The Conservator begins to suspect pest infestation in the Himalayan Wild Yak specimens.


“for there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men ”

The Museum Manager begins to regret setting up a suggestion box in the volunteers' rest room.


“Ignorance is the parent of fear.”

Reception staff realise that modern infant naming has moved on in the 21st Century.


“...to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.”

Ishmael's six monthly appraisal gets off to a confrontational start.


“Think not, is my eleventh commandment; and sleep when you can, is my twelfth.”

The Gallery Assistant explains a possible reason why an expensive work of art went missing on his watch.


“See how elastic our prejudices grow when once love comes to bend them.”

The team building away day gets off to an interesting start.


“Let faith oust fact; let fancy oust memory; I look deep down and do believe.”

The Interpreter's response to criticism by a local Professor regarding historical inaccuracies in the latest exhibition .


“There is all the difference in the world between paying and being paid.”

The Union's response to the suggestion, in an attempt to make the museum sustainable, that staff should pay to come to work.work


“There she blows!-there she blows!”

The gas boiler breaks again!




*It really exists https://www.clownsinternational.com

The Trump Guide to Museum Management

Shallow people don't appreciate the genius of the leader of the free world. Can we in the museum world learn from the great man? I have taken, what has clearly been a labour of love by the good people at Marie Claire* to pull together quotes. Many of the quotes are beyond belief, never mind beyond parody. But let us see if I can apply them to the museum sector. If he can use them and get elected president of the US, surely I can adapt them to keep my job in the museum.

TRUMP
”Any negative polls are fake news, just like the CNN, ABC, NBC polls in the election. Sorry, people want border security and extreme vetting.”

MUSEUM

"Any reports of a drop in visitor numbers to the new exhibition are fake, British Museum 6.7 million visitor figures are laughable. Sorry, people want reduced opening hours and extreme entrance fees"


TRUMP
“Watched protests yesterday but was under the impression that we just had an election! Why didn’t these people vote? Celebs hurt cause badly.”

MUSEUM

"Watched people protesting at our new Jimmy Saville exhibition that we have just opened! Why didn't they see it before objecting to it. Celebs exhibitions hurt museum visitors badly."


TRUMP
“We are going to have an unbelievable, perhaps record-setting turnout for the inauguration, and there will be plenty of movie and entertainment stars. All the dress shops are sold out in Washington. It’s hard to find a great dress for this inauguration.”

MUSEUM
"We are going to have an unbelievable, perhaps record-setting visitor numbers for the new exhibition, and there will be plenty of tea and cake. I won't turn up as all the charity shops appear to have sold out of 56" regular trousers. I am not going to the opening undressed." 

TRUMP “Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Love!”

MUSEUM
"Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies in senior management who have ignored me and lost my emails asking for a pay rises, they just don't recognise genius. Love!" 


TRUMP
 “An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud”

MUSEUM

"An 'extremely credible source' has called my manager and told him I was really off sick and was not spotted on TV putting on a bet at the Cheltenham Festival." Thanks mum.


TRUMP
“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again – just watch. He can do much better!”

MUSEUM

"The V&A should not take on Tristram Hunt. Mark my words he will create new exhibition on dogs - just watch. I can do much better!"


TRUIMP
 “Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.”

MUSEUM

"Female curators that are more successful than me are unattractive, both inside and out. I now fully understand why I am not married - they made a good decision"

TRUMP
 “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.” 

MUSEUM
"I will curate a great exhibition - and nobody creates exhibitions better than me, believe me - and I do it as cheaply as possible. I will curate a great, great exhibition in our southern display room, and I will make the London borough of Croydon pay for that exhibition. Mark my words."


TRUMP
“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bring crime. They’re rapists… And some, I assume, are good people.”

MUSEUM
"When people visit the museum from Croydon, they're not sending the best. They're not sending people like me, they're sending people that have lots of complaints about the service  and they're bringing those children with them. They're bringing their own packed lunches. They bring grime. They're Papists...and some I assume will spend money in the shop.


TRUMP

“Our great African-American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore.”

MUSEUM

"Our great chair of trustees hasn't exactly had a positive impact on stopping visitors who are so happily and openly disturbing my sleep during office hours."


TRUMP
“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

MUSEUM

"All of the women who visit the museum try to avoid me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected."


TRUMP

“One of they key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.”

MUSEUM

"One of the key problems today is that museums are such a disgrace. Good people don't go into the museum profession."

TRUMP
“It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”

MUSEUM

"It's freezing and snowing in my office - we need to be able to afford to turn on the museum heating!"


TRUMP
“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

MUSEUM
"I've said if I had a daughter, perhaps that would mean I actually had a girlfriend in my past.'


TRUMP

“I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”

MUSEUM

"I have never seen anyone fat or thin drinking anything in the museum cafe."

TRUMP
“I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.”

MUSEUM

"I think the only difference between me and the other museum curators is that I'm more honest about the artefacts I've dropped and the women who avoid me are more beautiful."

TRUMP
“My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.”

MUSEUM

"My exhibitons have become so powerful that I cannot actually tell what the truth is anymore."


TRUMP
“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”

MUSEUM

"My IQ is one of the highest - and I know it! Its just the visitors that are stupid or insecure. It's not their fault."

*Many thanks to Marie Claire http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/entertainment/people/donald-trump-quotes-57213

Did Museums Cause Brexit?

Did museums cause Brexit? Or at least could we have predicted Brexit from our museums' output?

With the imminent withdrawal of the UK from the EU in 2019 (29th March for those wanting to plan a party or, alternatively a wake) and the latest speech from our beloved Prime Minister promoting a typically British compromise of a hard soft Brexit or a soft hard Brexit. Its a bit like a Jaffa Cake that is a week past its sell-by date and not particularly appetising for those wanting either a ginger snap or a buttermilk shortbread.

Who is to blame for this biscuit related mess? Well, museums of course. Let me explain.

As any historian will tell you there are long term causes and immediate ones. For example WWI was caused both by Franz Ferdinand's driver taking a wrong turn in Sarajevo in 1914 AND the emigration of the first homo sapiens out of Africa two million years ago. Obviously some events have a more direct impact than others, so which are the most important? The second point to make is that historians are always wrong. This is made obvious by the fact that no-one is blaming museums for Brexit (or thanking us if you are one of the majority). So here we go.

1. The Industrial Museum
I started work in museums in the 1980s and along with many others was made unemployed almost instantly as Britain changed beyond all recognition. Here's a few statistics. Two million jobs were lost in the first half of that decade, almost all in the north (94%). Obviously this was a long term trend and continued after the Thatcher years, but it was most acute 79-86 and in my view encouraged by the government that didn't seem to care about the consequences. All the new wealth created was concentrated in the south and east of the country. For us northerners our industrial identity (mining, shipbuilding, steel etc.) was removed in a heartbeat. What replaced it? Industrial heritage, industrial museums, living history was the answer for a society still grieving from loss. Worse still the audience for these places was not the same audience who were losing their jobs, their dignity and their identity. Well meaning attempts to engage with these audiences then collapsed after 2010 when museums had hard choices to make and outreach and educational activities were the first to be cut. To add insult to injury these middle class statements of loss were heavily funded by Europe.

2. The Heritage Centre. 

As museums we are keen to create safe spaces for debate and understanding the complexity of the world. Multiple perspectives, collaborative curation have reduced the certainty of what a museum is. Historians argue that museum exhibitions are bad history. Curators fire back that they are dealing with a different audience and having more impact than many historians. Primarily the audience deal with is the older person. We are an ageing population, both the audience and volunteers for museums are primarily older. Thus we are engaging them in our cleaned up organised past that they are already nostalgic about. Not just bad history, but an idealised past, a pre-European Union past, a whiter past, a past with less social disintegration. No wonder there is a belief that post Brexit there will be a return to a new world trading empire. Thus not only an idealised past but a nostalgic future. Lets call that the Boris Johnson approach

3. The Immigration Museum.

One of the key drivers of the Brexit vote was immigration. In 1994 the Labour Government opened up UK borders to the new members of the EU. The predicted 10,000 a year immigration was somewhat of an underestimate as immigrants in their hundreds of thousands came to these shores. Good immigration depends on gradual integration, acceptance and adjustment on both sides. It cannot be forced it has to happen organically. Big cities are more used to this and are set up to deal with it in terms of facilities and inhabitant psychology.  Other ares haven't had the chance to develop this mindset and the ongoing pressures on schools, NHS etc. see politicians find new scapegoats to blame and easy financial solutions to take back CONTROL. In this maelstrom what do museums do? Let go of control and send the message that we are all migrants and if we came together in safe spaces we would understand and all get on. A hippy message, a subtle message, an inclusive message, that lacked strength, passion and  purpose and most importantly an audience that wasn't listening. The inclusivity completely failed to give voice to the fear, anger and disorientation in many areas of the country which would be the starting point of rebuilding hope and self worth, before they were asked THAT question in June 2016.

4. The Battle of Britain Flight 

I had a dream that, when WWII disappears from living memory, our national obsession with it would fade with it. Having grown up with adults telling me that they fought in the war for me, with the expectation that I would be somehow grateful,  I looked forward to the day when I could tell the younger generation that I curated a museum on their behalf and would witness the sense of wonder and gratitude in their eyes. But...our obsession grows, war weekends are taking over the summer. Every museum feels it must address it in some way. I will relate an experience I had sitting in a pub when England played Germany at football. An England player badly fouled his opponent and there was a cheer and one rather emotional young man said, "That's for Hitler!'. Will we ever develop a grown up relationship with Germany? Or even the idea of Germany? Or will we be forever be morally superior and most importantly, separate.  Museums should make a difference, they should help us move on? Or in a new era of sustainability we subsume our ethics for the promotion of stereotypes and myths.

5. The Curation of Complacency

Any discussion I had pre Referendum, had a rhythm to it. It was going to be close but we would never leave. It was unthinkable. We have missed the fact that society is changing fast and we in museums are paddling fast, but are being swept away by a lack of economic sustainability and cultural relevancy. We have the same audience demographic that we had in the 1970s, but I have long since stopped riding my Raleigh Chopper bike, perhaps museums should do the same.

What if....Donald Trump became Director of the Museums Association?

Unexpected things happen.

Leicester City wins the Premier League, Richard III is found in a car park and the X Factor winner didn't get the Christmas number 1 this year. Weird things occasionally happen.

Arguably the most unexpected occurrence recently was the election of a wealthy reality TV star in the USA. Given that he seems to be making a bit of a hash of it, he might leave his post early. He may even be run out of the country by an angry mob. If this did happen where will he go? As he told the great Piers Piers Morgan himself,

“I love Scotland. One of the biggest problems I have in winning, I won’t be able to get back there so often. I would love to go there. As you know, before this happened, I would be there a lot."

So once there he needs to have a hobby, I confidently predict he will establish his Trump Museum purely out of revenge for the Guggenheim having refused to lend him a Van Gogh. But given the slightly scattershot nature to his bilious vendettas he will get his own back on us.

“If someone attacks you, do not hesitate. Go for the jugular.”

My guess, he will go for the most ancient and august museum body in Britain...the Museums Association. There is a director at the moment, the fine and distinctly northern Sharon Heal. She would clearly make a better President of the USA than Donald, let alone of the Museums Association. But she has a fatal flaw. She lacks a strong connection to the Russian mafia. Thus, a bit of fake news here, a little vote rigging there, and 'lock her up' chants will be ringing around Clerkenwell Close before you can say museums change lives.

So what is Donald Trump's perspective on museums. The clever money suggests he doesn't know what one is let alone visited one. Therefore we can expect fresh thinking and fresh action.

Will he learn about museums? He will do so, and very quickly, if his confidence about getting to grips with missiles was not misplaced.

“It would take an hour and a half to learn everything there is to learn about missiles. … I think I know most of it anyway.”

He will be confident. When the MA lobbies government,

"We're going to have so many victories, you will be bored of winning."

In his Art of the Deal, he may have already come painfully close to the truth about museums

"You can create excitement, you can do wonderful promotion and get all kinds of press, and you can throw in a little hyperbole. But if you don't deliver the goods, people will eventually catch on."

Also,

"You need energy.In [museums]*, you need energy as well as brains. Brains is always number one, but you need energy."

This is all potentially positive, but I suspect his support for museums may come at a price.

"I'm interested in protecting none of them unless they pay"

So you can expect your MA membership subscription will go up somewhat alarmingly.

Also we may be faced with:

• A big, beautiful new museum that Mexico will pay for
• 50,000 new jobs in the National Mining Museum
• A ban on Muslims entering all museums
• Arming 20% of curators
• Tariffs on object loans from overseas museums
• The claim that the Eden Project is a Chinese hoax
• The next MA conference to be held at Mar-a-Lago

So on reflection, we should keep Sharon Heal for the time being.  So, in order to save our museums
lets hope DT manages to make America great again.

*authors addition - replacing 'life'

Hail to the Advective and the return of the LY

With the liberal world wringing its hands and barely able to digest its falafel, parsley, mint and cilantro wrap at the unfolding Brexit/Trump populist tragedy. I have been able to rise above it all and have already identified the likely legacy of the Trump Administration - a new form of grammar. Satirists have latched onto BIGLY as part of the absurdity in communication that the leader of the free world indulges in. SAD!!

He has apparently said it on a number of occasions,

"I'm going to cut taxes bigly, and you're going to raise taxes bigly."
"We're going to win bigly"
"..they're taking it over bigly" 

History is now being re-written as Trump having said 'big league'. If that is the case I will be disappointed as bigly has a noble tradition as an adverb. Thomas Hardy used it in Far From The Madding Crowd,

"I don't see that I deserve to be put upon and stormed at for nothing!" concluded the small woman, bigly." (Chapter 30)

Trump is clearly paying homage to the British bucolic miserabilist poet, I suspect not fully intentionally, but a diet of Fox News and Breitbart may lead one into an English fantasist reverie that spawned the like of Hardy's Overlooking the River Stour (1916) when being oppressed by fake news from all sides

The swallows flew in the curves of an eight
Above the river-gleam
In the wet June's last beam
Like little crossbows animate
The swallows flew in the curves of an eight
Above the river-gleam

Actually I think that is just me. It is my safe space whenever I accidentally come across Sean Hannity (the US equivalent of Piers Morgan). Incidentally they are the possessors of the two most punchable faces in  the Western hemisphere.

Anyway I digress. I don't think Trump uses bigly as an adverb, and definitely not as an adjective, but as a curious new grammatical term - the advective. Part adverb, part adjective, part invective, part adenoid. Yet again one of the many unique innovations bestowed upon humanity by the great man.

He has brought to a screeching halt the dropping of the 'ly' in everyday English speech patterns. Have you quietly fumed when a football pundit opines that, 'the lad played exceptional'. Or bitten on your hand so hard that you drew blood when sitting on the Clapham omnibus and you overhear a young lady state confidently that she had applied her, 'lip gloss perfect'.

Trump has not only given us lies, he has given us LYs. All hail to the chief. He has reclaimed the endangered two letters lost to modern speech. Not only that he has repealed, reworked and reinterpreted it - just like Obamacare.

I hope he takes it further, perhaps all his future lies are told 'tallly', his Syrian options aren't taken 'nuclearly' , and his presidency is prematurely 'curtailedly'.

ALL HAIL TO THE CHIEFLY

Rio2016 - Why is Team GB so successful?

I feel forced to abandon my summer break from blogging to reflect on the Olympics 2016.

In reality, I've just been turned down for a Heritage Lottery Fund grant for a new pop up museum. 'Pop up' museums are all the rage, although I can't think of anything worse than sitting in a bus station waving my weird objects at people waiting for the no. 9 bus to Old Sodbury.  It needed reinventing before we're all forced to do it.

My idea was 'The Summer of Fun Pop Up Chateau of Unreason Museum'. In return for a modest capital investment from the public purse to purchase a modest pile in Provence, I would pop up for two weeks to make our museum international and develop an entirely new audience. In order to build on this, I would return every year, to cement relations in the bars and restaurants of Arles and Avignon. Sadly, as usual, I am a man ahead of my time and others do not see the visionary potential of the idea.

So I find myself in this country watching the TV through the night. A habit that usually costs me a lot of money after ten minutes of free viewing. But entirely for free I have been watching the Olympics with increasing incredulity as 'Team GB' hoover up the medals in the sports that the U.S.A. think are a bit gay and so do not try too hard to win.

As an aside 'Team GB' is an appropriate name, rather than 'Team UK' (and the Isle of Man and other Crown Dependencies etc.). The most obvious exclusive nature of the 'GB' moniker is to ignore Northern Ireland. Mind you, the idea of a 'Force UK' team would give sponsors second thoughts about associating their brands with FUK (French Connection excepted). Those complainers about 'Team GB' have missed the point. The Northern Irish athletes under the Anglo-Irish Agreement can compete for the Irish Republic - which most choose to do. So a more obvious question to me, is to ask 'Team Ireland' why they are not 'Team Ireland and a bit of the UK' or Team I and NI (TINI) which incidentally matches their medal haul.

This is not to be boastful about GB's success, I am in fact rather depressed about it. I long for the days in my youth, when I had more thumbs than we had gold medals (Pub Quiz Question - who won the only GB Gold medal at Atlanta 1996?*) - it was proportional, it was more suited to our character, and most importantly it allowed the BBC to actually show some sport.

Having watched a lot of the Olympics now. I have seen a lot of GB athletes wandering around in track suits, rather than seeing sport. I've seen a lot of sweaty GB athletes being asked how they feel, rather than seeing sport. I've seen a lot of inspirational profiles of GB athletes, rather than seeing sport. I've seen a lot of interviews with families of GB athletes, rather than seeing sport. I've actually watched some sport where the commentators seem to have forgotten that there are other athletes on the track at the same time as the GB athlete. In case we missed it I then get a repeat where the camera just focusses on the GB athlete so that we can actually pretend there were no other athletes actually present. I have seen endless repeats of all of the above, and I have then seen the news and highlights that only involved GB medal events. Complete ignoring of women's 200m. in news and highlights was a bit of a low.

So lets get back to athletic incompetence and rediscover the Olympics as a celebration of great athletic performance rather than national triumphalism (leave that to the U.S.A. they do that so much better than us and is more in line with their character).

Simple minded analysts have put the success down to lottery funding. £350m. of investment over the last four years for 50 medals to date is obviously money well spent. Isn't it? Well in terms of success per capita it is not. We get a medal for every 1.2m people. Yet Grenada get a medal for every 100,000. Grenada has no lottery, or major public funding and no obesity in the young crisis. Although India has a medal for every 1.3bn. people. If it ever gets its act together, or if Kabaddi is allowed into the Olympics, even China would need to watch out. If we were as successful as Grenada we would have to actually add new games to Olympics to win enough medals. By the way why is golf in the Olympics and squash and kabaddi are not?

Incidentally Grenada is also the most successful country by GDP. GB languishes in 30th place. India is also bottom of this league table.

OK, having made the case that GB is wasting public money, destroying the spirit of the Olympics and underperforming - the question is why are we so successful?

Athletes are quick to thank support teams, nutritionists and coaches. They go into holding camps in Soviet style luxury gulags and boost national confidence and international profile - just like East Germany in the Cold War. Obviously Team GB doesn't use performance enhancing drugs (they just accidentally miss the drug tests), although they do have a secret drug weapon that is quintessentially British - see later.

I checked what Team GB have taken with them to Rio. Where some of that £350m. has been spent.
Naturally a mere 48,000 pieces of kit have been taken (have you noticed that each GB athlete has almost bespoke kit). However that is reasonable, although supplying your own kit would makes the prospect of someone lining up in the 100m. sprint final in a pair of flipflops rather enticing.

The kit does not include footwear and socks (11,000 pairs) or hats. Hats? We have taken 1,500. That seems a lot given that the total of competitors and staff is only 833. Is this wasteful? One hat per head seems reasonable, but one hat per 1.9 heads seems extravagant.

Again this figure does not include the ceremonial suits and the 2,800 luggage bags to carry all this.

Yet 22 shipping containers were needed. I have a lot of socks, but I only need one drawer. What else have they taken? In here lies the secret of GB success.

Team GB has taken 249 sofas and 350 cushions, 72 sets of outdoor garden furniture, 121 kettles and 5,500 tea bags.

There it is!

Sat on the sofa with a cup of tea...and when it isn't raining sitting on the patio..with another cup of tea. The quintessentially British training regime and drug of choice. A government endorsed mass doping system (which other countries have been banned for) underpinned by professional sitting. Which sports are we good at? Rowing, sailing, cycling and horse riding - sitting sports.

So there you have it. GB has discovered sports that match the British lifestyle, so that we are all in training whether we like it or not, and fuelled it with a drug that is not yet on the Olympic banned list (Linford Christie's ginseng tea excepted - had he opted for PG Tips none of that unpleasantness would have occurred).

So is £350m. well spent? Brits spend £6.3bn. on hot drinks (although I admit some of that involves unnecessarily radical coffee drinking) then yes it is.

Spread the word, the most important measure of success for 'Team GB' is the most important statistic of the Olympics.

1 medal for every 100 cups of tea

This could be the secret of india's rise up the medal table when they realise this.

My rigorous viewing so far has raised my tea drinking to almost Olympic standard - I believe I am already there on my sofa training so I might still dream of going to Tokyo in 2020.


RIO 2016 A NEW WORLD


*clue - it involved a couple of blokes (who incidentally I once saw in a McDonalds) sitting down and going backwards faster than anyone else.

EU Referendum Update July 2016

The dust has settled on the EU referendum and the events can be summarised quite easily.

Overall the UK voted to leave, although distinct areas and countries voted to remain.

This caused some political upheaval, which has now become clearer

UKIP - the main leaver left.

Meanwhile in the Conservatives the main remainers left along with all the leavers. That left the remaining remainer insisting that leaving means leaving. She then got the leavers back in to help us leave. Whilst doing this she talked to Scotland who wanted to remain, to persuade them to remain whilst joining in leaving.

In the Labour Party the remainer remains despite efforts to get him to leave by other remainers.

For the Lib Dems the remainers insist leaving means remaining, although nobody is listening to them.

In the country some leavers now want to remain, and many remainers now want to leave the country.

In Europe they want us to remain but insist we should leave as soon as possible.




So where does that leave museums? They want to remain, but will be forced to leave, whilst hoping that the contacts remain, even though the European funding will leave.


Chief BBC political analyst Laura Kuenssberg assessment of the situation is as follows

You put your left arm in

your right arm out 

In, out, in, out, 

You shake it all about.  

You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around

That's what it's all about...

Woah, the hokey cokey,

Woah, the hokey cokey,...

Something for an English Summer?

The Meteorological Office has confirmed that this has been the wettest June on record (records actually began in 1910 - but I suspect we'd been having bad weather well before then). But this was not confined to June. We've had the wettest April-June ever. The total amount of rain in June was 145.3mm (getting on for 6 inches in old money).  With the unsettled weather due to continue due to something to do with the Jet Stream, what should museums do? Normally its time to invest in outdoor event and activities. 

Or should we take our direction from 'Ark Encounter' (https://arkencounter.com/) in Kentucky and build something with a eye to the future (or past?). Does your museum have a spare $100m, then this could be your way forward. A 510 feet long (300 cubits) ark.  It is handy that the Bible, as well as offering an accurate history of civilisation, is also an early IKEA instruction booklet to build your own, species survival craft. 

“And this is how you shall make it: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, its width fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits.” (Genesis 6:15)

Credit: AP*

There's no need to rush, at the current rate of rain it will take 58,000 months to cover Mount Everest in water. Although I suspect humanity will be in trouble long before them. But I think museums would need the time to get to grips with their disposal policies, so that there will be enough room in the ark to house their collections.

Am I being pessimistic? You just need to ask yourself when did you last see a rainbow?

And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: 13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14 Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. 16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.” (Genesis 9:12)

Next time it rains and a rainbow fails to appear, get on the first flight to Kentucky with your favourite object. Or get those strange bits of wood in your museum store that you never knew what they were for, but could never bring yourself to throw out, and start building. It is your duty as a curator to preserve your collection, people may think you are mad, but future generations will thanks you.






http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/07/07/noahs-ark-replica-unveiled-in-kentucky-amid-anger-at-scientifica/

Can I Touch this?

 Do want more millennials in your fusty old halls? Have you thought about playing music in your museum exhibitions?

Museums used to be follow the Bruce Springsteen theory of display outlined in his early manifesto, 'The River' Track 9 - You Can Look (But You'd Better Not Touch)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbd5IexmTX4

Be sure to blast this out to protect your new open storage decorative art loan from the Victoria and Albert Museum.

More generally, MC Hammer's U Can't Touch This, can be sampled through touch pads if visitors get close to your objects.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otCpCn0l4Wo

But museums have moved towards a more inclusive and, dare I say it, touching approach. What would be appropriate?

Open the doors to Diana Ross' Touch Me In The Morning

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxZRdxrP0Vo

If your museum have sleepovers, how about

Kathy Dennis Touch Me (All Night Long)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rPSQweDPmI

I think a more strident approach encouraging visitors to handle objects is needed in the early stages and many modern beat combos can instruct us to 'Touch'. Here is a small sample

The Supremes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXLUND2kCPA

Natasha Bedingfield

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOa4axPVHEc

Daft Punk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljQdZEMs31g

Shift K3Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KtYYHKEGDc

That should cover a range of tastes.

For the braver museum, how about asking visitors to actually handle your objects. What can you offer them aurally. Robyn's Handle Me is a good place to start

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4UHNhVSrEM

or Fleetwood Mac's Hold Me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAbfPDZdEBU

For the more anxious the Travelling Wilburys Handle With Care may offer an easy way in

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8s9dmuAKvU

Or Tori Amos' Precious Things

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Croz1_USr3U

What about tunes to avoid? Top of my list would be The Damned's Smash It Up

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux1Za8Wmz_s

Nick Lowe's I Love the Sound of Breaking Glass

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80A26-uo-CA

and the ultimate in cultural destructive nihilism, Joy Division, Atrocity Exhibition

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3suV4k7gF0


Listen, enjoy, relax, open up those cabinets and let the handling begin

The Museum of Tomorrow may actually be The Museum of Tomorrow

Source: http://museudoamanha.org.br/

Welcome to 'The Museum of Tomorrow'

"The Museum of Tomorrow is a different kind of science museum. A space conceived through the values of sustainability and conviviality that explores the ever-changing times we’re witnessing and the possible paths we may take during the next 50 years."*

 This new cultural organisation is in Rio de Janeiro and could be an intriguing stop off point for the masses of sports enthusiasts for this year's Olympic Games.

But is it a museum?

An initial review (from John Orna-Ornstein* no less) is very positive.  Here is his twitter review in full.

"Only one object, but @museudoamanha is thoughtful, beautiful, supremely relevant and rather brilliant."

I was drawn to his comment, '...only one object..'. In the museum world we have been working to a museum definition by our Museums Association since 1998.

'Museums enable people to explore collections for inspiration, learning and enjoyment. They are institutions that collect, safeguard and make accessible artefacts and specimens, which they hold in trust for society.' (my italics).

According to this definition a museum of one object is not a museum.

One object does not a collection make. If that is the case I have a second hand Ford Ka collection, all of which are in working order (just). But I am not the Working Museum of Second Hand Everyday Affordable City Cars.

So what is the difference?

The difference is the 'inspiration, learning and enjoyment' part of the MA definition and is pertinent to the remaining part of Orna-Ornstein's review.

As soon as we break from our 'collections' fetishism we release the shackles. If we think of artefacts and specimens as tools that may be used to inspire and not an end in themselves, all of a sudden we can have more enlightened disposal policies, more engagement with artefacts in the public domain (there are excellent examples out there) and develop the museum's outward focus on society rather than inward of collection conservation and management.

Furthermore Orna-Ornstein has identified an element of museum work that is implicit within the definition, but, in my view, should be explicit - relevance. Museums are about today (some forget that) and should be working hard for society now. It sounds like this new museum is trying to do just that.

Let us all work towards a less collections dependent definition of a museum that explicitly challenges us to be relevant to the society as it is now and will be in the future.

In which case Rio's Museum of Tomorrow, may actually be the museum of tomorrow.



* http://museudoamanha.org.br/en/welcome
**John Orna-Ornstein is Arts Council England's Director of Museums

Museum of Kevin Bacon

Given the ubiquity of Kevin Bacon memes around the world in internet land, I've been surprised and disappointed that he hasn't invaded popular museum culture. Never fear I'm here to redress the balance. Feel free to join in if you like.

Challenge: Replace one word in a museum or exhibition or gallery with the word 'Bacon'

Here's an simple start

Natural Bacon Museum

You see its easy - soon you be muttering things like Bacon Transport Museum in your sleep and then you'll graduate to more obscure ones like,

New Bedford Whaling Bacon 

and after a while they just come tumbling out

The Museum of Jurassic Bacon

The Victoria and Bacon Museum

Bacon Rivers Museum

Bacon Collar Museum

Museum of Mental Bacon

Museum of Baconcraft

Museum of Brands, Packaging and Bacon

The Museum of Bad Bacon

Museum of Medieval Torture Bacon

Museum of Vampires and Legendary Bacon

all with no mention of Harry Potter

These are just the museums, any temporary exhibitions that might be suitable for the 'Bacon' treatment?

Try it you might like it and be sure to send me your best suggestions

What Do Millennials Want from Museum Work?

The British Government has just published a new White Paper on Culture. One of the things it wants to encourage a debate about is the role of museums. At long last! Some will say. What is a museum? Is what others may say. My question is, what does the next generation think and do? Not just about museums, or culture, but work and life itself. So what will museums need to become?

A business survey published this May (2016) in the U.S.A. gave some interesting results*

Millennials expect flexible work arrangements

A great deal of work can be done any time from any location, which means the traditional 9-to-5 routine is becoming extinct. 95% of millennials want the option to at least occasionally work outside the office? Part of the museum staff problem is that not enough of them are on the exhibition floor and are in their offices. Lets get them out of there as much as we can. Getting them out of the museum entirely is probably a very healthy thing - even if it is only to visit other museums.

77% think flexible hours would make the workplace more productive.

This generation also values work-life balance over high salary positions (not usually a problem in museums)

A flexible work arrangement usually means ...
Employees are more productive
Organisations achieve greater employee satisfaction and less turnover
Emergencies are less of a problem (employees are equipped to work anywhere)
Organisations experience less sick employees and absenteeism
Organisations become more attractive to top talent
Can we do this in museums, can we rethink opening hours? Most visitors come between a 11am - 3pm window. What about weekends? Unless you are in a tourist hotspot, Mondays are very quiet. We can build in flexibility very easily.

Open Offices are Replacing Traditional Layouts

The future it seems is open plan and hot desks, cutting down operational costs. Apparently GlaxoSmithKline saves $10m p.a. through unassigned seating. If more people are off site, out of the office, working flexibly then why waste money on office space - it can free up more storage space for artefacts! Thus eliminating the UK museum storage crisis in one fell swoop. Or just cut costs, making museums more sustainable.

How to do it well? Here are some tips

Furnish your offices with moveable furniture that can be reconfigured so employees are able to work privately or collaboratively if needed. If you don't want to be near Janice and her unfortunate soup based habits pick up your work station and move it to a toilet cubicle.

Do away with assigned seating and offer seating alternatives like standing desks, yoga ball seats and sofa/lounge areas so employees have several options and the ability to move around throughout the day. I think yoga balls could attract younger volunteers to museums and produce a steady stream of older volunteers to hospital accident and emergency departments.

Create think spaces, meditation spots, or private areas where staff and volunteers can go to make private phone calls, have meetings or work in peace.

Create collaboration areas specifically for group meetings away from the main open space so as not to disrupt others.

The Internet of Things (IoT) Will Rule Everything

This is possibly the biggest influencer of change since the Internet (or in the case of museums, since the quill pen was replaced by the fountain pen). That's because it's now possible for "smart" electronic devices to automatically communicate with one another without any human-to-computer interaction.

With the right management software to govern all this automation, museum managers are in for a real treat:

You will be equipped to track the location and utilisation of every item, computer, mobile device, piece of equipment and room in your building.

All connected devices are sharing information, which means big data can be collected and analysed in real time to track and monitor behaviours, and identify ways to increase efficiency while lowering cost.

Will your museum become a "Smart building" equipped with IoT-capable light fixtures, smart utilities and advanced management software will make predictive maintenance a reality.

Are you ready for the future? The museum that will survive and thrive in the years to come will be those that adopt these trends early and embrace their limitless possibilities.

While the next generations catch a lot of flack for their unconventional work ethics, they also bring fresh and exciting perspectives to our sector.


And it's their vision that will ultimately reshape the museum of the future.







*Inc Magazine http://www.inc.com/elizabeth-dukes/what-95-of-millennials-want-and-other-trends-you-need-to-know.html

Everyday, Anyday and Forever

Some of you may recognise this lady. She was born in 1746 and her name was Hannah Stilley. She is thought to be the oldest person ever caught on camera. The photograph was take in 1840 and she was to die shortly after.

To put her age into context she was born in the year of the Battle of Culloden, when the final Jacobite hopes of returning the Stuart dynasty to the British throne were crushed. The year that Samuel Johnson began to write his Dictionary of the English Language and the great painter Fransisco Goya was born.

So what.

She is an unremarkable person, who lived an unremarkable life and who just happened to be old when a new method of recording images was discovered (although the first photograph was taken in 1827, Louis Daguerrre developed the quicker, clearer process in 1837).

What I am saying is that she is a product of the randomness of events, but her story can serve as a way into history. History isn't a technical, factual process  - it is the story of people, individually or together who shape events, witness events, or have them effect their lives.

So what.

So - this can be the great strength of local museums. The many of the small towns of Britain haven''t shaped great events or witnessed great events, but have had their lives effected by change, have witnessed small events that can tell a story of greater things (e.g. industrial revolution). But collecting the past is easy, the events are known and the collecting can be focussed.

What is more difficult is collecting the 'now' for the future. In another 100 years what will museums have to tell the story of 'now'. There is so much to chose from, so much is offered - where do we start?

I have blogged before about the problems of collecting in a globalised and digital world. In a globalised, digital world, what is local? What is local is the population, the stories they can tell. In my town that story is as much Polish and Lithuanian, even though the clothes they wear and the 'phones they use are the same the world over. And our stores are full so we cant collect much anyway.

The answer is actually digital. Collect the stories. Collect the oral history. Collect the photographs. Make that part of what a museum does everyday. Then in 150 years an ordinary person can tell an ordinary story.

I am an extraordinary person, although the rest of the world doesn't realise it. But let me tell you it.

I was born just in time for the Cuban Mile Crisis, I went to infants school the year England Won the World Cup (that will never happen again and the sooner we realise it the better, so that we can learn to live with the disappointment). I was kept back a year in school the year man landed on the Moon. My junior school years coincided with the oil crisis, miners strike and the 3 day week. I went to secondary school the year Richard Nixon resigned because of the Watergate standard (little were we to know that we could then add the suffix -gate to something to indicate a scandal - thus the English language continues to grow).
And so it goes on:
I was in Liverpool when John Lennon was killed
I never believed the Berlin Wall could fall in my lifetime
I saw a 23 year old Kenneth Branagh perform Henry V at the RSC
I saw the events of 9/11 unfold live on TV
I voted in the election that resulted in the first coalition government since 1945.

And my story is as special and unique as 7 billion others on this planet

If we do nothing to personalise, collect and conserve at least some of these lives, to quote Roy Batty Bladerunner,

"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears...in...rain"

Thus in 2150 the grainy image of Frank Rason will stare back at some tyro curator who will be saying either, "who was this?" or ,"he's got a lot to answer for!" Whatever they say, I will have a story to tell about my time - everyday, any day and forever.

Museums - there's a word for it (part 2)

Last week I explored the meaning of new words that have been officially recognised by the Oxford Dictionary people. So in this blog I want to campaign for new additions to the dictionary of words that should, could and would be used in museums

Axcess - the murderous feeling engendered by being forced to let in non-traditional audiences to your museum

Curationation - the fashionable concept letting anyone who walks through the door to curate your next exhibition

Disposunable - the inability to get rid of unwanted objects from the collection due to outdated ethics considerations

Exhibosauricy - the demand from management that every new exhibition should include at least one dinosaur

Fundaymental - the state of mind of the education officer after running a week of family friendly  activities during the summer holidays

Grantliness - the reputation a museum has for exploiting grant funds to the max

Heritrage - righteous anger that another piece of the past is lost due to under-resourcing

Inflacollation - unsustainable museum collection policy

Storemforce - the unshakeable optimism by the curator that he/she will fit the new acquisition into the already overcrowded museum store

Voluntairasis - the incurable spread of volunteer dependent activity throughout the museum

Zoomoos - museums with a significant natural history collection

Unsustainable Growth in Collections - there's a word for it

The Oxford Dictionary Online is a store of over 600,000 words AND GROWING. Despite this large collection, they continue to bring new words into the store, and only a small proportion of these words go on display as they revise their dictionaries. As with museum collections, this growth is unsustainable, we must get rid of some words. For example getting rid of 'yes' will save me a lot of work and 'open' causes me a lot of trouble as well. However that is not the main theme of this blog. As with any museum our collections acquisition policy needs to be relevant and up to date. So here are some more recent additions to the Oxford dictionary store with their official (and museum) definitions.

1. Bling (n): Expensive, ostentatious clothing and jewellery usually the result of an excessive Heritage Lottery Grant for a museum.

2. Chillax (v): Calm down and relax. Usually needed after a KS2 visit from the local inner city school to your museum
*
3. Crunk (adj): Very excited or full of energy. The KS2 visitors.
*
4. D'oh (ex): Exclamation used to comment on a foolish or stupid action, especially one’s own. In reaction to allowing the KS2 school to visit.
*
5. Droolworthy (adj): Extremely attractive or desirable. A common reaction to the latest Arts Council grant announcements
*
6. Frankenfood (n): Genetically modified food. Usually sold in volunteer run museum cafes.
*
7. Hater (n): A person who greatly dislikes a specified person or thing. a.k.a. Customer Services Manager
*
8. Illiterati (n): People who are not well educated or well informed about a particular subject or sphere of activity. a.k.a museum exhibition consultants
*
14. La-la Land (n): A fanciful state or dream world. Also, Los Angeles or any museum staff room
*
15. Muggle (n): A person who is not conversant with a particular activity or skill. (see 8)
*
16. Noob (n): A person who is inexperienced in a particular sphere or activity, especially computing or the use of the Internet. The average museum staff member, or volunteer
*
17. Obvs (adv): Obviously. If you want complaints, use this in your latest exhibition interpretation
*
18. OMG (ex): Used to express surprise, excitement, or disbelief. (Dates back to 1917.) but also means Out of Museum Grants
*
19. Textspeak (n): Language regarded as characteristic of text messages, consisting of abbreviations, acronyms, initials, emoticons. (wut hpns win u write lyk dis.) (see 17)
*
20. Truthiness (n): the quality of seeming or being felt to be true, even if not necessarily true. The average museum exhibition.
*
35. Woot (ex): (Especially in electronic communication) Used to express elation, enthusiasm, or triumph. Rarely, if ever used in museums.

Born yesterday - 7th May - Josep Tito - mini blog

Marshal, Josep Tito was President of Yugoslavia from 1943 to 1980. Early in his presidency he wrote
in the Liberation magazine* title 'Our Optimism and Faith'. He was reflecting on the recently ended WWII, but he may as well have been referring to museums, and with the magic of the blog and some less than subtle editing it turns out he was.


"Our sacrifices are terrible. I can safely say that there is no other part of the cultural offer which has been devastated on a vaster scale than museums. Every tenth museum could perish in this struggle in which we are forced to make savings for our politicians; curators will freeze without clothing and die without medication.

Nevertheless our optimism and faith have proved justified. The greatest gain of this conflict between austerity and culture lies in the fact that it has drawn together everything that was good in humanity. The unity of the museums, galleries and heritage sites is the best guarantee to the peoples of the world that the mistakes of the past will never again be repeated."


*Page 3, United Committee of South-Slavonic Americans, 1945

Don Quixote on Museums - are we tilting at windmills?

Don Quixote is Cervantes' masterpiece of folly published in 1605 (with a follow up 10 years later). Therefore absolutely appropriate research material for any museum professional. I have distilled the Don's relevant sagacity to save you lot doing it. Read, enjoy and learn. 
Author's changes have been placed in italics.

Exhibitions

“The truth may be stretched thin, but it never breaks, and it always surfaces above lies, as oil floats on water.”

“There is no exhibition so bad...that it does not have something good in it.”

“So it isn’t the masses who are to blame for demanding rubbish, but rather those who aren’t capable of providing them with anything else.”

Interpretive philosophy

“... truth, whose mother is history, who is the rival of time, depository of deeds, witness of the past, example and lesson to the present, and warning to the future.”

Museum Manager

“Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.”

“... he who's down one day can be up the next, unless he really wants to stay in bed, that is...”

“Truly I was born to be an example of misfortune, and a target at which the arrows of adversary are aimed.”

“Fortune always leaves a door open in adversity in order to bring relief to it,”

Museum Cutbacks

"Thou hast seen nothing yet.”

Museum Forward Plans

“When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams — this may be madness. Too much sanity may be madness — and maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”

Think Long-term

“For neither good nor evil can last for ever; and so it follows that as evil has lasted a long time, good must now be close at hand.”

“Fortune always leaves a door open in adversity in order to bring relief to it,”

Writing object labels 

“It is one thing to write as poet and another to write as a historian: the poet can recount or sing about things not as they were, but as they should have been, and the historian must write about them not as they should have been, but as they were, without adding or subtracting anything from the truth.”

Desperate measures to increase income?

“Your grace, come back, Senor Don Quixote, I swear to God you're charging sheep !”

Dealing with senior management

“I’m a peaceful, mild, and quiet man, and I know how to conceal any insult because I have a wife and children to support and care for.”

Career choices

“What is more dangerous than to become a curator? Which is, as some say, an incurable and infectious disease.”

Finally...

Quickly improve staff morale

“I want you to see me naked and performing one or two dozen mad acts, which will take me less than half an hour.."

Born this day - 30th April - Alice B. Toklas - mini blog

Born in 1877, Alice B. Toklas is probably most famous for being the partner of Gertrude Stein and the the subject of The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas actually written by Stein. Her own most famous work is in fact a cook book, which included the recipe for hash brownies.

So what about museums, you may ask?

Is constructing a menu, a bit like pulling together an interpretive plan? Of course it is, so what did Toklas say.

“In the exhibition, there should be a climax and a culmination. Come to it gently. One will suffice.”

Sage words Alice B. Toklas

I decline to accept the end of museums

On 10th December 1950 in Stockholm, Sweden a modest writer called William Faulkner was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. He accepted it during the dark days following the Soviet acquisition of the nuclear bomb and the very future of civilisation seemed under threat. Move forward 66 years and the pessimists are talking of the death of museums. I disagree strongly with this view. Read (or listen to) the Faulkner speech, apply it to museums and the argument for optimism still holds up. This can be simply because museums are an intrinsic part of human civilisation. To lose them would be part of the loss of self. The speech can also be read as an emphasis on the link of museums with the broader cultural and artistic community. Unwittingly he has hit upon one of the secrets of sustainability that Arts Council England are very keen on. i.e. working with artists.

I have taken an reinterpreted excerpt from the speech. I hope it will inspire you as it did me.

"I decline to accept the end of museums. It is easy enough to say that museums are immortal because they will endure: that when the last ding-dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last worthless rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will still be one more sound: that of museums puny inexhaustible voice, still talking. I refuse to accept this. I believe that museums will not merely endure: they will prevail. They are immortal, not because they alone among cultural organisations have an inexhaustible voice, but because they have a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and engagement and endurance. The poet’s, the writer’s, duty is to write about these things. It is his privilege to help museums endure by lifting their hearts, by reminding them of their collections and activities and hope and pride and compassion and love and sacrifice which have been the glory of humanity's past. The poet’s voice need not merely be the record of museums, it can be one of the props, the pillars to help them endure and prevail."

William Faulkner 1919 - 1962 

What did Einstein think of museums?

The greatest mind of the 20th Century wasn't a renowned museum visitor. But if you examine some of Albert Einstein's quotes, you get the sense he actually longed to be a museum manager. For example did you know his famous equation E=MC2 actually stands for,


Engagement = Museum x Customer Care 2


Think about that for a minute and the power of the equation and why it makes sense becomes apparent. They only gave him the nobel prize for physics because there isn't one for museums...yet.


What about some of his more famous quotes?

With some slight amendments, they become incredibly perceptive insights into museums.

Two things are infinite: the universe and museum collections; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Interpretation without collections is lame, collections without interpretation is blind.

The most beautiful museum we can experience is the mysterious one. It is the source of all true art and science.

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough to write an interpretation panel.

Museums: logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.

Insanity: doing the same exhibition topic over and over again and expecting a different audience.

There are only two ways to manage your museum. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Great curators have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre managers.

Every exhibition should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Museum sustainability is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Albert, we salute you!