Guarantee yourself 'Major Grant' funding

This week has seen much excitement at the higher echelons of the museum world in England. The Arts Council will take over funding of museums from 1st October and they have announced the criteria for major museum grants. Excited conversations are taking place behind closed doors and the usual toilet reading matter of the Beano and/or Jackie has been temporarily replaced by the newly published 'Culture, knowledge and understanding; great museums and libraries for everyone' (like the Beano but without the pictures or insight).

To save everyone the trouble I give you the cloudy guide to a successful major grant bid.

Firstly don't waste time, are you a big museum service? There are lots of measurements for this, don't worry about looking these up, just ask the next visitor that comes through the door, and if they emit an involuntary laugh you are not a big service and you should stop worrying now. If you really want more disappointment ring up the head of the nearest large museum and ask if they will consider you as part of a consortium bid, they will also emit an involuntary laugh before putting the phone down on you.

So you've passed the mirth test, that means your visitors are serious, therefore you are a proper museum and you will be expected to bid.

The Arts Council has 5 goals and you are only expected to match 2
1. Excellence
2. Audiences
3. Resilience
4. Leadership
5. Children

You will put in a good application so you will cover all 5.
1. Excellence - use the word 'quality' in every other sentence, interspersed with 'standards'. Use the phrase 'quality standards' every paragraph. For example, 'the recent sacking of all our curators has enabled us to reach new quality standards of collection care'.
2. Audiences - (just to remind you, these are the people who get in the way of you doing your job properly) - this time use 'diversity' in every sentence (twice if you can manage it) with the word 'engagement' liberally scattered throughout. For example, 'the incredible diversity of our audience is so diverse that our engagement with them has been incredibly engaging'. 
3. Resilience - in other words say you are not going out of business. This is a lie. Every museum is financially unsound with unrealistic budgets. You avoid this tricky problem by immediately sacking the accountant and shredding the business plan. Point out that all the other museums are lying and pick holes in their business plans whilst say you've made large cuts in none essential services that the others have failed to do. (It may be advisable to keep a small cash kitty hidden, just in case the plan backfires and you need to go on a sudden holiday to Bolivia).
4. Leadership - now play the 'partnership' card, firstly refuse offers from other museums to create and consortium (see above, be sure to laugh). Then put in words like 'disseminate', 'support' and 'develop' for the miserable little museums that clutter up your region. Not being part of the bid they cannot contradict any of this.
5. Children - time to announce the clincher - free museum object with every McDonald's Happy Meal

Millions of £££ will now be winging its way to your museum. You will now have 3 years to come up with excuses, or find a new career.