10 Reasons NOT To Visit A Museum

1. Free entry to museums makes you feel sad

The Government (and opposition) have been at pains to highlight their commitment to free entry to national museums. However, a survey conducted by Harris Interactive finds that people are happier when they spend money on experiences. This research, to my mind, erroneously compares the spend on experiences relative to material purchases thereby completely missing the point. Museums in recent years have been at pains to give visitors an 'experience' at the same time missing out on the other key factor in the visitors' psychology - an entrance fee. A payment creates the expectation of quality. Free entry creates an expectation equivalent to a free toy in a cereal packet - briefly interesting but ultimately pointless. Thus a visitor leaving the museum with a memory of pointlessness begins the long journey through existential angst towards depression and a miserable death. Museums! Make society really happy - overcharge.

2. Museums make you less intelligent

One of the definitions of a museum is its mission to educate. Schools are heavily dependent on museums to support 'lazy and overpaid teachers'* to deliver on the National Curriculum.  For example, how many museums are now jumping on the 'British Values' bandwagon?  Thus the modern concentration on interpretation for spotty self-obsessed thirteen year olds, or strange smelling feral eight year olds is self defeating. After the 'well good' experience at the museum the interested parent may ask the child about it the inevitable response is 'Uh?'. For modern children, long term recall can be measured in terms a goldfish would understand.  For the rest of us (adults) trying to visit it is becoming nearly impossible to experience an exhibition and gain any information or insight amongst the hordes of hormones and sticky fingers other than, 'Oliver Cromwell? Ugh - warty dude innit!'.

3. Museums are an ineffective way of learning

You want to know about something? Do not force your miserable family into the car, spend a fortune on petrol, succumb to the inevitable demand for sweets, listen to incessant cries of 'are we there yet?' and 'can't we go to Alton Towers?', be unable to find somewhere to park, then pay a fortune for it before you even get to the museum. Eventually you find the museum only to discover all the information it has about the Romans consists of a 100 word text panel, a broken interactive, an unconvincingly dressed tailor's dummy and 5 bits of broken pottery.

Do you really want to learn about something? Read a book! I'm sorry I forgot, libraries no longer exist and book shops are going the way of the dodo, so log on to wikipedia instead! 

4. Museums are cult forming

Museums are no longer about collections of artefacts; they now allow you to give your opinion, enable you to meet strangers, have 'experiences', they encourage discussion and personal reflection as a part of your journey towards entry into the museum's 'community'. If I want to do that I'll join the Moonies. If I want to go to yoga, I'll go to the gym. If I want have an art class I'll go to the local community college. I go to a museum to see things - unfortunately nowadays that will be because the local magic mushroom festival is going on in the main exhibition hall. All this is being done because they want you and all your worldly goods? Cultish activity? You bet. We do not want to get to a situation where parents are forced into a desperate bid to rescue their daughter from the clutches of the local history museum, but that is the inevitable conclusion for all this 'community' activity.

5. Museums dishearten

Apparently museums are places of inspiration and the personal memories created are for life. These are regarded as positive traits. But if the inspiration created is to never visit a museum again, or equate the visit to another memory you will never forget (such as a car crash, your divorce, or the death of a pet - take your pick) then it may not be quite so good. However if they do this then it will leave the spaces free for those of us who still want to see objects.

6. There are a lot better places to go for social interaction

Research shows that social engagement is more about location than activity. Museums delude themselves into believing their building is an inspiring social space. But what personal memories will be created by a leaking roof, peeling interpretation panels, empty display cases with yellowing cards which read, 'this object has been temporarily removed for conservation' and is dated 1st April 1974. Would you like to meet in a place like this? Or a swanky hotel? Or a cosy tearoom? Or at least somewhere where you can get a decent cup of coffee. Nowadays you can get a really good cup of coffee at a petrol station. Museum managers need to ask themselves whether they are doing a good job if potential visitors would rather meet in a motorway service station than their museum. 

7. Museums are a place of torture for family and friends

What shall we do with Aunty Nellie? She always comes to visit this time of year. The kids hate her and she is always criticising your cooking. How can we get our own back? I know - take her to our local museum and point out all stuff in it that she still has in her house. Do you want to break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend? I know - take him/her to your local museum and pretend to really enjoy it.

Key tips for really effective torture

1. read everything

2. talk to the room steward and ask them to tell them everything they know about a particular object

3. continually ask if its alright to take photos

4. near the end mention that you think you've missed something in the first gallery that you really want to see

5. insist on buying them the gimmicky pencil and rubber set in the shop

You have been warned. If a relative suggests you visit the local museum on your next visit -don't do it.

8. Museums lack ethics

The recent MA warning about the ethics of sponsorship is timely. Companies realise that association with a museum can get them some good PR. Sadly it is only the dodgy companies that need PR (BP for instance). Even sadder, if a company approaches a museum for sponsorship a museum will probably accept it because when there is a conflict between money and ethics, money wins every time.  Avoid any of the following museums

Customer Care sponsored by Ryanair

Entrance tariffs sponsored by NPower 

WiFi sponsored by Talk Talk

Shop sponsored by TkMaxx

Exhibitions sponsored by Poundland

Need I go on?

9. Museums are only interested in your money

I've covered the psychology of free admission earlier. But the further problem is that there is no such thing as a free lunch. They will fleece you the moment you walk through the door (earlier if they can charge you for parking). Firstly you will be accosted by the least charming volunteer (probably a relative of the Kray twins) who will 'suggest' a donation, the guidebook will be extra, the kids trail will be extra, the audio tour will require a deposit (and possibly a sample of blood). They will take a photo of you and 'suggest' you buy it. The temporary exhibition will not be free. The Dr. Who Dinosaur flight simulator in the ethnographic gallery will be eye-wateringly expensive. Exhausted and impoverished you will inevitably exit through the gift shop where  our children will remove the last of your cash and the twin brother of the 'donation' volunteer will promote a membership card so you can be fleeced on a regular basis. 

10. There is always a museum near you - aargh! Run

There are about 2,500 museums in the UK, not including various private collections, heritage centres, private homes, castles, church collections etc. etc. etc. All this means you are never more than 18 feet from a museum. To put that into perspective, statistically in any urban area you are likely to be164 feet from a rat. That means you are nine times more likely to be closer to a museum than a rat. Rats are vermin and need to be wiped out. Well, museums are even more of a problem and the population needs to be controlled. Fortunately for us the British Government is taking practical steps to reduce the museum numbers, starting with the more dangerous ones up north. 

*Trade Mark: British Government (att. Michael Gove) 2013