Museum staff feel so downtrodden nowadays that they sometimes think there is a conspiracy against them. However, as repositories and purveyors of truth we know that we can have no time for such nonsense. So in order cheer up museum staff and volunteers, I thought I would document and analyse conspiracy theories that WON'T forming part of a museum exhibition near you anytime soon.
President Obama is an Alien
Can we believe it - yes we can!
Apparently President Obama isn't popular with some of his constituency. We have known for sometime that he is a Kenyan Muslim who killed his grandmother to cover it up who is out to tax you out of existence, take your guns, your jobs and swamp you in illegal immigrants. Ho hum, so far so run of the mill for a leader in a democratic country that thinks creationism is science and and that Fox News is a reputable journalistic organisation.
But this all makes sense when you realise he is an alien. Why are the circumstances of his birth so difficult to pin down? Why does the way he tilts his head remind you of a lizard? And the way he speaks - does any human speak that way normally? Why does he want so much power over his citizens. Obamacare is just his way of trying to keep the population healthy in order to farm their organs for his nefarious alien purposes. Rumours that he has ordered 200 copies of Erich Von Daniken's Chariots of the Gods for his Presidential Library are true!
As the theory develops monitor it all on www.obamaisanalien.com
I just hope the Roswell UFO Museum won't video his autopsy when his spirit is transported back to planet OBAM.
Fortunately we will be getting the much more human Donald Trump as the leader of the free world this year.
Dinosaurs Built the Pyramids
This thesis depends on taking the Christian view that dinosaurs and humans existed at the same time.
Accept that, then it becomes obvious that they would put them to use to help build the pyramids.
Think of the Flintstones and you won't go far wrong (I didn't realise The Flintstones cartoon was fundamentalist Christian propaganda either).
Now we all know the planet is only 6000 years old (although I suspect I have clothes in my wardrobe that are older) and that the book of Isaiah does mention dragons*, which means 'How to Train Your Dragon' is another documentary. Just think of the eggs for breakfast!
This dinosaur theory comes out of the Accelerated Christian Academy in Malta. This august body sounds like a place of great educational excitement. Slightly disappointingly this theory isn't actually taught as fact, but is only the personal view of Vince Fenech, the director of the Academy. But he does have proof the world was created in 40004B.C. It's good to know young minds are in safe hands.
Should you send your children there?
Yabba Dabba Don't!
The Moon Doesn't Exist
Now we all know that the moon landings were faked, and we now know they must have been faked because the moon itself doesn't exist according to this theory. The moon is in fact a hologram. The truth is available to us all on You Tube (that well known peer reviewed digital science journal).
I've linked to one of the videos that shows the convincing evidence
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3axPn65MGM
The difference is that this conspiracy theorist believes the moon exists, but is being covered by a hologram to hide the construction work that is going on there. He is clearly an idiot, of course the moon doesn't exist, because it sometimes disappears (for maintenance? Changing the bulb?) then reappears gradually.
Scientifically there are obvious reasons why the moon isn't real. For example how can such a large and heavy piece of cheese be trapped in the Earth's gravitational pull without coming crashing down, melting as it enters the atmosphere and turning the Earth into a large ball of fondue?
Where Did The Time Go?
We've all had that feeling.
However, what you didn't know is that we've actually lost 300 years. Apparently the years 641 to 911 never happened. It was first realised by a splendidly named Heribert Illig a German historian. It occurred when we changed from the Julian calendar (in use from 45BC) to the Gregorian one in 1582. The Gregorian calendar was designed to correct for a ten-day discrepancy caused by the fact that the Julian year was 10.8 minutes too long. But the 1,627 years which had passed since the Julian calendar started should have accrued a thirteen-day discrepancy… a ten-day error would have only taken 1,257 years. Those three days equates to about 300 years.
The reason for this was a conspiracy between the Holy Roman Emperor, Otto III and Pope Sylvester II. They manipulated the calendar so that they could rule in the year epochal year of 1,000. It seems like a lot of effort for little return. However, it would be obvious that the missing years would be known as the Dark Ages (it also sounds like good subject for a Dr. Who episode). That is why there is little surviving evidence from the period and apparently what there is is actually forged - Charlemagne and the Prophet Mohammed never existed.
Boring individuals might suggest he got his sums wrong as the calendars were synchronised from the date of the Council of Nicaea in 325AD. What nonsense!
I'm convinced and I now know why is there no archaeological evidence of the wiping out of the Briton population. So I will be removing our Anglo-Saxon display - and replacing our 1066 diorama so that William the Conquerer defeats the Romans.
* "Was it not You who cut Rahab in pieces, Who pierced the dragon?" Isaiah 51:9
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