Did the title get your attention?
I tweeted my comprehensive review of the conference on 14th November, so in this blog I want to concentrate on a conference phenomenon I have become increasingly aware of over time. Namely 'nationals bashing' the fine art of criticising our national museums at each and every opportunity (at this point the conference organiser Sharon Heal breathes a big sigh of relief).
It is there, subtly, blatantly, snidely; in keynotes, workshops and practice sessions; at lunchtimes, coffee breaks and network sessions. If the subject of 'the nationals' comes up criticism is not far behind. 'They get all the money', 'they won't work with the smaller museums', 'philanthropy all goes their way', 'DCMS is only interested in the nationals', 'they couldn't care less about us' ad nauseam. This is then backed up by figures trotted out about Londoncentric funding etc. Has it not occurred to anyone that if you put the sector's best people with the best collections in the biggest city(ies) you are going to get inequality... of excellence.
Yet the nationals can't hit back and state the bleeding obvious to the rest of us. This is because they represent and are symbolic of our nation. I now need to narrow down my hypothesis. Last year in Scotland the talk around 'national' was dominated by 'nationalism' and the 'Scottish question'. I imagine a different dynamic next year in Wales, but in England there is no National Museum of England and England is the subject from now on.
The strong cannot criticise the weak, the wealthy the poor, the best collection the worst collection. It comes across as arrogance and panders to the very perception that you are being criticised for. The obvious comparison to draw is that of the arch criminal in a Hollywood blockbuster movie. The criminal is well educated, refined, wealthy, speaks with received pronunciation and is usually to be found in his (v. rarely her) lair surrounded by priceless artefacts exhibiting taste and culture. In other words the very epitome of a national museum director. Added to that is the scheming, the ruthlessness, the sacrifice of everything and everybody for personal gain - again the very epitome of a national museum director. The iconic archetype is Alan Rickman in Die Hard (1988) - the clues are all there that he is a museum director. The film makers try to throw you off the scent by calling him Hans Gruber - 'grubby hands?' as in 'get your grubby hands off my collection' - the message could not be more obvious. And what does Hans Gruber do? He seems to be able to fund a well staffed and well equipped army of combat curators determined to get private sector sponsorship and if not then to stop at nothing to take the money anyway.
Only the downtrodden underfunded small regional independent McLane Teddy Bear Museum is there to stop him - in other words a cowboy playing at being a museum. So how does Hollywood solve the problem and create a Leninist museum utopia of equality? Answer - throw the museum director off the top of a very tall building.
Now I am not advocating that we find the tallest building in Cardiff next year and start chucking the directors off the top (although I would quite like to throw Sandy Nairne, the Director of the National Portrait Gallery, off simply because half way down I think he will unfurl his bat wings and soar skywards laughing manically - or is it just me that thinks that?).
Can I make a pitch now to the MA for my talk next year's conference, 'The Die Hard Effect: how Hollywood is to blame for the poor staff morale in UK museums.'
The solution is to simply work through and then beyond these perceptions at the beginning of the conference. We should literally pillory any and all members of staff from a national museum (I am sure there are plenty of regional museums willing to lend them). The short term satisfaction of throwing rotten vegetables at David Roth shouting, "Yippee-ki-yay V&A!" is soon assuaged and proper English guilt will kick in and numerous apologies exchanged. The resulting dialogue over a cup of tea will commence and an understanding will soon emerge that we are all in the same boat working towards the same purpose to make the world a more educated and cultured place for the future of mankind.
And if that doesn't work we can still throw them off a tall building.
Make 2014 'Love our nationals' year - the campaign starts now.
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