The Cult of the East Midlands: a museum manifesto of madness

What is the definition of a cult?

One definition is, "A relatively small group of people having beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister." Read it here first - the museums of the East Midlands have formed a cult and the rest of the heritage world needs to be afraid, very afraid.

I sneaked into their Regional Heritage Conference in Nottingham this week to commence my lunchtime CRUMB protest of non-cooperation (see previous blog) against their relentless desecration of our nation's beautiful legacy of car parks.

It was with relief that the introduction to the themes of the conference did not include a car park eradication policy, but I had a growing sense of unease with their 'stronger together' message. The opening speaker exhorted us all into greater ambition through partnerships (what?!?). I then find not only the speakers from large local authority services, but also small independents and strategic bodies all encouraging each other and sinisterly agreeing amongst themselves. This is not natural. The natural order of things is for strategic bodies to look down on the undeserving services who, in turn ignore the independent museums and for the independents themselves to resent the resources of the big services and who feel excluded from funding streams. It is this spirit of mutual resentment which inhibits ambition and stifles change - the very bedrock of heritage preservation. Who knows what damage can occur when organisations actually help each other?

I consoled myself with the prospect of attending their regional awards that evening. Awards ceremonies are a guarantee resentment and backbiting (Titanic anyone?). A sobering antidote to any utopian fantasies that might be brewing. But what is this? The winner of the main award was actually voted for by other museums. They are actually helping each other win awards! I cried and fled the room.

I woke the next morning hoping it had all been a bad dream, but even worse was to follow. The second day began with the launch of an 'Innovation in Museum Display' initiative which will financially help museums embed the active participation of their audiences with their exhibitions. This was greeted with great enthusiasm. 

The horror! The horror! 

Do these people not understand we have spent years actively discouraging any form of participation by the great unwashed outside our front doors. I tried to stand and decry this folly but my legs gave way under me as I was swamped by the religious fervour. I was painfully reminded of the Anderson report on Scientology (which I've amended appropriately for 21st century museums), 

"The Board is not concerned to find that the scientology [audience engagement] techniques are brainwashing techniques as practiced, so it is understood, in some communist-controlled countries. Scientology [Modern museum] techniques are, nevertheless, a kind of brainwashing..." 

A cult is forming.

The rest of the day was a nightmare vision of co-operation and understanding. The workshops were actually practical! A theatre group, an independent museum and a university combined to tackle management training in museums. A consultant explained different cultural concepts of heritage impacting on interpretation (he didn't seem to be paid to do this - in fact he was paying!) what sort of world is it when a museum consultant doesn't just fleece you and run? Is that the kind of world you want to live in?

The final straw came when the organisers actually solicited views for the future strategic direction of the region. They not only listened but it seemed to directly lead to some actual policy direction. Noooo!!

If the attendees had not been forced to go home I'm sure they would still be there now being nice to each other. It even infected those from outside caught up in the madness - saying things like,"I wish we had something like this in our region." I stumbled out in tears, my world shattered. I vowed never to go back there ever again. They can rip up all the car parks they like in the name of heritage - I just don't care anymore.. I console myself that this is only a small number of people doing these sinister things - it is just a cult at the moment but is it the thin end of the wedge?. There may be others out there (I wouldn't put it past the Americans to be up to this sort of participatory nonsense), but don't let it spread.

Let it remain, a relatively small group of people having beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister.

We owe it to future generations to preserve exhibition elitism and mutual distrust.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Manifesto for Museums in the 21st Century: participation, participation, participation

What are the three most the important factors in selling your house? Location, location location.
What were the three most important policies of the Tony Blair New Labour administration? Education, education, education.
When visiting Scotland for a holiday what are the three things you most remember? Precipitation, precipitation, precipitation.

Given that we are all thinking about the future of museums and the MA may claim to have 20:20 vision in this respect. The Museum of Unreason Manifesto defines what are actually the three most important things for museums in the 21st century.They are: participation, participation, participation.

BUT, and I believe this is where our profession has gone badly wrong, not participation in the way we have seen it applied recently. We took a wrong turn at the turn of the century when there was a 'Renaissance'. We subsequently wasted £200m on museum access projects for the great unwashed to try and make ourselves relevant. How much more money do we need to spend before we realise that at the end of the first decade its just the same deluded people who continue to visit us. I would compare Renaissance approach to the 'war on drugs' an un-winnable waste of money. The big mistake was to give us the money. We should have given it to non-users to spend on museums.   What a different museum sector that would have given us by 2012. Can we still achieve this in a post Renaissance world?

Given that we are still proudly irrelevant and elitist, happily sacking education staff rather than curators. Money is not coming to us (except to the 'excellent' few) and will never do so again. What is now the prime responsibility of a museum manager? To have fun and engage with non-professionals to create an environment of enjoyable learning that is relevant to modern society? No no no - our prime duty now is to preserve the past, ignore the present and forget about the future.

The constant cry of 'put more collections on show' is wrong. Put less collections on show. 90% of collections are in store being carefully preserved, it should be 100%. Objects should only be brought out upon request (in triplicate) by people who can prove that they will appreciate, understand and learn from them. Most people don't know about them, don't care about them and, if given the chance, will break them.

Access policies? Ban them. Disposal policies? Ban them. Collect, collect, collect. If its old put it in store. Industrial decline = empty warehouses = new museum stores.

You may be asking, what has that to do with participation?

By following this simple strategic approach, museums will empty themselves of 'professionals' and the lifeless clutter of objects. Instead we will create real 'warehouses of the past' lovingly cared for by professional curators in perpetuity. The money saved will then be given to non-users who can then use the empty museums for all the fun and uneducated activity that they want. At a stroke the past is much better preserved and museums become instantly relevant to 21st century society.

Participation, participation, participation? Be true to the idea!