An Impassioned Plea

Some of you may be aware that the Museums Association have put a call out for papers for their annual conference. I've offered myself again this year to be a keynote speaker to give an impassioned plea on behalf of our museums. I intend to outline a convincing argument for museum managers justifying their existence when faced with budget cuts, an uncaring public and years of mocking from school friends who have proper careers.

Given that the MA seemed to have mislaid my conference suggestions for the past 5 years running I thought I would share my first draft with you all anyway.

"Dear colleagues, friends and admirers I am here to tell you that we can't let museums die!
We support a great heritage and we can't let it die just because nobody cares.

What we must remember is that our people don't go to museums; BUT they feel better, happier and more comforted knowing that we are here. Museums exist so that we can make the general public feel part of a civilised nation. Museums are symbols of who and what we are. The authorities don't really fund them to engage communities, provide education or outreach. They are funded to show the rest of the world that we have a history worth preserving; a history worth telling in paragraphs of 50 words or fewer on interpretation boards; a history worth hiding within a broken interactive that the Heritage Lottery Fund paid a fortune for. That is what makes us great.

A nation to compare us with, and I'm picking a country at random, is France. They have recently abandoned their 'Museum of France' (no sniggering at the back) as it would be too divisive. Too divisive! That shows they have no real understanding of national heritage. Why do you think the 'British Museum' is full of other people's stuff. We don't have problems, other nations have problems, and it is important for us to showcase that. The logical conclusion to draw is that other nations are too ridden with conflict and far too unappreciative of the game of cricket to deserve their own past. And a people without a national museum are nobody, were nobody, will be nobody. So the French don't get it. They should create the 'Museum of everywhere but France' and tourists will flock to it and thus it becomes one of the greatest museums in the world. That is why 75% of the visitors to the British Museum are tourists. They have come to see their history, not ours, but importantly it's their history in our museum therefore we are the great nation. To give back the Elgin Marbles to Greece would confer respect for a country that only gave the world democracy, theatre and the foundations of modern philosophy. How can that compare to binge drinking, fish and chips and Eastenders?

That is why Museums must remain free to tourists. If the financial situation becomes unsustainable then we must only excessively charge domestic visitors. Why? What about those visitors you may ask? What about them I say. They are expensive and dangerous. Emptiness does not equal pointlessness, it equals greatness. If the Queen came round for tea every week, would we still hold her in awe as she dunked her hobnobs and slurped out of her saucer? I think not. We respect her because we do not know her.

To conclude. Remain aloof, remain disengaged and therefore remain relevant to the nation as an idea of ourselves. We cannot be, and should not be purveyors of the truth (leave that to the academics in our Universities and be thankful that nobody ever reads their work). Engage and die! Fellow museum managers, we must not let the future condemn us for our errors. Preserve the past by ignoring the present and therefore secure the future.

Go back to your museums and prepare for the future by doing nothing!"

Cue a standing ovation.