You've missed me haven't you. Exhausted after the Summer Olympics I went on a blogging sabbatical while I contemplated retirement. Luckily for you I'm still here and will return to the regular blogging business shortly. I still feel the need to tell you what to think and why I am right more than ever. That approach seemed so quaint a year ago, but I've found politicians have begun to take me seriously and are operating with my patented 'unreason' agenda. I need to take credit for this or at least correct their occasional misinterpretation of my philosophy. Better still gain power myself and show people how its really done.
I've realised that my retirement offers the potential of a more interesting life than I had previously envisioned. As the age of 70 approaches I've realised that being the president of the USA is not beyond me. Previously I thought you had to be a politician, but no! All you have to be is unreasonable. I thought you had to be an American, but then I realised all you had to do was lie. Apparently the previous president was from Kenya and the current one is from a different planet.
As the British have shown you can even become Prime Minister without even having to fight an election. Simple - my retirement is now sorted out. I will run a small to medium sized country for a few years.
OK so how to do it? I've been studying May and Trump closely and come up with a 5 point plan.
1. You need an enemy.
Should it be Poles, Mexicans or Muslims? No, they're all taken. In downtown Unreason, shouting about the danger of a massive influx of a pair of quantity surveyors from Cricklewood has not worked. I need a bigger population for everyone to fear. The Normans is the answer. They're basically French and they are everywhere, and they are MAL HOMMES. The French ddin't send us their best people William the Bastard anyone? Repatriate the Normans, block the Channel Tunnel and dig a moat (we already have one, but we just need to make it a bit deeper).
2. You need leather trousers and or a mail order bride.
I am still chafing after a misguided 10 minutes in the changing rooms at Top Shop after tussling with a pair of leather trousers. It gave the term rawhide a whole new meaning. So an advert in Autocar Magazine for a low mileage wife, recent model, preferably white should do the trick.
3. You need to disparage anybody who has a sensible opinion.
In our museum I have even taken to calling the visitors our 'so called public'.
5. Rig the election
I've started practising by looking for obituaries in the Unreason Bugle and signing the names I find into our museum visitor book to inflate the numbers. Next step I will register them as electors and when I stand in the local by election it will be the Day of the Living Dead all over again. I've set a target of 3 million. That should be enough (population of Unreason 15,874).
5. Come up with a catchy slogan
I've got 2. 'Lets make Unreasonableness great again' and 'UNREASON MEANS UNREASON'
My future is assured, lets hope there is still a world for me to run when my plan comes together.
