Rio2016 - Why is Team GB so successful?

I feel forced to abandon my summer break from blogging to reflect on the Olympics 2016.

In reality, I've just been turned down for a Heritage Lottery Fund grant for a new pop up museum. 'Pop up' museums are all the rage, although I can't think of anything worse than sitting in a bus station waving my weird objects at people waiting for the no. 9 bus to Old Sodbury.  It needed reinventing before we're all forced to do it.

My idea was 'The Summer of Fun Pop Up Chateau of Unreason Museum'. In return for a modest capital investment from the public purse to purchase a modest pile in Provence, I would pop up for two weeks to make our museum international and develop an entirely new audience. In order to build on this, I would return every year, to cement relations in the bars and restaurants of Arles and Avignon. Sadly, as usual, I am a man ahead of my time and others do not see the visionary potential of the idea.

So I find myself in this country watching the TV through the night. A habit that usually costs me a lot of money after ten minutes of free viewing. But entirely for free I have been watching the Olympics with increasing incredulity as 'Team GB' hoover up the medals in the sports that the U.S.A. think are a bit gay and so do not try too hard to win.

As an aside 'Team GB' is an appropriate name, rather than 'Team UK' (and the Isle of Man and other Crown Dependencies etc.). The most obvious exclusive nature of the 'GB' moniker is to ignore Northern Ireland. Mind you, the idea of a 'Force UK' team would give sponsors second thoughts about associating their brands with FUK (French Connection excepted). Those complainers about 'Team GB' have missed the point. The Northern Irish athletes under the Anglo-Irish Agreement can compete for the Irish Republic - which most choose to do. So a more obvious question to me, is to ask 'Team Ireland' why they are not 'Team Ireland and a bit of the UK' or Team I and NI (TINI) which incidentally matches their medal haul.

This is not to be boastful about GB's success, I am in fact rather depressed about it. I long for the days in my youth, when I had more thumbs than we had gold medals (Pub Quiz Question - who won the only GB Gold medal at Atlanta 1996?*) - it was proportional, it was more suited to our character, and most importantly it allowed the BBC to actually show some sport.

Having watched a lot of the Olympics now. I have seen a lot of GB athletes wandering around in track suits, rather than seeing sport. I've seen a lot of sweaty GB athletes being asked how they feel, rather than seeing sport. I've seen a lot of inspirational profiles of GB athletes, rather than seeing sport. I've seen a lot of interviews with families of GB athletes, rather than seeing sport. I've actually watched some sport where the commentators seem to have forgotten that there are other athletes on the track at the same time as the GB athlete. In case we missed it I then get a repeat where the camera just focusses on the GB athlete so that we can actually pretend there were no other athletes actually present. I have seen endless repeats of all of the above, and I have then seen the news and highlights that only involved GB medal events. Complete ignoring of women's 200m. in news and highlights was a bit of a low.

So lets get back to athletic incompetence and rediscover the Olympics as a celebration of great athletic performance rather than national triumphalism (leave that to the U.S.A. they do that so much better than us and is more in line with their character).

Simple minded analysts have put the success down to lottery funding. £350m. of investment over the last four years for 50 medals to date is obviously money well spent. Isn't it? Well in terms of success per capita it is not. We get a medal for every 1.2m people. Yet Grenada get a medal for every 100,000. Grenada has no lottery, or major public funding and no obesity in the young crisis. Although India has a medal for every 1.3bn. people. If it ever gets its act together, or if Kabaddi is allowed into the Olympics, even China would need to watch out. If we were as successful as Grenada we would have to actually add new games to Olympics to win enough medals. By the way why is golf in the Olympics and squash and kabaddi are not?

Incidentally Grenada is also the most successful country by GDP. GB languishes in 30th place. India is also bottom of this league table.

OK, having made the case that GB is wasting public money, destroying the spirit of the Olympics and underperforming - the question is why are we so successful?

Athletes are quick to thank support teams, nutritionists and coaches. They go into holding camps in Soviet style luxury gulags and boost national confidence and international profile - just like East Germany in the Cold War. Obviously Team GB doesn't use performance enhancing drugs (they just accidentally miss the drug tests), although they do have a secret drug weapon that is quintessentially British - see later.

I checked what Team GB have taken with them to Rio. Where some of that £350m. has been spent.
Naturally a mere 48,000 pieces of kit have been taken (have you noticed that each GB athlete has almost bespoke kit). However that is reasonable, although supplying your own kit would makes the prospect of someone lining up in the 100m. sprint final in a pair of flipflops rather enticing.

The kit does not include footwear and socks (11,000 pairs) or hats. Hats? We have taken 1,500. That seems a lot given that the total of competitors and staff is only 833. Is this wasteful? One hat per head seems reasonable, but one hat per 1.9 heads seems extravagant.

Again this figure does not include the ceremonial suits and the 2,800 luggage bags to carry all this.

Yet 22 shipping containers were needed. I have a lot of socks, but I only need one drawer. What else have they taken? In here lies the secret of GB success.

Team GB has taken 249 sofas and 350 cushions, 72 sets of outdoor garden furniture, 121 kettles and 5,500 tea bags.

There it is!

Sat on the sofa with a cup of tea...and when it isn't raining sitting on the patio..with another cup of tea. The quintessentially British training regime and drug of choice. A government endorsed mass doping system (which other countries have been banned for) underpinned by professional sitting. Which sports are we good at? Rowing, sailing, cycling and horse riding - sitting sports.

So there you have it. GB has discovered sports that match the British lifestyle, so that we are all in training whether we like it or not, and fuelled it with a drug that is not yet on the Olympic banned list (Linford Christie's ginseng tea excepted - had he opted for PG Tips none of that unpleasantness would have occurred).

So is £350m. well spent? Brits spend £6.3bn. on hot drinks (although I admit some of that involves unnecessarily radical coffee drinking) then yes it is.

Spread the word, the most important measure of success for 'Team GB' is the most important statistic of the Olympics.

1 medal for every 100 cups of tea

This could be the secret of india's rise up the medal table when they realise this.

My rigorous viewing so far has raised my tea drinking to almost Olympic standard - I believe I am already there on my sofa training so I might still dream of going to Tokyo in 2020.


RIO 2016 A NEW WORLD


*clue - it involved a couple of blokes (who incidentally I once saw in a McDonalds) sitting down and going backwards faster than anyone else.

EU Referendum Update July 2016

The dust has settled on the EU referendum and the events can be summarised quite easily.

Overall the UK voted to leave, although distinct areas and countries voted to remain.

This caused some political upheaval, which has now become clearer

UKIP - the main leaver left.

Meanwhile in the Conservatives the main remainers left along with all the leavers. That left the remaining remainer insisting that leaving means leaving. She then got the leavers back in to help us leave. Whilst doing this she talked to Scotland who wanted to remain, to persuade them to remain whilst joining in leaving.

In the Labour Party the remainer remains despite efforts to get him to leave by other remainers.

For the Lib Dems the remainers insist leaving means remaining, although nobody is listening to them.

In the country some leavers now want to remain, and many remainers now want to leave the country.

In Europe they want us to remain but insist we should leave as soon as possible.




So where does that leave museums? They want to remain, but will be forced to leave, whilst hoping that the contacts remain, even though the European funding will leave.


Chief BBC political analyst Laura Kuenssberg assessment of the situation is as follows

You put your left arm in

your right arm out 

In, out, in, out, 

You shake it all about.  

You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around

That's what it's all about...

Woah, the hokey cokey,

Woah, the hokey cokey,...

Something for an English Summer?

The Meteorological Office has confirmed that this has been the wettest June on record (records actually began in 1910 - but I suspect we'd been having bad weather well before then). But this was not confined to June. We've had the wettest April-June ever. The total amount of rain in June was 145.3mm (getting on for 6 inches in old money).  With the unsettled weather due to continue due to something to do with the Jet Stream, what should museums do? Normally its time to invest in outdoor event and activities. 

Or should we take our direction from 'Ark Encounter' (https://arkencounter.com/) in Kentucky and build something with a eye to the future (or past?). Does your museum have a spare $100m, then this could be your way forward. A 510 feet long (300 cubits) ark.  It is handy that the Bible, as well as offering an accurate history of civilisation, is also an early IKEA instruction booklet to build your own, species survival craft. 

“And this is how you shall make it: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, its width fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits.” (Genesis 6:15)

Credit: AP*

There's no need to rush, at the current rate of rain it will take 58,000 months to cover Mount Everest in water. Although I suspect humanity will be in trouble long before them. But I think museums would need the time to get to grips with their disposal policies, so that there will be enough room in the ark to house their collections.

Am I being pessimistic? You just need to ask yourself when did you last see a rainbow?

And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: 13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14 Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. 16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.” (Genesis 9:12)

Next time it rains and a rainbow fails to appear, get on the first flight to Kentucky with your favourite object. Or get those strange bits of wood in your museum store that you never knew what they were for, but could never bring yourself to throw out, and start building. It is your duty as a curator to preserve your collection, people may think you are mad, but future generations will thanks you.






http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/07/07/noahs-ark-replica-unveiled-in-kentucky-amid-anger-at-scientifica/

Can I Touch this?

 Do want more millennials in your fusty old halls? Have you thought about playing music in your museum exhibitions?

Museums used to be follow the Bruce Springsteen theory of display outlined in his early manifesto, 'The River' Track 9 - You Can Look (But You'd Better Not Touch)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbd5IexmTX4

Be sure to blast this out to protect your new open storage decorative art loan from the Victoria and Albert Museum.

More generally, MC Hammer's U Can't Touch This, can be sampled through touch pads if visitors get close to your objects.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otCpCn0l4Wo

But museums have moved towards a more inclusive and, dare I say it, touching approach. What would be appropriate?

Open the doors to Diana Ross' Touch Me In The Morning

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxZRdxrP0Vo

If your museum have sleepovers, how about

Kathy Dennis Touch Me (All Night Long)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rPSQweDPmI

I think a more strident approach encouraging visitors to handle objects is needed in the early stages and many modern beat combos can instruct us to 'Touch'. Here is a small sample

The Supremes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXLUND2kCPA

Natasha Bedingfield

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOa4axPVHEc

Daft Punk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljQdZEMs31g

Shift K3Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KtYYHKEGDc

That should cover a range of tastes.

For the braver museum, how about asking visitors to actually handle your objects. What can you offer them aurally. Robyn's Handle Me is a good place to start

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4UHNhVSrEM

or Fleetwood Mac's Hold Me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAbfPDZdEBU

For the more anxious the Travelling Wilburys Handle With Care may offer an easy way in

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8s9dmuAKvU

Or Tori Amos' Precious Things

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Croz1_USr3U

What about tunes to avoid? Top of my list would be The Damned's Smash It Up

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux1Za8Wmz_s

Nick Lowe's I Love the Sound of Breaking Glass

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80A26-uo-CA

and the ultimate in cultural destructive nihilism, Joy Division, Atrocity Exhibition

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3suV4k7gF0


Listen, enjoy, relax, open up those cabinets and let the handling begin

A Briton's EU Elegy

The church bell tolls the knell of parting way,

       The defeated man climbs slowly o'er the gate,

The Briton homeward plods his weary way,

       And leaves Europe for darkness due to hate.



Now fades the glimm'ring future on the night,

       And all the air a solemn stillness holds,

Save where UKIP man preens his droning spite,

      As lousy thinking doth infect the polls;



Save us from yonder lonely tow'r

      The moping spirit tabloid to the mass complain

And so, Britannia finds her secret bow'r,

      Returns to her ancient solitary reign.


For Cameron no more number 10's hearth shall burn,

       The tired PM shows his evening care:

84 Tories write to save their sire's concern,

      Or vie to have his envied role to share.



Beneath that rugged hair, that blonded shade,

     Heaves Boris Johnson's mould'ring heap,

Is in his narrow mind for ever laid,

       The rude leaver of Europe, asleep.



That breezy call in a Scottish Morn,

    The Sturgeon twitt'ring from the stone-built stead,

The crow's shrill clarion, or her echoing horn,

     No more shall Union keep Scots from their EU bed.



Oft did Ireland to their violence yield,

     Their divided soul the cycle had been broke;

How quickly will they take their guns to wield!

    As borders rise and calls to unite occur in one stroke!



The day with markets in sad array

    The currency's downward path we saw it borne.

Approach with dread where the economy will lay,

    Grav'd on the stone where we will mourn.



Here he rests his head upon the lap of Earth

    A hostage to Fortune and to Fame unknown.

Fair Albion frown'd on EU's worth,

    And Melancholy mark'd him for her own.



Never has Thomas Grey's Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard seemed so apt and poignant

on this sad day

The Museum of Tomorrow may actually be The Museum of Tomorrow

Source: http://museudoamanha.org.br/

Welcome to 'The Museum of Tomorrow'

"The Museum of Tomorrow is a different kind of science museum. A space conceived through the values of sustainability and conviviality that explores the ever-changing times we’re witnessing and the possible paths we may take during the next 50 years."*

 This new cultural organisation is in Rio de Janeiro and could be an intriguing stop off point for the masses of sports enthusiasts for this year's Olympic Games.

But is it a museum?

An initial review (from John Orna-Ornstein* no less) is very positive.  Here is his twitter review in full.

"Only one object, but @museudoamanha is thoughtful, beautiful, supremely relevant and rather brilliant."

I was drawn to his comment, '...only one object..'. In the museum world we have been working to a museum definition by our Museums Association since 1998.

'Museums enable people to explore collections for inspiration, learning and enjoyment. They are institutions that collect, safeguard and make accessible artefacts and specimens, which they hold in trust for society.' (my italics).

According to this definition a museum of one object is not a museum.

One object does not a collection make. If that is the case I have a second hand Ford Ka collection, all of which are in working order (just). But I am not the Working Museum of Second Hand Everyday Affordable City Cars.

So what is the difference?

The difference is the 'inspiration, learning and enjoyment' part of the MA definition and is pertinent to the remaining part of Orna-Ornstein's review.

As soon as we break from our 'collections' fetishism we release the shackles. If we think of artefacts and specimens as tools that may be used to inspire and not an end in themselves, all of a sudden we can have more enlightened disposal policies, more engagement with artefacts in the public domain (there are excellent examples out there) and develop the museum's outward focus on society rather than inward of collection conservation and management.

Furthermore Orna-Ornstein has identified an element of museum work that is implicit within the definition, but, in my view, should be explicit - relevance. Museums are about today (some forget that) and should be working hard for society now. It sounds like this new museum is trying to do just that.

Let us all work towards a less collections dependent definition of a museum that explicitly challenges us to be relevant to the society as it is now and will be in the future.

In which case Rio's Museum of Tomorrow, may actually be the museum of tomorrow.



* http://museudoamanha.org.br/en/welcome
**John Orna-Ornstein is Arts Council England's Director of Museums

Museum of Kevin Bacon

Given the ubiquity of Kevin Bacon memes around the world in internet land, I've been surprised and disappointed that he hasn't invaded popular museum culture. Never fear I'm here to redress the balance. Feel free to join in if you like.

Challenge: Replace one word in a museum or exhibition or gallery with the word 'Bacon'

Here's an simple start

Natural Bacon Museum

You see its easy - soon you be muttering things like Bacon Transport Museum in your sleep and then you'll graduate to more obscure ones like,

New Bedford Whaling Bacon 

and after a while they just come tumbling out

The Museum of Jurassic Bacon

The Victoria and Bacon Museum

Bacon Rivers Museum

Bacon Collar Museum

Museum of Mental Bacon

Museum of Baconcraft

Museum of Brands, Packaging and Bacon

The Museum of Bad Bacon

Museum of Medieval Torture Bacon

Museum of Vampires and Legendary Bacon

all with no mention of Harry Potter

These are just the museums, any temporary exhibitions that might be suitable for the 'Bacon' treatment?

Try it you might like it and be sure to send me your best suggestions

What Do Millennials Want from Museum Work?

The British Government has just published a new White Paper on Culture. One of the things it wants to encourage a debate about is the role of museums. At long last! Some will say. What is a museum? Is what others may say. My question is, what does the next generation think and do? Not just about museums, or culture, but work and life itself. So what will museums need to become?

A business survey published this May (2016) in the U.S.A. gave some interesting results*

Millennials expect flexible work arrangements

A great deal of work can be done any time from any location, which means the traditional 9-to-5 routine is becoming extinct. 95% of millennials want the option to at least occasionally work outside the office? Part of the museum staff problem is that not enough of them are on the exhibition floor and are in their offices. Lets get them out of there as much as we can. Getting them out of the museum entirely is probably a very healthy thing - even if it is only to visit other museums.

77% think flexible hours would make the workplace more productive.

This generation also values work-life balance over high salary positions (not usually a problem in museums)

A flexible work arrangement usually means ...
Employees are more productive
Organisations achieve greater employee satisfaction and less turnover
Emergencies are less of a problem (employees are equipped to work anywhere)
Organisations experience less sick employees and absenteeism
Organisations become more attractive to top talent
Can we do this in museums, can we rethink opening hours? Most visitors come between a 11am - 3pm window. What about weekends? Unless you are in a tourist hotspot, Mondays are very quiet. We can build in flexibility very easily.

Open Offices are Replacing Traditional Layouts

The future it seems is open plan and hot desks, cutting down operational costs. Apparently GlaxoSmithKline saves $10m p.a. through unassigned seating. If more people are off site, out of the office, working flexibly then why waste money on office space - it can free up more storage space for artefacts! Thus eliminating the UK museum storage crisis in one fell swoop. Or just cut costs, making museums more sustainable.

How to do it well? Here are some tips

Furnish your offices with moveable furniture that can be reconfigured so employees are able to work privately or collaboratively if needed. If you don't want to be near Janice and her unfortunate soup based habits pick up your work station and move it to a toilet cubicle.

Do away with assigned seating and offer seating alternatives like standing desks, yoga ball seats and sofa/lounge areas so employees have several options and the ability to move around throughout the day. I think yoga balls could attract younger volunteers to museums and produce a steady stream of older volunteers to hospital accident and emergency departments.

Create think spaces, meditation spots, or private areas where staff and volunteers can go to make private phone calls, have meetings or work in peace.

Create collaboration areas specifically for group meetings away from the main open space so as not to disrupt others.

The Internet of Things (IoT) Will Rule Everything

This is possibly the biggest influencer of change since the Internet (or in the case of museums, since the quill pen was replaced by the fountain pen). That's because it's now possible for "smart" electronic devices to automatically communicate with one another without any human-to-computer interaction.

With the right management software to govern all this automation, museum managers are in for a real treat:

You will be equipped to track the location and utilisation of every item, computer, mobile device, piece of equipment and room in your building.

All connected devices are sharing information, which means big data can be collected and analysed in real time to track and monitor behaviours, and identify ways to increase efficiency while lowering cost.

Will your museum become a "Smart building" equipped with IoT-capable light fixtures, smart utilities and advanced management software will make predictive maintenance a reality.

Are you ready for the future? The museum that will survive and thrive in the years to come will be those that adopt these trends early and embrace their limitless possibilities.

While the next generations catch a lot of flack for their unconventional work ethics, they also bring fresh and exciting perspectives to our sector.


And it's their vision that will ultimately reshape the museum of the future.







*Inc Magazine http://www.inc.com/elizabeth-dukes/what-95-of-millennials-want-and-other-trends-you-need-to-know.html

Everyday, Anyday and Forever

Some of you may recognise this lady. She was born in 1746 and her name was Hannah Stilley. She is thought to be the oldest person ever caught on camera. The photograph was take in 1840 and she was to die shortly after.

To put her age into context she was born in the year of the Battle of Culloden, when the final Jacobite hopes of returning the Stuart dynasty to the British throne were crushed. The year that Samuel Johnson began to write his Dictionary of the English Language and the great painter Fransisco Goya was born.

So what.

She is an unremarkable person, who lived an unremarkable life and who just happened to be old when a new method of recording images was discovered (although the first photograph was taken in 1827, Louis Daguerrre developed the quicker, clearer process in 1837).

What I am saying is that she is a product of the randomness of events, but her story can serve as a way into history. History isn't a technical, factual process  - it is the story of people, individually or together who shape events, witness events, or have them effect their lives.

So what.

So - this can be the great strength of local museums. The many of the small towns of Britain haven''t shaped great events or witnessed great events, but have had their lives effected by change, have witnessed small events that can tell a story of greater things (e.g. industrial revolution). But collecting the past is easy, the events are known and the collecting can be focussed.

What is more difficult is collecting the 'now' for the future. In another 100 years what will museums have to tell the story of 'now'. There is so much to chose from, so much is offered - where do we start?

I have blogged before about the problems of collecting in a globalised and digital world. In a globalised, digital world, what is local? What is local is the population, the stories they can tell. In my town that story is as much Polish and Lithuanian, even though the clothes they wear and the 'phones they use are the same the world over. And our stores are full so we cant collect much anyway.

The answer is actually digital. Collect the stories. Collect the oral history. Collect the photographs. Make that part of what a museum does everyday. Then in 150 years an ordinary person can tell an ordinary story.

I am an extraordinary person, although the rest of the world doesn't realise it. But let me tell you it.

I was born just in time for the Cuban Mile Crisis, I went to infants school the year England Won the World Cup (that will never happen again and the sooner we realise it the better, so that we can learn to live with the disappointment). I was kept back a year in school the year man landed on the Moon. My junior school years coincided with the oil crisis, miners strike and the 3 day week. I went to secondary school the year Richard Nixon resigned because of the Watergate standard (little were we to know that we could then add the suffix -gate to something to indicate a scandal - thus the English language continues to grow).
And so it goes on:
I was in Liverpool when John Lennon was killed
I never believed the Berlin Wall could fall in my lifetime
I saw a 23 year old Kenneth Branagh perform Henry V at the RSC
I saw the events of 9/11 unfold live on TV
I voted in the election that resulted in the first coalition government since 1945.

And my story is as special and unique as 7 billion others on this planet

If we do nothing to personalise, collect and conserve at least some of these lives, to quote Roy Batty Bladerunner,

"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears...in...rain"

Thus in 2150 the grainy image of Frank Rason will stare back at some tyro curator who will be saying either, "who was this?" or ,"he's got a lot to answer for!" Whatever they say, I will have a story to tell about my time - everyday, any day and forever.

Museums - there's a word for it (part 2)

Last week I explored the meaning of new words that have been officially recognised by the Oxford Dictionary people. So in this blog I want to campaign for new additions to the dictionary of words that should, could and would be used in museums

Axcess - the murderous feeling engendered by being forced to let in non-traditional audiences to your museum

Curationation - the fashionable concept letting anyone who walks through the door to curate your next exhibition

Disposunable - the inability to get rid of unwanted objects from the collection due to outdated ethics considerations

Exhibosauricy - the demand from management that every new exhibition should include at least one dinosaur

Fundaymental - the state of mind of the education officer after running a week of family friendly  activities during the summer holidays

Grantliness - the reputation a museum has for exploiting grant funds to the max

Heritrage - righteous anger that another piece of the past is lost due to under-resourcing

Inflacollation - unsustainable museum collection policy

Storemforce - the unshakeable optimism by the curator that he/she will fit the new acquisition into the already overcrowded museum store

Voluntairasis - the incurable spread of volunteer dependent activity throughout the museum

Zoomoos - museums with a significant natural history collection

Unsustainable Growth in Collections - there's a word for it

The Oxford Dictionary Online is a store of over 600,000 words AND GROWING. Despite this large collection, they continue to bring new words into the store, and only a small proportion of these words go on display as they revise their dictionaries. As with museum collections, this growth is unsustainable, we must get rid of some words. For example getting rid of 'yes' will save me a lot of work and 'open' causes me a lot of trouble as well. However that is not the main theme of this blog. As with any museum our collections acquisition policy needs to be relevant and up to date. So here are some more recent additions to the Oxford dictionary store with their official (and museum) definitions.

1. Bling (n): Expensive, ostentatious clothing and jewellery usually the result of an excessive Heritage Lottery Grant for a museum.

2. Chillax (v): Calm down and relax. Usually needed after a KS2 visit from the local inner city school to your museum
*
3. Crunk (adj): Very excited or full of energy. The KS2 visitors.
*
4. D'oh (ex): Exclamation used to comment on a foolish or stupid action, especially one’s own. In reaction to allowing the KS2 school to visit.
*
5. Droolworthy (adj): Extremely attractive or desirable. A common reaction to the latest Arts Council grant announcements
*
6. Frankenfood (n): Genetically modified food. Usually sold in volunteer run museum cafes.
*
7. Hater (n): A person who greatly dislikes a specified person or thing. a.k.a. Customer Services Manager
*
8. Illiterati (n): People who are not well educated or well informed about a particular subject or sphere of activity. a.k.a museum exhibition consultants
*
14. La-la Land (n): A fanciful state or dream world. Also, Los Angeles or any museum staff room
*
15. Muggle (n): A person who is not conversant with a particular activity or skill. (see 8)
*
16. Noob (n): A person who is inexperienced in a particular sphere or activity, especially computing or the use of the Internet. The average museum staff member, or volunteer
*
17. Obvs (adv): Obviously. If you want complaints, use this in your latest exhibition interpretation
*
18. OMG (ex): Used to express surprise, excitement, or disbelief. (Dates back to 1917.) but also means Out of Museum Grants
*
19. Textspeak (n): Language regarded as characteristic of text messages, consisting of abbreviations, acronyms, initials, emoticons. (wut hpns win u write lyk dis.) (see 17)
*
20. Truthiness (n): the quality of seeming or being felt to be true, even if not necessarily true. The average museum exhibition.
*
35. Woot (ex): (Especially in electronic communication) Used to express elation, enthusiasm, or triumph. Rarely, if ever used in museums.

Born yesterday - 7th May - Josep Tito - mini blog

Marshal, Josep Tito was President of Yugoslavia from 1943 to 1980. Early in his presidency he wrote
in the Liberation magazine* title 'Our Optimism and Faith'. He was reflecting on the recently ended WWII, but he may as well have been referring to museums, and with the magic of the blog and some less than subtle editing it turns out he was.


"Our sacrifices are terrible. I can safely say that there is no other part of the cultural offer which has been devastated on a vaster scale than museums. Every tenth museum could perish in this struggle in which we are forced to make savings for our politicians; curators will freeze without clothing and die without medication.

Nevertheless our optimism and faith have proved justified. The greatest gain of this conflict between austerity and culture lies in the fact that it has drawn together everything that was good in humanity. The unity of the museums, galleries and heritage sites is the best guarantee to the peoples of the world that the mistakes of the past will never again be repeated."


*Page 3, United Committee of South-Slavonic Americans, 1945

Don Quixote on Museums - are we tilting at windmills?

Don Quixote is Cervantes' masterpiece of folly published in 1605 (with a follow up 10 years later). Therefore absolutely appropriate research material for any museum professional. I have distilled the Don's relevant sagacity to save you lot doing it. Read, enjoy and learn. 
Author's changes have been placed in italics.

Exhibitions

“The truth may be stretched thin, but it never breaks, and it always surfaces above lies, as oil floats on water.”

“There is no exhibition so bad...that it does not have something good in it.”

“So it isn’t the masses who are to blame for demanding rubbish, but rather those who aren’t capable of providing them with anything else.”

Interpretive philosophy

“... truth, whose mother is history, who is the rival of time, depository of deeds, witness of the past, example and lesson to the present, and warning to the future.”

Museum Manager

“Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.”

“... he who's down one day can be up the next, unless he really wants to stay in bed, that is...”

“Truly I was born to be an example of misfortune, and a target at which the arrows of adversary are aimed.”

“Fortune always leaves a door open in adversity in order to bring relief to it,”

Museum Cutbacks

"Thou hast seen nothing yet.”

Museum Forward Plans

“When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams — this may be madness. Too much sanity may be madness — and maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”

Think Long-term

“For neither good nor evil can last for ever; and so it follows that as evil has lasted a long time, good must now be close at hand.”

“Fortune always leaves a door open in adversity in order to bring relief to it,”

Writing object labels 

“It is one thing to write as poet and another to write as a historian: the poet can recount or sing about things not as they were, but as they should have been, and the historian must write about them not as they should have been, but as they were, without adding or subtracting anything from the truth.”

Desperate measures to increase income?

“Your grace, come back, Senor Don Quixote, I swear to God you're charging sheep !”

Dealing with senior management

“I’m a peaceful, mild, and quiet man, and I know how to conceal any insult because I have a wife and children to support and care for.”

Career choices

“What is more dangerous than to become a curator? Which is, as some say, an incurable and infectious disease.”

Finally...

Quickly improve staff morale

“I want you to see me naked and performing one or two dozen mad acts, which will take me less than half an hour.."

Born this day - 30th April - Alice B. Toklas - mini blog

Born in 1877, Alice B. Toklas is probably most famous for being the partner of Gertrude Stein and the the subject of The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas actually written by Stein. Her own most famous work is in fact a cook book, which included the recipe for hash brownies.

So what about museums, you may ask?

Is constructing a menu, a bit like pulling together an interpretive plan? Of course it is, so what did Toklas say.

“In the exhibition, there should be a climax and a culmination. Come to it gently. One will suffice.”

Sage words Alice B. Toklas

I decline to accept the end of museums

On 10th December 1950 in Stockholm, Sweden a modest writer called William Faulkner was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. He accepted it during the dark days following the Soviet acquisition of the nuclear bomb and the very future of civilisation seemed under threat. Move forward 66 years and the pessimists are talking of the death of museums. I disagree strongly with this view. Read (or listen to) the Faulkner speech, apply it to museums and the argument for optimism still holds up. This can be simply because museums are an intrinsic part of human civilisation. To lose them would be part of the loss of self. The speech can also be read as an emphasis on the link of museums with the broader cultural and artistic community. Unwittingly he has hit upon one of the secrets of sustainability that Arts Council England are very keen on. i.e. working with artists.

I have taken an reinterpreted excerpt from the speech. I hope it will inspire you as it did me.

"I decline to accept the end of museums. It is easy enough to say that museums are immortal because they will endure: that when the last ding-dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last worthless rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will still be one more sound: that of museums puny inexhaustible voice, still talking. I refuse to accept this. I believe that museums will not merely endure: they will prevail. They are immortal, not because they alone among cultural organisations have an inexhaustible voice, but because they have a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and engagement and endurance. The poet’s, the writer’s, duty is to write about these things. It is his privilege to help museums endure by lifting their hearts, by reminding them of their collections and activities and hope and pride and compassion and love and sacrifice which have been the glory of humanity's past. The poet’s voice need not merely be the record of museums, it can be one of the props, the pillars to help them endure and prevail."

William Faulkner 1919 - 1962 

Birthday 22 April - Immanuel Kant - mini blog

Born today in 1724, the German philosopher is most famous for being 'a real pissant' according to Monty Python. 

In the Critique of Pure Reason (1781) he asks three questions. 

1. What can I know? 2. What ought I to do? 3. What may I hope? 

Worth museums asking perhaps?

What did Einstein think of museums?

The greatest mind of the 20th Century wasn't a renowned museum visitor. But if you examine some of Albert Einstein's quotes, you get the sense he actually longed to be a museum manager. For example did you know his famous equation E=MC2 actually stands for,


Engagement = Museum x Customer Care 2


Think about that for a minute and the power of the equation and why it makes sense becomes apparent. They only gave him the nobel prize for physics because there isn't one for museums...yet.


What about some of his more famous quotes?

With some slight amendments, they become incredibly perceptive insights into museums.

Two things are infinite: the universe and museum collections; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Interpretation without collections is lame, collections without interpretation is blind.

The most beautiful museum we can experience is the mysterious one. It is the source of all true art and science.

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough to write an interpretation panel.

Museums: logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.

Insanity: doing the same exhibition topic over and over again and expecting a different audience.

There are only two ways to manage your museum. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Great curators have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre managers.

Every exhibition should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Museum sustainability is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Albert, we salute you!

Bremain - Museums In!

This week we look at the arguments for museums to stay in Europe. I have taken as the source of the 'Bremain' facts Pro Europa (http://www.proeuropa.org.uk) a cross-party unincorporated group which seems (counter intuitively) administrative and regulation light - they clearly don't understand Europe. However the fact that they have 13 reasons to stay compare to the Brexit's 10, obviously means the weight of argument is in pro Europe's favour. Or is it? As Boris Johnson said,

"...there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters."

1. Jobs

Erroneous stat alert. Around 3.5 British museum jobs are directly linked to membership of the European Union – that is currently 1 in 10 British museum jobs. I think that says more about the British museum job market than our links to Europe.


2. Exports & investment

Museums lends and loans objects to and from Europe, as well as everywhere else. Leaving Europe will mean less support for loans to and from Europe. And the Greeks aren't going to get the Elgin marbles back EU or not.


3. Trade

British museums are more of a legacy of Empire than Europe. You may not have noticed the end of Empire (some curators in major museums please take note). What we are now in is a period of barbarian invasions (if you believe the Daily Mail) which equates to c400AD to 1065AD. How much active contemporary collecting are museums doing to reflect this? Leaving Europe will just change that to war with France and/or Germany (1066 - 1945) of which we have got loads of stuff in museum stores. So in short museums should stay in Europe and bring their collecting policies up to date NOW.

4. Consumer clout

British museums enjoy lower plumbing charges, (Poles),  lower maintenance charges (Lithuanians), cheap car washes in disused petrol stations (Latvians), easier access to contract hit men (Albanians), great customer care (French), hilarious comedy (Germans) - I could go on. These sorts of benefits could not be achieved by Britain alone.

5. Clean environment

You no longer get food poisoning in museum cafes, dengue fever from our toilet seats, strange rashes from handling the guide book, or that faint whiff of pickled onions from museum room stewards. That is good for Britain and good for Britons holidaying at home.

6. Power to curb the multinationals

The EU has taken on multinational giants like Microsoft, Samsung and Toshiba for unfair competition by cutting museum funding so that they can't afford to buy products from these companies. A retired volunteer standing in the corner of the exhibition will always be cheaper than plasma screens and interactive computers. The UK would not be able to do this alone.

7. Freedom to work and study abroad – and easy travel

If you don't like working in a British museum, your driving licence issued in the UK is valid throughout the EU so get on the ferry and find another job.

8. Peace and democracy

Peace throughout Europe has allowed museums to concentrate on commemorating battles, having war weekends and hiring re-enactment societies to keep the real ale industry afloat and the NHS overstretched. The alternative is unthinkable.

9. Equal pay and non-discrimination

Equal pay for men and women is enshrined in EU law, as are bans on discrimination by age, race or sexual orientation. This benefits museums by making wages too high that they all have to be run by volunteers of any age, gender, race etc.

10. Influence in the world

Britain museums have a great reputation around the world and that is because of the EU.  The world sees Europe and then recognises that British museums are the best. If we leave Europe who can we compare ourselves to? The logic is flawless. We have better museums because we are in Europe.

11. Cutting red tape

If we didn't have red tape what does the Mayor cut when she opens our new exhibitions? Answer me that.

12. Fighting crime

The European Arrest Warrant replaced long extradition procedures and enables the UK to extradite criminals wanted in other EU countries, and bring to justice criminals wanted in the UK who are hiding in other EU countries. Hmmm... perhaps it is better we leave. It was only once and I blame the cheap wine (EU subsidised no doubt), but the church was open and I felt our museum could do with a minor renaissance master triptych for the Unreason monastery display. Luckily by painting a moustache on the Virgin Mary no-one has noticed yet


13. Research funding

The UK is the second largest beneficiary of EU research funds, and the British Government expects future EU research funding to constitute a vital source of income for our world-leading universities and companies and one day museums might get some. 

Well you've had the balanced arguments, now its time for you to decide. Please vote by sending unmarked cash to me and I'll spend the results.

Brexit - Museums Out!

Over the next couple of weeks I will be presenting the rational arguments for leaving or staying in the European Union from an independent museum perspective. I am going to ignore the Museums Association poll that indicates 97% of members think UK museums would be better off in the EU (http://www.museumsassociation.org/museums-journal/news/01032016-would-uk-museums-be-better-off-in-or-out-of-the-eu) . Instead I will step outside the front doors of the museum, step blinking into the sunshine and find out what the outside world is thinking. This week - why we should leave. I have taken the source of my reasoning from the Better Off Out campaign website (http://www.betteroffout.net). Better Off Out was founded in 2006 by The Freedom Association and they have put forward 10 reasons why we should leave (shown in bold) which I have annotated to help museums decide what it means for them.

1. Freedom to make stronger trade deals with other nations.
More loans from the Smithsonian and less loans from the Louvre

2. Freedom to spend UK resources presently through EU membership in the UK to the advantage of our citizens.
Money for museums will be as abundant in the future as now (feel free to give a hollow laugh at this point). 

3. Freedom to control our national borders.
I will still have the keys to the museum's front door, but the lock might now be made in China

4. Freedom to restore Britain’s special legal system.
Freedom to bring back the stocks for OAPs demanding a discount in the shop

5. Freedom to deregulate the EU’s costly mass of laws.

Hoorah, I'm bringing back bent bananas for the cafe, will sell eggs by the dozen in the shop, bring back cleavage to the barmaids at our real ale festival, and may my swedes be turnips for evermore in the farm shop

6. Freedom to make major savings for British consumers.

No free entry for tourists, and a new 'Are you local?' discount

7. Freedom to improve the British economy and generate more jobs.
Dear Santa, I would like a new marketing manager, assistant curator, outreach officer, front of house manager (+3 staff) and a p.a. please.

8. Freedom to regenerate Britain’s fisheries.
Probably of use to the Grimsby Fishing Heritage Centre; less useful to my museum, but if the cost of a haddock and chips at my local chippy gets cheaper I'm all for it

9. Freedom to save the NHS from EU threats to undermine it by harmonising healthcare across the EU, and to reduce welfare payments to non-UK EU citizens.
I don't want barber shop quartets serenading me while having my annual check up from my proctologist.

10. Freedom to restore British customs and traditions.

Given that we still do cheese rolling, bog snorkling and Morris dancing. Is it time to bring back conkers, cock fighting, bear baiting, anti-semitism and primae noctis.

The future's bright and the future's British. 

Museum Fundraising - catchy slogans for the use thereof

How do you draw attention to your donations box? How do you crate a catchy fundraising slogan? Let me do the hard thinking for you. Try these for size and take one for a test drive and see what a difference it could make to your fundraising activities

Money speaks louder than words! Give it to the museum now.

Give a percentage towards your heritage 

 Carpe diem and give to your museum

Your money means collection protection

Be a part of this museum and make the curator’s dream come true by keeping him/her in a job.

Be part of a change in the museum - stop it closing.

Give generously and breathe life into the past.

Support the museum. Change Lives. Save the World.

Charity doesn’t hurt, unlike our replica scold's bridle.

Give to the museum, the children of the future need museums.

Don’t delay, contribute to your heritage today!

Donation shows appreciation.

Let our displays continue to amaze

Forget what you can get and see what you can give.

Give! So cultural professionals can eat tonight.

Give your share to show you care! Enable exhibition acquisition

Giving is the best therapy! Just ask our volunteers!

Help today because tomorrow you may be the one who is a museum piece!

Is it better to light a candle than to pay the museum's electricity bill ?

What have you given today? 

You can make a difference to this museum, so why don't you?

Your donation may be pitifully small and feel like a drop in the bucket. But every drop counts!

Your change can make a change to this museum.

Your contribution can help achieve a sustainable museum solution

Can Museums Learn from Alex Ferguson?

Many business leaders have looked with envy at the phenomenal success of UK soccer manager Alex Ferguson. Winning the small matter of 13 Premier League titles, 10 Community Shields, 5 FA Cups, 4 League Cups, 4 Scottish Cups, 3 Scottish Premier League titles and 8 European trophies of various types. Having started with the modest Scottish First Division title with St. Mirren in 1977 you can safely say 'the boy done good'.

He has recently published a book called, 'Leading: Learning from Life and My Years at Manchester United'. It was written with Michael Moritz the Chairman of Sequoia Capital (major investor in Google, Yahoo etc.). The book tries to draw general management lessons from his time in football. The question is can we in museums benefit from his experience and knowledge?

Both Ferguson and Moritz spoke at Stanford Graduate School of Business and offered 5 'lessons in leadership'.

1. Be consistent in imposing discipline
Consistency is the essence of leadership

2. Embrace your entire team
What he means is, know the names of your staff/volunteers and say good morning

3. Firing is hard - do it right
Be honest during the process

4. Think long-term
Not a luxury many football managers have these days, but try and look beyond the next quick win

5. Lean forward
What he means is the importance of body language


This is all very sensible, but my reaction is -  IS THAT IT? All that success, all that experience, all the obvious leadership in essence all boils down to treating people like human beings and thinking ahead.

So the actual lesson, is that what he says is very sensible, but the secret of success, is just that - a secret. Nobody actually knows the answer. We all know best practice, but that mixture of timing, good luck, sound judgement and that 'controversial penalty in the 4th minute of injury time' all play a part.

Can we in museums learn anything. Absolutely! Be consistent, be honest, say good morning and project positive messages through your body language. If you do this will your museum flourish? Probably not, but it will certainly be a better place to work.

Yet the most important lesson we in museums can learn from Alex Ferguson is his spectacular failure at succession planning. Ferguson encouraged long-term thinking, but not beyond his own tenure (a failure museum managers may be sometimes guilty of). If Ferguson had got that bit right Manchester United would still be winning things, or even still qualifying for the Champions League. For small and voluntary museums this is a key component of their museum planning - so do not follow the Ferguson example and nominate a fellow Scot with a similar leadership style, but a manager that did not (or could not) follow the organisation's vision.

Football managers rarely have the luxury to think too far ahead (Ferguson was that rarest of managers who earned the right to work until retirement).  For most managers the ink is still wet on the contract before they are shown the door. Short-termism is a curse in sport where immediate results heavily prey on a manager's thinking. So his advice to fellow football managers may illicit a hollow laugh in response. But the thing for us in museums is to think long term,  We mustn't not follow football's example or managers would be out on their ear at the first sign of TripAdvisor criticism of the latest exhibition.

We have to keep remembering that the timescale museums work to is 'for ever'. Fundamentally we are charged with managing society's material culture in perpetuity. Therefore we should not have just 3 year or 5 year plans, we need 100 year plans or even 200 year plans. We need to think in even longer terms than we actually do. The Museums Association strategic plan takes us to 2020. I think their plan should be to 2200.

So what have we learnt?

Do not follow football's example, we need to follow our own path -  a longer path, but to make sure we are nice people on that journey.

Inspirational or Insufferable? Are motivational quotes all they are cracked up to be?

This week I have been mostly reflecting on the inspirational mug I purchased for our curator (see blog 5th March 2016), 'Move Fast and Break Things'. The point being this is incredibly bad advice for a curator. So I've been looking again at the pearls of wisdom of the great and good and questioning whether they constitute inspirational advice that inspires us to greatness, or is it all just the Emperor's new clothes. On balance I've decided they are all just insufferable egoists (like me) and its best policy to ignore them.

Let's start with the seminal, 'How To Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie.

"It's a proven fact that it's the sweetest sound to a person's ear is the sound of their own name."

Really Dale? Dale don't you think that constantly saying Dale to your face might begin to annoy you Dale? Dale? Dale where are you going?

Well Dale, Have you got any other useful advice?

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."

As I start trying to strike a match on this bar of soap, how long do I need to keep doing it Dale? Surely we achieve more by creativity, good planning and operating within budget. Hopelessness cannot be the ideal place in terms of organisational health (its true home is in Hollywood movies and its actual home is in small local authority run museums in the UK).

A contemporary of Carnegie was Napoleon Hill, another early guru of 'self-help', what advice did he have?

"Action is the real measure of intelligence."

Never put that idiot in a china shop with a hammer. Surely its not the amount of action that is important it is the appropriateness of the action that would be a better measure of intelligence.

Mr. Hill seems to be concerned with 'the physical'.

"Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting."

All I can say is "It's just a flesh wound!" and "I'll bite your legs off!" © Monty Python 1975


How about someone a little more recently deceased? Zig Ziglar (d. 2012) famous U.S. motivational speaker (note I'm just using dead people as an example, just in case I get sued)

Let's try this for size.

"People don't care how much we know until they first know how much we care."

What bobbins! I am more than happy to 'pick the brains' of people who know stuff regardless of their attitude to me and I certainly am asked for my knowledge by visitors/volunteers/staff/ fellow professionals who I don't give a tinker's cuss about. What sort of world would it be if we cared about people rather than knowledge (viz. museums in 21st Century)?

Anything else Zig?

"Speakers who talk about what life has taught them never fail to keep the attention of their listeners."

Has this man been responsible for more interminable presentations than any other? Be relevant and engaging not self centred. I'm nodding off just writing this.

Anything alliterative Zig?

"Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude."

How many seriously deluded people have you met who believe this? Certainly make the most of what you have, but you can't make the most of what you haven't got. How many Olympic high jumpers are there under 5 feet tall? Your attitude AND your aptitude will be more significant.

What about us leaders?

"It is true that integrity alone won't make you a leader, but without integrity you will never be one."

Nixon, Clinton, Bush, Blair, de Guzman, Boesky, Milken, Ebbers, Andersen, Fuld, Hayward, Goodwin and God help us Trump? I could go on. What we wish to be true and what is true are two entirely different things.

Anything else Zig?

"You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want."

Did you try that yourself Zig? How many times have you helped someone and got nothing in return? How many times have you helped someone and got everything you want in life in return? Extreme selflessness exists only in mental hospitals as it is an attitude that cannot function in modern society.

This soundbite approach by Mr. Ziglar without thought to the possible consequences is dangerous.

So what have we learned? Bring your own intelligence and common sense to theses motivational and self improvement books.


I'm indebted to an article by Geoffrey James in Inc. Magazine which forms the basis of this blog

Museum Sustainability:a case of sex and drugs and rock n' roll?

We continue to wring our hands at the funding crisis in British museums. How do we make our own way in the world where the central and local government is at best uncaring or at worst openly hostile? We obligingly reduce costs, become more entrepreneurial, sell Egyptian statues etc.

The answer came to me in the form of a fixed penalty notice that dropped on my doormat last week. Apparently I had driven up a restricted road and been caught by an automatic number plate recognition camera. I had missed a whole series of signs warning me. In my defence, how can I possibly read every sign when drunk 'phoning my mates at 1 in the morning driving at 90 miles an hour without my seat belt on? Some may call me irresponsible, I call it a miracle of multitasking.

Anyway, I took my punishment as ungraciously as I could and set about watching as many 'Police Interceptors', 'Traffic Cops' and 'Thieves & Thugs:Caught on Camera' programmes as I could to justify my belief that I was unfairly picked on by the fascist forces of law and order when they should be out catching real criminals (the impact of their behaviour is currently closing our museums). As a side note the sheer high tech investment and police numbers spent trying to catch a 15 yr. old scallywag buzzing round the local park on a moped, or Lithuanians rummaging about in charity clothing bins, is mind boggling. The Crown Prosecution Service will then not pursue the case due to lack of evidence.

So what have I learnt?

1. Driving without insurance will get your car crushed
2. Being found with drugs on you will result in a street caution.
3. Finding a cannabis farm in your loft will get them repotted in the Blue Peter garden
4. Anything that doesn't involve a high speed pursuit across the country, the writing off of any number of police cars and street furniture will result in 20 hours of community service.
5. They never discover large financial fraud.

What has this got to do with museums I hear you ask? I've learnt that crime pays. More specifically some crimes aren't punished. However I would hesitate to recommend museum managers from starting a programme of massive financial mismanagement (no more than usual anyway) as that would negatively affect museum sustainability. No, be more entrepreneurial, with selective, 'heritage' events.

The answer, as I have found constantly throughout my life is sex and drugs and rock n' roll (although not necessarily in that order, and not necessarily including the sex bit, or the drugs).

1. Sleepovers aren't just for kids. Remember only street prostitution is illegal, so keep it indoors. Historical re-enactments can be hands on, it will involve partnership working (local massage parlour?), raise health awareness issues and attract the over 45 male audience (constantly underrepresented in visitor demographics). Although how well believed errant husbands will be by their wives when they say, 'I'm just popping out to the museum'. Yet it will be true.

2. The really difficult audience is the male 16-24 audience. The answer - laudanum (a very morish tincture of brandy, herbs and opium). Again it raises awareness of health issues, encourages partnership working (I've heard the Russian mafia is particularly enlightened in this respect), and solves the question of how to encourage repeat visitors. So when young Johnny is arrested he demands his one phone call is to be to the local museum you know you are onto  a winner.

3. Rock and Roll. If One Direction and Justin Beiber have taught us, is that spotty boys with interesting hair are guaranteed to relieve pre-pubescent girls of all their pocket money. So get the boy who has the weekend paper round to come and sing in the foyer and watch yet another underrepresented demographic come charging through the door screaming. Given that poor standards of spelling amongst the youth of our nation. A temporary 'No Direction' exhibition (highlighting the museum's new strategic plan) or 'Just In Beaver' exhibition (focussing on the museum's latest acquisition into our natural history collection) will have them flocking in.

Don't say that museums are unsustainable, just say that museums that we have conceived them in the past are unsustainable. The museum of the future is lively and full of life and death. They may even be interesting enough to have documentaries made out of them. 'Police Intermuseums' coming to a minor cable channel soon.

Ideal Gift for a Curator?

It's the curator's birthday next week and I was looking for something inspirational that challenges his/her* way of thinking. So I searched for 'entrepreneurial gifts' on the internet and came across www.startupvitamins.com purveyor of trite/inspirational soundbites in physical form. A quick perusal of their merchandise revealed this gem. If nothing else, if the curator follows this mantra it will free up some space in our stores.

I've not seen him/her for many months and to be honest I've forgotten

More Words of Inspiration

Visitor Services

Rome built a great empire by killing all those who opposed them. Those they could not kill they built a wall to keep them out.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Management

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 

A manager who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Prioritisation

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY

Digitisation

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 

Teamwork

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 

Never under estimate the power of very stupid people in large groups

Time Management

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 

We waste time so you don't have to

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

Interpretation

Plagiarism saves time.

Inspiration

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away

The beatings will continue until morale improves

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break

In the End

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Inspiring the troops for the new Season

March is nearly upon us and thoughts are turning towards the new visitor season. As usual I have been preparing my inspirational speeches to the new staff and volunteers recruited for the summer. I find that plagiarism saves a lot of time. With a few slight adjustments they can be made to work.

e.g. "Friends, staff, volunteers, send me your biscuits" 

I understand academics have a problem with plagiarism, which is why they spend an inordinate amount of time trying to say the same thing in a different way. The difference is they don't have a proper job or troops to manage, in which case plagiarism becomes your friend.

I wonder what you think about the following speech to welcome the season's new volunteers.

"Good Morning. You volunteers now have the privilege of serving under the meanest, toughest, screamingest volunteer coordinator in the Museum sector. ME!
Now, I don't want you to consider me as just your coordinator. I want you to look on me like I was, well - God. If I say something, you pretend it's coming from the burning bush. Now, we're members of the proudest, most elite group of museum volunteers in the history of the world. We are volunteers! Museum volunteers! We have no other function. That is our mission and you are either gonna hack it or pack it. Do you read me?Within thirty days, I am gonna lead the toughest, volunteeringest sons-of-bitches in the world. The Museum of Unreason Volunteer Crew will make history come alive, or it will die trying. Now, you're  with Frank Unreason now, and I kid you not, this is the eye of the storm.Now, a museum is a team - it collects, conserves, interprets, educates as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the newspapers don't know anything more about real museum work than they do about fornicating. Now, we have the finest acid free paper and monitoring equipment, the best spirit, and the best volunteers in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those poor visitors we're goin' to deal with. By God, I do. We're not just gonna welcome the bastards, we're going to kidnap their living hearts with intuitive interactives and home made cream teas. We're going to make those lousy visitors enjoy themselves by the bushel."

I am indebted to Bull Meecham in 'The Great Santini' (1979) for inspiring this speech

Self censorship versus honesty - Warning Explicit!

When I was planning my blog about Philip Larkin and his poem 'This Be the Verse', I spent some time thinking about how I would approach his 'tricky' words. As anyone involved in museum interpretation knows I had to think about my audience, the age of the readers, the likelihood of causing offence etc. Would a warning be needed? Would I go for The Guardian newspaper approach of liberal full spelling honesty, or the faux censorship by removing some of the letters and replacing them with '*' without actually obscuring what the word actually is. In the end I assumed the readers of my blog were basically illiterate and and it didn't matter what was written so I thought f**k 'em and ploughed on regardless. Well not really - my decision was the product of logical thinking.

Why bother obscuring a word without actually obscuring the full offensive violence that it incorporates. It is a cop out. If I wrote 'Donald T***p' rather than 'Donald Trump' does it lessen all the offensive idiocy that that name implies? Not in the slightest. But if I genuinely tried to remove the offensiveness that he embodies I would end up writing  '*o**** **u**' then we are reduced to gibberish. You see it is tricky.

But me being a clever genius sort of person. I asked myself, what would happen if I used '*' to just obscure normal words - what would happen? Here is a small sample below of quotes by famous people given the Museum of Unreason treatment (the actual words are shown at the end of the blog).

1. "Those who dare to f*** miserably can achieve greatly" John F Kennedy

2. "The greatest accomplishment is not in ever f***ing, but in rising again after you f***." Vince Lombardi

3. "Great acts are made up of s**** deeds" Lao Tzu

4. "Only passions, great passions can elevate the s*** to great things" Denis Diderot

5. "I have learned to use the word '**********' with the greatest caution" Wernher Von Braun

6. "All great thoughts are achieved by w**king" Friedrich Nietzsche

7. "Behind every great fortune lies a great c****" Honore de Balzac

The answer is it makes them really filthy - be honest with yourself it does.

What about replacing the word 'fuck' with a less offensive term such as 'enthusiastic sexual intercourse'. That seems to imply a more high minded approach to the subject. So lets apply this to the Philip Larkin himself. What would the opening line of 'This Be the Verse' now look like - it won't scan, but that's not the point I'm trying to  make.

'They indulge in vigorous sexual intercourse with you, your mum and dad'

I really don't think Larkin had incest in mind when he wrote the poem; and yet again trying to move away from the original word makes the meaning even ruder.


So the answer to the self censorship conundrum is now clear. To use the word 'fuck' is a true and honest approach. To use the word 'f**k' is the product of dirty mind making minds even dirtier. To alter the word entirely changes the meaning and will probably land you in gaol.

You can thank me later.


The original words
1. fail
2. falling & fall
3. small
4. soul
5. impossible
6. walking
7. crimes

Very Witty Oscar

It is a little known fact that when Oscar Wilde attended Oxford in 1874 he volunteered at the Ashmolean Museum as a room steward in the Cast Gallery. It was there he met General Pitt Rivers and it was an even lesser known fact that he encouraged him to open a museum with his collection on the basis that it was, 'unspeakable and uneatable'. It took 10 years for Pitt Rivers to be convinced of the basic inedibility of his collection and open the museum. Yet Oscar Wilde was given no credit for all the effort.

In later years when in exile it is thought he yearned for his salad days checking displays for excessive humidity levels with his whirling hygrometer.  His last recorded words were in fact,

 "I could resist everything except condensation."

In the Trinity College archives in Dublin there are early versions of his plays. Lady Windermere's Fan's working title was Lazy Curator's Air Conditioning Unit. Wiser counsel prevailed upon him to change the plot to a case of suspected marital infidelity from an argument between curators over the lux levels on a museum's collection of watercolours.

"We are all in the stores, but some of us are looking more closely at the light levels."

is now more famously remembered as

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." 

In fact many of his famous witticisms had their museological elements removed to appeal to a wider audience. Lord Alfred Douglas 'Bosie' was in fact the Dr. Watson to Wilde's Sherlock Holmes, writing up his activities and 'improving' them for posterity. I know this because I picked up one of his unpublished notebooks in a charity shop in Paris last week and it jots down Oscar Wilde's original words before Bosie got to work on them.

"All museum managers become like their chair of trustees. That is their tragedy. No curator does that is his"

"Accessioning is a serviceable substitute for wit"

"To love one's collection is the beginning of a lifelong friendship"

"No unethical disposal goes unpunished"

"Museums are far too important ever to talk seriously about"

"Only dull people are brilliant at interpretation"

"There is only one thing worse than being a curator, and that is not being a curator"

"A curator's object is his autobiography, an interpreter's panel is his work of fiction"

"Visitor services is simply the name for our attitude towards people we don't like"

"If one cannot enjoy visiting a museum over and over again, there is no use visiting it at all"

"Object labels are rarely pure and never simple"

"The exhibitions that the world calls immoral are exhibitions that show the world its own shame"

"Museums are meant to be loved, not understood"

"Some museum volunteers cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go"

The literary world's gain was the museum world's loss.

Ten Reasons To Visit A Museum

Last week's blog giving you reasons not to visit museums hasn't seen an appreciable drop in visitor numbers to the museums, but and appreciable increase in professional disgruntlement with me. So by way of reasoned balance I thought I would give ten reasons why you should visit a museum. I suppose I shouldn't expect a large increase in visitor numbers as a result. I'm beginning to get the feeling my blog isn't as influential as I thought. Anyway, down to business.

1. Museums are Free! Or at worst a very cheap day out

Do you need a cultural fix? How about La Traviata at the Royal Opera House? That can set you back £200 for a couple of hours being shrieked at by a big boned woman dressed in a tent. What about something more downmarket? How about the latest Star Wars film in 3D. That is a much more comfortable at £14.50 to see how Harrison Ford's arthritis is getting on for a couple of hours.  NO! Pop up the road to the British Museum to see the greatest collection of art and artefacts that human ingenuity has ever created. All for free. Yes there are some objects even older than Harrison Ford, or even bigger than your average soprano. Even better - your experience is not time limited, you can spend all day there and go back the next day and the day after that. In what other universe can you get the best of something for free? Go now before the British Museum has to hand it all back.

Alas some museums are forced to charge nowadays. Yet they are still incredibly cheap. Even the National Trust properties are cheaper than a west end cinema ticket, the visits last 4 times longer and you'll probably leave smelling of lavender.

Value for money? Abso-bloody-lutely! Visit now before museums get wise and actually charge what they are actually worth. 

2. You can talk in Museums

Unlike me you probably go to the movies, or the opera, or the theatre in a social group. But what can you do in a museum that you can't in La Traviata or Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Need a clue? Talk, socialise and otherwise interact with your fellow human beings. Try clearing your throat during a classical concert let alone debate how inspired Mozart's basso continuo is in the recitative. In the first instance your companion will shift slightly uncomfortably in the second he/she will be calling for you to be thrown out. Now go to the Tate Modern and see Alexander Calder's performing sculpture (on until 3rd April 2016) and now discuss your thoughts as to how his work reveals by what means motion, performance and theatricality underpinned his artistic vision. Your companion will nod appreciatively, say it more loudly and large numbers of Japanese tourists will start following you. The point is, a museum is a social space, a place for debate, a place for normal human beings to interact and enjoy one another's company (I naturally exclude Historic England's horrid audio tours of their archaeological sites from this) in a safe environment. Visit a museum this weekend and reinforce your social network.

3. Museums make you happy

An experience = a memory. Being lost on the Yorkshire Moors in the fog and freezing rain is a bad memory I try to forget. Standing in front of the Antioch Chalice in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York is an experience I will never want to forget. It is a memory for life. That memory will be an eternal pleasure. We also treasure accomplishments, they give us deeper personal meaning. Objects interpreted in museums challenge our ideas of beauty, culture and life. They can affirm and reaffirm and add to a meaningful sense of our identity. 

All of this can be had for less than the price of a three pack of pants from Marks and Spencer, and my pants add significantly less meaning to my life. 

I'm even smiling now at the memory (of the chalice not my pants). Do that exercise now and I guarantee you will smile. Visit a museum this weekend and give yourself more reasons to smile.

4. Museums are the memories of society

When the Egyptians learned to communicate through writing, they chose hieroglyphs That knowledge was lost for 1000 years and even nowadays only professional Egyptologists have a working knowledge of the language. Yet even the youngest school child can access Egyptian culture through the objects. Writing has limited access, objects have a universal language made accessible through museums. Museums are not archives and they are not books. Museums objects are the portals into other worlds, other cultures or even our own past. Thematic museums are the time machines to greater knowledge and understanding of history and of society. No previous education needed. That is why, unlike any other medium, museums are the most crucial of our cultural institutions. Without museums society will be infected with cultural Alzheimers. Visit your local museum now and ease the strain on the NHS.

5. Museums are a key part of Britain's rich heritage

If you live in a city you will be very close to a museum, and probably around the corner from an ancient monument, next door to a listed building and you may even allow your dog to poop in a registered park or garden. If you live in a town or village you will probably be in a conservation area and near a heritage centre, picnic area or preserved Mark 4 telephone box.  If you live in a rural area you might already be trespassing on National Trust land. You'll certainly be near a National Park, a Site of Special Scientific Interest, a cycle route and a public footpath. Your local railway line is probably steam powered. All these riches have been preserved to make the country we live in a uniquely rich historic environment. In other words, all this makes Britain a better place to live. Because we have so much heritage it is easy to let things go in piecemeal fashion. This is the fate of museums at the moment. Yet they provide the key storage and interpretation of humanity's material culture that cannot be kept elsewhere. It is done locally, regionally and nationally. Have I mentioned most of them are free? So visit a museum and keep Britain being Britain.

6. Museums make money for the economy 

L ets get down to brass tacks and talk in terms that politicians can understand. What is the point of culture? More specifically what is the point of heritage? Why should it be supported through taxation? How about: £26.4bn contribution to the economy (2011 figures)' that is £6bn more than sport does and accounts for 2% of GDP (agriculture is only 1%). It should be noted that curators are paid significantly less than premiership footballers (I would be very happy if this error was rectified). Over 393,000 jobs are directly created and a total of 69 million day visits are made to heritage sites with 62p of every £1 spent going into the local economy. So visit a museum today and keep me in a job. Also petition your local councillor if they are threatening to close your museum. The cost to the economy and the community will be dearer than the savings made.

7. Museums are fun

Whisper it quietly but go to your local museum and you might be in danger of having fun. That fun is multilayered. There can be tranquil spaces for rest and contemplation from the hustle and bustle of the Twenty First Century.  Next door there may be loud spaces full of noise and laughter and creativity. Interactive spaces for family learning. A cafe for discussion and reflection. An increasing choice of interpretive tools are now at your disposal. You can take photos, selfies might even be encouraged. Your opinion will be valued. If you haven't visited since you were a schoolchild 40 years ago you will be shocked that museums 'ain't what they used to be'.

8. Museums enrich your knowledge

Do you want to make more of a contribution to your pub quiz team? Visit a museum. Studies show that longer term recall of a learning experience happens in a museum. Longer than any other method of consumption. Its the unique experience, the kinaesthetic interaction with people and objects, the dramatic location all mean the learning is more deeply embedded in your brain. Add the learning to the pleasant memories that you will have and not only will you become your pub quiz team star, you'll have a smile on your face when doing it.

9. There is a museum for every subject and every taste

I have blogged before about the breadth of museums that populate our small planet. If you have an interest in pens and pencils you will be spoilt for choice. Baked beans, toilet seats, dog collars, soil - you name it there is a museum with your name on it. If you are interested in sex you can get as much museum action as you want (and reasonably priced too). If you like fast cars, slow cars, buses, trains, trams, traction engines, fire engines, ambulances, police cars, tractors, bicycles, or carriages you don't have to travel far. Name an industry and there will be a museum for it. Think of a famous person and you'll find a museum. Think of a range of fictional people and you'll find a museum for them. Just go to platform 9 3/4 at Kings Cross for the train to 221B Baker Street. If you have an interest in anything there will be someone out there in the world waiting for you to visit and join them. Visit your museum this weekend and begin volunteering with like minded people.

10. Museums host great events

If you cannot escape the shackles of weekend retail therapy, then there will be an alternative available to you at a museum. Weekends would never be the same without antique fairs, classic car shows, historical re-enactments, nature trails, Easter egg hunts, teddy bear picnics, craft events, open air theatre, war weekends, sleepovers, behind the scenes tours, beer festivals, cinema nights, Christmas markets etc. etc. The list is as endless as the imagination of museum staff and volunteers. An astounding level of commitment and creativity is going on across the nation on a weekly basis. Meadowhall, Lakeside, Bluewater pah! A cheaper and more fun time is to be had at your local museum - remember reason number 1? You will have an experience you won't forget and you'll still have some money left to feed your children.

So there it is, some compelling reasons why museums are good for you, regardless of whether you visit or not. But even better for you if you do visit. So make the effort and go along this weekend and regularly thereafter. Your life will change for the better, society will be happier and you will have helped guarantee the existence of an important cultural institution for a little bit longer.

Happy visiting!