More Words of Inspiration

Visitor Services

Rome built a great empire by killing all those who opposed them. Those they could not kill they built a wall to keep them out.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Management

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 

A manager who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Prioritisation

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY

Digitisation

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 

Teamwork

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 

Never under estimate the power of very stupid people in large groups

Time Management

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 

We waste time so you don't have to

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

Interpretation

Plagiarism saves time.

Inspiration

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away

The beatings will continue until morale improves

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break

In the End

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

What does your museum role say about you?*

It is readily accepted that, in the museum world, the only people you think are normal are the ones that you don't know very well. But does the role you play in the museum say something about you? The following is based on the staff and volunteers at the Museum of Unreason. Any similarity between them and the rest of the human race is entirely coincidental.

Museum Marketing - Outgoing Alcoholic - you possess a degree and had the reputation of being rarely sober and throwing excellent parties at University. Your general belief is the job requires more of the same. You are ambitious and believe that you can drink your way to the top. Also, you believe that the marketing budget is never big enough and that if you handed over all the cash to the marketing team and employed competent sales employees 'they will come'.

Museum Sales - Paranoid Loner - you don't possess a degree but had the reputation of attending all the same parties at University as the museum marketer before dropping out. You avoid customers like the plague in order to work on the 'strategy'. As a result you have a very low golf handicap and you hate the marketing department for wasting all the museum money.

Museum IT Specialist - Uncontrollable Geek - you have no detectable personal life but are in complete command of everything that happens at the museum. Possibly foreign, or at least in possession of a language degree, because no-one can understand a word you say. You even have acronyms for acronyms. The Chief Executive comes to you for advice and does everything you say.

Museum Accountant - Fearsomely Insane - you talk softly and wield a big spreadsheet; immune to gossip, office politics and disorganisation. You are approached with trepidation and your extreme personal wealth is probably the product supreme income efficiency.

Museum Human Resources - Grim Reaper's Less Pleasant Younger Sibling - you are rarely seen, except when bad news is expected. Your ability to seemingly float along the corridors is often commented upon. Nobody has ever seen your reflection in a mirror and as a consequence you are never invited to the pub, but you know all the gossip - how?

Museum Manager - Spineless Cutthroat - you are in your job for life as you're unemployable elsewhere. You measure success by the number of meetings held and decisions avoided. But, you are still invited to the pub, if only to pay for the drinks.

Visitor Service Officer - Cheery Suicide Risk - you are perpetually torn between having a break down and sleeping with the manager to get a promotion. Your relationship with the public is 'complicated' and you feel undervalued by the senior staff. However, solace is found in excessive shopping and cocktails.

Museum Curator - Insecure with a God Complex - you are the blue riband employee of the organisation. You are the most valuable person in your own mind, but the most expendable in everyone else's. To justify your existence you simply mention 'accreditation' and 'backlog' and retreat to the stores for a week when in reality you actually are running a restaurant on Corfu.

Museum Chief Executive - A Lucky Lucky Bastard - you got to the top because you thought you would, but your inability to use a computer, or know what accreditation is, suggests you are more lucky than brilliant. You have innate good sense to move on before your cock ups are noticed and the museum is forced to close.

Museum Volunteer - The Willingly Unwilling Martyr - you know the museum wouldn't function without you, staff knows the museum doesn't function with you. You know there are useful things you do, the staff know all the things you don't/won't or can't do. You know the staff are ungrateful but you are careful to let the staff know you are doing everything for free and giving up your free time to do this.

*This blog was written sometime ago and following the latest staff review the museum volunteer is now the marketing/sales/visitor services manager, the Chief Executive has 'moved on', the accountant has retired to Worthing, the human resources manager now runs authentic ghost tours in Milton Keynes, the curator hasn't been seen for some months and the IT Specialist was actually found to be a Bulgarian immigrant looking for work who thought the museum was the local YMCA (he now runs a car washing service on the High Road). In the meantime I continue to fulfil my role as museum manager with due diligence and professionalism.

Ideal Christmas presents for museum staff

As a museum director you probably used to be above sending gifts to staff. Unfortunately due to the spate of redundancies you now have half the staff you had at the beginning of the year. As a result, may I suggest, there will be morale issues to address. You've already given yourself a pay rise to compensate for the stress of making people redundant (at least I have). What better than a thoughtful gift from you to show you care. But if like me you struggle to remember the names of the people who work for you and rely on 'Oi you there!' as a standard form of address to underlings, you need to admit you need help.

Never fear help is here. Specialist gifts for 'special' people

1. The Curator
An increasingly rare beast, a shadowy figure seen furtively blinking in natural light. I must admit I haven't seen mine in years. We leave food outside the door to the stores and it disappears so he is still alive. We had Kate Humble in for a pilot for a new programme 'Curatorwatch' but she failed to confirm a sighting of him let alone catch him mating. I understand that is the real reason she has resigned from the BBC.

So what to buy him? With green issues and sustainability in mind how about this? It is practical and symbolic of the regard I have for him. It'll help keep the stores clean as well.

2. Outreach Officer
An increasingly rare beast, a shadowy figure rarely seen outside of the pub. I must admit I haven't seen mine in years. She seems determined to save the planet from behind a large gin and tonic. She seems to have taken to claiming her increasing collection of tattoos on expenses as well. Her latest one is designed like a necklace with the words 'smile if you hate the boss' which seems to have helped morale. I've had 'laugh if you hate the staff' tattooed on my left buttock - it doesn't seem to have had the same effect.

So what to buy her? How about an edible can of endangered species? She can challenge her phobias whilst chewing on her ethics - perfect.

3. Visitor Services Officer
An increasingly flustered beast, rarely seen smiling at visitors. Her visitor 'focus' usually involves glaring at the foolish public who dare to cross the threshold until they go away thus performing a valuable service to the protection of our collections. What can you get such an outgoing and friendly individual? How about a nice pair of earrings?

4. Cleaner
An increasingly angry beast rarely seen cleaning. Although responsible for putting up the latest exhibition and delivering the learning associated with it, she could at least have mopped the floors while doing it. Is that too much to ask? Buy her something that gives her a sense of self worth. Nothing says that more than a pug t-shirt.

4. Museum Cat
An increasingly rare beast, a shadowy figure rarely seen when its not feeding time. How about making it not just rare but mythical with an inflatable unicorn horn? I see a new TV programme 'Mythwatch' in the new year.

Thus Christmas is celebrated, the team is bonded, staff morale and self worth suitably challenged. Somehow I feel another personal pay rise coming on.