Inspiring the troops for the new Season

March is nearly upon us and thoughts are turning towards the new visitor season. As usual I have been preparing my inspirational speeches to the new staff and volunteers recruited for the summer. I find that plagiarism saves a lot of time. With a few slight adjustments they can be made to work.

e.g. "Friends, staff, volunteers, send me your biscuits" 

I understand academics have a problem with plagiarism, which is why they spend an inordinate amount of time trying to say the same thing in a different way. The difference is they don't have a proper job or troops to manage, in which case plagiarism becomes your friend.

I wonder what you think about the following speech to welcome the season's new volunteers.

"Good Morning. You volunteers now have the privilege of serving under the meanest, toughest, screamingest volunteer coordinator in the Museum sector. ME!
Now, I don't want you to consider me as just your coordinator. I want you to look on me like I was, well - God. If I say something, you pretend it's coming from the burning bush. Now, we're members of the proudest, most elite group of museum volunteers in the history of the world. We are volunteers! Museum volunteers! We have no other function. That is our mission and you are either gonna hack it or pack it. Do you read me?Within thirty days, I am gonna lead the toughest, volunteeringest sons-of-bitches in the world. The Museum of Unreason Volunteer Crew will make history come alive, or it will die trying. Now, you're  with Frank Unreason now, and I kid you not, this is the eye of the storm.Now, a museum is a team - it collects, conserves, interprets, educates as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the newspapers don't know anything more about real museum work than they do about fornicating. Now, we have the finest acid free paper and monitoring equipment, the best spirit, and the best volunteers in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those poor visitors we're goin' to deal with. By God, I do. We're not just gonna welcome the bastards, we're going to kidnap their living hearts with intuitive interactives and home made cream teas. We're going to make those lousy visitors enjoy themselves by the bushel."

I am indebted to Bull Meecham in 'The Great Santini' (1979) for inspiring this speech