Moby Dick: or The Whale Museum

Admit it, none of you have read Moby Dick.  Actually, it is the story of the struggle of a senior curator to collect specimens for his museum's natural history collection. Understandably it and has gone down in history as a classic of American literature. Think of it as the written equivalent of Night at the Museum 2.

What many people don't know is that the famous quotes from the book actually relate to the management of the Pequod Wing of the Whale Museum under the watchful director Capt. Ahab. Let me give you the context to save you reading the book.


“I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing.”

Ahab expresses curiosity at the Senior Interpretion Officer's plan to collaborate on the next temporary exhibition with Clowns International*.


"Better to sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunk Christian."

The Education Manager working out the rules for the new schools sleepover initiative in the World Cultures gallery.


“As for me, I am tormented with an everlasting itch for things remote."

The Conservator begins to suspect pest infestation in the Himalayan Wild Yak specimens.


“for there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men ”

The Museum Manager begins to regret setting up a suggestion box in the volunteers' rest room.


“Ignorance is the parent of fear.”

Reception staff realise that modern infant naming has moved on in the 21st Century.


“...to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.”

Ishmael's six monthly appraisal gets off to a confrontational start.


“Think not, is my eleventh commandment; and sleep when you can, is my twelfth.”

The Gallery Assistant explains a possible reason why an expensive work of art went missing on his watch.


“See how elastic our prejudices grow when once love comes to bend them.”

The team building away day gets off to an interesting start.


“Let faith oust fact; let fancy oust memory; I look deep down and do believe.”

The Interpreter's response to criticism by a local Professor regarding historical inaccuracies in the latest exhibition .


“There is all the difference in the world between paying and being paid.”

The Union's response to the suggestion, in an attempt to make the museum sustainable, that staff should pay to come to work.work


“There she blows!-there she blows!”

The gas boiler breaks again!




*It really exists https://www.clownsinternational.com

The Trump Guide to Museum Management

Shallow people don't appreciate the genius of the leader of the free world. Can we in the museum world learn from the great man? I have taken, what has clearly been a labour of love by the good people at Marie Claire* to pull together quotes. Many of the quotes are beyond belief, never mind beyond parody. But let us see if I can apply them to the museum sector. If he can use them and get elected president of the US, surely I can adapt them to keep my job in the museum.

TRUMP
”Any negative polls are fake news, just like the CNN, ABC, NBC polls in the election. Sorry, people want border security and extreme vetting.”

MUSEUM

"Any reports of a drop in visitor numbers to the new exhibition are fake, British Museum 6.7 million visitor figures are laughable. Sorry, people want reduced opening hours and extreme entrance fees"


TRUMP
“Watched protests yesterday but was under the impression that we just had an election! Why didn’t these people vote? Celebs hurt cause badly.”

MUSEUM

"Watched people protesting at our new Jimmy Saville exhibition that we have just opened! Why didn't they see it before objecting to it. Celebs exhibitions hurt museum visitors badly."


TRUMP
“We are going to have an unbelievable, perhaps record-setting turnout for the inauguration, and there will be plenty of movie and entertainment stars. All the dress shops are sold out in Washington. It’s hard to find a great dress for this inauguration.”

MUSEUM
"We are going to have an unbelievable, perhaps record-setting visitor numbers for the new exhibition, and there will be plenty of tea and cake. I won't turn up as all the charity shops appear to have sold out of 56" regular trousers. I am not going to the opening undressed." 

TRUMP “Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Love!”

MUSEUM
"Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies in senior management who have ignored me and lost my emails asking for a pay rises, they just don't recognise genius. Love!" 


TRUMP
 “An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud”

MUSEUM

"An 'extremely credible source' has called my manager and told him I was really off sick and was not spotted on TV putting on a bet at the Cheltenham Festival." Thanks mum.


TRUMP
“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again – just watch. He can do much better!”

MUSEUM

"The V&A should not take on Tristram Hunt. Mark my words he will create new exhibition on dogs - just watch. I can do much better!"


TRUIMP
 “Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.”

MUSEUM

"Female curators that are more successful than me are unattractive, both inside and out. I now fully understand why I am not married - they made a good decision"

TRUMP
 “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.” 

MUSEUM
"I will curate a great exhibition - and nobody creates exhibitions better than me, believe me - and I do it as cheaply as possible. I will curate a great, great exhibition in our southern display room, and I will make the London borough of Croydon pay for that exhibition. Mark my words."


TRUMP
“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bring crime. They’re rapists… And some, I assume, are good people.”

MUSEUM
"When people visit the museum from Croydon, they're not sending the best. They're not sending people like me, they're sending people that have lots of complaints about the service  and they're bringing those children with them. They're bringing their own packed lunches. They bring grime. They're Papists...and some I assume will spend money in the shop.


TRUMP

“Our great African-American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore.”

MUSEUM

"Our great chair of trustees hasn't exactly had a positive impact on stopping visitors who are so happily and openly disturbing my sleep during office hours."


TRUMP
“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

MUSEUM

"All of the women who visit the museum try to avoid me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected."


TRUMP

“One of they key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.”

MUSEUM

"One of the key problems today is that museums are such a disgrace. Good people don't go into the museum profession."

TRUMP
“It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”

MUSEUM

"It's freezing and snowing in my office - we need to be able to afford to turn on the museum heating!"


TRUMP
“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

MUSEUM
"I've said if I had a daughter, perhaps that would mean I actually had a girlfriend in my past.'


TRUMP

“I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”

MUSEUM

"I have never seen anyone fat or thin drinking anything in the museum cafe."

TRUMP
“I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.”

MUSEUM

"I think the only difference between me and the other museum curators is that I'm more honest about the artefacts I've dropped and the women who avoid me are more beautiful."

TRUMP
“My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.”

MUSEUM

"My exhibitons have become so powerful that I cannot actually tell what the truth is anymore."


TRUMP
“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”

MUSEUM

"My IQ is one of the highest - and I know it! Its just the visitors that are stupid or insecure. It's not their fault."

*Many thanks to Marie Claire http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/entertainment/people/donald-trump-quotes-57213

Did Museums Cause Brexit?

Did museums cause Brexit? Or at least could we have predicted Brexit from our museums' output?

With the imminent withdrawal of the UK from the EU in 2019 (29th March for those wanting to plan a party or, alternatively a wake) and the latest speech from our beloved Prime Minister promoting a typically British compromise of a hard soft Brexit or a soft hard Brexit. Its a bit like a Jaffa Cake that is a week past its sell-by date and not particularly appetising for those wanting either a ginger snap or a buttermilk shortbread.

Who is to blame for this biscuit related mess? Well, museums of course. Let me explain.

As any historian will tell you there are long term causes and immediate ones. For example WWI was caused both by Franz Ferdinand's driver taking a wrong turn in Sarajevo in 1914 AND the emigration of the first homo sapiens out of Africa two million years ago. Obviously some events have a more direct impact than others, so which are the most important? The second point to make is that historians are always wrong. This is made obvious by the fact that no-one is blaming museums for Brexit (or thanking us if you are one of the majority). So here we go.

1. The Industrial Museum
I started work in museums in the 1980s and along with many others was made unemployed almost instantly as Britain changed beyond all recognition. Here's a few statistics. Two million jobs were lost in the first half of that decade, almost all in the north (94%). Obviously this was a long term trend and continued after the Thatcher years, but it was most acute 79-86 and in my view encouraged by the government that didn't seem to care about the consequences. All the new wealth created was concentrated in the south and east of the country. For us northerners our industrial identity (mining, shipbuilding, steel etc.) was removed in a heartbeat. What replaced it? Industrial heritage, industrial museums, living history was the answer for a society still grieving from loss. Worse still the audience for these places was not the same audience who were losing their jobs, their dignity and their identity. Well meaning attempts to engage with these audiences then collapsed after 2010 when museums had hard choices to make and outreach and educational activities were the first to be cut. To add insult to injury these middle class statements of loss were heavily funded by Europe.

2. The Heritage Centre. 

As museums we are keen to create safe spaces for debate and understanding the complexity of the world. Multiple perspectives, collaborative curation have reduced the certainty of what a museum is. Historians argue that museum exhibitions are bad history. Curators fire back that they are dealing with a different audience and having more impact than many historians. Primarily the audience deal with is the older person. We are an ageing population, both the audience and volunteers for museums are primarily older. Thus we are engaging them in our cleaned up organised past that they are already nostalgic about. Not just bad history, but an idealised past, a pre-European Union past, a whiter past, a past with less social disintegration. No wonder there is a belief that post Brexit there will be a return to a new world trading empire. Thus not only an idealised past but a nostalgic future. Lets call that the Boris Johnson approach

3. The Immigration Museum.

One of the key drivers of the Brexit vote was immigration. In 1994 the Labour Government opened up UK borders to the new members of the EU. The predicted 10,000 a year immigration was somewhat of an underestimate as immigrants in their hundreds of thousands came to these shores. Good immigration depends on gradual integration, acceptance and adjustment on both sides. It cannot be forced it has to happen organically. Big cities are more used to this and are set up to deal with it in terms of facilities and inhabitant psychology.  Other ares haven't had the chance to develop this mindset and the ongoing pressures on schools, NHS etc. see politicians find new scapegoats to blame and easy financial solutions to take back CONTROL. In this maelstrom what do museums do? Let go of control and send the message that we are all migrants and if we came together in safe spaces we would understand and all get on. A hippy message, a subtle message, an inclusive message, that lacked strength, passion and  purpose and most importantly an audience that wasn't listening. The inclusivity completely failed to give voice to the fear, anger and disorientation in many areas of the country which would be the starting point of rebuilding hope and self worth, before they were asked THAT question in June 2016.

4. The Battle of Britain Flight 

I had a dream that, when WWII disappears from living memory, our national obsession with it would fade with it. Having grown up with adults telling me that they fought in the war for me, with the expectation that I would be somehow grateful,  I looked forward to the day when I could tell the younger generation that I curated a museum on their behalf and would witness the sense of wonder and gratitude in their eyes. But...our obsession grows, war weekends are taking over the summer. Every museum feels it must address it in some way. I will relate an experience I had sitting in a pub when England played Germany at football. An England player badly fouled his opponent and there was a cheer and one rather emotional young man said, "That's for Hitler!'. Will we ever develop a grown up relationship with Germany? Or even the idea of Germany? Or will we be forever be morally superior and most importantly, separate.  Museums should make a difference, they should help us move on? Or in a new era of sustainability we subsume our ethics for the promotion of stereotypes and myths.

5. The Curation of Complacency

Any discussion I had pre Referendum, had a rhythm to it. It was going to be close but we would never leave. It was unthinkable. We have missed the fact that society is changing fast and we in museums are paddling fast, but are being swept away by a lack of economic sustainability and cultural relevancy. We have the same audience demographic that we had in the 1970s, but I have long since stopped riding my Raleigh Chopper bike, perhaps museums should do the same.

What if....Donald Trump became Director of the Museums Association?

Unexpected things happen.

Leicester City wins the Premier League, Richard III is found in a car park and the X Factor winner didn't get the Christmas number 1 this year. Weird things occasionally happen.

Arguably the most unexpected occurrence recently was the election of a wealthy reality TV star in the USA. Given that he seems to be making a bit of a hash of it, he might leave his post early. He may even be run out of the country by an angry mob. If this did happen where will he go? As he told the great Piers Piers Morgan himself,

“I love Scotland. One of the biggest problems I have in winning, I won’t be able to get back there so often. I would love to go there. As you know, before this happened, I would be there a lot."

So once there he needs to have a hobby, I confidently predict he will establish his Trump Museum purely out of revenge for the Guggenheim having refused to lend him a Van Gogh. But given the slightly scattershot nature to his bilious vendettas he will get his own back on us.

“If someone attacks you, do not hesitate. Go for the jugular.”

My guess, he will go for the most ancient and august museum body in Britain...the Museums Association. There is a director at the moment, the fine and distinctly northern Sharon Heal. She would clearly make a better President of the USA than Donald, let alone of the Museums Association. But she has a fatal flaw. She lacks a strong connection to the Russian mafia. Thus, a bit of fake news here, a little vote rigging there, and 'lock her up' chants will be ringing around Clerkenwell Close before you can say museums change lives.

So what is Donald Trump's perspective on museums. The clever money suggests he doesn't know what one is let alone visited one. Therefore we can expect fresh thinking and fresh action.

Will he learn about museums? He will do so, and very quickly, if his confidence about getting to grips with missiles was not misplaced.

“It would take an hour and a half to learn everything there is to learn about missiles. … I think I know most of it anyway.”

He will be confident. When the MA lobbies government,

"We're going to have so many victories, you will be bored of winning."

In his Art of the Deal, he may have already come painfully close to the truth about museums

"You can create excitement, you can do wonderful promotion and get all kinds of press, and you can throw in a little hyperbole. But if you don't deliver the goods, people will eventually catch on."

Also,

"You need energy.In [museums]*, you need energy as well as brains. Brains is always number one, but you need energy."

This is all potentially positive, but I suspect his support for museums may come at a price.

"I'm interested in protecting none of them unless they pay"

So you can expect your MA membership subscription will go up somewhat alarmingly.

Also we may be faced with:

• A big, beautiful new museum that Mexico will pay for
• 50,000 new jobs in the National Mining Museum
• A ban on Muslims entering all museums
• Arming 20% of curators
• Tariffs on object loans from overseas museums
• The claim that the Eden Project is a Chinese hoax
• The next MA conference to be held at Mar-a-Lago

So on reflection, we should keep Sharon Heal for the time being.  So, in order to save our museums
lets hope DT manages to make America great again.

*authors addition - replacing 'life'

Hail to the Advective and the return of the LY

With the liberal world wringing its hands and barely able to digest its falafel, parsley, mint and cilantro wrap at the unfolding Brexit/Trump populist tragedy. I have been able to rise above it all and have already identified the likely legacy of the Trump Administration - a new form of grammar. Satirists have latched onto BIGLY as part of the absurdity in communication that the leader of the free world indulges in. SAD!!

He has apparently said it on a number of occasions,

"I'm going to cut taxes bigly, and you're going to raise taxes bigly."
"We're going to win bigly"
"..they're taking it over bigly" 

History is now being re-written as Trump having said 'big league'. If that is the case I will be disappointed as bigly has a noble tradition as an adverb. Thomas Hardy used it in Far From The Madding Crowd,

"I don't see that I deserve to be put upon and stormed at for nothing!" concluded the small woman, bigly." (Chapter 30)

Trump is clearly paying homage to the British bucolic miserabilist poet, I suspect not fully intentionally, but a diet of Fox News and Breitbart may lead one into an English fantasist reverie that spawned the like of Hardy's Overlooking the River Stour (1916) when being oppressed by fake news from all sides

The swallows flew in the curves of an eight
Above the river-gleam
In the wet June's last beam
Like little crossbows animate
The swallows flew in the curves of an eight
Above the river-gleam

Actually I think that is just me. It is my safe space whenever I accidentally come across Sean Hannity (the US equivalent of Piers Morgan). Incidentally they are the possessors of the two most punchable faces in  the Western hemisphere.

Anyway I digress. I don't think Trump uses bigly as an adverb, and definitely not as an adjective, but as a curious new grammatical term - the advective. Part adverb, part adjective, part invective, part adenoid. Yet again one of the many unique innovations bestowed upon humanity by the great man.

He has brought to a screeching halt the dropping of the 'ly' in everyday English speech patterns. Have you quietly fumed when a football pundit opines that, 'the lad played exceptional'. Or bitten on your hand so hard that you drew blood when sitting on the Clapham omnibus and you overhear a young lady state confidently that she had applied her, 'lip gloss perfect'.

Trump has not only given us lies, he has given us LYs. All hail to the chief. He has reclaimed the endangered two letters lost to modern speech. Not only that he has repealed, reworked and reinterpreted it - just like Obamacare.

I hope he takes it further, perhaps all his future lies are told 'tallly', his Syrian options aren't taken 'nuclearly' , and his presidency is prematurely 'curtailedly'.

ALL HAIL TO THE CHIEFLY

Trumped I May be for a happy retirement

You've missed me haven't you. Exhausted after the Summer Olympics I went on a blogging sabbatical while I contemplated retirement. Luckily for you I'm still here and will return to the regular blogging business shortly. I still feel the need to tell you what to think and why I am right more than ever. That approach seemed so quaint a year ago, but I've found politicians have begun to take me seriously and are operating with my patented 'unreason' agenda. I need to take credit for this or at least correct their occasional misinterpretation of my philosophy. Better still gain power myself and show people how its really done.

I've realised that my retirement offers the potential of a more interesting life than I had previously envisioned. As the age of 70 approaches I've realised that being the president of the USA is not beyond me. Previously I thought you had to be a politician, but no! All you have to be is unreasonable. I thought you had to be an American, but then I realised all you had to do was lie. Apparently the previous president was from Kenya and the current one is from a different planet.
As the British have shown you can even become Prime Minister without even having to fight an election. Simple - my retirement is now sorted out. I will run a small to medium sized country for a few years.

OK so how to do it? I've been studying May and Trump closely and come up with a 5 point plan.

1. You need an enemy.
Should it be Poles, Mexicans or Muslims? No, they're all taken. In downtown Unreason, shouting about the danger of a massive influx of a pair of quantity surveyors from Cricklewood has not worked. I need a bigger population for everyone to fear. The Normans is the answer. They're basically French and they are everywhere, and they are MAL HOMMES. The French ddin't send us their best people William the Bastard anyone? Repatriate the Normans, block the Channel Tunnel and dig a moat (we already have one, but we just need to make it a bit deeper).

2. You need leather trousers and or a mail order bride.
I am still chafing after a misguided 10 minutes in the changing rooms at Top Shop after tussling with a pair of leather trousers. It gave the term rawhide a whole new meaning. So an advert in Autocar Magazine for a low mileage wife, recent model, preferably white should do the trick.

3. You need to disparage anybody who has a sensible opinion.
In our museum I have even taken to calling the visitors our 'so called public'.

5. Rig the election
I've started practising by looking for obituaries in the Unreason Bugle and signing the names I find into our museum visitor book to inflate the numbers. Next step I will register them as electors and when I stand in the local by election it will be the Day of the Living Dead all over again. I've set a target of 3 million. That should be enough (population of Unreason 15,874).

5. Come up with a catchy slogan
I've got 2. 'Lets make Unreasonableness great again' and 'UNREASON MEANS UNREASON'

My future is assured, lets hope there is still a world for me to run when my plan comes together.

Rio2016 - Why is Team GB so successful?

I feel forced to abandon my summer break from blogging to reflect on the Olympics 2016.

In reality, I've just been turned down for a Heritage Lottery Fund grant for a new pop up museum. 'Pop up' museums are all the rage, although I can't think of anything worse than sitting in a bus station waving my weird objects at people waiting for the no. 9 bus to Old Sodbury.  It needed reinventing before we're all forced to do it.

My idea was 'The Summer of Fun Pop Up Chateau of Unreason Museum'. In return for a modest capital investment from the public purse to purchase a modest pile in Provence, I would pop up for two weeks to make our museum international and develop an entirely new audience. In order to build on this, I would return every year, to cement relations in the bars and restaurants of Arles and Avignon. Sadly, as usual, I am a man ahead of my time and others do not see the visionary potential of the idea.

So I find myself in this country watching the TV through the night. A habit that usually costs me a lot of money after ten minutes of free viewing. But entirely for free I have been watching the Olympics with increasing incredulity as 'Team GB' hoover up the medals in the sports that the U.S.A. think are a bit gay and so do not try too hard to win.

As an aside 'Team GB' is an appropriate name, rather than 'Team UK' (and the Isle of Man and other Crown Dependencies etc.). The most obvious exclusive nature of the 'GB' moniker is to ignore Northern Ireland. Mind you, the idea of a 'Force UK' team would give sponsors second thoughts about associating their brands with FUK (French Connection excepted). Those complainers about 'Team GB' have missed the point. The Northern Irish athletes under the Anglo-Irish Agreement can compete for the Irish Republic - which most choose to do. So a more obvious question to me, is to ask 'Team Ireland' why they are not 'Team Ireland and a bit of the UK' or Team I and NI (TINI) which incidentally matches their medal haul.

This is not to be boastful about GB's success, I am in fact rather depressed about it. I long for the days in my youth, when I had more thumbs than we had gold medals (Pub Quiz Question - who won the only GB Gold medal at Atlanta 1996?*) - it was proportional, it was more suited to our character, and most importantly it allowed the BBC to actually show some sport.

Having watched a lot of the Olympics now. I have seen a lot of GB athletes wandering around in track suits, rather than seeing sport. I've seen a lot of sweaty GB athletes being asked how they feel, rather than seeing sport. I've seen a lot of inspirational profiles of GB athletes, rather than seeing sport. I've seen a lot of interviews with families of GB athletes, rather than seeing sport. I've actually watched some sport where the commentators seem to have forgotten that there are other athletes on the track at the same time as the GB athlete. In case we missed it I then get a repeat where the camera just focusses on the GB athlete so that we can actually pretend there were no other athletes actually present. I have seen endless repeats of all of the above, and I have then seen the news and highlights that only involved GB medal events. Complete ignoring of women's 200m. in news and highlights was a bit of a low.

So lets get back to athletic incompetence and rediscover the Olympics as a celebration of great athletic performance rather than national triumphalism (leave that to the U.S.A. they do that so much better than us and is more in line with their character).

Simple minded analysts have put the success down to lottery funding. £350m. of investment over the last four years for 50 medals to date is obviously money well spent. Isn't it? Well in terms of success per capita it is not. We get a medal for every 1.2m people. Yet Grenada get a medal for every 100,000. Grenada has no lottery, or major public funding and no obesity in the young crisis. Although India has a medal for every 1.3bn. people. If it ever gets its act together, or if Kabaddi is allowed into the Olympics, even China would need to watch out. If we were as successful as Grenada we would have to actually add new games to Olympics to win enough medals. By the way why is golf in the Olympics and squash and kabaddi are not?

Incidentally Grenada is also the most successful country by GDP. GB languishes in 30th place. India is also bottom of this league table.

OK, having made the case that GB is wasting public money, destroying the spirit of the Olympics and underperforming - the question is why are we so successful?

Athletes are quick to thank support teams, nutritionists and coaches. They go into holding camps in Soviet style luxury gulags and boost national confidence and international profile - just like East Germany in the Cold War. Obviously Team GB doesn't use performance enhancing drugs (they just accidentally miss the drug tests), although they do have a secret drug weapon that is quintessentially British - see later.

I checked what Team GB have taken with them to Rio. Where some of that £350m. has been spent.
Naturally a mere 48,000 pieces of kit have been taken (have you noticed that each GB athlete has almost bespoke kit). However that is reasonable, although supplying your own kit would makes the prospect of someone lining up in the 100m. sprint final in a pair of flipflops rather enticing.

The kit does not include footwear and socks (11,000 pairs) or hats. Hats? We have taken 1,500. That seems a lot given that the total of competitors and staff is only 833. Is this wasteful? One hat per head seems reasonable, but one hat per 1.9 heads seems extravagant.

Again this figure does not include the ceremonial suits and the 2,800 luggage bags to carry all this.

Yet 22 shipping containers were needed. I have a lot of socks, but I only need one drawer. What else have they taken? In here lies the secret of GB success.

Team GB has taken 249 sofas and 350 cushions, 72 sets of outdoor garden furniture, 121 kettles and 5,500 tea bags.

There it is!

Sat on the sofa with a cup of tea...and when it isn't raining sitting on the patio..with another cup of tea. The quintessentially British training regime and drug of choice. A government endorsed mass doping system (which other countries have been banned for) underpinned by professional sitting. Which sports are we good at? Rowing, sailing, cycling and horse riding - sitting sports.

So there you have it. GB has discovered sports that match the British lifestyle, so that we are all in training whether we like it or not, and fuelled it with a drug that is not yet on the Olympic banned list (Linford Christie's ginseng tea excepted - had he opted for PG Tips none of that unpleasantness would have occurred).

So is £350m. well spent? Brits spend £6.3bn. on hot drinks (although I admit some of that involves unnecessarily radical coffee drinking) then yes it is.

Spread the word, the most important measure of success for 'Team GB' is the most important statistic of the Olympics.

1 medal for every 100 cups of tea

This could be the secret of india's rise up the medal table when they realise this.

My rigorous viewing so far has raised my tea drinking to almost Olympic standard - I believe I am already there on my sofa training so I might still dream of going to Tokyo in 2020.


RIO 2016 A NEW WORLD


*clue - it involved a couple of blokes (who incidentally I once saw in a McDonalds) sitting down and going backwards faster than anyone else.