The Armstrong Defence for Museum Management

You may be wondering at my lack of communication recently.

My last couple of blogs outlining my top tips for museum management resulted in a somewhat unexpected round of grievance cases, resignations and a generous amount of time given to me to tend my garden. Suitably rested and having encouraged an amazing collection of thistles, dandelions and  nettles I'm back.

However, this break enabled me to enjoy the 'Great Summer of Sport'. I now know the Olympic Games happened in somewhere called Lundin; Andy Murray became a Great British tennis player rather than a Scottish loser, and some bloke rode his pushbike around France and all he won was a lousy yellow t-shirt.

After becoming a cycling enthusiast, I then discover that lots of pushbike riders claimed to have taken drugs to help them ride better. This seems ludicrous. I once tried to ride home from the Dog and Duck with 10 pints of lager inside me - as a result  I spent the night in a ditch and now have a permanent limp. Thus Lance Armstrong must be telling the truth and he is surely an inspiration to us all in his stance when all evidence points to his guilt.

So here are three tips for the 'Lance Armstrong Defence' to be used in disciplinary hearings but can be useful for museums in general.

1. Refuse to mount a defence and walk out on the witch hunt.

Museums could learn from this advocacy method in response to public sector cuts. Ignore the loss of income and keep spending. What can the funders do? Sell the collection? No wait....

2. Despite being tested over 500 times I never displayed any signs of positive management.

Museums should avoid positive management at all costs, because if its discovered just once assumptions will be that it could have been done all the time - reputations would be ruined overnight

3. All the eyewitness testimony is biased, because the witnesses are all bitter alcoholics and prostitutes.

A catch all description for any critic of the museum. If said with a vehement conviction whilst foaming at the mouth if nothing else this will buy you time and medical attention.

If you use these defences relentlessly and with gusto it will take the authorities at least 10 years to prove your guilt by which time they would have closed the museum anyway.

Good luck!