Strange British Laws

I apologise for the slight delay posting my blog following the

1,125th Olde Medieaval Unr'ason Foode Fayre (see last blog).

My memory of it is a little vague, and to be honest it slightly inhibited my defence before the local magistrate the following day. However, my knowledge of the law has been expanded as all the following are actual criminal acts (apparently committed by me over the Fayre weekend). In answer to the charges, I pleaded 'innocent on the grounds of diminished responsibility'.

1. Singing a profane or obscene ballad or song in the street (I thought my rendition of 'Barnacle Bill the Sailor' in front of the Unreason Protestant Nunnery was a useful addition to the Unreason Eisteddfod)

2. Erecting a washing line across a public street (It seemed a good idea at the time).

3. As keeper of a place of public resort permitting drunkenness in the house (I think the museum's license to sell alcohol has now been revoked).

4. To sell alcohol to an intoxicated person (I must admit I was giving myself a substantial staff discount on the cider stall).

5. The discharge of any cannon or other firearm of greater calibre than a common fowling-piece within 300 yards of any dwelling house to the annoyance of any inhabitant thereof. (I didn't know the museum's WWI howitzer worked let alone was loaded).

6. Eating a mute swan - only the Queen can do this and it seems and no amount of me insisting to the policeman that he addressed me as 'Your Majesty' convinced him I was anything other than a steaming drunk museum manager with large white feathers in his mouth.

7. The driving or conducting of any cattle through any street between the hours of 10.00 in the morning and 7.00 in the evening (Farmer Smith is still not talking to me)

8. Being intoxicated and in charge of a cow (I argued I was never fully in control of the cow).

9. Sounding a horn when stationary on a road at anytime, other than at times of danger due to another vehicle on or near the road (I thought it was a useful accompaniment to my ballad - and the cow was never stationary!)

10. Not offering a beached whale to the reigning monarch (I must admit I have no memory of this incident at all).

Net result - 3 month's spent at Her Majesty's pleasure in the Unreason Open Prison. However I'm back now and off to the bookmaker's to cash in my £100 guaranteed winning bet placed on England to get out of the group stages in the FIFA World Cup.