It is readily accepted that, in the museum world, the only people you think are normal are the ones that you don't know very well. But does the role you play in the museum say something about you? The following is based on the staff and volunteers at the Museum of Unreason. Any similarity between them and the rest of the human race is entirely coincidental.
Museum Marketing - Outgoing Alcoholic - you possess a degree and had the reputation of being rarely sober and throwing excellent parties at University. Your general belief is the job requires more of the same. You are ambitious and believe that you can drink your way to the top. Also, you believe that the marketing budget is never big enough and that if you handed over all the cash to the marketing team and employed competent sales employees 'they will come'.
Museum Sales - Paranoid Loner - you don't possess a degree but had the reputation of attending all the same parties at University as the museum marketer before dropping out. You avoid customers like the plague in order to work on the 'strategy'. As a result you have a very low golf handicap and you hate the marketing department for wasting all the museum money.
Museum IT Specialist - Uncontrollable Geek - you have no detectable personal life but are in complete command of everything that happens at the museum. Possibly foreign, or at least in possession of a language degree, because no-one can understand a word you say. You even have acronyms for acronyms. The Chief Executive comes to you for advice and does everything you say.
Museum Accountant - Fearsomely Insane - you talk softly and wield a big spreadsheet; immune to gossip, office politics and disorganisation. You are approached with trepidation and your extreme personal wealth is probably the product supreme income efficiency.
Museum Human Resources - Grim Reaper's Less Pleasant Younger Sibling - you are rarely seen, except when bad news is expected. Your ability to seemingly float along the corridors is often commented upon. Nobody has ever seen your reflection in a mirror and as a consequence you are never invited to the pub, but you know all the gossip - how?
Museum Manager - Spineless Cutthroat - you are in your job for life as you're unemployable elsewhere. You measure success by the number of meetings held and decisions avoided. But, you are still invited to the pub, if only to pay for the drinks.
Visitor Service Officer - Cheery Suicide Risk - you are perpetually torn between having a break down and sleeping with the manager to get a promotion. Your relationship with the public is 'complicated' and you feel undervalued by the senior staff. However, solace is found in excessive shopping and cocktails.
Museum Curator - Insecure with a God Complex - you are the blue riband employee of the organisation. You are the most valuable person in your own mind, but the most expendable in everyone else's. To justify your existence you simply mention 'accreditation' and 'backlog' and retreat to the stores for a week when in reality you actually are running a restaurant on Corfu.
Museum Chief Executive - A Lucky Lucky Bastard - you got to the top because you thought you would, but your inability to use a computer, or know what accreditation is, suggests you are more lucky than brilliant. You have innate good sense to move on before your cock ups are noticed and the museum is forced to close.
Museum Volunteer - The Willingly Unwilling Martyr - you know the museum wouldn't function without you, staff knows the museum doesn't function with you. You know there are useful things you do, the staff know all the things you don't/won't or can't do. You know the staff are ungrateful but you are careful to let the staff know you are doing everything for free and giving up your free time to do this.
*This blog was written sometime ago and following the latest staff review the museum volunteer is now the marketing/sales/visitor services manager, the Chief Executive has 'moved on', the accountant has retired to Worthing, the human resources manager now runs authentic ghost tours in Milton Keynes, the curator hasn't been seen for some months and the IT Specialist was actually found to be a Bulgarian immigrant looking for work who thought the museum was the local YMCA (he now runs a car washing service on the High Road). In the meantime I continue to fulfil my role as museum manager with due diligence and professionalism.
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