Museum Sustainability:a case of sex and drugs and rock n' roll?

We continue to wring our hands at the funding crisis in British museums. How do we make our own way in the world where the central and local government is at best uncaring or at worst openly hostile? We obligingly reduce costs, become more entrepreneurial, sell Egyptian statues etc.

The answer came to me in the form of a fixed penalty notice that dropped on my doormat last week. Apparently I had driven up a restricted road and been caught by an automatic number plate recognition camera. I had missed a whole series of signs warning me. In my defence, how can I possibly read every sign when drunk 'phoning my mates at 1 in the morning driving at 90 miles an hour without my seat belt on? Some may call me irresponsible, I call it a miracle of multitasking.

Anyway, I took my punishment as ungraciously as I could and set about watching as many 'Police Interceptors', 'Traffic Cops' and 'Thieves & Thugs:Caught on Camera' programmes as I could to justify my belief that I was unfairly picked on by the fascist forces of law and order when they should be out catching real criminals (the impact of their behaviour is currently closing our museums). As a side note the sheer high tech investment and police numbers spent trying to catch a 15 yr. old scallywag buzzing round the local park on a moped, or Lithuanians rummaging about in charity clothing bins, is mind boggling. The Crown Prosecution Service will then not pursue the case due to lack of evidence.

So what have I learnt?

1. Driving without insurance will get your car crushed
2. Being found with drugs on you will result in a street caution.
3. Finding a cannabis farm in your loft will get them repotted in the Blue Peter garden
4. Anything that doesn't involve a high speed pursuit across the country, the writing off of any number of police cars and street furniture will result in 20 hours of community service.
5. They never discover large financial fraud.

What has this got to do with museums I hear you ask? I've learnt that crime pays. More specifically some crimes aren't punished. However I would hesitate to recommend museum managers from starting a programme of massive financial mismanagement (no more than usual anyway) as that would negatively affect museum sustainability. No, be more entrepreneurial, with selective, 'heritage' events.

The answer, as I have found constantly throughout my life is sex and drugs and rock n' roll (although not necessarily in that order, and not necessarily including the sex bit, or the drugs).

1. Sleepovers aren't just for kids. Remember only street prostitution is illegal, so keep it indoors. Historical re-enactments can be hands on, it will involve partnership working (local massage parlour?), raise health awareness issues and attract the over 45 male audience (constantly underrepresented in visitor demographics). Although how well believed errant husbands will be by their wives when they say, 'I'm just popping out to the museum'. Yet it will be true.

2. The really difficult audience is the male 16-24 audience. The answer - laudanum (a very morish tincture of brandy, herbs and opium). Again it raises awareness of health issues, encourages partnership working (I've heard the Russian mafia is particularly enlightened in this respect), and solves the question of how to encourage repeat visitors. So when young Johnny is arrested he demands his one phone call is to be to the local museum you know you are onto  a winner.

3. Rock and Roll. If One Direction and Justin Beiber have taught us, is that spotty boys with interesting hair are guaranteed to relieve pre-pubescent girls of all their pocket money. So get the boy who has the weekend paper round to come and sing in the foyer and watch yet another underrepresented demographic come charging through the door screaming. Given that poor standards of spelling amongst the youth of our nation. A temporary 'No Direction' exhibition (highlighting the museum's new strategic plan) or 'Just In Beaver' exhibition (focussing on the museum's latest acquisition into our natural history collection) will have them flocking in.

Don't say that museums are unsustainable, just say that museums that we have conceived them in the past are unsustainable. The museum of the future is lively and full of life and death. They may even be interesting enough to have documentaries made out of them. 'Police Intermuseums' coming to a minor cable channel soon.