Will the last one to leave please turn the lights off

*Adapted from an image in a The Atlantic article 'A World Without Work' July/August 2015 
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/07/world-without-work/395294/

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say To A Curator

"What budget do you need for future acquisitions?"

"Clear your accessioning backlog by the weekend."

"I need you to give a half hour talk to the 65 seven year old school kids from the local inner city school on our early Twentieth Century Vorticist art collection tomorrow."

"Can I borrow your stuffed badger from the natural history collection for a stag party I'm having this weekend?"

"Can you show the St.Vitus Dance tour group around the ceramics open display?"

"Please let me see inside your store, just once, go on, you know you want to."

"Do you wear your nitrile gloves in bed?"

"Handling collections are important too"

"Can't you sell it on Ebay?"

"Your round!"

More Gnomic Aphorisms for Museums

In my self anointed role as museum guru I often tweet remarkably deep and important thoughts about museums and the museum world. Some of them are appreciated, some of them aren't, but I think I'm beginning to see a shift in museum practice as a consequence. I like to think the British Museum's Community Conference was inspired by the Museum of Unreason's weekly 'let's talk about it in the pub' sessions. Perhaps the V&A's desire to embrace the loss of curatorial control via social media is a direct mirroring of my own loss of control after Theakston's Old Peculier has worked its singular magic during my sessions 'in the pub'.

During the month of May I have been tweeting my manifesto to the world in 140 characters or less. Here they are collected in one place as a resource for history to thank me for in the centuries to come.


Importance of Museums

"I don't think many people have a very good understanding of museums and the importance they could play in their lives."

"In museums nearly everything we do is of no importance, but it is important that we do it."

"Museums,if poor, are of no importance, and if excellent, of infinite importance. The only thing is they cannot be is moderately important."

"For sustainability what is required is a profound and thorough conviction of the justice, necessity and importance of museums by museums."

"We shouldn't stop talking about the importance of our museums & culture because the well-being of society is directly linked to them."

"I see little of more importance to the future of our country and of civilisation than full recognition of the place of the museum."

"Without a museum, society is a flock of sheep without a shepherd but without innovation, a museum is a living corpse."


Museum Funding

"The importance of money to museums flows from it being a non-existent in the present with the likelihood of there being less in the future."

"Museums for museums' sake is a philosophy of the well-funded."

"Museums should be more about making an impact on society, rather than making an income from society."



Future of Museums 

"The only way to predict the future  for your museum is to shape your own future for it, not leave it to gov’t."

"Surely museum sustainability depends on changing thinking to become something that society 'needs to have' rather than 'would like to have'."

"Museums are not a product of their circumstances. They are a product of their decisions and the quicker they realise this the better."

"The best time to have rethought your museum was 10 years ago - the second best time is now."



Museums as Cultural Hubs

"For a museum to be a cultural leader is not to have all the ideas; it's to create a culture where everyone can have ideas & feel valued."

"Diversity in museums results from the real interchange of ideas, objects and influences, not from the insular development of a single idea."

"We should not want museums for the few any more than education for the few, or freedom for the few."

Secret of Good Exhibitions

"The aim of a museum is to display not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance for humanity."

"The basic principle of a museum exhibition must be to make us pause."

"A good museum exhibition allows you to enter it from a variety of angles and to emerge with a variety of views."

"Great museums discuss ideas; average museums discuss events; poor museums discuss people."

"Museums must never, ever underestimate the importance of having fun."

"Museums should not merely be a pleasure. They must give spectacular joy to life & contribute immensely to goodwill and happy companionship."

"It isn't what a museum looks like but what it is that is of basic importance."

"Museums must understand the importance of engaging with the bond of children with their parents through learning.."

"To make us feel small in the right way is a function of a museum; the trouble is many make us feel small in the wrong way."

"Shouldn’t a museum's philosophy be, ‘If it can’t be fun what’s the point in doing it?'."

Museums as Repositories of Material Culture

"All objects are subject to museums interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

"Nothing is so frustrating or futile as museum with ambition but without systematic knowledge & collections to underpin it."

"Time extracts various values from objects. When these are exhausted & the original uses are forgotten then they will be donated to a museum."

"Museums shouldn’t be all about getting and having bigger collections, they should be about giving and being."

"Curatorship: the art of protecting old things from the weather."

"Will all human experience eventually crumble and end up lost in museum stores?"

"The world exists to end up in a museum."

Medical Museum Entry Signs

On a recent walking tour of medical museums I was struck by their innate cleanliness and general bedside manner of their staff, but most of all by their friendly welcoming entry signs on their front doors.

Association of Coloproctologists of Great Britain Museum -
                                          'To enter - go where no person has gone before'

British Dental Association Museum - ‘Open wide'

Royal College Psychiatrists Museum, 'Pull on the knob/penis/mother/handle to enter'

The British Association of Urological Surgeons Museum, 

          'Enter when you like but when you've got to go you've REALLY GOT TO GO'

British Cardiovascular Society Museum, 'Enter and we'll be with you in a heartbeat'

Association of Surgeons of Great Britain and Ireland Museum, 

                            'Please wash your hands before entering'

UK Gynaecology Society Museum - 'Please open the letterbox for attention'

Association of British Neurologists Museum 'Enter if you have a mind to'

ENT Society Museum 'Enter here for a limited sensory experience'

Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health Museum 'Adults Only'

British Geriatrics Society Museum 'Enter quickly before you forget why you came'

Imagine?

Imagine no museums
It's easy if you try
No memories for us
We can only cry
Imagine all the people
Existing in dismay...

Imagine there's no museums
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to visit or live for
And no libraries too
Imagine all the people whose
Cultural life will cease...

You may say its a nightmare
But you're not the only one
I fear someday they'll close us
And our world will be undone

Imagine no museums
I wonder if you can
No fun for kids or younger
A wilderness for man
Imagine all the people
Despairing at the world...

You may say its a nightmare
But you're not the only one
I hope someday they'll fund us
And museums will live again



As John Lennon himself said,

"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have
the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."



Let us all scream so that someone in power notices the museum sector drowning.

Can the Museums Association Learn From FIFA?

OK so you are corrupt, egotistical, sexist, ethically challenged and living proof that you don't have to be popular to be in charge. Well you are not alone - so is Sepp Blatter (or should I say WAS Sepp Blatter who selfishly resigned just as I had started a blog page on his impressive survival techniques even in the face of truth, justice and the American way).

So is Sepp Blatter the typical head of an association? I think I can honestly say NO. The Museums Association has never left $10000 in a brown envelope in my hotel room when I've attended their conference. But given that we are an enlightened liberal profession, is there anything the Museums Association can learn from Mr. Blatter? Of course there is. 

1. One Museum One Vote

Young Mr. Blatter kept in power at FIFA by using the single vote system; giving a pseudo-country like the Faroes has as much power as England (another pseudo-country, but you get my point). So he extended memberships to anybody who could kick a ball diluting the power of the 'big boys'. So the obvious way forward is for the president of the MA Board to change the constitution to make it 1 museum 1 vote, then the Museum of Unreason would have the same influence as the British Museum - making us much more democratic so that us 'little boys' are not bullied by the superior professionalism, experience and ethics of the well-run organisations.

2. Spread the Love

Blatter used funds generated by the powerful nations and distributed them across the world. A simple lesson to be learned here is to use some of the British Museums funding and distribute it unevenly across the Museum sector. That would guarantee Museum of Unreason's vote for president.

3. Have Nothing to Hide

As Uncle Sepp once said in 2003, "Neither FIFA nor its president have anything to hide, nor do they wish to," This is an obvious management tip. Lie and keep lying only until a long gaol term beckons. I notice this hasn't been part of the Museums Association's recent ethics consultation - MA missing a trick?

4. Move to Switzerland

Swiss privacy laws are your friend even when you have nothing to hide, it avoids wasting time answering unnecessary questions so you can get on with the job unhindered. MA take note there may be some cheap office accommodation becoming available in Lucerne shortly - and London is sooo expensive.

5. Hang around long enough and make everyone scared of change

Blatter had something in common with Syria's Bashar al-Assad and many many bad managers who tend to hang around too long. Simply don't move on, don't resign, don't die and use the techniques outlined above to keep in power. In the museum world you could even die and be put into storage before anybody notices. As Confucius himself said, "Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change." Are you wise or stupid? I'm proud to say I'm both.

I'll leave the final word to Sepp himself (suitably adapted for my audience)

"The Museums Association stands for discipline, respect, fair-play, not just in museums, but in our society as well."

Hear! Hear!

How To Write the Perfect Museum Interpretation Panel

The museum interpretation panel is the bread and butter of any museum display. Properly written it provides an excellent opportunity for visitors to ignore it as they desperately press all the buttons on your broken interactive next to it.

In the words of Ernie Wise (younger readers can ask your parents who he was) if you have talent like what I have got then the beautifully crafted interpretation panel is within your reach. It is just a question of avoiding some obvious pitfalls.*

• Steer clear of cliches; if you give them a wide berth then your panel will be the cat's whiskers.

• Brevity is key; do not use more words for the general concept, idea or fact you are trying to express, articulate or explain

• Always avoid, abnegate and abjure annoying and aggravating alliteration

• Facts need to be specific, more or less

• Complete sentences only, please

• It goes without saying all verbs has to agree with subjects  

• Parenthetical remarks (however pertinent) are (almost always) superfluous

• The passive voice is to be avoided

• Foreign words are de trop and suck the joie de vivre out of the text

• Delete commas, that, are not, necessary

• One should never generalise

• Avoid ampersands & abbreviations etc.

• Analogies on panels are like track suits on sloths

• Never use big words when diminutive expressions will discharge the meaning more efficaciously

• Never use quotations, as Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations."

• Who needs rhetorical questions?

• Never mix your metaphors, even if your well turned phrase flies like a bird, it should still be given its marching orders

• Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement

• Finally, proofread carefully to see if you any words out

By following these simple rules will turn you panel into something you will be proud for the general public to ignore. 

*My bible for all things factual and grammatical is  'How much poo does an elephant do?" by Mitchell Symons. Thanks to him for his tips and inspiration that I have passed onto you today - all museum professionals must own it.