The Museum of Unreason is taking the tortuous and twisted journey towards becoming the Unreasonable Trust. Museum manager Frank Unreasoning has been using the Yorkshire Renaissance step by step guide to creating a trust as his guide into these uncharted waters. He is helped in this process by the cleaner SUE (Seriously Under Employed) and the Chair of the Friends Group BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody). Frank is now concerned with recruiting the SHADOW BOARD OF TERROR.
A couple of hours quiet contemplation in the central cubicle of the gents toilet in the Museum of Unreason allowed me to come up with a list of skills needed for the new board written on our official museum stationery.
- Legal knowledge
- Financial knowledge
- Knowledge of the community
- Knowledge of the museum
- NOW WASH YOUR HANDS
- Negotiating skills
- Team working skills
- Fund raising skills
- Networking abilities
Not a bad list, but other than myself who would embody all these attributes? Remembering my strategic planning skills I've come up with a vision of the ideal 'Unreasonable Board'.
- Legal knowledge - If only Franz Kafka was still alive. He wrote 'The Trial' which neatly encapsulates a typical museum manager's paranoia - or is that just me? He'd bring a much needed light-heartedness to board meetings. Plus his definition of lawyers is so perceptive, "It's only because of their stupidity that they're able to be so sure of themselves." I must quote that to our solicitors (Pricey, Inept and Tardy Partners) sometime.
- Financial knowledge - Bernard Madoff, recently arrested for $50bn fraud on US Stock Market. He will have some time on his hands - although attending meetings might be a problem unless he gets a Community Service Order. I would trust him to see us through the choppy financial waters with innovative thinking such as moving the museum to the Bahamas.
- Knowledge of the community - I'm thinking L.Ron Hubbard the founder of Scientology (he's not dead because we are all immortal) would get the community into shape and probably not want to let the visitors leave at the end of the day thereby increasing secondary spend.
- Knowledge of the museum - that has to be the cleaner Sue, if I ask her to be on the board she might tell me where she's hidden all the toilet rolls.
- NOW WASH YOUR HANDS - Howard Hughes?
- Negotiating skills - Its got to be Jeremy Hunt, how he is still in his job must be down to this skill
- Team working skills - The problem is that we don't have multiple occupancy toilet cubicles for our meetings (I'd better put that in the business plan). I'm convinced that would help us get to know each other a lot better. George Michael springs to mind as a man with a good reputation for sharing in public toilets.
- Fund raising skills - my new Russian girlfriend seems to have some good ideas*
- Networking abilities - Rupert Murdoch could make a good team with the board's negotiator.
It sounds like Bob has entered the cubicle beside me, I suppose I have to ask him to be the Chair.
Next week - detailed business planning
* as mentioned in my last blog I had a hot date with 'Olga' this weekend. Meeting her was a bit of a surprise as she didn't look much like her picture. She was closer to 50 than 18, grey haired rather than blonde and a man rather than a woman. Those things aside, it was still exciting as she was my first ever proper girlfriend. Also I never realised how expensive penicillin was in Russia, but I've set up a direct debit to ensure Olga's sick grandmother gets the best treatment she can. I also leant Olga the airfare to go back to Russia to tell her the good news. She's promised to write and said we'll get married as soon as she returns. Let me tell you it was the most exciting 5 minutes of my life.
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