Dealing with criticism from underperforming museum staff - the 'Unreasoning Way'

This blog continues to chart the move to trust status of the Museum of Unreason. Over the past few weeks I have been working on the detailed business plan. However the interim report I sent to the guiding committee, and I quote from the executive summary,

"...the museum makes no sense as a business and is unsustainable, will continue to be unsustainable and will never ever be sustainable while I have anything to do with it...",

has resulted in criticism of my management, when it was clearly my intention to blame everybody else.

So now is an appropriate time to deal with the criticism and at the same time offer advice on how to deal with underperforming staff. Firstly a word of warning, this cannot be done quickly, much time must be spent in front of the mirror practising your sincerity before tackling the situation. Assuming, like me, you do it as a matter of course when you look in the bathroom mirror every morning lets cut to the chase.

1. Analyse the nature of the performance shortfall and quantify all the reasons you can think of why the staff are to blame.You only need to do this once then keep photocopies in your filing cabinet with gaps to put the name in when the occasion arises.

2. Meet with the scapegoat key member of staff in a relaxed non-threatening environment. I prefer the gents toilets (toilet rolls handy to deal with manipulative tears and also for comfort breaks when the meeting drags on).

3. Make sure that all parties are aware that this is a positive meeting and begin by asking how we as a team can come up with solutions to the problems.

4. Listen very very carefully and pull the sincere face you've been practising in the mirror A LOT. But what you are waiting for is any admission of error, weakness, culpability on his/her part that has contributed to the problem. As an experienced and competent manager like myself you will be forced to listen to a lot of the blame being directed towards you, but as an experienced and competent manager like myself you know this to be a sign of staff incompetence and it is your job to prove it.

5. At the end of the exchange of views, clarify and summarise the meeting in an objective, non-judgemental and sympathetic way then immediately replace the useless waster with someone who can actually do the work, preferably on a voluntary basis.

Job done! Thus we move one step closer to sustainability, and in the case of getting rid of the curator not having to listen to constant demands for acid free paper when we have piles of toilet roll to use up.

My next task - start paying my staff in Euros.