Museum Phobias

As promised last week, this week is phobia week. A straw pole at the Museum of Unreason revealed the following top ten phobias that museum staff and volunteers suffer from. I cannot claim this to reflect museums as a whole, but do you recognise yourself here?

There was a strong case to be made for Walloonphobia (fear of the Walloons) at the Museum of Unreason, but I think that is due to a works charabanc outing to Liege two years ago that went horribly wrong. If it is a general phobia in UK museums I would be rather surprised  - but does it actually explain the dearth of interpretation for Belgian visitors in our museums?

10. Polyphobia- Fear of many things.

The staff are scared, in the words of the receptionist, "Where do you want to start?" When you last visited a museum, did you notice the member of staff twitch and cower slightly as you approached them? Could you actually find a member of staff? In honour of the current coalition government I propose we rename this phobia Cameroclegaphobia

9. Metathesiophobia- Fear of changes.

The management of change is difficult for any organisation, to do so in museums is practically impossible so give  up and take pride in cultural stasis.

8. Ponophobia- Fear of overworking. 

The staff seem to suffer terribly from this, however hard I drive them. Although they do have a point, so I make sure I leave work at 3pm every day.

7. Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.

Excerpt from my latest meeting with the Chair of Trustees

"What shall the new display be on?" "I have no idea." 

"How do we pay for it?" "I have no idea." 

"What is your job?" "I have no idea."

This phobia explains an awful lot.

6. Chrometophobia - Fear of money.

Is this the true reason for so many volunteers in the heritage sector? I bet if you offered a volunteer money he/she would run away screaming. Certainly when any volunteer asks me for travel expenses I run away screaming, is that the same thing?

5. Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers.

It is no coincidence that the lowest museum visitor demographic is the 16-24 age group. 

4. Kainolophobia - Fear of anything new, novelty.

My hilarious handshake buzzer appeared to expose this phobia amongst the museum staff.

3. Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.
Many museums have mice, some employ cats to solve the problem. Unfortunately our rodent infestation ate our cat and volunteers seem to be disappearing rapidly. NEVER go into the stores unarmed - or perhaps its just my Zemmiphobia?

2. Plutophobia- Fear of wealth.

We complain about cuts, poor wages but we wouldn't have it any other way. We don't want to be bankers. We have integrity, we have cultural capital and in our world a bonus is a pound coin found down the back of the sofa. Anything else just scares us.

1. Disposophobia- Fear of throwing stuff out

It had to be. The Museums Association is trying to force us to rationalise our collections. Don't they realise they are dealing with ill people. Would you make an agoraphobe stand in a field? No, so don't make me ethically dispose of my unnecessary objects.