The Museum of Unreason's complete and utter failure to gain Arts Council Major Grunt funding has led to plan B. We will become a Trust. Is this a good thing? Like any good manager I've broken the task down into manageable stages.
Stage 1: research
I've heard of the National Trust, an organisation dedicated to preserving the smell of lavender in retail outlets. I've also heard of the Welcome Trust, an organisation dedicated to preserving doormats (I think). Research over.
Stage 2: steal other ideas
Result! I discover Renaissance Yorkshire's, "An Opportunity for Change" the ideal planning aid
http://www.yorkmuseumstrust.org.uk/assets/exploring_trust_option_for_museum_services.pdf
This document offers a step by step planning guide for competent museum managers. Alas Renaissance never produced a guide for incompetent managers.
Stage 3: read and weep
Stage 4: have several cups of coffee and have the document explained to you by the cleaner (Peterhouse Cambridge, double first BA in History and Politics, MA in the History of Philosophical Thought and PhD in European Union Cultural Identity) who isn't able to get a job in the museum because she is under qualified.
Stage 4: start the feasibility stage - part 1
LEGAL
Assess your current legal position - That's easy, 3 points on my driving licence and a police ban on going within 300 yards of the Dog and Whistle pub in my local village (perhaps that will be the subject of another blog - suffice to say she started it!).
BUSINESS
Define intention - Definite intention to be a business
Define Position - Currently in centre cubicle of gents toilet hiding from the cleaner
Identify options - Climbing out the window seems most likely
Assess options - I'm not as young as I was and I've put on a bit of weight recently so its going to be a tight squeeze
Develop recommendation for future governance - get bigger windows in the gents toilet
COMMUNICATION
Identify stakeholders - That must be the chair of the friends group, I like to call him BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody)
Inform stakeholders - Message already written on the toilet roll
Keep stakeholders informed appropriately - Trying to throw the toilet roll through the window is proving trickier than expected
Discuss findings with stakeholders - I suppose I'll have to wait until Bob's next bowel movement
Part 2 next week.
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Which Hunt?
World exclusive - leaked first draft of Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt's statement to the House of Commons before he realised the leaked emails related to the News Corp takeover of BSkyB and not the Museum of Unreason's application for Arts Council Major Grant funding.
"Transcripts of conversations due to be published between me - oops sorry, I mean my special adviser and a Museum of Unreason member of staff identified as Frank Rason, have suggested I have a back passage. This is really, really, really not the case. However, the volume, tone and intimations of sexual favours within those communications were clearly not appropriate in this quasi-ludicrous process, and today Whotisname has resigned as my special adviser.
"I have strictly followed some process or other, seeking the advice of random people in the street and after seconds of careful consideration acted on their advice to stop bothering them and piss off.
"I made four decisions in this process and each of those decisions was contrary to what the Museum of Unreason wanted.
"The first decision I made was that I was half-minded to refer the bid to the waste paper bin, but my integrity forced me into my second decision that I would not make a decision until I had bought a shredder from Staples* and taken advice from the shop assistant on how it worked.
"The third decision I made was to extend the period of consultation because Staples was closed when I got there after work. My final decision was to go then go home for tea and not invite Mr. Unreasoning.
"The only contact I had with Frank Rason was an accidental meeting in Ladbroke Grove public conveniences with other people present. The fact that there are emails in which he talks about having personal contact with me, simply did not happen - he remained at a safe distance at the adjacent urinal, and I am reliably informed he always wears rubber gloves and a snorkel to perform his ablutions. Furthermore his suggestion that he called me before I went to see Swan Lake is wrong, I actually went to see Lady Boys of Bangkok five days later.
"I accept, and I've told my special advisor that he also accepts, that those communications overstepped the mark...I knew Wotsisname was authorised to be one of a number of contact points within my back passage, but having seen those communications it is clear that the volume and content was inappropriate.
"The idea that I was backing the Museum of Unreason's bid is laughable, in fact the Museum of Unreason itself is laughable, and the fact that I have any integrity at all is also laughable. So lets all laugh about it."
If only
*other office suppliers are available
"Transcripts of conversations due to be published between me - oops sorry, I mean my special adviser and a Museum of Unreason member of staff identified as Frank Rason, have suggested I have a back passage. This is really, really, really not the case. However, the volume, tone and intimations of sexual favours within those communications were clearly not appropriate in this quasi-ludicrous process, and today Whotisname has resigned as my special adviser.
"I have strictly followed some process or other, seeking the advice of random people in the street and after seconds of careful consideration acted on their advice to stop bothering them and piss off.
"I made four decisions in this process and each of those decisions was contrary to what the Museum of Unreason wanted.
"The first decision I made was that I was half-minded to refer the bid to the waste paper bin, but my integrity forced me into my second decision that I would not make a decision until I had bought a shredder from Staples* and taken advice from the shop assistant on how it worked.
"The third decision I made was to extend the period of consultation because Staples was closed when I got there after work. My final decision was to go then go home for tea and not invite Mr. Unreasoning.
"The only contact I had with Frank Rason was an accidental meeting in Ladbroke Grove public conveniences with other people present. The fact that there are emails in which he talks about having personal contact with me, simply did not happen - he remained at a safe distance at the adjacent urinal, and I am reliably informed he always wears rubber gloves and a snorkel to perform his ablutions. Furthermore his suggestion that he called me before I went to see Swan Lake is wrong, I actually went to see Lady Boys of Bangkok five days later.
"I accept, and I've told my special advisor that he also accepts, that those communications overstepped the mark...I knew Wotsisname was authorised to be one of a number of contact points within my back passage, but having seen those communications it is clear that the volume and content was inappropriate.
"The idea that I was backing the Museum of Unreason's bid is laughable, in fact the Museum of Unreason itself is laughable, and the fact that I have any integrity at all is also laughable. So lets all laugh about it."
If only
*other office suppliers are available
Saturday, 21 April 2012
'This is Art War' - how to deal with museum funding cuts
At the last the world is beginning to catch onto cloudy and unreasonable thinking. Globally the museum sector has taken more than its fair share of pain as austerity cuts bite. Museums desperately try and preserve their collections with ever shrinking budgets and staff numbers. Things aren't going to get better any time soon. So creative thinking, innovative thinking, unreasonable thinking is required.
Thus my heart skipped a beat when I read about the director of the Cosario Contemporary Art Museum setting fire to one of his paintings to draw attention to the critical state of funding for his museum.
The painting worth c.£6000 was burnt in the presence of the artist. One assumes the artist was complicit in this act rather than being held back by two burly men whilst hurling unrepeatable invective in the general direction of the fire.
This is inspired unreasonable thinking. The setting fire to museum pieces instantly reduces pressure on the stores and associated collections management responsibilities. It reduces fuel bills and stops the museum being pestered to receive (largely unwanted) donations. Just imagine the conversation when the donator of a treasured heirloom having tearfully given it to the local museum discovers it has been deposited not on display, not in stores, not even in the handling collection, but in the 'winter warmer' pile. With less objects to see, there will be less need for advertising, front of house staff etc. The potential savings are enormous.
However, I think it is an unfortunate precedent that has been set to have the artist present at the destruction. On the plus side it might force Banksy out of his pretentious anonymity, on the downside digging up a Renaissance master and propping him up next to the fire would be inconvenient, costly and a bit smelly. Furthermore I can see some curators objecting to the addition of grave-robbing to their job descriptions.
My recommendation is to forget the artist and get those priceless works straight down to the boiler room (singing as you go is optional) confident in the knowledge that it is the bankers to blame.
The alternative approach of setting fire to bankers is clearly unthinkable or is it just 'unreasonable'?
Read more here http://rt.com/news/italian-crisis-burning-art-497/
Thus my heart skipped a beat when I read about the director of the Cosario Contemporary Art Museum setting fire to one of his paintings to draw attention to the critical state of funding for his museum.
The painting worth c.£6000 was burnt in the presence of the artist. One assumes the artist was complicit in this act rather than being held back by two burly men whilst hurling unrepeatable invective in the general direction of the fire.
This is inspired unreasonable thinking. The setting fire to museum pieces instantly reduces pressure on the stores and associated collections management responsibilities. It reduces fuel bills and stops the museum being pestered to receive (largely unwanted) donations. Just imagine the conversation when the donator of a treasured heirloom having tearfully given it to the local museum discovers it has been deposited not on display, not in stores, not even in the handling collection, but in the 'winter warmer' pile. With less objects to see, there will be less need for advertising, front of house staff etc. The potential savings are enormous.
However, I think it is an unfortunate precedent that has been set to have the artist present at the destruction. On the plus side it might force Banksy out of his pretentious anonymity, on the downside digging up a Renaissance master and propping him up next to the fire would be inconvenient, costly and a bit smelly. Furthermore I can see some curators objecting to the addition of grave-robbing to their job descriptions.
My recommendation is to forget the artist and get those priceless works straight down to the boiler room (singing as you go is optional) confident in the knowledge that it is the bankers to blame.
The alternative approach of setting fire to bankers is clearly unthinkable or is it just 'unreasonable'?
Read more here http://rt.com/news/italian-crisis-burning-art-497/
Saturday, 7 April 2012
Titanic Gets UNESCO Protection
After a winter of hibernation from unreasonable thinking, I have emerged from my cardboard box located in the corner of the costume store to find the museum world as unreasonable as ever. Four hours ago I came across this headline.
Do my eyes deceive me or has the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation entered the world of film criticism. I know Titanic was never popular with the critics, but 'wreckage' is a bit harsh. But to give it UNESCO protection is a ground breaking move. This is no doubt prompted by the imminent release of Titanic 3D - they clearly thought urgent action was needed.
There has been some talk about tangible and intangible heritage of late and UNESCO has been at the forefront of that debate and has slowly been trying to protect more than just buildings and landscapes. But I have to admire their leap into the protection of overblown, expensive, critically lambasted yet immensely popular modern cinema productions.
Cinema is clearly under threat and awareness of its heritage is growing. Awarding 'The Artist' the Best Film Oscar this year is evidence of this. But the speed of heritage protection development in the cinema world is bewildering. It took 50 years to get world heritage protection off the ground. Even then many sites of 'universal' importance have taken a long time to get onto the world heritage list. After having protected the obvious (Taj Mahal, Stonehenge etc.) it took time to getting round to protecting coal mines and housing estates.
Compare this development to UNESCO's move to movie protection. No discussion, no committees agonising for 50 years - just immediate action. Then what is the first movie they want to protect? Citizen Kane? Casablanca? Gone With the Wind? No - straight to the cinematic equivalent of a Berlin housing estate - Titanic.
Why? Like a housing estate Titanic isn't high culture, its popular culture. Like a housing estate its large and expensive and not loved by critics. And like a housing estate problems of chronic rising damp.
Thus I applaud UNESCO for breaking out of the straight jacket of current heritage protection thinking. In this spirit I look forward to my local 'Hooters' bar becoming a listed building, the local rubbish dump becoming a conservation area and my car becoming scheduled as an ancient monument. This may be too idealistic but still I will be writing to UNESCO to propose that the second movie they might like to consider protecting is 'Carry On Up the Khyber'.
Titanic wreckage to become Unesco heritage
Do my eyes deceive me or has the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation entered the world of film criticism. I know Titanic was never popular with the critics, but 'wreckage' is a bit harsh. But to give it UNESCO protection is a ground breaking move. This is no doubt prompted by the imminent release of Titanic 3D - they clearly thought urgent action was needed.
There has been some talk about tangible and intangible heritage of late and UNESCO has been at the forefront of that debate and has slowly been trying to protect more than just buildings and landscapes. But I have to admire their leap into the protection of overblown, expensive, critically lambasted yet immensely popular modern cinema productions.
Cinema is clearly under threat and awareness of its heritage is growing. Awarding 'The Artist' the Best Film Oscar this year is evidence of this. But the speed of heritage protection development in the cinema world is bewildering. It took 50 years to get world heritage protection off the ground. Even then many sites of 'universal' importance have taken a long time to get onto the world heritage list. After having protected the obvious (Taj Mahal, Stonehenge etc.) it took time to getting round to protecting coal mines and housing estates.
Compare this development to UNESCO's move to movie protection. No discussion, no committees agonising for 50 years - just immediate action. Then what is the first movie they want to protect? Citizen Kane? Casablanca? Gone With the Wind? No - straight to the cinematic equivalent of a Berlin housing estate - Titanic.
Why? Like a housing estate Titanic isn't high culture, its popular culture. Like a housing estate its large and expensive and not loved by critics. And like a housing estate problems of chronic rising damp.
Thus I applaud UNESCO for breaking out of the straight jacket of current heritage protection thinking. In this spirit I look forward to my local 'Hooters' bar becoming a listed building, the local rubbish dump becoming a conservation area and my car becoming scheduled as an ancient monument. This may be too idealistic but still I will be writing to UNESCO to propose that the second movie they might like to consider protecting is 'Carry On Up the Khyber'.
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Major Grant Imminent, Major Grunt Inevitable
Palms are sweaty, forehead is glistening, hair is receding and greying - why? Wednesday 25th January 2012 is the day the Arts Council of England (ACE) announce the Major Grants for museums with designated collections in England. A potential boost of millions of £££ for museums is imminent - Major Grant. Or a potential loss of income, staff combined with the crushing of hopes and dreams - Major Grunt. Well at least for 3 years anyway. What will happen on Wednesday Grant or Grunt?
1.
Major Grant - Celebrate with staff
Major Grunt - Tell staff Strategic Grant was the main aim all along
2.
Major Grant - Put "too rich to care"on your Outlook auto reply
Major Grunt - Put "closing down sale now on" on your Outlook Outlook auto reply
3.
Major Grant - Try to remember the 5 strategic ACE goals
Major Grunt - Know you will never forget the 5 strategic ACE goals
4.
Major Grant - Know you are now officially an excellent museum
Major Grunt - Know you are now certainly going to be an ex museum
5.
Major Grant - Know you now have diverse audiences
Major Grunt - Know you now have reverse audiences
6.
Major Grant - Know your museum embodies leadership
Major Grunt - Know your museum exudes desperation
7.
Major Grant - Know you are now a child friendly museum
Major Grunt - Know that claiming to be child friendly will definitely get you arrested
As Albert Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results" - so book yourself in for psychiatric treatment now, because you are going to go through it again in 3 years time. Either that or 2015 will find you taking it easy on a park bench in London cradling a bottle of meths. It's your choice.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
New Year's Resolution: Clear that backlog
Happy New Year dear reader.
After a Christmas break watching reviews of the year which singularly failed to mention the museum crisis in this country I began thinking about starting 2012 off as positively as possible given that the world is apparently guaranteed to end on 21st December 2012. This gives plenty of time for the conscientious museum professional to meet his or her maker with their museum meeting current accreditation standards.
So here is my to do list.
1. CLEAR THE ACCESSIONING BACKLOG ONCE AND FOR ALL. I can't allow everything to be destroyed in a global apocalypse without being properly recorded.
2. I realise I am unable create the time to do it myself, so I will apply for small grant funding to employ part time staff to clear the backlog.
3. In the current circumstances money is thin on the ground so I will instead recruit new volunteers and train them up to do it.
4. I don't have time to train volunteers myself. So I will recruit fully trained registrars as volunteers thereby cynically using the glut of recently unemployed museum professionals.
5. All unemployed registrars will still want paying and have already set themselves up as consultants so I will create four backlog clearance timetables based upon objectives 1-4.
6. I don't have time to create four timetables, so I will simply re-write the collections management strategy to reflect the available resources to clear the backlog.
7. Sod it - I'll just call it all a 'handling collection'.
8. Bugger - objections from the Education Manager means I will ethically dispose of the backlog, or failing that sell the stuff on ebay.
9. Bollocks - museums don't want to increase their collections and the trustees don't want to be seen to be selling their stuff.
10. Hire a skip and hope nobody notices before 21st December.
Happy New Year
After a Christmas break watching reviews of the year which singularly failed to mention the museum crisis in this country I began thinking about starting 2012 off as positively as possible given that the world is apparently guaranteed to end on 21st December 2012. This gives plenty of time for the conscientious museum professional to meet his or her maker with their museum meeting current accreditation standards.
So here is my to do list.
1. CLEAR THE ACCESSIONING BACKLOG ONCE AND FOR ALL. I can't allow everything to be destroyed in a global apocalypse without being properly recorded.
2. I realise I am unable create the time to do it myself, so I will apply for small grant funding to employ part time staff to clear the backlog.
3. In the current circumstances money is thin on the ground so I will instead recruit new volunteers and train them up to do it.
4. I don't have time to train volunteers myself. So I will recruit fully trained registrars as volunteers thereby cynically using the glut of recently unemployed museum professionals.
5. All unemployed registrars will still want paying and have already set themselves up as consultants so I will create four backlog clearance timetables based upon objectives 1-4.
6. I don't have time to create four timetables, so I will simply re-write the collections management strategy to reflect the available resources to clear the backlog.
7. Sod it - I'll just call it all a 'handling collection'.
8. Bugger - objections from the Education Manager means I will ethically dispose of the backlog, or failing that sell the stuff on ebay.
9. Bollocks - museums don't want to increase their collections and the trustees don't want to be seen to be selling their stuff.
10. Hire a skip and hope nobody notices before 21st December.
Happy New Year
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Christmas is a time to think of car parking
I usually blog about the absurdity of museums, but at this time of year my thoughts (as well as those of millions of others in the western world) turn to car parking.
Admittedly I am constantly thinking about car parking spaces, but in a campaigning sense. I will not rest until the first real museum of car parking spaces is created. But in a world that lacks car parking space museums car parking is in need of cloudy thinking.
Christmas shopping is a time of good will towards all men, except in the shopping centre car parks when some sort of atavistic free for all exists. This is not because we become bad people but because car parking spaces do not reflect the different needs and character of the human Christmas shopping population.
Planners acknowledge people with disabilities and parents with young children by giving them their own spaces but what about everybody else? The vast majority of us. It would be too painful to deliberately disable ourselves and too criminal to kidnap young children. So what do we do? Here is my suggestion for car park planners across the globe.
Admittedly I am constantly thinking about car parking spaces, but in a campaigning sense. I will not rest until the first real museum of car parking spaces is created. But in a world that lacks car parking space museums car parking is in need of cloudy thinking.
Christmas shopping is a time of good will towards all men, except in the shopping centre car parks when some sort of atavistic free for all exists. This is not because we become bad people but because car parking spaces do not reflect the different needs and character of the human Christmas shopping population.
Planners acknowledge people with disabilities and parents with young children by giving them their own spaces but what about everybody else? The vast majority of us. It would be too painful to deliberately disable ourselves and too criminal to kidnap young children. So what do we do? Here is my suggestion for car park planners across the globe.
- Keep disabled spaces
- Keep parent and child spaces
- Add parent with parent spaces - for those of us taking aged mother out for her annual shop who then makes you carry around 12 months worth of shopping for the next 4 hours.
- Add aged parent spaces - for the fiercely independent octogenarian, extra wide spaces with large numbering on posts as far away from everyone else as possible
- Add 'I've forgotten something and just need to pop back for 10 minutes and don't want to spend half an hour finding a space' space. Each with its own warden equipped with a stopwatch.
- Add slimmer expert parking spaces nearer the shops for regular users and wider novice parking spaces near the aged parent spaces to prevent delays waiting for slow parkers
- Flashing spaces for people who can never find their car
- Males left in car listening to the football spaces - two lots colour coded spaces on opposite sides of the car park to keep fans apart with adjoining pie refreshment cabins
- Childless couple spaces - areas of calm away from crying children where couples can bicker in peace
- Singleton spaces - a chance to meet your future partner in mistletoe shaped spaces
- Reserved spaces that you earn by collecting frequent parker tokens
The result - car parking harmony full of yuletide spirit
Merry Christmas everyone
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