The Cult of the East Midlands: a museum manifesto of madness

What is the definition of a cult?

One definition is, "A relatively small group of people having beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister." Read it here first - the museums of the East Midlands have formed a cult and the rest of the heritage world needs to be afraid, very afraid.

I sneaked into their Regional Heritage Conference in Nottingham this week to commence my lunchtime CRUMB protest of non-cooperation (see previous blog) against their relentless desecration of our nation's beautiful legacy of car parks.

It was with relief that the introduction to the themes of the conference did not include a car park eradication policy, but I had a growing sense of unease with their 'stronger together' message. The opening speaker exhorted us all into greater ambition through partnerships (what?!?). I then find not only the speakers from large local authority services, but also small independents and strategic bodies all encouraging each other and sinisterly agreeing amongst themselves. This is not natural. The natural order of things is for strategic bodies to look down on the undeserving services who, in turn ignore the independent museums and for the independents themselves to resent the resources of the big services and who feel excluded from funding streams. It is this spirit of mutual resentment which inhibits ambition and stifles change - the very bedrock of heritage preservation. Who knows what damage can occur when organisations actually help each other?

I consoled myself with the prospect of attending their regional awards that evening. Awards ceremonies are a guarantee resentment and backbiting (Titanic anyone?). A sobering antidote to any utopian fantasies that might be brewing. But what is this? The winner of the main award was actually voted for by other museums. They are actually helping each other win awards! I cried and fled the room.

I woke the next morning hoping it had all been a bad dream, but even worse was to follow. The second day began with the launch of an 'Innovation in Museum Display' initiative which will financially help museums embed the active participation of their audiences with their exhibitions. This was greeted with great enthusiasm. 

The horror! The horror! 

Do these people not understand we have spent years actively discouraging any form of participation by the great unwashed outside our front doors. I tried to stand and decry this folly but my legs gave way under me as I was swamped by the religious fervour. I was painfully reminded of the Anderson report on Scientology (which I've amended appropriately for 21st century museums), 

"The Board is not concerned to find that the scientology [audience engagement] techniques are brainwashing techniques as practiced, so it is understood, in some communist-controlled countries. Scientology [Modern museum] techniques are, nevertheless, a kind of brainwashing..." 

A cult is forming.

The rest of the day was a nightmare vision of co-operation and understanding. The workshops were actually practical! A theatre group, an independent museum and a university combined to tackle management training in museums. A consultant explained different cultural concepts of heritage impacting on interpretation (he didn't seem to be paid to do this - in fact he was paying!) what sort of world is it when a museum consultant doesn't just fleece you and run? Is that the kind of world you want to live in?

The final straw came when the organisers actually solicited views for the future strategic direction of the region. They not only listened but it seemed to directly lead to some actual policy direction. Noooo!!

If the attendees had not been forced to go home I'm sure they would still be there now being nice to each other. It even infected those from outside caught up in the madness - saying things like,"I wish we had something like this in our region." I stumbled out in tears, my world shattered. I vowed never to go back there ever again. They can rip up all the car parks they like in the name of heritage - I just don't care anymore.. I console myself that this is only a small number of people doing these sinister things - it is just a cult at the moment but is it the thin end of the wedge?. There may be others out there (I wouldn't put it past the Americans to be up to this sort of participatory nonsense), but don't let it spread.

Let it remain, a relatively small group of people having beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister.

We owe it to future generations to preserve exhibition elitism and mutual distrust.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Save the Car Parks of the East Midlands - update

Last week I used my blog for an impassioned call to sign a petition against the havoc wreaked upon the car parks of the East Midlands in the name of heritage. Literally thousands of you responded by failing to sign my petition. In the spirit of this revolutionary fervour I'd like you all to continue that level of commitment and continue to not fill in the petition at the link below.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/save-the-car-parks-of-the-east-midlands/

Thus armed with the evidence of an unprecedented level of mass apathy I will ignore the heritage conference taking place in Nottingham next week thereby sending an unsubtle message of invisible protest. In the words of that great  protester Mahatma Gandhi I will take the view that, "Non-cooperation with evil is as much a duty as is cooperation with good."

That will show them.

OK I might still turn up - it's a free conference after all. BUT I will eat the free food in a non-cooperative way . This may result in a lot of crumbs, so if you come across a small pile of debris in the corner of the lunchroom recognise it for the car parking vandalism protest that is the beginnings of a worldwide non-violent protest movement.

"We must not allow ourselves to become like the system we oppose. We cannot afford to use methods of which we will be ashamed when we look back, when we say, '...we shouldn't have done that.' We must remember, my friends, that we have been given a wonderful cause. The cause of car parks! And you and I must be those who will walk with heads held high. We will say, 'We used methods that can stand the harsh scrutiny of history."

Nothing says that more eloquently than a pile of crumbs

with apologies to Archbishop Desmond Tutu for the quote

Save the car parks of the East Midlands

It is with a heavy heart that I feel I must take a break from teaching you how to be better managers to come back to my favourite subject - car parks. Unfortunately its not with good news.

I have had to blog on this before. 'Save Our East Midlands Car Parks' was a particularly unread call to arms in defence of this neglected part of our national heritage. The focus was on the wanton vandalism perpetrated to the car parks in the East Midlands. Since then I have kept my eye on that part of the world, and what I read displeases me greatly.

Usually I read with delight the proliferation of car parks around the world, covering up useless pieces of natural habitat, or as the result of the demolition of buildings too old to be of any use (e.g. castles).
But not in the East Midlands of England where a warped sense of the past still prevails.

Leicester having suitably ignored the presence under one of their car parks of a disastrous monarch that brought to an end a centuries old dynasty through murder and mismanagement, were persuaded to dig him up and now want to celebrate this. What sort of message is the local council sending to its citizens? In the council chamber did they think, 'Let us inconvenience people through the removal of one of the useful symbols of wealth and success of a modern city (the car park) in favour of a celebration of tyranny, murder and ultimate failure (a load of old bones). The world has truly gone mad.

Northampton dug up a car park to find a castle, Lincoln destroyed a car park to build a museum - the madness is endless.

The final straw has come when I read the headline, Another Car Park Another Discovery in the Heritage Daily. http://www.heritagedaily.com/2013/05/1131/ Yet again the good burghers of Leicester are suffering at the hands of heritage vandals. This time the University of Leicester have got their hands on a car park. Academics shouldn't be allowed out - I've been long convinced Universities are a form of care in the community for clever people.  Yet they have discovered 'personal items' such as jewellery and shoes in their car park. If any 'normal' person is found in a car park in possession of digging tools and 'personal items' that do not belong to him he would rightly be arrested - not lauded. That is the kind of moral vacuum that seems to pervade the East Midlands of England.

The time has come to act and the perfect opportunity has presented itself to begin the fight. The East Midlands Museum Service is hosting a conference in Nottingham to support museums and heritage in the region. The programme ignores car parking heritage entirely, but they seem to want ideas for the strategic direction of heritage management in their region. If I am armed with a petition I will demand that car park protection is part of that strategy. I urge all car park thinking people to join me outside to protest then come inside (it's free apparently) to lobby attendees.

Therefore please support me when I present the strength of public feeling to the East Midlands Regional Museums Conference on 5th and 6th June 2013 by signing my petition at the URL link below

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/save-the-car-parks-of-the-east-midlands/

The future of car parks is in your hands.

Five Management Secrets I Learned From My Cat

As an enlightened museum manager always on the lookout to improve upon my innate genius. The other day my eye was caught by an article on '5 Management Secrets I Learned From My Dog'

http://blog.hootsuite.com/5-management-secrets-i-learned-from-my-dog/

Needless to say I took the view that you can't teach an old dog new tricks and did not bother to read it. But having spent my lunchtime in the local park I decided to indulge in some action research on dog 'management' behaviours that could be put into practice in that afternoon's Trustees meeting.

The meeting turned out to be a short but turbulent affair. The Trustees objected to me licking their hands on arrival and the Secretary refused to throw my copy of the agenda across the room so that I could go and fetch it. Although I growled quite convincingly when anyone went near my sandwiches, the meeting ended abruptly when I tried to hump the Chairman's leg.

Clearly having canine related management strategies is the work of the unhinged. Yet it may be that it is just the wrong pet. Cats lead, dogs follow. I perused the internet to find out what the great minds of human history thought and they agree with me. Carl Van Vechten puts it beautifully and concisely, "There is no single quality of the cat that man could not emulate to his advantage."

So learning management skills from a dog is plainly stupid. Much more sensible is to learn from cats.  As Jeff Valdez observed, " Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow."

The clear lesson here is: managers are cats, staff are dogs.

So I thought I would impart the wisdom of cats to the put upon museum manager. Follow these five tips and you can't go wrong.

Five Management Secrets I Learned from My Cat. (Her name is Lulu by the way)

1. Prioritisation
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." Mary Bly

2. Pragmatic Motivation
"Essentially, you do not so much teach your cat as bribe him." Lynn Hollyn

3. Self Confidence
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." Anon

4. Assertiveness
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." Joseph Wood Krutch.

5. Ruthlessness
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." Bruce Graham.


TOO ERR IS HUMAN TO PURR FELINE


All quotes sourced from maxellah.tripod.com/catquo.htm

English English v American English

Last week I was preparing our latest temporary exhibition which commemorates the start of the War of 1812 between the USA and the British Empire. I have to admit I'm a bit behind with my exhibition timetable but luckily the trustees haven't noticed yet. However, I confidently expect to have my WWI centenary exhibition up in time (it did start on 11 November 1914 didn't it?).

Anyway my plan was to celebrate the involvement of Unreason resident George Washington in the war. Obviously not THE George Washington, but OUR George Washington, a local accountant who never left the village for the duration of the war and who died in 1815 following a bizarre gardening accident. I have high hopes for attracting confused Americans who might end up here rather than Virginia.

One must remember the watchword of museum display is AUTHENTICITY. Once you have managed to fake that convincingly then the exhibition possibilities are endless.

This brings me to the nub of this week's blog. Why is American English different from English English. Clearly we English invented the language (by way of the Romans, Germans, Celts, Indians etc. but we don't let that get in the way of this arrogant assumption). The Americans respond by observing that their accent and words are more authentic to the way English was spoken in the Seventeenth and Eighteenth Centuries (awesome dudes!).

Academics spout well researched nonsense on the subject and bigots spout emotional nonsense in blog comments sections on the subject. BUT, I will give you the truth and it relates directly to the outbreak of the War of 1812. I discovered an AUTHENTIC diary by the Earl of Oxford giving a blow by blow account of the World Scrabble Championships of 1812.

The final that year was between the Earl of Oxford of Britain and Noah Webster of the USA. It was hoped that this would cement cordial relationships following the unfortunate kerfuffle between the two nations at the end of the previous century. Instead it led to war.

A tight match was characterised by excessive cheating by the American, and entirely reasonable re-interpretation of the rules by the Earl of Oxford (because an Englishman never cheats).

Relations began to sour in round 5 when the Earl of Oxford used autumn for 8 points getting to a double word score for 16 points. He described it as the season between summer and winter. Webster objected to the use of the word as 'fall' was the accepted English term for the season. Also it was just a misspelled French word and therefore against the rules. Oxford said it was old English autumpne and as the England was the older country anyway he should allowed to use it.

Round 6 saw Oxford looking to get rid of a spare 'u' put down the word 'colour'. Webster said it was a misspelling. The Earl asked Webster to prove it. Webster asked for a dictionary, at which point the Earl produced the 'Oxford English Dictionary'. Webster objected that it was handwritten on the back of a restaurant menu, but had to admit that the twelve words on the pamphlet included colour, flavour and saviour.

Relations began to break down further  in round 7 when Webster went for a 29 point scoring sympathize Oxford objected to the 'z',

      "But we always spell it that way - oh and by the way it's pronounced zee" was the unreasonable reply.

      "Show me",  said the Earl. At which point 'Webster's Dictionary' was produced.

     "But it's the 'Oxford English Dictionary' with the words 'Oxford English' crossed out and the word 'Webster' added and where have all the 'z's come from...and where have all the 'u''s gone?" 

        "Revised and Updated Edition" was the only reply he received.

Round 8 was the last straw. The Earl needed to get a triple word score to win and put down aluminium. Webster exploded.

     "It's aluminum! You've slipped that extra 'i' just to get to the triple'"

     "I think if you refer the Oxford English Dictionary Revised Updated and Improved Edition, you will find the correct spelling."

      "That's even more blatant cheating than I've managed!!!" Noah exclaimed

      "No-one calls an Englishman a cheat and gets away with it! This means war!" was the Earl's understandably appropriate reaction.

Thus the modern world was born and American's and the British have been at loggerheads over their shared language ever since. Although in the end Webster had the last laugh. He got his dictionary properly printed in 1828 but the Earl of Oxford did not live to see his dictionary produced in 1895 (the senile old man had made a point of being buried in an aluminium coffin).

The full story can be found at the Museum of Unreason temporary exhibition space until November 2014. On display will be:

• The original plastic scrabble pieces from the game. 
• The Earl of Oxford's diary.
• The first handwritten Oxford and Webster dictionaries,
• and George Washington's lawnmower.

The themes on the interpretive panels will:

• explain how all foreigners are cheats
• how all Englishmen are not cheats just misunderstood. 
• the importance of George Washington to American gardening (with particular reference to the severe pruning of trees)

See you in Unreason soon.

Death to Museums

In my continued search for sustainability for my independent museum, my eye was caught by a small article in the UK's quality paper of record (the Daily Mail). It confidently stated that Venezuela's (ex) President Hugo Chavez is to be preserved in a glass case in a museum.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2290032/Hugo-Chavezs-body-preserved-forever-displayed-inside-glass-tomb-museum.html

This revelation was closely followed by the death of our own beloved leader Margaret Thatcher. I feel it is no exaggeration to say that she was the only truly remarkably wonderfully wonderful Prime Minister the UK has ever had (which reminds me - I wonder why I never got that job at the National Mining Museum, or the National Museum of Scotland, or the People's Museum in Manchester).

The missed opportunity for the struggling Grantham Museum to have Mrs. T. lie in state was forgivable as we do not yet have a tradition of pickling our leaders for public consumption. For the sake of museum sustainability THIS HAS TO CHANGE.

We can start with leaders. I don't suppose the Cromwell Museum in Huntingdon will want the former Prime Minister John Major, but the Farmland Museum and Denny Abbey isn't far away from his constituency. I suggest they send a letter to Mr. Major before before too long asking that he donate his body to the museum. I think a firm promise that he won't form part of the handling collection will be important. But as we as a profession move from glass cases to 'fun interactive experiences' we may need bodies to fill up the redundant receptacles.

Once the precedent has been set
Tony Blair can gently rot in the Peace Museum in Bradford.
Gordon Brown can inflict his deathly smile in the Museum of Economics in Mexico City.
David Cameron may find a spot in the Museum of Hell in Singapore
Nick Clegg perhaps will fit nicely into the Silly Museum in Slovenia.
Feel free to suggestion where Ed Milliband might go when he dies (or would anyone notice?)

It is but a short and unreasonable step for museums to become the home for dead scientists and celebrities (although trying to find an elderly male celebrity that isn't a suspected paedophile is a tricky task nowadays). Surely the Natural History Museum has got to get David Attenborough, The Science Museum should get Stephen Hawking, The V&A Victoria Beckham and Albert Finney?

Someone has got to get the process started so the Museum of Unreason will be formally writing to  Mel Gibson and Britney Spears as the highest profile personalities that would fit into our display ethos. I'm sure I can keep them in the freezer at home until I get the lottery funding for our new Gallery of Unreason. This will give our little museum an instant international profile. Just think of the secondary spend on 'They may take our knives,  but they'll never take our teaspoons' Braveheart souvenir tea towels (at least that was what I heard when watching the film during a severe bout of tinnitus). or  "Hit me baby one more time' boxing gloves in his and her sizes.

So when people ask me what is the future of museums? I say death.

An Impassioned Plea

Some of you may be aware that the Museums Association have put a call out for papers for their annual conference. I've offered myself again this year to be a keynote speaker to give an impassioned plea on behalf of our museums. I intend to outline a convincing argument for museum managers justifying their existence when faced with budget cuts, an uncaring public and years of mocking from school friends who have proper careers.

Given that the MA seemed to have mislaid my conference suggestions for the past 5 years running I thought I would share my first draft with you all anyway.

"Dear colleagues, friends and admirers I am here to tell you that we can't let museums die!
We support a great heritage and we can't let it die just because nobody cares.

What we must remember is that our people don't go to museums; BUT they feel better, happier and more comforted knowing that we are here. Museums exist so that we can make the general public feel part of a civilised nation. Museums are symbols of who and what we are. The authorities don't really fund them to engage communities, provide education or outreach. They are funded to show the rest of the world that we have a history worth preserving; a history worth telling in paragraphs of 50 words or fewer on interpretation boards; a history worth hiding within a broken interactive that the Heritage Lottery Fund paid a fortune for. That is what makes us great.

A nation to compare us with, and I'm picking a country at random, is France. They have recently abandoned their 'Museum of France' (no sniggering at the back) as it would be too divisive. Too divisive! That shows they have no real understanding of national heritage. Why do you think the 'British Museum' is full of other people's stuff. We don't have problems, other nations have problems, and it is important for us to showcase that. The logical conclusion to draw is that other nations are too ridden with conflict and far too unappreciative of the game of cricket to deserve their own past. And a people without a national museum are nobody, were nobody, will be nobody. So the French don't get it. They should create the 'Museum of everywhere but France' and tourists will flock to it and thus it becomes one of the greatest museums in the world. That is why 75% of the visitors to the British Museum are tourists. They have come to see their history, not ours, but importantly it's their history in our museum therefore we are the great nation. To give back the Elgin Marbles to Greece would confer respect for a country that only gave the world democracy, theatre and the foundations of modern philosophy. How can that compare to binge drinking, fish and chips and Eastenders?

That is why Museums must remain free to tourists. If the financial situation becomes unsustainable then we must only excessively charge domestic visitors. Why? What about those visitors you may ask? What about them I say. They are expensive and dangerous. Emptiness does not equal pointlessness, it equals greatness. If the Queen came round for tea every week, would we still hold her in awe as she dunked her hobnobs and slurped out of her saucer? I think not. We respect her because we do not know her.

To conclude. Remain aloof, remain disengaged and therefore remain relevant to the nation as an idea of ourselves. We cannot be, and should not be purveyors of the truth (leave that to the academics in our Universities and be thankful that nobody ever reads their work). Engage and die! Fellow museum managers, we must not let the future condemn us for our errors. Preserve the past by ignoring the present and therefore secure the future.

Go back to your museums and prepare for the future by doing nothing!"

Cue a standing ovation.