Can a museum follow strict religious regime?

Faithful reader I am back from a summer sojourn touring around Engalnd's motor museums on my bike. I meditated deeply while pedalling to Beaulieu. Certainly I began to understand the Buddha's philosophy that all life is suffering. Even a new padded saddle purchased from Halford's on the M3 at Winchester failed to ease my pain. Are saddle sores a barrier to achieving Nirvana? Undaunted, in true Buddhist fashion I do cherish the (museum) world and love it without limit, so a sore bottom is a small price to pay for the knowledge that I will be reborn as an object in one of the world's great museums, I'm not being picky, but the Smithsonian will do nicely.

These spiritual meanderings have led me to think I should review our museum practice based on religious doctrines. Given that my museum operates within a Judeo-Christian culture I should stop following the pathway of Buddhism by trying to make all museum visitors suffer. But can the wisdom of the Bible help? I only quote from the King James version which is the greatest, best and only version worthy of God's true wisdom. I would recommend a quick perusal of the book of Leviticus for some eye watering religious requirements, but I will start more gently with St. Paul's first epistle to Timothy in Ephesus.

1. Dress code (1 Timothy 2:9)
"...that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;"

Not really a problem, but it is tempting to try and confiscate the pearls from the necks of some of our regular visitors which might help balance the budget. 

also (Leviticus 19:19)

"...neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee."

Oh dear, many of my suits are consigned to the dustbin as well.

2. Canteen menu (Leviticus 11:4 & 11:29)

"...shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you."

"These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse, and the tortoise after his kind,"

I have no problem taking camels and mice off the cafe menu, although foregoing the occasional weasel butty may be more of a hardship.

3. Personal Appearance (Leviticus 19:28)

"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you:"

Sadly I'm going to have to let our 16 year old work experience girl, Wendy, go as her penchant for 'body art' condemns her to hell. A quick trip to get the likeness of Simon Schama removed from my left buttock is already pencilled in the diary.

4. Remuneration (Proverbs 23:4)

"Labour not to be rich: cease from thine own wisdom."

This is not usually a problem in the museum world, but a swift cut of volunteer expenses should suffice. I interpret, 'cease from thine own wisdom' as 'don't think about it too much', which will be my retort when they complain.

5. School Visits (Psalms 137:9)

"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

I can but dream.

6. Sunday opening (Exodus 31:15)

"...whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death."

That puts an end to that argument 

7. Staff Room Manners (Ephesians 5:4)

"Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks."

That should cut down the ribald conversation from my blue-rinse volunteers at tea breaks

8. Respect for senior staff (Leviticus 19:32) 

"Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man,"

It is already on the noticeboard in the staff room. 

9. New interpretation strategy? (Leviticus 19:16)

"Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people:"

Remove all object labels and interpretation panels and see what happens?

10. Homosexuality is OK in a museum (Levitics 18:22)

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

Given the prevailing view to interpret the bible literally, we have general policy that there should be no lying down in our display areas. That means no sleepovers in the galleries which is a bit of a shame, but it does mean that everyone is welcome in our museum.

You may think I have selected randomly from the bible and removed the context of the quotations (just like a museum collection) and can be open to criticism. 

Such criticisms are irrelevant as they will confirm that I am already on the express train to eternal damnation and that many of you are on the train with me, so let's enjoy living life and the myriad of experiences that the world has to offer; the alternative is less attractive:

"Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword." (Deuteronomy 13:15)

 God help us all.

 

Will the last one to leave please turn the lights off

*Adapted from an image in a The Atlantic article 'A World Without Work' July/August 2015 
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/07/world-without-work/395294/

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say To A Curator

"What budget do you need for future acquisitions?"

"Clear your accessioning backlog by the weekend."

"I need you to give a half hour talk to the 65 seven year old school kids from the local inner city school on our early Twentieth Century Vorticist art collection tomorrow."

"Can I borrow your stuffed badger from the natural history collection for a stag party I'm having this weekend?"

"Can you show the St.Vitus Dance tour group around the ceramics open display?"

"Please let me see inside your store, just once, go on, you know you want to."

"Do you wear your nitrile gloves in bed?"

"Handling collections are important too"

"Can't you sell it on Ebay?"

"Your round!"

More Gnomic Aphorisms for Museums

In my self anointed role as museum guru I often tweet remarkably deep and important thoughts about museums and the museum world. Some of them are appreciated, some of them aren't, but I think I'm beginning to see a shift in museum practice as a consequence. I like to think the British Museum's Community Conference was inspired by the Museum of Unreason's weekly 'let's talk about it in the pub' sessions. Perhaps the V&A's desire to embrace the loss of curatorial control via social media is a direct mirroring of my own loss of control after Theakston's Old Peculier has worked its singular magic during my sessions 'in the pub'.

During the month of May I have been tweeting my manifesto to the world in 140 characters or less. Here they are collected in one place as a resource for history to thank me for in the centuries to come.


Importance of Museums

"I don't think many people have a very good understanding of museums and the importance they could play in their lives."

"In museums nearly everything we do is of no importance, but it is important that we do it."

"Museums,if poor, are of no importance, and if excellent, of infinite importance. The only thing is they cannot be is moderately important."

"For sustainability what is required is a profound and thorough conviction of the justice, necessity and importance of museums by museums."

"We shouldn't stop talking about the importance of our museums & culture because the well-being of society is directly linked to them."

"I see little of more importance to the future of our country and of civilisation than full recognition of the place of the museum."

"Without a museum, society is a flock of sheep without a shepherd but without innovation, a museum is a living corpse."


Museum Funding

"The importance of money to museums flows from it being a non-existent in the present with the likelihood of there being less in the future."

"Museums for museums' sake is a philosophy of the well-funded."

"Museums should be more about making an impact on society, rather than making an income from society."



Future of Museums 

"The only way to predict the future  for your museum is to shape your own future for it, not leave it to gov’t."

"Surely museum sustainability depends on changing thinking to become something that society 'needs to have' rather than 'would like to have'."

"Museums are not a product of their circumstances. They are a product of their decisions and the quicker they realise this the better."

"The best time to have rethought your museum was 10 years ago - the second best time is now."



Museums as Cultural Hubs

"For a museum to be a cultural leader is not to have all the ideas; it's to create a culture where everyone can have ideas & feel valued."

"Diversity in museums results from the real interchange of ideas, objects and influences, not from the insular development of a single idea."

"We should not want museums for the few any more than education for the few, or freedom for the few."

Secret of Good Exhibitions

"The aim of a museum is to display not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance for humanity."

"The basic principle of a museum exhibition must be to make us pause."

"A good museum exhibition allows you to enter it from a variety of angles and to emerge with a variety of views."

"Great museums discuss ideas; average museums discuss events; poor museums discuss people."

"Museums must never, ever underestimate the importance of having fun."

"Museums should not merely be a pleasure. They must give spectacular joy to life & contribute immensely to goodwill and happy companionship."

"It isn't what a museum looks like but what it is that is of basic importance."

"Museums must understand the importance of engaging with the bond of children with their parents through learning.."

"To make us feel small in the right way is a function of a museum; the trouble is many make us feel small in the wrong way."

"Shouldn’t a museum's philosophy be, ‘If it can’t be fun what’s the point in doing it?'."

Museums as Repositories of Material Culture

"All objects are subject to museums interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

"Nothing is so frustrating or futile as museum with ambition but without systematic knowledge & collections to underpin it."

"Time extracts various values from objects. When these are exhausted & the original uses are forgotten then they will be donated to a museum."

"Museums shouldn’t be all about getting and having bigger collections, they should be about giving and being."

"Curatorship: the art of protecting old things from the weather."

"Will all human experience eventually crumble and end up lost in museum stores?"

"The world exists to end up in a museum."

Medical Museum Entry Signs

On a recent walking tour of medical museums I was struck by their innate cleanliness and general bedside manner of their staff, but most of all by their friendly welcoming entry signs on their front doors.

Association of Coloproctologists of Great Britain Museum -
                                          'To enter - go where no person has gone before'

British Dental Association Museum - ‘Open wide'

Royal College Psychiatrists Museum, 'Pull on the knob/penis/mother/handle to enter'

The British Association of Urological Surgeons Museum, 

          'Enter when you like but when you've got to go you've REALLY GOT TO GO'

British Cardiovascular Society Museum, 'Enter and we'll be with you in a heartbeat'

Association of Surgeons of Great Britain and Ireland Museum, 

                            'Please wash your hands before entering'

UK Gynaecology Society Museum - 'Please open the letterbox for attention'

Association of British Neurologists Museum 'Enter if you have a mind to'

ENT Society Museum 'Enter here for a limited sensory experience'

Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health Museum 'Adults Only'

British Geriatrics Society Museum 'Enter quickly before you forget why you came'

Imagine?

Imagine no museums
It's easy if you try
No memories for us
We can only cry
Imagine all the people
Existing in dismay...

Imagine there's no museums
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to visit or live for
And no libraries too
Imagine all the people whose
Cultural life will cease...

You may say its a nightmare
But you're not the only one
I fear someday they'll close us
And our world will be undone

Imagine no museums
I wonder if you can
No fun for kids or younger
A wilderness for man
Imagine all the people
Despairing at the world...

You may say its a nightmare
But you're not the only one
I hope someday they'll fund us
And museums will live again



As John Lennon himself said,

"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have
the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."



Let us all scream so that someone in power notices the museum sector drowning.

Can the Museums Association Learn From FIFA?

OK so you are corrupt, egotistical, sexist, ethically challenged and living proof that you don't have to be popular to be in charge. Well you are not alone - so is Sepp Blatter (or should I say WAS Sepp Blatter who selfishly resigned just as I had started a blog page on his impressive survival techniques even in the face of truth, justice and the American way).

So is Sepp Blatter the typical head of an association? I think I can honestly say NO. The Museums Association has never left $10000 in a brown envelope in my hotel room when I've attended their conference. But given that we are an enlightened liberal profession, is there anything the Museums Association can learn from Mr. Blatter? Of course there is. 

1. One Museum One Vote

Young Mr. Blatter kept in power at FIFA by using the single vote system; giving a pseudo-country like the Faroes has as much power as England (another pseudo-country, but you get my point). So he extended memberships to anybody who could kick a ball diluting the power of the 'big boys'. So the obvious way forward is for the president of the MA Board to change the constitution to make it 1 museum 1 vote, then the Museum of Unreason would have the same influence as the British Museum - making us much more democratic so that us 'little boys' are not bullied by the superior professionalism, experience and ethics of the well-run organisations.

2. Spread the Love

Blatter used funds generated by the powerful nations and distributed them across the world. A simple lesson to be learned here is to use some of the British Museums funding and distribute it unevenly across the Museum sector. That would guarantee Museum of Unreason's vote for president.

3. Have Nothing to Hide

As Uncle Sepp once said in 2003, "Neither FIFA nor its president have anything to hide, nor do they wish to," This is an obvious management tip. Lie and keep lying only until a long gaol term beckons. I notice this hasn't been part of the Museums Association's recent ethics consultation - MA missing a trick?

4. Move to Switzerland

Swiss privacy laws are your friend even when you have nothing to hide, it avoids wasting time answering unnecessary questions so you can get on with the job unhindered. MA take note there may be some cheap office accommodation becoming available in Lucerne shortly - and London is sooo expensive.

5. Hang around long enough and make everyone scared of change

Blatter had something in common with Syria's Bashar al-Assad and many many bad managers who tend to hang around too long. Simply don't move on, don't resign, don't die and use the techniques outlined above to keep in power. In the museum world you could even die and be put into storage before anybody notices. As Confucius himself said, "Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change." Are you wise or stupid? I'm proud to say I'm both.

I'll leave the final word to Sepp himself (suitably adapted for my audience)

"The Museums Association stands for discipline, respect, fair-play, not just in museums, but in our society as well."

Hear! Hear!