Hairy Trotter and the Deathly Board of Shadows

"An effective board of trustees should be able to draw on a diverse range of skills, knowledge, qualities and experience to help it fulfil its roles." National Council for Voluntary Organisations 


The Museum of Unreason is taking the tortuous and twisted journey towards becoming the Unreasonable Trust. Museum manager Frank Unreasoning has been using the Yorkshire Renaissance step by step guide to creating a trust as his guide into these uncharted waters. He is helped in this process by the cleaner SUE (Seriously Under Employed) and the Chair of the Friends Group BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody). Frank is now concerned with recruiting the SHADOW BOARD OF TERROR.


A couple of hours quiet contemplation in the central cubicle of the gents toilet in the Museum of Unreason allowed me to come up with a list of skills needed for the new board written on our official museum stationery.

• Legal knowledge
• Financial knowledge
• Knowledge of the community
• Knowledge of the museum
• NOW WASH YOUR HANDS
• Negotiating skills
• Team working skills
• Fund raising skills 
• Networking abilities

Not a bad list, but other than myself who would embody all these attributes? Remembering my strategic planning skills I've come up with a vision of the ideal 'Unreasonable Board'.

• Legal knowledge - If only Franz Kafka was still alive. He wrote 'The Trial' which neatly encapsulates a typical museum manager's paranoia - or is that just me? He'd bring a much needed light-heartedness to board meetings. Plus his definition of lawyers is so perceptive, "It's only because of their stupidity that they're able to be so sure of themselves." I must quote that to our solicitors (Pricey, Inept and Tardy Partners) sometime.

• Financial knowledge - Bernard Madoff, recently arrested for $50bn fraud on US Stock Market. He will have some time on his hands - although attending meetings might be a problem unless he gets a Community Service Order. I would trust him to see us through the choppy financial waters with innovative thinking such as moving the museum to the Bahamas.

• Knowledge of the community - I'm thinking L.Ron Hubbard the founder of Scientology (he's not dead because we are all immortal) would get the community into shape and probably not want to let the visitors leave at the end of the day thereby increasing secondary spend.

• Knowledge of the museum - that has to be the cleaner Sue, if I ask her to be on the board she might tell me where she's hidden all the toilet rolls.

• NOW WASH YOUR HANDS - Howard Hughes?

• Negotiating skills - Its got to be Jeremy Hunt, how he is still in his job must be down to this skill

• Team working skills - The problem is that we don't have multiple occupancy toilet cubicles for our meetings (I'd better put that in the business plan). I'm convinced that would help us get to know each other a lot better. George Michael springs to mind as a man with a good reputation for sharing in public toilets.

• Fund raising skills - my new Russian girlfriend seems to have some good ideas*

• Networking abilities - Rupert Murdoch could make a good team with the board's negotiator.

It sounds like Bob has entered the cubicle beside me, I suppose I have to ask him to be the Chair.

Next week - detailed business planning

* as mentioned in my last blog I had a hot date with 'Olga' this weekend. Meeting her was a bit of a surprise as she didn't look much like her picture. She was closer to 50 than 18, grey haired rather than blonde and a man rather than a woman. Those things aside, it was still exciting as she was my first ever proper girlfriend. Also I never realised how expensive penicillin was in Russia, but I've set up a direct debit to ensure Olga's sick grandmother gets the best treatment she can. I also leant Olga the airfare to go back to Russia to tell her the good news. She's promised to write and said we'll get married as soon as she returns. Let me tell you it was the most exciting 5 minutes of my life.

Who To Trust Too - legal matters

The Museum of Unreason is taking the long and lonely journey towards becoming the Unreasonable Trust. Museum manager Frank Unreasoning has been using the Yorkshire Renaissance step by step guide to creating a trust as his guide into these uncharted waters. He is helped in this process by the cleaner SUE (Seriously Under Employed) and the Chair of the Friends Group BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody).

Having successfully completed the 'Part 1 Feasibility Stage'  in the centre cubicle of the gents toilet, I waited there until all the staff had gone home. It only remained for me to actually get the public out of the building and close the doors to enable 'Part 2 The Detailed Planning Phase' to begin in earnest.

Part 2 The Detailed Planning Phase

LEGAL - Prepare necessary documentation.

Having found a cushion for the toilet seat and put in an extra order for toilet rolls for the paperwork I had the supplies ready to start to 'prepare the necessary documentation'. After quite a considerable length of time (increased by having to follow the order to 'now wash your hands' at the bottom of every sheet) I finished the document.

Although every museum manager must be able to multitask I realised that I was not legally trained so I needed some advice (even Sue couldn't help with this). However recently the council had outsourced our legal advice to 'Pricey, Inept and Tardy' solicitors in the High Street. Consultation with them was bound to use up the remaining museum budget so I hit upon a good plan. I anonymously sent the draft legal agreement to them coupled with a bomb warning and threatened to detonate it in 72 hours unless they gave me advice to be deposited in the form of a telephone box sex ad number at the booth on the corner by the chip shop. Photos of some old WWII ammunition in the Museum of Unreason's collection proved useful in this respect (note to self, take them out of the schools handling collection and put them into a secure store).

This plan turned out slightly more expensive than I imagined as there were a lot of numbers to go through before finding the right one. However, on the plus side I learned some interesting new 'exercises' which may be possible after a drastic weight loss programme and a series of yoga sessions. Even better, I have date this weekend with a genuine high class playful Russian lady who is very anxious to meet me, but who has an ailing grandmother in Moscow. I hope I can help her in some way.

Eventually I got my advice.

"Frank is that you again? We have a council retainer so the advice won't cost you anything, but thank you for your document as we were running short of toilet roll supplies. It seems the supply company has run out because of a massive order from another organisation. We have a standard set of documents that we can send to the museum or put in a skip round the corner if you prefer."

I opted for the skip just to be safe.

Documentation successfully prepared I went to the next step.

LEGAL  - Establish shadow board and chair-designate

Easy  - a quick trip to Homebase for a bright light, chipboard and an office chair seemed would solve that problem. As I was setting this up the cleaner advised me that it should involve people as well and furthermore where was she expected to put all the toilet rolls? So I quickly retired to the central cubicle of the gents toilet again to wait for the Bob to come in so that I could offer him another piece of furniture to sit on.


Next week - recruiting the shadow board

Who To Trust?

The Museum of Unreason's complete and utter failure to gain Arts Council Major Grunt funding has led to plan B. We will become a Trust. Is this a good thing? Like any good manager I've broken the task down into manageable stages.

Stage 1: research
I've heard of the National Trust, an organisation dedicated to preserving the smell of lavender in retail outlets. I've also heard of the Welcome Trust, an organisation dedicated to preserving doormats (I think). Research over.

Stage 2: steal other ideas
Result! I discover Renaissance Yorkshire's, "An Opportunity for Change" the ideal planning aid

http://www.yorkmuseumstrust.org.uk/assets/exploring_trust_option_for_museum_services.pdf

This document offers a step by step planning guide for competent museum managers. Alas Renaissance never produced a guide for incompetent managers.

Stage 3: read and weep

Stage 4: have several cups of coffee and have the document explained to you by the cleaner (Peterhouse Cambridge, double first BA in History and Politics, MA in the History of Philosophical Thought and PhD in European Union Cultural Identity)  who isn't able to get a job in the museum because she is under qualified.

Stage 4: start the feasibility stage - part 1

LEGAL
Assess your current legal position - That's easy, 3 points on my driving licence and a police ban on going within 300 yards of the Dog and Whistle pub in my local village (perhaps that will be the subject of another blog - suffice to say she started it!).

BUSINESS
Define intention - Definite intention to be a business
Define Position - Currently in centre cubicle of gents toilet hiding from the cleaner
Identify options - Climbing out the window seems most likely
Assess options - I'm not as young as I was and I've put on a bit of weight recently so its going to be a tight squeeze
Develop recommendation for future governance - get bigger windows in the gents toilet

COMMUNICATION
Identify stakeholders - That must be the chair of the friends group, I like to call him BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody)
Inform stakeholders - Message already written on the toilet roll
Keep stakeholders informed appropriately - Trying to throw the toilet roll through the window is proving trickier than expected
Discuss findings with stakeholders - I suppose I'll have to wait until Bob's next bowel movement

Part 2 next week.