Why Monty Python? Well, this week I read an article concerning 'The Monty Python Guide to Running a Business'*. Silly me, I hadn't realised that the Pythons were actually business gurus and not just very naughty boys.
Thus while I sit here in my Santa Claus suit in the Museum of Unreason Christmas Grotto, my thoughts have turned to the benefits of ageing Oxbridge educated schoolboy humour for museums. The Christmas Grotto is a last minute innovation for the museum sparked by the news that Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery is not having theirs this year**. So I have persuaded the volunteers to wrap up unwanted artefacts for grotto presents as an acceptable form of ethical disposal. Unfortunately by charging £10 per child to enter the grotto (double for adults) means that we are not overwhelmed with visitors and I'm sitting here surrounded by a mound of festively wrapped horse gelding*** implements (for the girls) and scold's bridles**** (for the boys).
I'm now on my 3rd pint of the eminently quaffable Santa's Butt Porter***** that I've discreetly hidden in the seat of Santa's chair. In actuality Santa's chair is a Victorian commode reputedly used by Friedrich Engels when a young man in Manchester after a particularly excessive evening sampling some slightly undercooked Hindle Wakes******. It was this particular experience that inspired him to write the Communist Manifesto... apparently. Now it makes an excellent beer store.
So, I've decided the best way forward is to ignore Monty Python's business acumen and simply suggest renaming museums and their galleries after famous Monty Python quotes. Try this at your museum Christmas party. Here's my effort:
Museum of London Archaeology Gallery - What have the Romans ever done for us?
British Historical Taxidermy Society - The parrot is no more
People's History Museum - Come and see the violence inherent in the system
National Trust Cheddar Gorge Visitor Centre & Shop - Blessed are the cheesemakers
Thackray Medical Museum - I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments
Imperial War Museum - Well, warfare isn't all fun
National Horseracing Museum - You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together
Museum of the Dead - Well, that's cast a gloom over the evening...
The Veterinary Museum - Your cat is suffering from what we vets haven’t found a word for
Natural History Museum - All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and the thin again at the far end
Museum of Unreason - Your type really makes me puke you vacuous, toffy-nosed, malodorous pervert! (which coincidentally is an extract from our customer care policy)
What this all means is......(at this point a large cartoon foot descends to squash the blog)
Merry Christmas!
*http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/the-monty-python-guide-to-running-a-business.html
**http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-25230304
*** gelding - as a verb relates to the act of castration of horses primarily to make the animal calmer and better behaved (source Wikipedia)
***scold's bridle - An instrument of punishment used primarily on women, as a form of torture and public humiliation. The device was an iron muzzle in an iron framework that enclosed the head. A bridle-bit, about 2 inches long and 1 inch broad, projected into the mouth and pressed down on top of the tongue.The curb-plate was frequently studded with spikes, so that if the offender moved her tongue, it inflicted pain and made speaking impossible (source Wikipedia)
**** This special holiday porter brewed by Ridgeway in Reading is made for winter - rich and warming, the way they like it at the North Pole. It was inspired by this famous line from a well-loved children’s storybook: "And Santa sat on his great butt, enjoying a hardy brew...", ideal for museum staff everywhere.
*****Boiled chicken stuffed with prunes, simmered overnight and served, hot or cold, with a lemon-flavoured gravy - yum
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