Effective Project Management

Many people have asked me, "How on earth can you be a project manager?" Of course what they are really asking is, "Please advise me on the realities of project management", I then proceed to do so at length. They then show their enthusiasm by running off at speed in the opposite direction to get their projects started.

So it's about time the world at large took tips from the master.

Firstly, what is a project? 

The Project Management Institute define it as,

'a temporary group activity designed to produce a unique product, service or result.'

Clearly they have no idea. What a project is in reality is,

'a never ending solo activity with a bunch of time-wasters designed to produce frustration, disaster and hair loss'

Given that every project is destined to fail, the prime skill of any project manager is to survive it without losing your job.

The project can then be broken down into this realistic model that a careful manager can achieve successfully. This process should be undertaken quickly with supreme confidence whilst conveying an heir of frustrated ambition (practice it in the mirror).

1. Enthusiasm

Start with enthusiasm as you need to recruit the time-wasters. You need to find victims for later, so at least one member of the project needs to be expendable. But if you actually find anyone with any competence then delegate/delegate/delegate.

2. Disillusionment

This follows hot on the heels of stage 1. The instant realisation, now that you've actually bothered to look at the project, that you lack the time, money, resources, skills and general ability to achieve the project - a particularly acute problem with large Heritage Lottery Funded projects. Your job as project manager is then to move directly to stage 3.

3. Panic
Delegate everything with impossible deadlines and treat yourself to a short holiday at this point, upon return move swiftly to stage 4.

4. Search for the guilty

If you have mistakenly recruited clever people then they will be covering their tracks like mad. If this is the case don't waste your time and move briskly onto stage 5.

5. Punishment of the innocent

This is where the sensible recruitment process now reaps its dividends. Remove the victim recruited at stage 1. The really clever bit of this project management model is the final stage 6

6. Praise and honours for the non-participants

This encourages those not in the initial project team to come in and work doubly hard to salvage what they can from the wreckage of the project, whilst you keep a watchful eye on potential victims as you put in your Arts Council Strategic Grant bid and move directly to stage 1 again.

Follow this advice and you will never be sacked for a failed project again. The main thing that kills a project manager is the hope of success. Being 90% successful and just failing is just as bad as a 10% success but a lot harder work. So set yourself up to fail, its a lot less stress and work. Then if you accidentally succeed it's a bonus (but make sure to take the credit). 

Happy managing!