Bonkers Conspiracy Theories

Museum staff feel so downtrodden nowadays that they sometimes think there is a conspiracy against them. However, as repositories and purveyors of truth we know that we can have no time for such nonsense. So in order cheer up museum staff and volunteers, I thought I would document and analyse conspiracy theories that WON'T forming part of a museum exhibition near you anytime soon.


President Obama is an Alien

Can we believe it - yes we can!

Apparently President Obama isn't popular with some of his constituency. We have known for sometime that he is a Kenyan Muslim who killed his grandmother to cover it up who is out to tax you out of existence, take your guns, your jobs and swamp you in illegal immigrants. Ho hum, so far so run of the mill for a leader in a democratic country that thinks creationism is science and and that Fox News is a reputable journalistic organisation.

But this all makes sense when you realise he is an alien. Why are the circumstances of his birth so difficult to pin down? Why does the way he tilts his head remind you of a lizard? And the way he speaks - does any human speak that way normally? Why does he want so much power over his citizens. Obamacare is just his way of trying to keep the population healthy in order to farm their organs for his nefarious alien purposes. Rumours that he has ordered 200 copies of Erich Von Daniken's Chariots of the Gods for his Presidential Library are true!

As the theory develops monitor it all on www.obamaisanalien.com

I just hope the Roswell UFO Museum won't video his autopsy when his spirit is transported back to planet OBAM.

Fortunately we will be getting the much more human Donald Trump as the leader of the free world this year.



Dinosaurs Built the Pyramids

This thesis depends on taking the Christian view that dinosaurs and humans existed at the same time.
Accept that, then it becomes obvious that they would put them to use to help build the pyramids.
Think of the Flintstones and you won't go far wrong (I didn't realise The Flintstones cartoon was fundamentalist Christian propaganda either).

Now we all know the planet is only 6000 years old (although I suspect I have clothes in my wardrobe that are older) and that the book of Isaiah does mention dragons*, which means 'How to Train Your Dragon' is another documentary. Just think of the eggs for breakfast!

This dinosaur theory comes out of the Accelerated Christian Academy in Malta. This august body sounds like a place of great educational excitement. Slightly disappointingly this theory isn't actually taught as fact, but is only the personal view of Vince Fenech, the director of the Academy. But he does have proof the world was created in 40004B.C. It's good to know young minds are in safe hands.

Should you send your children there?

Yabba Dabba Don't!



The Moon Doesn't Exist

Now we all know that the moon landings were faked, and we now know they must have been faked because the moon itself doesn't exist according to this theory. The moon is in fact a hologram. The truth is available to us all on You Tube (that well known peer reviewed digital science journal).

I've linked to one of the videos that shows the convincing evidence

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3axPn65MGM

The difference is that this conspiracy theorist believes the moon exists, but is being covered by a hologram to hide the construction work that is going on there. He is clearly an idiot, of course the moon doesn't exist, because it sometimes disappears (for maintenance? Changing the bulb?) then reappears gradually.

Scientifically there are obvious reasons why the moon isn't real. For example how can such a large and heavy piece of cheese be trapped in the Earth's gravitational pull without coming crashing down, melting as it enters the atmosphere and turning the Earth into a large ball of fondue?




Where Did The Time Go?

We've all had that feeling.

However, what you didn't know is that we've actually lost 300 years. Apparently the years 641 to 911 never happened. It was first realised by a splendidly named Heribert Illig a German historian. It occurred when we changed from the Julian calendar (in use from 45BC) to the Gregorian one in 1582. The Gregorian calendar was designed to correct for a ten-day discrepancy caused by the fact that the Julian year was 10.8 minutes too long. But the 1,627 years which had passed since the Julian calendar started should have accrued a thirteen-day discrepancy… a ten-day error would have only taken 1,257 years. Those three days equates to about 300 years.

The reason for this was a conspiracy between the Holy Roman Emperor, Otto III and Pope Sylvester II. They manipulated the calendar so that they could rule in the year epochal year of 1,000. It seems like a lot of effort for little return. However, it would be obvious that the missing years would be known as the Dark Ages (it also sounds like good subject for a Dr. Who episode). That is why there is little surviving evidence from the period and apparently what there is is actually forged - Charlemagne and the Prophet Mohammed never existed.

Boring individuals might suggest he got his sums wrong as the calendars were synchronised from the date of the Council of Nicaea in 325AD. What nonsense!

I'm convinced and I now know why is there no archaeological evidence of the wiping out of the Briton population.  So I will be removing our Anglo-Saxon display - and replacing our 1066 diorama so that William the Conquerer defeats the Romans.







* "Was it not You who cut Rahab in pieces, Who pierced the dragon?" Isaiah 51:9

Twelve Things to Remember

As with every new year, I look for ways to try and get the year off on the right foot. How can we improve the quality of what we do? How can we enhance our customer care? How can I  lick my own elbow?

Trying to take inspiration from the private sector I came across a chap called Marshall Field. He was an American entrepreneur who established a range of department stores in the second half of the Nineteenth Century. He became a big success by actually thinking about the customer. He was the man who made unconditional refunds and consistent pricing the norm in retail. In fact the cliché, 'the customer is always right' is attributed to him. The actual phrase he used was,

"Assume that the customer is right until it is plain beyond all question he is not."

A slightly more conditional phrase, but still spot on in terms of customer relations common sense.

Anyway I came across him as the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago is named after him when he helped fund the establishment of the museum. As an aside it is alleged an employee defrauded the museum of nearly $1m. a couple of years ago - if only my museum was rich enough  to enable me to do that. Stealing the days takings from my museum would probably not even cover my round in the pub, I usually end up topping up the till from loose change I find down the back of the sofa. I digress...

However Marshall Field apparently had a mantra of twelve things to remember.

• The value of time
• The success of perseverance
• The pleasure of working
• The dignity of simplicity
• The worth of character
• The power of kindness
• The influence of example
• The obligation of duty
• The wisdom of economy
• The virtue of patience
• The improvement of talent
• The joy of origination

Let's see if it works.

If you follow a mantra let me know, Happy New Year

A New Year Resolution

Supplied by talented young artist Jessica Moore

Having broken my computer this autumn and on my impoverished museum wages it has taken a while to save up for a new (reconditioned) one. I still have much to say on the subject of museums, so the regular blog will be back in the new year.

In the meantime I thought it was high time I refreshed my image and brought it up to date. I think the above image matches my inclusive and democratic management style, but is actually much more colourful than I am. More importantly it accurately the early 20th Century thinking of museums in this country and the fact that the nation continues to need them - probably more than ever.

Enjoy your new year celebrations wherever you are and promise me that you will make the following resolution

"In 2016 I will make sure my local museum does not close"

Happy New Year from all at the Museum of Unreason

Museums: the powerful disseminators of radical thought?

Having recently discovered the writings of the great early Twentieth Century anarchist Emma Goldman. I note that she was particularly engaged with culture as a means of the dissemination of ideas. In her world view ideally as a disseminator of radical thought. Theatre was seen as a powerful tool, for example here is her analysis of George Bernard Shaw's 'Major Barbara' in her essay 'The Social Significance of Modern Drama'.

"...Shaw the dramatist is closer to life--closer to reality, closer- to the historic truth that the people wrest only as much liberty as they have the intelligence to want and the courage to take."

Her subtle and insightful analysis of Shaw, of Major Barbara, and humanity, and society in general is brilliant.

However, before I get carried away, I must bring this back to museums. Are we, as museum practitioners, intelligent enough and courageous enough to get closer to the lives of our audience, to the historic truth of our mission and liberty of thought?

We as a profession in this country have suffered from uncertainty and a lack of confidence for many years. Although this hasn't been only limited to museums as cultural institutions, has this existential angst grown to tip the unconscious into the conscious of our exhibitions, events and education activities?

Can we give a much stronger voice to our longing for social change that values intellectual inquiry and cultural activity in the same way Emma Goldman hoped that theatrical drama would? She had Chekhov and Gorki and the various Russian Revolutions to excite her. We are up against the X Factor, Strictly Come Dancing and political  and intellectual apathy, surely museums must fill that gap. We and Goldman must be the same, here's an edited extract from 'Anarchism and other essays'
She could equally expressing hope for museums as she is for theatrical drama,

"...what other medium could rouse the indignation of Man's conscience? Self-satisfied as the 'cultured' usually are, they could not understand why one should fuss about the fact that thousands of people were starving. Surrounded by beauty...,they could not believe that side by side with them lived human beings degraded to a position lower than a beast's...without hope or ambition. "

Can we be,

"...a bomb explosion, shaking the social structure to its very foundations."

I may just be dreaming, but wouldn't it be wonderful to change lives in this way. If I may be free to be inspired by Goldman again.

The modern museum, operating through the double channel of curator and interpreter, affecting as it does both mind and heart, can be the strongest force in developing social capital, swelling the powerful tide of knowledge over the dam of ignorance, prejudice and superstition.

I like to think that is why we do what we do.

Labour Elect a People's Museum

Saturday 12th September

Headline in the Independent newspaper website (who buys newspapers anymore?)

"Jeremy Corbyn wins Labour leadership election: Landslide victory over Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall"

Suddenly Conservative Party members are rubbing their hands at the prospect of electoral victories for many years to come and the left wing establishment are collectively facepalming. Tim Farron (who is Tim Farron you might ask? The Lib Dem leader since July in case you hadn't noticed - along with the rest of the country) suddenly sees the prospect of a revival of the centre left in politics and in his dreams.

Why? Because Jeremy Corbyn is a piece of Labour party heritage, a living museum piece. New Labour is no more, Old Labour is back. Just like museums! We are currently trying to make the past relevant to modern audiences, we are trying to get objects out of glass cases and putting them into the hands of the general public. Why shouldn't political parties do the same? 

"...objects are able to take the visitor back in time to discover the people involved."*

Jeremy Corbyn is such an object. Let him take you back to a world where:

• railways are state run
• there's a 75% top rate of tax on the wealthy
• no nuclear weapons
• strong rent controls
• no tuition fees
• no wars in the east

That is enough to bring a nostalgic tear to citizens of a certain age. It is not the mythical past that UKIP are trying to recreate, but to a recognisably pre-Thatcherite age. Will it happen?

What commentators seem to have forgotten is that all the above policies have widespread support from the British general public. Indeed, it seems we are all closet old labour socialists. But will we come out of the closet and begin going on protest marches and vote Labour ever again?

Another way of putting it, are we as likely to vote Labour as to think going to a museum is a good thing to do on a weekend?  We all know museums are important. We all know that they play an important part in preserving our culture. We know where they are, but do we go there? Or does the IKEA sale, the round of golf or just festering quietly in front of 'Murder She Wrote' seem more attractive?

Sadly I fear Jeremy Corbyn, will go the way of publicly funded museums. He is a good idea, even necessary perhaps, and although we implicitly support his ideology we won't vote for him.  His inevitable crushing defeat at the next General Election and subsequent resignation will leave the posh boys** in charge for another term.

Do we get the politician's we deserve? Sometimes we do, but we don't always vote for them.

Do we get the museum's we deserve? Sometimes we do, but we don't always visit them.

What is Jeremy Corbyn's favourite museum? I would put my meagre salary on it being the People's History Museum in Manchester. A truly amazing museum, with truly amazing staff - but have you visited it recently?

Sadly it is a possibility that neither Mr. Corbyn or the People's History Museum will be around in 2020, and who's fault is that?

You have been warned.

All together now!

The people's flag is deepest red,
It shrouded oft our martyred dead,
And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold,
Their hearts' blood dyed its ev'ry fold.

etc.

 

*D.Lynn McTierney, Smithsonian Institute, http://museumstudies.si.edu/McRainey.htm 
** posh boys - a technical term roughly defined as 'an arrogantly entitled male elite'. Google the term and a pictures of our present Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer feature prominently. I will of course be voting for them in the next election to keep UKIP out.

Good quotes to adapt for your next museum staff meeting

1. "I don't want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs." Samuel Goldwyn

2. "Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train." Jim Halpert, The Office

3. "Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders." Sloan Wilson

4. "The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts."Anonymous

5. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." Oscar Wilde

6. "The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided." Casey Stengel

7. "The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management." Scott Adams (Dilbert)

8. "Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people's drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys." Polish Proverb

9. "Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't." Margaret Thatcher

10. "If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses." Attributed to Henry Ford




source:

http://www.inc.com/john-brandon/16-funny-quotes-to-start-your-next-business-presentation.html

The Art of War: the way forward for museum managers?

Being a museum manager is often being compared to being a general in an army at war (or did I just make that up?). Sun Tzu’s book The Art of War is one of the world’s most referenced books on strategy. It is primarily bothered with the best terrain to enable you to kill your enemies more efficiently, which is why it is a properly macho work for thrusting business leaders to read. Although it was written more than 2,000 ago by someone who may, or may not, have existed, is there anything more museums can learn from the work? I should add a note of caution at this point;

"Unfortunately, the application of The Art of War is often too aggressive, short-sighted or otherwise lacking in relevance. In some cases, this broad philosophy and mindset is applied to a very minute aspect of society or life. In other cases, some aspect of our society may change and people fail to consider that Tzu's writings may not be entirely appropriate any longer, or simply not valid most of the time."*

But I am going to follow the modern zeitgeist and ignore the accusations of ancient irrelevance and wildly and irresponsibly translate Sun Tsu's lessons to museums for your benefit.

1. It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin.

Translation: working in museums is our life and will be the death of us having ruined our livers in the pub over the road.

2. According as circumstances are favourable, one should modify one’s plans.

Translation: museum circumstances are rarely favourable so why bother planning

3. Ground on which we can only be saved from destruction by fighting without delay, is desperate ground.

Translation: Collections that can only be saved from destruction by conserving without delay should be thrown in the nearest skip. 

4. On open ground, do not try to block the enemy’s way. On the ground of intersecting highways, join hands with your enemies.

Translation: When the museum door is open don't stop the visitors coming in, but once in forcibly drag them the round the displays.

5. If he is secure at all points, prepare for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him.

Translation: If a customer complaint is on its way, get your excuses prepared, if he is a body builder - hide.

6. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest.

Translation: take away all seating to get the visitors round the displays and out the door as soon as possible.

7. Prohibit the taking of omens, and do away with superstitious doubts.

Translation: cash only on the door and no concessions for witches

8. To you know your enemy you must become your enemy

Translation: wander around the exhibitions and loudly criticise the displays to anyone who'll listen 

9. Use the conquered foe to augment one’s strength.

Translation: only keep items in lost property for 35 minutes before putting them on ebay

10. There is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged war.

Translation: never extend opening times 

*http://attrition.org/security/rants/fsck_sun_tzu/