Managing Change

This blog continues to chart the move to trust status of the Museum of Unreason.

This week, although I have been continuing to work on the detailed business plan, one thing I have realised is that things have to change.

When managing change there are many problems to resolve, theories to implement, ungrateful and under performing staff to sack etc.

Every manager should have a theory, you should listen to people who make sense to you, and mock unmercifully people you disagree with. So purely in terms of human resource management Machiavelli is one of my management guru heroes. I am particularly fond of, 'A prince never lacks legitimate reasons to break his promise'. I also slavishly follow his 'Before all else, be armed'.

In terms of advice on taking up a new post in a museum, Machiavelli is clear, 'The new ruler must determine all the injuries that he will need to inflict. He must inflict them once and for all.' Inspirational stuff.

But he is a lot less confident when it comes to managing change, 'There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things.' Now that is worrying when the most enlightened management consultant in European history says that change management is a difficult thing to do. (For a more conservative Eastern perspective there is nothing better than Sun Tsu's Art of War. Try his advice in your next management meeting, 'Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness' and see what happens.)

Anyway, in terms of change management I have had to find my own path. So here is my practical advice for instant action.

1. Hide in a cupboard until all the staff have gone home.

2. Spend the evening rearranging all the items in the office and, crucially, the museum stores

3. The next day if you have done your job properly the institution will instantly grind to a halt and the stick in the mud curator will have a a spectacular nervous breakdown, verbally abuse you and fall into your 'dealing with criticism by under performing staff' trap (see previous blog).

4. Now its your opportunity to initiate the 'need to change' conversation. Add incentives such as promising to tell the staff where the toilet roll is when they have agreed to all cost cutting measures and operational changes. Note Machiavelli's advice above on promises to keep them on their toes.

Thus instant action is generated and whatever unrest you have caused, reassure yourself with Machiavelli again, 'Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil'

Now you know what any enlightened manager realises and knows to be true -

You are doing good work and the staff are all evil.










All quotes helpfully supplied by


http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/n/niccolo_machiavelli_3.html#dDrwAIe0HJreTosE.99

Dealing with criticism from underperforming museum staff - the 'Unreasoning Way'

This blog continues to chart the move to trust status of the Museum of Unreason. Over the past few weeks I have been working on the detailed business plan. However the interim report I sent to the guiding committee, and I quote from the executive summary,

"...the museum makes no sense as a business and is unsustainable, will continue to be unsustainable and will never ever be sustainable while I have anything to do with it...",

has resulted in criticism of my management, when it was clearly my intention to blame everybody else.

So now is an appropriate time to deal with the criticism and at the same time offer advice on how to deal with underperforming staff. Firstly a word of warning, this cannot be done quickly, much time must be spent in front of the mirror practising your sincerity before tackling the situation. Assuming, like me, you do it as a matter of course when you look in the bathroom mirror every morning lets cut to the chase.

1. Analyse the nature of the performance shortfall and quantify all the reasons you can think of why the staff are to blame.You only need to do this once then keep photocopies in your filing cabinet with gaps to put the name in when the occasion arises.

2. Meet with the scapegoat key member of staff in a relaxed non-threatening environment. I prefer the gents toilets (toilet rolls handy to deal with manipulative tears and also for comfort breaks when the meeting drags on).

3. Make sure that all parties are aware that this is a positive meeting and begin by asking how we as a team can come up with solutions to the problems.

4. Listen very very carefully and pull the sincere face you've been practising in the mirror A LOT. But what you are waiting for is any admission of error, weakness, culpability on his/her part that has contributed to the problem. As an experienced and competent manager like myself you will be forced to listen to a lot of the blame being directed towards you, but as an experienced and competent manager like myself you know this to be a sign of staff incompetence and it is your job to prove it.

5. At the end of the exchange of views, clarify and summarise the meeting in an objective, non-judgemental and sympathetic way then immediately replace the useless waster with someone who can actually do the work, preferably on a voluntary basis.

Job done! Thus we move one step closer to sustainability, and in the case of getting rid of the curator not having to listen to constant demands for acid free paper when we have piles of toilet roll to use up.

My next task - start paying my staff in Euros.

The Jumblies Jubilee

The Museum of Unreason has taken a break from planning it's inexorable move towards trust status to celebrate the fact that our noble Queen isn't dead yet. Thus we all get an extra day off work to celebrate life and that is a good thing. However in the museum world it means we have to open our doors for longer so no day off for us.

However, the management sent me a memo for me to organise 'something, anything for the Jumbilee'. I think there may have been a misprint as I know the Jumblies have the 'i' after the 'l'. But I found it a strange coincidence that there was an Edward Lear anniversary (he was born in 1812) the very same year that the Queen was still alive. So I hit upon THE JUMBLIES JUBILEE - a red, white and blue celebration of sieve based water transport.

So if you visit the Museum of Unreason this weekend all the staff and volunteers (the ones who haven't resigned) have had their heads painted green and their hands painted blue. On sale is no end of Stilton cheese, owls, useful carts, pounds of rice and cranberry tarts (sure to be big sellers - kindly supplied by Mrs. Aged-Volunteer).The live pig and monkey have been a bit of a handful, but putting neat brandy in their food seems to have calmed them down. However there is jackdaw poo everywhere (the cleaner is going to kill me once I've persuaded her to withdraw her resignation).

I made it my personal challenge to brew up 40 bottles of Ring-Bo-Ree. Unfortunately the internet and in particular Wikipedia has let me down - they don't have the recipe.

So my idea for fun for all the family is 'brew your own Ring-Bo-Ree'

In the interest of research I thought I'd better test the idea with a recipe of my own. Exploring my drinks cupboard I began to experiment.

1 shot of vodka
1 shot of schnapps
1 shot of brandy
1 shot of gin
1 shot of Etna Fire (much regretted drunken holiday purchase)
1 shot of whiskey
1 shot of whisky
1 ice cube, 1 umbrella, 1 straw, 1 bucket
another shot of brandy
more vodka
more brandy
a bit more vodka
morr wiskie
sum more brindie
bigger bukket

who you looking at?
I luv you, I've always luvved you
Of course I always dance like this
Ooh I never realised the ceiling looked like that


Edward Lear RIP & God Save the Queen

Hairy Trotter and the Deathly Board of Shadows

"An effective board of trustees should be able to draw on a diverse range of skills, knowledge, qualities and experience to help it fulfil its roles." National Council for Voluntary Organisations 


The Museum of Unreason is taking the tortuous and twisted journey towards becoming the Unreasonable Trust. Museum manager Frank Unreasoning has been using the Yorkshire Renaissance step by step guide to creating a trust as his guide into these uncharted waters. He is helped in this process by the cleaner SUE (Seriously Under Employed) and the Chair of the Friends Group BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody). Frank is now concerned with recruiting the SHADOW BOARD OF TERROR.


A couple of hours quiet contemplation in the central cubicle of the gents toilet in the Museum of Unreason allowed me to come up with a list of skills needed for the new board written on our official museum stationery.

• Legal knowledge
• Financial knowledge
• Knowledge of the community
• Knowledge of the museum
• NOW WASH YOUR HANDS
• Negotiating skills
• Team working skills
• Fund raising skills 
• Networking abilities

Not a bad list, but other than myself who would embody all these attributes? Remembering my strategic planning skills I've come up with a vision of the ideal 'Unreasonable Board'.

• Legal knowledge - If only Franz Kafka was still alive. He wrote 'The Trial' which neatly encapsulates a typical museum manager's paranoia - or is that just me? He'd bring a much needed light-heartedness to board meetings. Plus his definition of lawyers is so perceptive, "It's only because of their stupidity that they're able to be so sure of themselves." I must quote that to our solicitors (Pricey, Inept and Tardy Partners) sometime.

• Financial knowledge - Bernard Madoff, recently arrested for $50bn fraud on US Stock Market. He will have some time on his hands - although attending meetings might be a problem unless he gets a Community Service Order. I would trust him to see us through the choppy financial waters with innovative thinking such as moving the museum to the Bahamas.

• Knowledge of the community - I'm thinking L.Ron Hubbard the founder of Scientology (he's not dead because we are all immortal) would get the community into shape and probably not want to let the visitors leave at the end of the day thereby increasing secondary spend.

• Knowledge of the museum - that has to be the cleaner Sue, if I ask her to be on the board she might tell me where she's hidden all the toilet rolls.

• NOW WASH YOUR HANDS - Howard Hughes?

• Negotiating skills - Its got to be Jeremy Hunt, how he is still in his job must be down to this skill

• Team working skills - The problem is that we don't have multiple occupancy toilet cubicles for our meetings (I'd better put that in the business plan). I'm convinced that would help us get to know each other a lot better. George Michael springs to mind as a man with a good reputation for sharing in public toilets.

• Fund raising skills - my new Russian girlfriend seems to have some good ideas*

• Networking abilities - Rupert Murdoch could make a good team with the board's negotiator.

It sounds like Bob has entered the cubicle beside me, I suppose I have to ask him to be the Chair.

Next week - detailed business planning

* as mentioned in my last blog I had a hot date with 'Olga' this weekend. Meeting her was a bit of a surprise as she didn't look much like her picture. She was closer to 50 than 18, grey haired rather than blonde and a man rather than a woman. Those things aside, it was still exciting as she was my first ever proper girlfriend. Also I never realised how expensive penicillin was in Russia, but I've set up a direct debit to ensure Olga's sick grandmother gets the best treatment she can. I also leant Olga the airfare to go back to Russia to tell her the good news. She's promised to write and said we'll get married as soon as she returns. Let me tell you it was the most exciting 5 minutes of my life.

Who To Trust Too - legal matters

The Museum of Unreason is taking the long and lonely journey towards becoming the Unreasonable Trust. Museum manager Frank Unreasoning has been using the Yorkshire Renaissance step by step guide to creating a trust as his guide into these uncharted waters. He is helped in this process by the cleaner SUE (Seriously Under Employed) and the Chair of the Friends Group BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody).

Having successfully completed the 'Part 1 Feasibility Stage'  in the centre cubicle of the gents toilet, I waited there until all the staff had gone home. It only remained for me to actually get the public out of the building and close the doors to enable 'Part 2 The Detailed Planning Phase' to begin in earnest.

Part 2 The Detailed Planning Phase

LEGAL - Prepare necessary documentation.

Having found a cushion for the toilet seat and put in an extra order for toilet rolls for the paperwork I had the supplies ready to start to 'prepare the necessary documentation'. After quite a considerable length of time (increased by having to follow the order to 'now wash your hands' at the bottom of every sheet) I finished the document.

Although every museum manager must be able to multitask I realised that I was not legally trained so I needed some advice (even Sue couldn't help with this). However recently the council had outsourced our legal advice to 'Pricey, Inept and Tardy' solicitors in the High Street. Consultation with them was bound to use up the remaining museum budget so I hit upon a good plan. I anonymously sent the draft legal agreement to them coupled with a bomb warning and threatened to detonate it in 72 hours unless they gave me advice to be deposited in the form of a telephone box sex ad number at the booth on the corner by the chip shop. Photos of some old WWII ammunition in the Museum of Unreason's collection proved useful in this respect (note to self, take them out of the schools handling collection and put them into a secure store).

This plan turned out slightly more expensive than I imagined as there were a lot of numbers to go through before finding the right one. However, on the plus side I learned some interesting new 'exercises' which may be possible after a drastic weight loss programme and a series of yoga sessions. Even better, I have date this weekend with a genuine high class playful Russian lady who is very anxious to meet me, but who has an ailing grandmother in Moscow. I hope I can help her in some way.

Eventually I got my advice.

"Frank is that you again? We have a council retainer so the advice won't cost you anything, but thank you for your document as we were running short of toilet roll supplies. It seems the supply company has run out because of a massive order from another organisation. We have a standard set of documents that we can send to the museum or put in a skip round the corner if you prefer."

I opted for the skip just to be safe.

Documentation successfully prepared I went to the next step.

LEGAL  - Establish shadow board and chair-designate

Easy  - a quick trip to Homebase for a bright light, chipboard and an office chair seemed would solve that problem. As I was setting this up the cleaner advised me that it should involve people as well and furthermore where was she expected to put all the toilet rolls? So I quickly retired to the central cubicle of the gents toilet again to wait for the Bob to come in so that I could offer him another piece of furniture to sit on.


Next week - recruiting the shadow board

Who To Trust?

The Museum of Unreason's complete and utter failure to gain Arts Council Major Grunt funding has led to plan B. We will become a Trust. Is this a good thing? Like any good manager I've broken the task down into manageable stages.

Stage 1: research
I've heard of the National Trust, an organisation dedicated to preserving the smell of lavender in retail outlets. I've also heard of the Welcome Trust, an organisation dedicated to preserving doormats (I think). Research over.

Stage 2: steal other ideas
Result! I discover Renaissance Yorkshire's, "An Opportunity for Change" the ideal planning aid

http://www.yorkmuseumstrust.org.uk/assets/exploring_trust_option_for_museum_services.pdf

This document offers a step by step planning guide for competent museum managers. Alas Renaissance never produced a guide for incompetent managers.

Stage 3: read and weep

Stage 4: have several cups of coffee and have the document explained to you by the cleaner (Peterhouse Cambridge, double first BA in History and Politics, MA in the History of Philosophical Thought and PhD in European Union Cultural Identity)  who isn't able to get a job in the museum because she is under qualified.

Stage 4: start the feasibility stage - part 1

LEGAL
Assess your current legal position - That's easy, 3 points on my driving licence and a police ban on going within 300 yards of the Dog and Whistle pub in my local village (perhaps that will be the subject of another blog - suffice to say she started it!).

BUSINESS
Define intention - Definite intention to be a business
Define Position - Currently in centre cubicle of gents toilet hiding from the cleaner
Identify options - Climbing out the window seems most likely
Assess options - I'm not as young as I was and I've put on a bit of weight recently so its going to be a tight squeeze
Develop recommendation for future governance - get bigger windows in the gents toilet

COMMUNICATION
Identify stakeholders - That must be the chair of the friends group, I like to call him BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody)
Inform stakeholders - Message already written on the toilet roll
Keep stakeholders informed appropriately - Trying to throw the toilet roll through the window is proving trickier than expected
Discuss findings with stakeholders - I suppose I'll have to wait until Bob's next bowel movement

Part 2 next week.

Which Hunt?

World exclusive - leaked first draft of Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt's statement to the House of Commons before he realised the leaked emails related to the News Corp takeover of BSkyB and not the Museum of Unreason's application for Arts Council Major Grant funding.

"Transcripts of conversations due to be published between me - oops sorry, I mean my special adviser and a Museum of Unreason member of staff identified as Frank Rason, have suggested I have a back passage. This is really, really, really not the case. However, the volume, tone and intimations of sexual favours within those communications were clearly not appropriate in this quasi-ludicrous process, and today Whotisname has resigned as my special adviser.

"I have strictly followed some process or other, seeking the advice of random people in the street and after seconds of careful consideration acted on their advice to stop bothering them and piss off.

"I made four decisions in this process and each of those decisions was contrary to what the Museum of Unreason wanted.

"The first decision I made was that I was half-minded to refer the bid to the waste paper bin, but my integrity forced me into my second decision that I would not make a decision until I had bought a shredder from Staples* and taken advice from the shop assistant on how it worked.

"The third decision I made was to extend the period of consultation because Staples was closed when I got there after work. My final decision was to go then go home for tea and not invite Mr. Unreasoning.

"The only contact I had with Frank Rason was an accidental meeting in Ladbroke Grove public conveniences with other people present. The fact that there are emails in which he talks about having personal contact with me, simply did not happen - he remained at a safe distance at the adjacent urinal, and I am reliably informed he always wears rubber gloves and a snorkel to perform his ablutions. Furthermore his suggestion that he called me before I went to see Swan Lake is wrong, I actually went to see Lady Boys of Bangkok five days later.

"I accept, and I've told my special advisor that he also accepts, that those communications overstepped the mark...I knew Wotsisname was authorised to be one of a number of contact points within my back passage, but having seen those communications it is clear that the volume and content was inappropriate.

"The idea that I was backing the Museum of Unreason's bid is laughable, in fact the Museum of Unreason itself is laughable, and the fact that I have any integrity at all is also laughable. So lets all laugh about it."

If only




*other office suppliers are available