An Impassioned Plea

Some of you may be aware that the Museums Association have put a call out for papers for their annual conference. I've offered myself again this year to be a keynote speaker to give an impassioned plea on behalf of our museums. I intend to outline a convincing argument for museum managers justifying their existence when faced with budget cuts, an uncaring public and years of mocking from school friends who have proper careers.

Given that the MA seemed to have mislaid my conference suggestions for the past 5 years running I thought I would share my first draft with you all anyway.

"Dear colleagues, friends and admirers I am here to tell you that we can't let museums die!
We support a great heritage and we can't let it die just because nobody cares.

What we must remember is that our people don't go to museums; BUT they feel better, happier and more comforted knowing that we are here. Museums exist so that we can make the general public feel part of a civilised nation. Museums are symbols of who and what we are. The authorities don't really fund them to engage communities, provide education or outreach. They are funded to show the rest of the world that we have a history worth preserving; a history worth telling in paragraphs of 50 words or fewer on interpretation boards; a history worth hiding within a broken interactive that the Heritage Lottery Fund paid a fortune for. That is what makes us great.

A nation to compare us with, and I'm picking a country at random, is France. They have recently abandoned their 'Museum of France' (no sniggering at the back) as it would be too divisive. Too divisive! That shows they have no real understanding of national heritage. Why do you think the 'British Museum' is full of other people's stuff. We don't have problems, other nations have problems, and it is important for us to showcase that. The logical conclusion to draw is that other nations are too ridden with conflict and far too unappreciative of the game of cricket to deserve their own past. And a people without a national museum are nobody, were nobody, will be nobody. So the French don't get it. They should create the 'Museum of everywhere but France' and tourists will flock to it and thus it becomes one of the greatest museums in the world. That is why 75% of the visitors to the British Museum are tourists. They have come to see their history, not ours, but importantly it's their history in our museum therefore we are the great nation. To give back the Elgin Marbles to Greece would confer respect for a country that only gave the world democracy, theatre and the foundations of modern philosophy. How can that compare to binge drinking, fish and chips and Eastenders?

That is why Museums must remain free to tourists. If the financial situation becomes unsustainable then we must only excessively charge domestic visitors. Why? What about those visitors you may ask? What about them I say. They are expensive and dangerous. Emptiness does not equal pointlessness, it equals greatness. If the Queen came round for tea every week, would we still hold her in awe as she dunked her hobnobs and slurped out of her saucer? I think not. We respect her because we do not know her.

To conclude. Remain aloof, remain disengaged and therefore remain relevant to the nation as an idea of ourselves. We cannot be, and should not be purveyors of the truth (leave that to the academics in our Universities and be thankful that nobody ever reads their work). Engage and die! Fellow museum managers, we must not let the future condemn us for our errors. Preserve the past by ignoring the present and therefore secure the future.

Go back to your museums and prepare for the future by doing nothing!"

Cue a standing ovation.

What's in a Name?

Since I began blogging, the Museum of Unreason has stimulated a tremendous lack of interest from the interneterati as to where Unreason might be. Since Google removed our website on the grounds of "an unnatural interest in car parking spaces" there are no directions available to the casual browser. I will now rectify this.

Unreason is one of those villages that foreigners laugh at as quaint but we accept as normal. Having been born Bare, schooled in a Box, had my first drink in Booze, embarrassed myself in Bottom Flash, crashed my first car in Dent, learnt everything I know about museum management in Great Cockup I now find myself in the glorious place of Unreason. I encourage you all to come and find peace here.

How to find Unreason

From the South
1. Firstly, accept that there is culture outside of London
2. Cease your Londoncentric thinking at Crouch End
3. Bear right and embrace the countryside while Hinton-in-the Hedges
4. Keep the doors locked when going through Dancing Dicks
5. Remain patient when at Loggerheads
6. Spin lightly through Frisby-on-the Wreake and Unreason is just a step away

From the East
1. Firstly, accept that a museum does not have a tractor on display to be defined as a museum
2. Before you go too far, stop and have a Good Easter
3. Take the Black Car road
4. Stay awake through Great Snoring
5. Count to ten when Seething
6. Wave at Mavis Enderby as you go by
7. When you've checked on Anton's Gout in the Wasps Nest you'll be in Unreason in no time

From the West
1. Firstly, get out of Clink
2. Get a supply of Hopton Wafers and toilet roll to avoid Scratchy Bottom when going through Shitterton and Loose Bottom
3. Catch forty winks when you Retire in the Land of Nod
4. Freshen up at Washaway
5. Don't be a postman in Dog Village
6. Avoid Dead Cow Point
7. Think before you speak at Wittering
8. When you see the Queen Camel in the road then you have reached a state of Unreason


From the North
1. Firstly, be prepared to leave Dull and Grimness behind you
2. Steer round the Hen Poo (I didn't so Pity Me)
3. If you find yourself in Quebec, don't worry you're on the right road
4. If the Boot fits all is well
5.  If you are lucky you'll be able to luxuriate in Plush
6. Then Rest and Be Thankful as you will have found Unreason

We look forward to seeing you all  shortly

If you like the Museum of Unreason why not campaign for new museums in
Box, Bunny, Booze and Buttock

but not in
Bell End, Brown Willy and Cockup Bottom

What's the Point?

Unreasonably adapted by the author with due apologies

Museum Security Essentials

Regular readers bereft at my absence from the blogosphere of late are in need of a quick explanation before I get to the substance of this week's professional advice. These recent events have led me to reflect on museum security.

Thefts from museums have been much in the news lately and the Board of Trustees have requested a review of security following rumours that our security is not up to accreditation standard (something to do with the staff's pre Xmas blog questioning our security procedures). Suffice to say revenge on the staff will be a dish best served in vague management speak.

I confirmed to the Chair of Trustees that our security procedures are of accreditation standard. This had been easily done by borrowing a good museum's documentation and substituting the words 'British Museum' for the words 'Museum of Unreason'. Unfortunately my assertion that recent thefts have coincided with visits to the region from Museum Association staff clearly intent on redefining their Code of Ethics whilst maximising the organisation's income fell on deaf ears.

Of particular concern to the Board was our rhino horn. Its arrival at our museum is a long story (best left for another blog). I follow the 'hide in plain site' method and had cunningly hidden it on the forehead of our lifesize model carthorse in the rural life section. The label reads, "The last known unicorn in the UK killed on this site by Launcelot déRaison in 1074". The model is harnessed to a nineteenth century hearse which the label suggests contains Launcelot's body. I think it adds much needed authenticity to our farm scene.

Security being supposedly lax at the museum, I decided to keep the rhino horn at home until the Trustees lost interest and then I fully intended to return it. However having surreptitiously slipped it into my trousers I was limping briskly through reception when my button fly gave way under the strain. My subsequent attempt to give instant CPR to the elderly lady who had fainted in front of me was  misinterpreted by an off duty policeman and he attempted to arrest me. When the rhino horn fell on the floor during the struggle it caused much consternation in the Saga tour party watching the scene; ambulances were called and some unfortunate pictures found their way into the local press. I understand all casualties are now recovering well in the Unreason General Hospital.

The discovery of the rhino horn and the fact that I appeared to be engaged to a prominent member of the Russian mafia (see earlier blogs) has led to some time at her majesty's pleasure followed by extended gardening leave before all the misunderstandings were cleared up. My return to work was greeted joyously by the staff all clapping with one hand.

Anyway this brings me to the main purpose of the blog today. Museum security essentials.

When you leave be sure to lock the door and leave the light on

Next week - collection backlog short cuts (order your skip now)

N.e.w. Y.e.a.r. Wishes

Unexpected seasonal wishes to you all.

Having thought I'd done my last blog, the Mayans failed to deliver on their promise to clear my accessioning backlog. In the end I spent the 'end of the world' in a disused warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow (there must have been a mixup with my girlfriend's address), and as the skies darkened and an arctic cold began to pierce my soul the churlish police official who found me explained that this is quite normal for this time of year in Russia. He then promptly deported me for trying to smuggle excessive quantities of Aspirins into the country.

I returned to discover the staff had done a blog on my behalf and it was hilarious, what whacky japesters they are.  I might let them do it again someday. I must now do a proper blog on what the staff really want - although I do plan to have a tanning bed installed in my office in the meantime.

I haven't actually planned any blogs for 2013, but whilst I was becoming a little too intimate with The UK Border Agency (UKBA) staff, I began to reflect on the proliferation of boring acronyms. The world is full of them and the museum sector is no exception.

So my first wish for 2013 is for more entertaining UK museum sector acronyms.

Let's start with our new overseers Arts Council England (ACE). They need to reflect the reality that they are now also responsible for museums and libraries. I suggest the Museums and Libraries Arts Council England (MALICE). What sort of damage could you do with major MALICE funding?

What about the Association of Independent Museums (AIM). Given that there are a lot of small organisations supporting our independent sector, they should be more forthright and claim that they are the MAIN association supporting independent museums and become MAIM.  Could you maim with malice?

Our professional body the Museums Association (MA) could turn a few heads if it became the ANIMAL barking and biting the authorities on our behalf (Association for National and Independent Museums and Libraries). Local authority museums may feel short changed by this, but if the ANIMAL was affiliated to the LLAMA (Large Local Authority Museums Association) incorporating a  SLUG (Small Local Underfunded Group) then we have a pressure group that has to be taken seriously (or put in a Zoo).

So here's to a happy New Exciting Working Year for Everyone Anywhere,  Really!

Leadersheep - the sheep bleat back

In light of the Mayan prophesy predicting the end of the world last night, Mr. Unreasoning has taken some leave to spend his last moments on earth with his Russian girlfriend (having thoughtfully taken a packet of aspirins for her sick grandmother).  His cryptic note left on the reception desk read, 'goodbye and don't look in the skip' has enabled us to find the missing accessioning backlog.

Assuming that he will now return our idea is to give him a Christmas present that may make our life more bearable in 2013 and use this blog to do that.  It hasn't taken us long to crack his password, given that his idea of security is to leave the light on when we're closed. If you want to add to the blog yourselves the password was written on a Post It note stuck to the front of his computer called SHOPPING LIST.

So here it is - a good leader's top 10

1. A thank you

As Alex Ferguson has just told the Harvard Business School,

"For a player – and for any human being – there is nothing better than hearing ‘well done’. Those are the two best words ever invented in sport.”

This applies to anyone from millionaire sportsmen to millionaire museum staff and all millionaires in between.

2. Direction

Don't tell us what to do - we know that. Tell us why we're doing it. How does our small contribution fits into the overall picture. It would really help if this direction was a clear vision - or in our case any vision at all would help.

3. Help us change

If you want us to do something new, tell us why - if we can see it will improve things then we'll buy into it

If you want us to do something new, how about some training and support? 

If you want us to do something new, give us time to get use to it.

If you want us to do something new, don't give up on us if we still don't get it and go back to the old ways - that really pisses us off.

If you want us to do something new, complete the first change before you start the next one.

4. Prioritise

Do it now! That's fine if it is a single important job - not if its everything you do. Give us the priorities we'll work out the timescales and resources.

5. Fun

We work in a life affirming sector dealing with visitors who are enjoying cultural social activities. Why not have fun doing it? When was the last time 'fun' was part of management thinking? Surprise surprise happy staff are more productive staff, are less ill and give a much more positive impression to customers. The 'happy museum' should not just be a nice idea but a core value, yet so often management sucks the life out of our work.

6. Support us to become a team

This may be a shock to management, but we all are trying our best for the benefit of the organisation - we might do it differently, we might do it at different speeds, we might do it in a different order (see 4) - but we are doing it. Recognise that, and work with us to blend our strengths into a real team. You could start by remembering our names.

7. Be part of the team

Do you ask us to do unpaid overtime? Do you ask us to work late regularly? Do you refuse leave at busy times of the year? Do you do the same? When reception is overrun with 5 year old school children  - where are you? When there is an angry customer - where are you? When it's your round at the bar - where are you? If you are with us then we are with you.

8. Admit your mistakes

You are our leader, but you are not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. If you do so, then admit it say sorry and we move on having learned our lessons. It applies to all human activity, a museum manager is not exempt. Mistakes are allowable, but not repeatable. If a manager does not admit to them then he/she is bound to repeat them.

9. Stay calm

We need a cool head in times of crisis. Stay calm, analyse the situation and then be decisive. Do not shout and look for people to blame - you are just making the situation worse. We all make mistakes (see 8). 

Finally

10. Install a tanning bed

We started with Alex Ferguson and so we shall end with him. To cope with the lack of vitamin D for those living in northern climes he has installed two tanning beds at the Manchester United training ground. Given our position just north/south of Yorkshire, it would shout volumes for staff care if our curator could pop himself on a tanning bed for 10 minutes after a hard day's accessioning. 

And thus sheep might turn into lions

A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all managers and leaders for an enlightened 2013

Ideal Christmas presents for museum staff

As a museum director you probably used to be above sending gifts to staff. Unfortunately due to the spate of redundancies you now have half the staff you had at the beginning of the year. As a result, may I suggest, there will be morale issues to address. You've already given yourself a pay rise to compensate for the stress of making people redundant (at least I have). What better than a thoughtful gift from you to show you care. But if like me you struggle to remember the names of the people who work for you and rely on 'Oi you there!' as a standard form of address to underlings, you need to admit you need help.

Never fear help is here. Specialist gifts for 'special' people

1. The Curator
An increasingly rare beast, a shadowy figure seen furtively blinking in natural light. I must admit I haven't seen mine in years. We leave food outside the door to the stores and it disappears so he is still alive. We had Kate Humble in for a pilot for a new programme 'Curatorwatch' but she failed to confirm a sighting of him let alone catch him mating. I understand that is the real reason she has resigned from the BBC.

So what to buy him? With green issues and sustainability in mind how about this? It is practical and symbolic of the regard I have for him. It'll help keep the stores clean as well.

2. Outreach Officer
An increasingly rare beast, a shadowy figure rarely seen outside of the pub. I must admit I haven't seen mine in years. She seems determined to save the planet from behind a large gin and tonic. She seems to have taken to claiming her increasing collection of tattoos on expenses as well. Her latest one is designed like a necklace with the words 'smile if you hate the boss' which seems to have helped morale. I've had 'laugh if you hate the staff' tattooed on my left buttock - it doesn't seem to have had the same effect.

So what to buy her? How about an edible can of endangered species? She can challenge her phobias whilst chewing on her ethics - perfect.

3. Visitor Services Officer
An increasingly flustered beast, rarely seen smiling at visitors. Her visitor 'focus' usually involves glaring at the foolish public who dare to cross the threshold until they go away thus performing a valuable service to the protection of our collections. What can you get such an outgoing and friendly individual? How about a nice pair of earrings?

4. Cleaner
An increasingly angry beast rarely seen cleaning. Although responsible for putting up the latest exhibition and delivering the learning associated with it, she could at least have mopped the floors while doing it. Is that too much to ask? Buy her something that gives her a sense of self worth. Nothing says that more than a pug t-shirt.

4. Museum Cat
An increasingly rare beast, a shadowy figure rarely seen when its not feeding time. How about making it not just rare but mythical with an inflatable unicorn horn? I see a new TV programme 'Mythwatch' in the new year.

Thus Christmas is celebrated, the team is bonded, staff morale and self worth suitably challenged. Somehow I feel another personal pay rise coming on.