Museums Rocking in Partnership

Museums have been encouraged to work in partnership lately. Perhaps the news that 70s US rockers Cheap Trick have decided to open a museum/restaurant combo in Chicago is the way forward. See:
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/10/us-museum-cheaptrick-idUSTRE7A96YB20111110

Cloudy logic has the Museum of Unreason exploring its accessioned collection of vinyl rock in the store (cardboard box in the attic) and has come up with the future for bands that no longer attract the younger listener and therefore ripe for museumifying in partnership with appropriate organisations.

Those of you of a certain age will now be itching to get on to iTunes to relive those days when you had hair, energy and an unforgivable fashion sense

• AC/DC & AGL (Australia's leading integrated renewable energy company) to create the Powerage Museum
• Can & the Wehrmachtskanister company (the Jerry Can to you and me) to open the Flow Motion Museum
• Deep Purple and the Meteorological Office will predict the Stormbringer Museum
• Black Sabbath and MIND are bound to open the Paranoid Museum
• KISS and BAE Systems must open the Love Gun Museum
• Lynyrd Skynyrd and the Received Pronunciation Society may open the Pronounced Leh-nerd Skin-nerd Museum
• The Clash & O2 will have London Calling museum very soon
• Bad Company and any banking organisation can reproduce the Bad Company Museum any time they like

For those of you under 40 this will be meaningless to you (just like museums) - just remember in 30 years time you will be blogging about JLS's partnership with the new space mission to Mars to create the Outta This World exhibition. Thus the Museum of Unreason proves itself to be ahead of its time yet again.

Next week comedy singles and philosophy featuring Bertrand Russell's Authority and the Individual: meditations on 'Ernie the Fastest Milkman in the West'










   

Tweet To Who

It is time to reflect on the Twitter experience.

The Museum of Unreason has been active in social media for 84 days. Why is this significant? 84 days was the record breaking amount of time for a man to spend in space (Jerry Carr on Skylab in case you were wondering). So as we are poised to break his record for time spent in (cyber)space where is the Museum of Unreason in this brave new virtual world?

46 out of 100 must do better
www.tweet.grader.com has marked the museum as 46 out 100 - we fail! Although I'm sure the modern education system does not allow failure, so we can claim alternative success. Further inspection bears this out.

5,902,876th out of 175,000,000 go to the top of the class
The Museum is ranked 5,902,876th is this good? Yes, why?
Twitter claims 175m. accounts. This puts the Museum in the top 5% (3.37%) of users. Success!
There are 56 million people following no-one. The Museum is following 31. Success!
There are 90 million people with zero followers. The Museum has 30 followers. Success!
Over 50% of accounts have 2 followers or fewer. The Museum is therefore in the top 50%. Success!

Best Tweeters starting 84 days ago

Hats of to @austinadderley1 7,795 followers and 10,507 updates (125 tweets a day) (1 every 5 minutes). Epic commitment and he deserves all the followers he gets. This is a 100 out 100 tweeter.

Hats off to @CondeElevator 88,663 followers from only 36 updates (2,462 followers for every tweet) based on things overheard in lifts. Has a museum tried this?

Hats off @andrewtmccarthy 7,982 followers from 390 updates. Alright I've only included him as he is a famous person that started the same day as the museum. The world should be grateful to him for 'Weekend at Bernie's' anyway

Best museum Tweeters

Hats off to @TacomaArtMuseum 5,062 followers for 786 updates. The top museum scoring100 out of 100 using the tweet.grader.com system

Hats off to @smithsonian 535,732 followers from 5,074 updates. epic numbers 100 out of 100

Museum of Unreason Social Media Forward Plan

The Museum of Unreason plans to be the best the museum on Twitter therefore we will have to have 600,000 within another 84 days. How?

We will tweet every 4 minutes, about the things overheard in a museum, whilst making a comic B movie about a dead body.

MA Conference - President's Abba inspired speech (apparently)

My accident prone conference experience meant that I missed the Presidential Address (needless to say a manhole cover and a pair of rollerblades were involved), but I was led to believe her speech was inspired by Abba after which she led the audience in a tribute singalong. So in the noble tradition of historians who accurately describe events at which they were not present and of which they have no knowledge, here is a verbatim transcript of the President's introduction which led to the sing along.

"Fellow conference delegates, since the last general election change has been the name of the game. Nothing is certain; the sector has tipped head over heels and is under attack. Has the museum sector met its Waterloo in the shape of Ed Vaizey? The cuts go on and on and on while he continues to be obsessed with the visitors. I say to the Minister, does your mother know what you're doing? Why not give her a ring. Ring her and I wonder what she will say? I do, I do, I do, I do, I do really think the winner takes it all culture is alien to museums. We do not want to encourage a gimme gimme gimme frenzy for hard pressed heritage organisations.

I can reflect back on the pre-election landscape. The day before you came, unaware that this would be our last summer of certainty, I dared believe museums were making a difference. The eagle of hope soared. As the Rugby Union world cup is being held in New Zealand can we be inspired by their badge of identity, the fern, and do the impossible by surviving the next five years? Is it possible that I have a dream that these good times will return? Or is it now just pub talk nostalgia in the way old friends do when they meet?

Am I a Cassandra? When all is said and done museums are something you can take a chance on. Me? I believe it strongly. I plead with the Minister that museums are super. Trouper that he is, I'm sure if we tell him about the great work museums do he will fight our cause in Government more strongly. As President I hope for all museums that you will be persuaded to lay all your love on. Me? I will work hard to deliver an SOS on behalf of the sector. I won't give up knowing me. Knowing you I am confident you will all back me up on this.

I say to the Minister one of us is here to stay and it is the museum sector. In five years you will be gone and we will be dancing. Queen of culture the V&A will be saying 'so long' Vaizey in a new exhibition titled 'The Departure'."

"So can I ask you all to stand and circle your handbags  and sing along with me.....

'I work all night I work all day to pay the bills I have to pay, ain't it sad.....' "

Taste and decency does not allow me to describe the 70s inspired gyration that followed.

(Prizes available to guess the number of Abba tracks referenced in the speech)

MA Conference Reflections 1 - The Keyhole Speeches

Supreme fortune befell me in the dying days of September. To cut a long story short a botched bank robbery in the High Street enabled me to attend (for the first time) the Museum Association's Annual Conference in Brighton on 3rd-4th October.

It was such an amazing experience that it may take several blogs to do it justice. So I will concentrate on the main keyhole speeches in this blog.

Starting first thing on Monday morning, in my haste to be on time I had a near death experience involving a megaphone and an old age pensioner. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. Placing myself strategically on the floor I asked my neighbour who was the man speaking on the stage. The whispered reply seemed to be 'Edge Vaguely Sinister Couture' -well at least that explained his tie. But he helped me define that a real museum spent ££££ to get 000s of visitors and did not waste its time engaging with communities, making collections accessible and generally providing 'culture'. What a relief. My ears cleared to discover it was Ed Vaizey our Minister for Culture. Oops

I wanted to attend an ACE briefing which turned out to be less exciting than it sounded. In my haste to be on time I had a  major incident with a canister of helium and a contrabassoon. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. A dapper gentleman seemed to be suggesting you would be popular if you had a designated collection. I asked my neighbour who he was. The whispered reply seemed to be 'Deadly Swine' which I thought was a little unfair. Anyway I took his advice and stuck a label to my forehead saying 'I have a designated collection' to see if it would make me more popular (for some reason people tend to avoid me). I abandoned this idea after a slightly frenzied encounter in a toilet cubicle with the Head of Service from a neighbouring district. During this incident I discovered the dapper gent in question was Hedley Swain Director of Museums and Renaissance for the Arts Council. Oops

It was going well so far. In my haste to be on time for the next speech I had a  minor scrape with a shopping trolley and a pneumatic drill. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. My neighbour on the floor informed me it was a Trim Ship from the Garden of Eden (surely its marketing campaign should say 'World's Oldest Museum'). But I was in time to hear that we should 'fake rusks'. I think that constitutes child abuse. However he seemed to go down well so I suggested to my boss that we are only selling plastic food on our children's menu from now on.  Much later I now realise it was Tim Smit from the Eden Project who wanted museums to 'take risks'. Oops

The final keyhole intrigued me as it was to be from the first green imp in Brighton (what colour are they usually?). In my haste to be on time I got a little confused with a tube of superglue and a cd of the speeches of the Reverend Ian Paisley. I entered the auditorium a little flustered, a little late and a little deaf. Confusion arose as the imp was taller and whiter than I had presumed (note to self - must attend more equality and diversity training). I must have really mis-heard this time when the imp mischievously expressed more concern for museums and the planet in general than all the humans I had mis-heard previously. Demon logic? No longer will I indulge in cloudy thinking I will now pursue 'demon logic'.

My report back to the boss after the conference has suddenly left me on extended gardening leave. This will give me much more time to reflect on the rest of the conference for next time.

Guarantee yourself 'Major Grant' funding

This week has seen much excitement at the higher echelons of the museum world in England. The Arts Council will take over funding of museums from 1st October and they have announced the criteria for major museum grants. Excited conversations are taking place behind closed doors and the usual toilet reading matter of the Beano and/or Jackie has been temporarily replaced by the newly published 'Culture, knowledge and understanding; great museums and libraries for everyone' (like the Beano but without the pictures or insight).

To save everyone the trouble I give you the cloudy guide to a successful major grant bid.

Firstly don't waste time, are you a big museum service? There are lots of measurements for this, don't worry about looking these up, just ask the next visitor that comes through the door, and if they emit an involuntary laugh you are not a big service and you should stop worrying now. If you really want more disappointment ring up the head of the nearest large museum and ask if they will consider you as part of a consortium bid, they will also emit an involuntary laugh before putting the phone down on you.

So you've passed the mirth test, that means your visitors are serious, therefore you are a proper museum and you will be expected to bid.

The Arts Council has 5 goals and you are only expected to match 2
1. Excellence
2. Audiences
3. Resilience
4. Leadership
5. Children

You will put in a good application so you will cover all 5.
1. Excellence - use the word 'quality' in every other sentence, interspersed with 'standards'. Use the phrase 'quality standards' every paragraph. For example, 'the recent sacking of all our curators has enabled us to reach new quality standards of collection care'.
2. Audiences - (just to remind you, these are the people who get in the way of you doing your job properly) - this time use 'diversity' in every sentence (twice if you can manage it) with the word 'engagement' liberally scattered throughout. For example, 'the incredible diversity of our audience is so diverse that our engagement with them has been incredibly engaging'. 
3. Resilience - in other words say you are not going out of business. This is a lie. Every museum is financially unsound with unrealistic budgets. You avoid this tricky problem by immediately sacking the accountant and shredding the business plan. Point out that all the other museums are lying and pick holes in their business plans whilst say you've made large cuts in none essential services that the others have failed to do. (It may be advisable to keep a small cash kitty hidden, just in case the plan backfires and you need to go on a sudden holiday to Bolivia).
4. Leadership - now play the 'partnership' card, firstly refuse offers from other museums to create and consortium (see above, be sure to laugh). Then put in words like 'disseminate', 'support' and 'develop' for the miserable little museums that clutter up your region. Not being part of the bid they cannot contradict any of this.
5. Children - time to announce the clincher - free museum object with every McDonald's Happy Meal

Millions of £££ will now be winging its way to your museum. You will now have 3 years to come up with excuses, or find a new career.

Bloggling: Can Museums Help Tech?

Museums are beginning to engage with 21st Century technology in the same way they failed to embrace the 20th Century. Naturally this leap is causing some problems. What do we do with social media?

As befits one of the world's great museums of the world the Smithsonian has been leading the way. They are fortunate in that they can have a Head of Mobile Strategy. At the other end of the scale we have a member of staff who knows what a smart phone is. So we need to learn from the big boys.

The Smithsonian's offering is mind bloggling (my new word for mind-boggling blogging) mobile & crowdsourcing apps, but also visual recognition and augmented reality systems.

What can be done on a fraction of the budget and yet still be up with the times? Cloudy thinking is needed.

Museums traditionally over time have redefined themselves to reflect the world around them. A pro active museum in the 21st Century should redefine the world to match the museums world. The world for most museums = no staff, no money. So get a grip of new technology by redefining what it is.

New museum definitions for social media

1. Facebook = a book with picture of the author on the front
2. Twitter = pre-pubescent conversation

3. Mobile app or application = using a caravan
4. Crowdsourcing = get the public to your work for you
5. Visual recognition = not ignoring people you know
6. Augmented reality = just make it bigger

Having redefined the digital world its time to put into practice the new museum digital agenda. Here is the alternative manifesto for the digital world for museums with no money.

1. Write a guide to the museum, but instead of a glossy publication do a cheap photocopy with a picture of you on the front, fold it carefully and sit on it. The boss comes and says we should be on Facebook you can legitimately say 'I'm on top of it sir/madam/you cretin'* (*delete as appropriate for the set of values inherent in your organisation)
2. Record the next school group that comes through your door and put it on a sound loop and play it regularly. The boss comes in and says we should be tweeting (see 1 for appropriate response).
3. Tell your boss you need to be given time to work on a mobile app then hire a caravan and go on holiday to the seaside.
4. Before leaving ask the next customer to mind the desk for you while you pop out (its up to you whether you mention the seaside trip). If the cash till is empty and the customer gone by the time you return you can write a report on the problems of community engagement and blame the boss.
5. Say good morning to the boss for the first time and actually use his/her real name (look it up and practice it beforehand).
6. Advertise the new augmented reality exhibition and charge visitors for magnifying glasses.


You are now offering the same facilities as the Smithsonian (make sure that goes into the marketing leaflet) at a fraction of the cost for a fraction of the audience.

Battleship Becomes Museum: what are the possibilities?

In the long tradition of ship museums the US battleship Iowa is to become a museum in Los Angeles.

The UK has many warship museums (HMS Victory, Mary Rose, Warrior, Belfast). The Iowa, although even older than me, was still an operating warship until relatively recently. Controversy has inevitably followed "a peace-loving city was no place for a battleship."

Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/09/07/MNNJ1L1F7R.DTL#ixzz1XXhojwG7
This begs the question, should the battleship go to a war-loving city? This obviously narrows the field slightly. Most city authorities actually try and promote safety along with their cultural offerings. The idea of 'safe' heritage is perhaps a topic for a future blog. However, back to the problem at hand, where is the ideal place for a battleship?

A war-loving city near the sea? How about Mogadishu? Its on the coast and probably needs a boost to its tourist economy and culturally there are thin pickings there. The business plan clearly cannot rely on tourism to fund it, the tourist economy can grow (well it cannot get any smaller), so the battleship needs to earn its keep in some other way.

Somalia has a little local difficulty with pirates so there are two options.
1. The battleship can have a practical use against local pirates. Much bigger guns should make it a one-sided contest
2. The battleship can have a practical use for local pirates. Much bigger guns and greater range will make them much more effective.

Which will generate more income? Defeating pirates and increasing tourism? Or encouraging piracy and encourage a culture of philanthropy from newly wealthy pirate entrepreneurs?

I don't have the answer, but look out for the privately funded National Museum of Piracy coming to a war-loving city nowhere near you (if you're lucky).