A New Year Resolution

Supplied by talented young artist Jessica Moore

Having broken my computer this autumn and on my impoverished museum wages it has taken a while to save up for a new (reconditioned) one. I still have much to say on the subject of museums, so the regular blog will be back in the new year.

In the meantime I thought it was high time I refreshed my image and brought it up to date. I think the above image matches my inclusive and democratic management style, but is actually much more colourful than I am. More importantly it accurately the early 20th Century thinking of museums in this country and the fact that the nation continues to need them - probably more than ever.

Enjoy your new year celebrations wherever you are and promise me that you will make the following resolution

"In 2016 I will make sure my local museum does not close"

Happy New Year from all at the Museum of Unreason

Museums: the powerful disseminators of radical thought?

Having recently discovered the writings of the great early Twentieth Century anarchist Emma Goldman. I note that she was particularly engaged with culture as a means of the dissemination of ideas. In her world view ideally as a disseminator of radical thought. Theatre was seen as a powerful tool, for example here is her analysis of George Bernard Shaw's 'Major Barbara' in her essay 'The Social Significance of Modern Drama'.

"...Shaw the dramatist is closer to life--closer to reality, closer- to the historic truth that the people wrest only as much liberty as they have the intelligence to want and the courage to take."

Her subtle and insightful analysis of Shaw, of Major Barbara, and humanity, and society in general is brilliant.

However, before I get carried away, I must bring this back to museums. Are we, as museum practitioners, intelligent enough and courageous enough to get closer to the lives of our audience, to the historic truth of our mission and liberty of thought?

We as a profession in this country have suffered from uncertainty and a lack of confidence for many years. Although this hasn't been only limited to museums as cultural institutions, has this existential angst grown to tip the unconscious into the conscious of our exhibitions, events and education activities?

Can we give a much stronger voice to our longing for social change that values intellectual inquiry and cultural activity in the same way Emma Goldman hoped that theatrical drama would? She had Chekhov and Gorki and the various Russian Revolutions to excite her. We are up against the X Factor, Strictly Come Dancing and political  and intellectual apathy, surely museums must fill that gap. We and Goldman must be the same, here's an edited extract from 'Anarchism and other essays'
She could equally expressing hope for museums as she is for theatrical drama,

"...what other medium could rouse the indignation of Man's conscience? Self-satisfied as the 'cultured' usually are, they could not understand why one should fuss about the fact that thousands of people were starving. Surrounded by beauty...,they could not believe that side by side with them lived human beings degraded to a position lower than a beast's...without hope or ambition. "

Can we be,

"...a bomb explosion, shaking the social structure to its very foundations."

I may just be dreaming, but wouldn't it be wonderful to change lives in this way. If I may be free to be inspired by Goldman again.

The modern museum, operating through the double channel of curator and interpreter, affecting as it does both mind and heart, can be the strongest force in developing social capital, swelling the powerful tide of knowledge over the dam of ignorance, prejudice and superstition.

I like to think that is why we do what we do.

Labour Elect a People's Museum

Saturday 12th September

Headline in the Independent newspaper website (who buys newspapers anymore?)

"Jeremy Corbyn wins Labour leadership election: Landslide victory over Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall"

Suddenly Conservative Party members are rubbing their hands at the prospect of electoral victories for many years to come and the left wing establishment are collectively facepalming. Tim Farron (who is Tim Farron you might ask? The Lib Dem leader since July in case you hadn't noticed - along with the rest of the country) suddenly sees the prospect of a revival of the centre left in politics and in his dreams.

Why? Because Jeremy Corbyn is a piece of Labour party heritage, a living museum piece. New Labour is no more, Old Labour is back. Just like museums! We are currently trying to make the past relevant to modern audiences, we are trying to get objects out of glass cases and putting them into the hands of the general public. Why shouldn't political parties do the same? 

"...objects are able to take the visitor back in time to discover the people involved."*

Jeremy Corbyn is such an object. Let him take you back to a world where:

• railways are state run
• there's a 75% top rate of tax on the wealthy
• no nuclear weapons
• strong rent controls
• no tuition fees
• no wars in the east

That is enough to bring a nostalgic tear to citizens of a certain age. It is not the mythical past that UKIP are trying to recreate, but to a recognisably pre-Thatcherite age. Will it happen?

What commentators seem to have forgotten is that all the above policies have widespread support from the British general public. Indeed, it seems we are all closet old labour socialists. But will we come out of the closet and begin going on protest marches and vote Labour ever again?

Another way of putting it, are we as likely to vote Labour as to think going to a museum is a good thing to do on a weekend?  We all know museums are important. We all know that they play an important part in preserving our culture. We know where they are, but do we go there? Or does the IKEA sale, the round of golf or just festering quietly in front of 'Murder She Wrote' seem more attractive?

Sadly I fear Jeremy Corbyn, will go the way of publicly funded museums. He is a good idea, even necessary perhaps, and although we implicitly support his ideology we won't vote for him.  His inevitable crushing defeat at the next General Election and subsequent resignation will leave the posh boys** in charge for another term.

Do we get the politician's we deserve? Sometimes we do, but we don't always vote for them.

Do we get the museum's we deserve? Sometimes we do, but we don't always visit them.

What is Jeremy Corbyn's favourite museum? I would put my meagre salary on it being the People's History Museum in Manchester. A truly amazing museum, with truly amazing staff - but have you visited it recently?

Sadly it is a possibility that neither Mr. Corbyn or the People's History Museum will be around in 2020, and who's fault is that?

You have been warned.

All together now!

The people's flag is deepest red,
It shrouded oft our martyred dead,
And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold,
Their hearts' blood dyed its ev'ry fold.

etc.

 

*D.Lynn McTierney, Smithsonian Institute, http://museumstudies.si.edu/McRainey.htm 
** posh boys - a technical term roughly defined as 'an arrogantly entitled male elite'. Google the term and a pictures of our present Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer feature prominently. I will of course be voting for them in the next election to keep UKIP out.

Good quotes to adapt for your next museum staff meeting

1. "I don't want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs." Samuel Goldwyn

2. "Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train." Jim Halpert, The Office

3. "Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders." Sloan Wilson

4. "The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts."Anonymous

5. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." Oscar Wilde

6. "The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided." Casey Stengel

7. "The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management." Scott Adams (Dilbert)

8. "Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people's drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys." Polish Proverb

9. "Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't." Margaret Thatcher

10. "If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses." Attributed to Henry Ford




source:

http://www.inc.com/john-brandon/16-funny-quotes-to-start-your-next-business-presentation.html

The Art of War: the way forward for museum managers?

Being a museum manager is often being compared to being a general in an army at war (or did I just make that up?). Sun Tzu’s book The Art of War is one of the world’s most referenced books on strategy. It is primarily bothered with the best terrain to enable you to kill your enemies more efficiently, which is why it is a properly macho work for thrusting business leaders to read. Although it was written more than 2,000 ago by someone who may, or may not, have existed, is there anything more museums can learn from the work? I should add a note of caution at this point;

"Unfortunately, the application of The Art of War is often too aggressive, short-sighted or otherwise lacking in relevance. In some cases, this broad philosophy and mindset is applied to a very minute aspect of society or life. In other cases, some aspect of our society may change and people fail to consider that Tzu's writings may not be entirely appropriate any longer, or simply not valid most of the time."*

But I am going to follow the modern zeitgeist and ignore the accusations of ancient irrelevance and wildly and irresponsibly translate Sun Tsu's lessons to museums for your benefit.

1. It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin.

Translation: working in museums is our life and will be the death of us having ruined our livers in the pub over the road.

2. According as circumstances are favourable, one should modify one’s plans.

Translation: museum circumstances are rarely favourable so why bother planning

3. Ground on which we can only be saved from destruction by fighting without delay, is desperate ground.

Translation: Collections that can only be saved from destruction by conserving without delay should be thrown in the nearest skip. 

4. On open ground, do not try to block the enemy’s way. On the ground of intersecting highways, join hands with your enemies.

Translation: When the museum door is open don't stop the visitors coming in, but once in forcibly drag them the round the displays.

5. If he is secure at all points, prepare for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him.

Translation: If a customer complaint is on its way, get your excuses prepared, if he is a body builder - hide.

6. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest.

Translation: take away all seating to get the visitors round the displays and out the door as soon as possible.

7. Prohibit the taking of omens, and do away with superstitious doubts.

Translation: cash only on the door and no concessions for witches

8. To you know your enemy you must become your enemy

Translation: wander around the exhibitions and loudly criticise the displays to anyone who'll listen 

9. Use the conquered foe to augment one’s strength.

Translation: only keep items in lost property for 35 minutes before putting them on ebay

10. There is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged war.

Translation: never extend opening times 

*http://attrition.org/security/rants/fsck_sun_tzu/

Improve your museum productivity with advice from business, hollywood and history

In early blogs I have advocated an inactive approach to management, but that is a specific strategy that I believe is helpful to museums, not to capitalism in general. Sadly it appears that the worldwide influence of my blog and the inevitable misinterpretation of my message has had its consequences for commercial productivity in general. In the USA their Bureau of Labor Statistics has reported a full point drop in productivity for the first quarter of 2015*.

We all have distractions as Conservative MP Nigel Mills highlighted by being spotted playing Candy Crush during a Parliamentary Commons Committee debate at the end of last year. ** All motivation is internal. We can have bosses shouting at us, customers complaining, families disowning us and police investigating your museum accounts, but all that is meaningless unless you find the motivation within yourself to get on with things.

Fortunately for us Harold Bloom the Sterling Professor Emeritus at Yale University compiled a brief list of what he called “thought productivity nuggets” from history.

1. “Think not long, but do; do not long, but think.” --Confucius

2. “There is nothing wrong with complaining about work; but do the work first, and then the complaints will be all the more worthy to be heeded.” --Socrates

3. “Never hitch a pig to a plough or expect an ox to provide bacon.” --Virgil


Confucius and Socrates are clearly sensible productive men. Virgil was clearly an idiot and I will never look at his 'Aeneid' again in the same light.


In a more modern context Ofir Sahar is the chief digital strategist of Cogniview, (apparently the company converts PDF files to Excel - who would have thought that as a job 30 years ago). He has also collected productivity quotes from the less intellectual figures that show-biz provides:

4. “You may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you’ll get them to work harder if you use a flyswatter.” --Jerry Lewis

5. “Measure twice; cut once.” --Harrison Ford

6. “Measure results, not hours.” --Emma Thompson


It seems Jerry Lewis deserved his 'hard task master' reputation, Mr. Ford is betraying his background as a carpenter and/or his wooden acting technique, whereas Emma Thompson's attitude explains the large budgets needed to make feature films.

Now a couple of heavyweights, Tim Cook is CEO of Apple and the young tyro Donald Trump is now a prospective US President.

7. “The longer the meeting, the less is accomplished.” --Tim Cook

8. “I use my brain as a playground, not as a calendar.” --Donald Trump (does that explain his hairstyle?)

Apparently Cook will not hold a staff meeting longer than 10 minutes (it takes that long to argue over the biscuits in my organisation) and Donald Trump doesn't spend more than 10 minutes combing his wig which is why they are both very productive individuals.


So what have we learnt from all this? How can I be more productive? Well you can you can think about complaining whilst eating a curiously tasting bacon butty - that's how the ancients did it apparently. Or you can take forever whilst beating people with a stick, which is the Hollywood method. Or never spend more than 10 minutes doing anything to be more productive in business. The choice is yours.



*http://www.tradingeconomics.com/united-states/productivity - it has subsequently recovered so I might not be to blame after all.

**http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/6162232/VIDEO-Tory-MP-Nigel-Mills-caught-playing-Candy-Crush-during-key-Commons-meeting.html

Whither collections?

As I constantly strive to maintain the relevance of the Museum of Unreason to the modern world I regularly muse on the collection taking up the space in our stores, corridors, basement, cupboards, office desks and my garage. Occasionally, my mind drifts towards what a local museum collection will consist of in 50 years time?

Visitors of a certain age coo over our 7" vinyl records, 'Dandy' comics and Dungeons and Dragons games (or is that just me?). Does anyone else have dreams of entering a room filled orange and brown wallpaper to the sound of Mud's 'Tiger Feet' whilst wearing polyester slacks? Perhaps that is my equivalent of a near death experience of heaven. Sadly as my previous blog on religious observance confirmed there is a special place of torment waiting for me.

"But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, museum managers and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” (Revelations 21:8 ish)

Anyway, will the next generation of children coo over a Spotify screenshot, an RSS feed url and a cyberspace fantasy avatar? It is getting to the stage when the present is increasingly object free, increasingly globalised, increasingly generic. We are gradually freeing ourselves from material culture. Our social culture is becoming increasingly 'immaterial' in the many senses that that word conveys.

What will the role be of the local history museum in Britain now that we drive Japanese or German cars, eat in American fast food 'restaurants' and the rest of the things that define our existence are made in China and those which aren't are so niche they cannot be legitimately collected for their universality.

How do we depict the call centre service industry that employs 25% of the working population of Unreason? Even the Unreason football team which plies its trade in the Midland Olympian League Division Three has a Swedish manager called Sven and has had a recent influx of players from Syria who coincidentally appeared the day after my annual lorry delivery of cheap booze from Calais.

Two thirds of our ground floor space is given over to storing our collections at the moment, in the future will all I need is an iPad?

In 2000 the philosopher Hilde Hein wrote,

"Like most contemporary institutions, museums have descended from the heaven of authoritative certainty to inhabit the flatlands of doubt. That move could have inspired venturesome individuality and explorative novelty; in most instances, however, doubt has led to cautious self-censorship and timid understatement. It has brought progressively more uniformity as museums hedge their bets by covering all possibilities. The more they celebrate diversity, the more indiscernible museums have grown from one another and from other public institutions; the more emphasis they place on professionalism, the more standardized their practice becomes."

As I tweeted back in May,

"Has the drive to increase audiences led museums to become the cultural equivalent of a Big Mac and fries?”

What is the answer? If the headlong charge towards diversity and professionalism has led to uniformity and  standardisation. Must I repeat my message of proactive inactivity that I proposed in my Museums Association Conference keynote speech (see blog posting 'Impassioned Plea' from Feb 2013), or revise my manifesto towards virtual activity.

If I make a start by coming into work less and just having a picture of the museum in my head where I work, that might help. But a revision of the museum's collecting policy is needed.

For any donation the first question must be, 'is it local?' - preferably said in as threatening a League of Gentlemen way as possible.

Reject

• Anything created outside of Earth (no meteorites, no religious artefacts)
• Anything made outside of Europe (China may reach the GDP per head of the USA within the next 300 years, that is a blink of an eye in museum terms - it is not a museum's job to help them get there any quicker)
• Anything made outside UK (anything relating to democracy, theatre, the rule of law etc. - all nasty foreign imports)
• Anything made outside of the Unreason hinterland (the hinterland is defined as a circle of 400 yards around the post box)
• Anything touchable (If it is real reject it on the grounds of limited space, if it exists as a sequence of computer code accept it without question)
• Everything else

Accept

• money
• free help
• sympathy

In fact I'm thinking of  revising the museum website headline to;

Don't touch the things, this is a local museum for local people, there's nothing for you here.

This Be The Museum Verse - warning EXPLICIT

The English poet Philip Larkin famously turned down an O.B.E. in 1961 and the position of Poet Laureate in 1984 following the Marxist theory (Groucho not Karl) to refuse any club that would have him as a member. 

What is much less well known is, in 1955, he also turned down the role Principal Librarian at the British Museum (the post was renamed 'director' following the separation of the British Museum from the British Library in 1973) to join the University of Hull library. 

He never explained why, although one of his most famous poems 'This Be The Verse', gives a hint. It is possible that the deeply jaundiced view he had of his parents may have been veiled criticisms of the destructive establishment ideology that museums present and represent.

This re-reading is highly illuminating. When he described his father as 'nihilistically disillusioned in middle age' we can easily see the quote as a metaphor for the British museum sector as a whole. He described his mother as a "...kind of defective mechanism...Her ideal is 'to collapse' and to be taken care of" - that could be the Museums Association definition of a 21st Century British museum. 

Thus I have made it my duty to bring out the truth about museums in the famous poem. I take as inspiration the infamous credit of the 1966 film version of The Taming of the Shrew 'By William Shakespeare, with additional dialogue by Sam Taylor'

This Be The Verse*

by Philip Larkin with additional words by Frank Rason

They fuck museums up, your museum managers. 

They may not mean to, but they do. 

They fill exhibitions with the faults they learnt 

And add some extra, just for you. 

But they were fucked up in their turn 

By curators in old-style hats and coats, 

Who half the time were soppy-stern 

And half at one another's throats. 

Museums hand on misery to man. 

It deepens like a coastal shelf. 

Visit them as little as you can, 

And don't work in museums yourself.

* The original is available for you to read at http://www.artofeurope.com/larkin/lar2.htm

Can a museum follow strict religious regime?

Faithful reader I am back from a summer sojourn touring around Engalnd's motor museums on my bike. I meditated deeply while pedalling to Beaulieu. Certainly I began to understand the Buddha's philosophy that all life is suffering. Even a new padded saddle purchased from Halford's on the M3 at Winchester failed to ease my pain. Are saddle sores a barrier to achieving Nirvana? Undaunted, in true Buddhist fashion I do cherish the (museum) world and love it without limit, so a sore bottom is a small price to pay for the knowledge that I will be reborn as an object in one of the world's great museums, I'm not being picky, but the Smithsonian will do nicely.

These spiritual meanderings have led me to think I should review our museum practice based on religious doctrines. Given that my museum operates within a Judeo-Christian culture I should stop following the pathway of Buddhism by trying to make all museum visitors suffer. But can the wisdom of the Bible help? I only quote from the King James version which is the greatest, best and only version worthy of God's true wisdom. I would recommend a quick perusal of the book of Leviticus for some eye watering religious requirements, but I will start more gently with St. Paul's first epistle to Timothy in Ephesus.

1. Dress code (1 Timothy 2:9)
"...that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;"

Not really a problem, but it is tempting to try and confiscate the pearls from the necks of some of our regular visitors which might help balance the budget. 

also (Leviticus 19:19)

"...neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee."

Oh dear, many of my suits are consigned to the dustbin as well.

2. Canteen menu (Leviticus 11:4 & 11:29)

"...shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you."

"These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse, and the tortoise after his kind,"

I have no problem taking camels and mice off the cafe menu, although foregoing the occasional weasel butty may be more of a hardship.

3. Personal Appearance (Leviticus 19:28)

"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you:"

Sadly I'm going to have to let our 16 year old work experience girl, Wendy, go as her penchant for 'body art' condemns her to hell. A quick trip to get the likeness of Simon Schama removed from my left buttock is already pencilled in the diary.

4. Remuneration (Proverbs 23:4)

"Labour not to be rich: cease from thine own wisdom."

This is not usually a problem in the museum world, but a swift cut of volunteer expenses should suffice. I interpret, 'cease from thine own wisdom' as 'don't think about it too much', which will be my retort when they complain.

5. School Visits (Psalms 137:9)

"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

I can but dream.

6. Sunday opening (Exodus 31:15)

"...whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death."

That puts an end to that argument 

7. Staff Room Manners (Ephesians 5:4)

"Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks."

That should cut down the ribald conversation from my blue-rinse volunteers at tea breaks

8. Respect for senior staff (Leviticus 19:32) 

"Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man,"

It is already on the noticeboard in the staff room. 

9. New interpretation strategy? (Leviticus 19:16)

"Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people:"

Remove all object labels and interpretation panels and see what happens?

10. Homosexuality is OK in a museum (Levitics 18:22)

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

Given the prevailing view to interpret the bible literally, we have general policy that there should be no lying down in our display areas. That means no sleepovers in the galleries which is a bit of a shame, but it does mean that everyone is welcome in our museum.

You may think I have selected randomly from the bible and removed the context of the quotations (just like a museum collection) and can be open to criticism. 

Such criticisms are irrelevant as they will confirm that I am already on the express train to eternal damnation and that many of you are on the train with me, so let's enjoy living life and the myriad of experiences that the world has to offer; the alternative is less attractive:

"Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword." (Deuteronomy 13:15)

 God help us all.

 

Will the last one to leave please turn the lights off

*Adapted from an image in a The Atlantic article 'A World Without Work' July/August 2015 
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/07/world-without-work/395294/

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say To A Curator

"What budget do you need for future acquisitions?"

"Clear your accessioning backlog by the weekend."

"I need you to give a half hour talk to the 65 seven year old school kids from the local inner city school on our early Twentieth Century Vorticist art collection tomorrow."

"Can I borrow your stuffed badger from the natural history collection for a stag party I'm having this weekend?"

"Can you show the St.Vitus Dance tour group around the ceramics open display?"

"Please let me see inside your store, just once, go on, you know you want to."

"Do you wear your nitrile gloves in bed?"

"Handling collections are important too"

"Can't you sell it on Ebay?"

"Your round!"

More Gnomic Aphorisms for Museums

In my self anointed role as museum guru I often tweet remarkably deep and important thoughts about museums and the museum world. Some of them are appreciated, some of them aren't, but I think I'm beginning to see a shift in museum practice as a consequence. I like to think the British Museum's Community Conference was inspired by the Museum of Unreason's weekly 'let's talk about it in the pub' sessions. Perhaps the V&A's desire to embrace the loss of curatorial control via social media is a direct mirroring of my own loss of control after Theakston's Old Peculier has worked its singular magic during my sessions 'in the pub'.

During the month of May I have been tweeting my manifesto to the world in 140 characters or less. Here they are collected in one place as a resource for history to thank me for in the centuries to come.


Importance of Museums

"I don't think many people have a very good understanding of museums and the importance they could play in their lives."

"In museums nearly everything we do is of no importance, but it is important that we do it."

"Museums,if poor, are of no importance, and if excellent, of infinite importance. The only thing is they cannot be is moderately important."

"For sustainability what is required is a profound and thorough conviction of the justice, necessity and importance of museums by museums."

"We shouldn't stop talking about the importance of our museums & culture because the well-being of society is directly linked to them."

"I see little of more importance to the future of our country and of civilisation than full recognition of the place of the museum."

"Without a museum, society is a flock of sheep without a shepherd but without innovation, a museum is a living corpse."


Museum Funding

"The importance of money to museums flows from it being a non-existent in the present with the likelihood of there being less in the future."

"Museums for museums' sake is a philosophy of the well-funded."

"Museums should be more about making an impact on society, rather than making an income from society."



Future of Museums 

"The only way to predict the future  for your museum is to shape your own future for it, not leave it to gov’t."

"Surely museum sustainability depends on changing thinking to become something that society 'needs to have' rather than 'would like to have'."

"Museums are not a product of their circumstances. They are a product of their decisions and the quicker they realise this the better."

"The best time to have rethought your museum was 10 years ago - the second best time is now."



Museums as Cultural Hubs

"For a museum to be a cultural leader is not to have all the ideas; it's to create a culture where everyone can have ideas & feel valued."

"Diversity in museums results from the real interchange of ideas, objects and influences, not from the insular development of a single idea."

"We should not want museums for the few any more than education for the few, or freedom for the few."

Secret of Good Exhibitions

"The aim of a museum is to display not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance for humanity."

"The basic principle of a museum exhibition must be to make us pause."

"A good museum exhibition allows you to enter it from a variety of angles and to emerge with a variety of views."

"Great museums discuss ideas; average museums discuss events; poor museums discuss people."

"Museums must never, ever underestimate the importance of having fun."

"Museums should not merely be a pleasure. They must give spectacular joy to life & contribute immensely to goodwill and happy companionship."

"It isn't what a museum looks like but what it is that is of basic importance."

"Museums must understand the importance of engaging with the bond of children with their parents through learning.."

"To make us feel small in the right way is a function of a museum; the trouble is many make us feel small in the wrong way."

"Shouldn’t a museum's philosophy be, ‘If it can’t be fun what’s the point in doing it?'."

Museums as Repositories of Material Culture

"All objects are subject to museums interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

"Nothing is so frustrating or futile as museum with ambition but without systematic knowledge & collections to underpin it."

"Time extracts various values from objects. When these are exhausted & the original uses are forgotten then they will be donated to a museum."

"Museums shouldn’t be all about getting and having bigger collections, they should be about giving and being."

"Curatorship: the art of protecting old things from the weather."

"Will all human experience eventually crumble and end up lost in museum stores?"

"The world exists to end up in a museum."

Medical Museum Entry Signs

On a recent walking tour of medical museums I was struck by their innate cleanliness and general bedside manner of their staff, but most of all by their friendly welcoming entry signs on their front doors.

Association of Coloproctologists of Great Britain Museum -
                                          'To enter - go where no person has gone before'

British Dental Association Museum - ‘Open wide'

Royal College Psychiatrists Museum, 'Pull on the knob/penis/mother/handle to enter'

The British Association of Urological Surgeons Museum, 

          'Enter when you like but when you've got to go you've REALLY GOT TO GO'

British Cardiovascular Society Museum, 'Enter and we'll be with you in a heartbeat'

Association of Surgeons of Great Britain and Ireland Museum, 

                            'Please wash your hands before entering'

UK Gynaecology Society Museum - 'Please open the letterbox for attention'

Association of British Neurologists Museum 'Enter if you have a mind to'

ENT Society Museum 'Enter here for a limited sensory experience'

Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health Museum 'Adults Only'

British Geriatrics Society Museum 'Enter quickly before you forget why you came'

Imagine?

Imagine no museums
It's easy if you try
No memories for us
We can only cry
Imagine all the people
Existing in dismay...

Imagine there's no museums
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to visit or live for
And no libraries too
Imagine all the people whose
Cultural life will cease...

You may say its a nightmare
But you're not the only one
I fear someday they'll close us
And our world will be undone

Imagine no museums
I wonder if you can
No fun for kids or younger
A wilderness for man
Imagine all the people
Despairing at the world...

You may say its a nightmare
But you're not the only one
I hope someday they'll fund us
And museums will live again



As John Lennon himself said,

"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have
the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."



Let us all scream so that someone in power notices the museum sector drowning.

Can the Museums Association Learn From FIFA?

OK so you are corrupt, egotistical, sexist, ethically challenged and living proof that you don't have to be popular to be in charge. Well you are not alone - so is Sepp Blatter (or should I say WAS Sepp Blatter who selfishly resigned just as I had started a blog page on his impressive survival techniques even in the face of truth, justice and the American way).

So is Sepp Blatter the typical head of an association? I think I can honestly say NO. The Museums Association has never left $10000 in a brown envelope in my hotel room when I've attended their conference. But given that we are an enlightened liberal profession, is there anything the Museums Association can learn from Mr. Blatter? Of course there is. 

1. One Museum One Vote

Young Mr. Blatter kept in power at FIFA by using the single vote system; giving a pseudo-country like the Faroes has as much power as England (another pseudo-country, but you get my point). So he extended memberships to anybody who could kick a ball diluting the power of the 'big boys'. So the obvious way forward is for the president of the MA Board to change the constitution to make it 1 museum 1 vote, then the Museum of Unreason would have the same influence as the British Museum - making us much more democratic so that us 'little boys' are not bullied by the superior professionalism, experience and ethics of the well-run organisations.

2. Spread the Love

Blatter used funds generated by the powerful nations and distributed them across the world. A simple lesson to be learned here is to use some of the British Museums funding and distribute it unevenly across the Museum sector. That would guarantee Museum of Unreason's vote for president.

3. Have Nothing to Hide

As Uncle Sepp once said in 2003, "Neither FIFA nor its president have anything to hide, nor do they wish to," This is an obvious management tip. Lie and keep lying only until a long gaol term beckons. I notice this hasn't been part of the Museums Association's recent ethics consultation - MA missing a trick?

4. Move to Switzerland

Swiss privacy laws are your friend even when you have nothing to hide, it avoids wasting time answering unnecessary questions so you can get on with the job unhindered. MA take note there may be some cheap office accommodation becoming available in Lucerne shortly - and London is sooo expensive.

5. Hang around long enough and make everyone scared of change

Blatter had something in common with Syria's Bashar al-Assad and many many bad managers who tend to hang around too long. Simply don't move on, don't resign, don't die and use the techniques outlined above to keep in power. In the museum world you could even die and be put into storage before anybody notices. As Confucius himself said, "Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change." Are you wise or stupid? I'm proud to say I'm both.

I'll leave the final word to Sepp himself (suitably adapted for my audience)

"The Museums Association stands for discipline, respect, fair-play, not just in museums, but in our society as well."

Hear! Hear!

How To Write the Perfect Museum Interpretation Panel

The museum interpretation panel is the bread and butter of any museum display. Properly written it provides an excellent opportunity for visitors to ignore it as they desperately press all the buttons on your broken interactive next to it.

In the words of Ernie Wise (younger readers can ask your parents who he was) if you have talent like what I have got then the beautifully crafted interpretation panel is within your reach. It is just a question of avoiding some obvious pitfalls.*

• Steer clear of cliches; if you give them a wide berth then your panel will be the cat's whiskers.

• Brevity is key; do not use more words for the general concept, idea or fact you are trying to express, articulate or explain

• Always avoid, abnegate and abjure annoying and aggravating alliteration

• Facts need to be specific, more or less

• Complete sentences only, please

• It goes without saying all verbs has to agree with subjects  

• Parenthetical remarks (however pertinent) are (almost always) superfluous

• The passive voice is to be avoided

• Foreign words are de trop and suck the joie de vivre out of the text

• Delete commas, that, are not, necessary

• One should never generalise

• Avoid ampersands & abbreviations etc.

• Analogies on panels are like track suits on sloths

• Never use big words when diminutive expressions will discharge the meaning more efficaciously

• Never use quotations, as Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations."

• Who needs rhetorical questions?

• Never mix your metaphors, even if your well turned phrase flies like a bird, it should still be given its marching orders

• Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement

• Finally, proofread carefully to see if you any words out

By following these simple rules will turn you panel into something you will be proud for the general public to ignore. 

*My bible for all things factual and grammatical is  'How much poo does an elephant do?" by Mitchell Symons. Thanks to him for his tips and inspiration that I have passed onto you today - all museum professionals must own it.

Is there such a thing as Museumism?

Last week I speculated as to what a museum is, but is there such a thing as museumism? By which I mean a distinctive practice, system, or philosophy. The answer should be a resounding yes, but you will struggle to find it Webster's Dictionary. In society we have a new government that follows a philosophy of conservatism. The Church of England constantly strives to combat the growth of atheism, and ignorantism is my justification for not being able to spell diarrear, dairhere, diarrhoer... the runs. Museumism occasionally surfaces in the art world, less so in the actual museum world itself yet we are already ruled by 'isms'. So, in order to get to a sense of museumism, I need to address the number of 'isms' that apply specifically to museums, or have a specific meaning within a museum context. Do you recognise any of these from your organisation?

absurdism - belief that we work in an irrational profession

academicism - doctrine that nothing of any use can be learned from an interpretation panel

catastrophism - belief in the true nature of change in the museum sector

casualism - belief that chance governs all museum decisions

existentialism - doctrine of the individual curator's responsibility for an unfathomable museum store

fatalism – belief that all objects in stores are inevitably lost for ever

idealism - belief that our experiences in the museum leave us with no idea about the outside world 

but we are comforted  by

illusionism - belief that the world external to the museum is actually not real

laxism - belief that the unlikely opinion of the museum manager may be safely followed

millenarianism - belief that the ideal museum will be produced in the near future

pejorism - severe pessimism, if we display it they will still not come 

rationalism - belief that wikipedia is the fundamental research source for your next exhibition

resistentialism - theory that inanimate museum objects display malice towards curators

voluntarism - belief that the volunteers eat all the biscuits

So where does that leave museumism itself? Can we draw together the disparate 'isms' under the heading of museumism. If our mission can be to inspire a more thoughtful society, can we develop that into an 'ism' that reflects the challenges and aspirations of the sector?

MUSEUMISM - the belief that (despite poor funding, irrational staff, lost objects and a lack of biscuits) buildings, objects and ideas can be drawn together to create an understanding of the value of the past to inspire a more thoughtful future for society.

Job done, now to write to Mr. Webster to get it in his dictionary.

What is a Museum?

The question I usually ask of strangers is, 'Where is the museum?'

Why you might ask? After an enjoyable weekend at the Unreason Beer and Cider Festival (a pleasing memory comes to mind when I made the acquaintance of Cotswold Blow Horn in 2014) my sense of direction is often temporarily disrupted. Indeed I was so tired and emotional this year that the question, 'What museum?' slipped from my fevered lips. Staff and volunteers insisted that it did exist, but that it wasn't located under a hedge round the back of the International Ciders marquee. At this point I shall digress to recommend Jeremiah Weed's cider from Kentucky - which I believe to be the reason I found myself examining the hedge from below in the first place. Readers will be comforted to know I regained my eyesight in a few hours and was able to walk again unaided within the week. But it inspired me to ask the question, can a museum be a hedge?

I know many of us begin to philosophise uncontrollably under the influence of alcohol. Indeed it is hard to disagree that wine is bottled poetry and Theakston's Old Peculier is the gateway to somewhere extraordinary. If the champagne glass reputedly represents the shape of Marie Antoinette's breasts and the Greeks drank wine from 'mastos' cups it is clear that even the ancients knew that new ideas and new thinking are suckled at the teat of mother booze.

This long preamble is by way of introduction to the larger question at issue today - what is a museum?

The basic dictionary definition is a place to start,

"a building in which objects of historical, scientific, artistic, or cultural interest are stored and exhibited."

The UK's Museums Association take it further,

'Museums enable people to explore collections for inspiration, learning and enjoyment. They are institutions that collect, safeguard and make accessible artefacts and specimens, which they hold in trust for society.'


International Council of Museums (ICOM) phrases it slightly differently, in particular,

  ''..in the service of society.."


All are adequate, but limit us to buildings and objects. Quite rightly the ICOM and the Museums Association encourage us to do something fun and educational with the objects, but I begin to diverge from this thinking about the notion of holding collections 'for' society. We are part of society, we should be integral not separate. Collections should be held by society. Collections represent society. Collections are society, society is a collection of people and people are people (UKIP excepted). What you can safely say is that the concept of the museum wouldn't exist without people - but it can exist without collections or buildings - so the current definitions are wrong. The Royal Albert Memorial Museum in Exeter actually had a million visitors when it was shut for four years. In 2010 the Maison des Civilisation et de l’Unité Réunionnaise (MCUR) opened on Reunion Island. In the words of Francois Verges,

"The MCUR was not conceived around a collection, but rather around the desire and the will to offer a space of encounter, debate and interpretation."

So there are just two examples where either the 'collection' was irrelevant or the 'building' was. The common denominator is the 'people'.

Sorry I'm getting carried away, anyway its my round in the pub (a blood orange flavoured Hooch, a pint of bitter, a port and lemon and a sparkling mineral water for the miserable designated driver).

So we need to step back to the origin of the word museum. To 'muse' is to be absorbed in one's thoughts - you can, but do not have to, muse in a specific location or with a particular object. You can do it anywhere at any time (red traffic lights are my favourite; I found musing at green lights led to much higher car insurance premiums). A muse can also be defined as 'an inspiration' after the 9 Greek goddesses that symbolised the arts and sciences.

If we, who work in museums, accept that we have buildings and that we have collections, but not be tied by them, then our thinking is freed up immensely. Can we make it our mission to inspire society in thought? Extraordinary things might flow from that. The way we collect, the way we dispose, the way we present, the way we engage do not have to be tied to collections and buildings, they can become 'stuff' to help us not bind us.

A new dictionary definition of a museum?


"A concept to inspire a thoughtful society"


It makes you think; anyway a couple more Hooches and I'll set about asking whether we have free will and does that explain Keeping Up With The Kardashians?

 

Blue is the Newest Colour

I've paused from painting the doors of the Museum of Unreason a lovely shade of 'Conservative Blue' (part of Dulux's 'Political Range' of paints) to celebrate the fact that our great nation is in the safe hands of a single political party. Surely that's infinitely preferable to the prospect of a further 5 years of ridiculously compromised coalition government, that led to stability, moderation and economic growth - nobody wanted that.

Museums should welcome unrestrained right wing political control - why might you ask? Let the words of Sajid Javid, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport reassure you,

"...don’t let anyone tell you that Conservatives don’t care about culture."

That's good enough for me.

Who wants moderation and a socialist culture of dependency? Let us be free from the shackles of subsidy support; let us be celebrate the transfer of lottery funding to prop up the new English Heritage charity. If the Government can redefine our national heritage organisation - let us take inspiration from the Conservative Party and redefine museums in the spirit that our great nation decided at the ballot box on Thursday. 

When I say 'nation' I'm naturally excluding Scotland that believes itself to be a separate country but isn't, Northern Ireland that is a separate country but believes it isn't, Wales that just isn't, and Brighton Pavillion which has gone Green apparently (I suspect conservation issues with metal roofing).

Which blue museum will you be by 2020?

The Healthy Museum
Become part of the NHS 'local' to take advantage of the increased funding (£8bn a year) all you need to do is change the temporary exhibition space into a 24 hour NHS Direct drop in centre (staffed by volunteers obviously!) and guarantee that everyone over 75 will get an appointment the same day for the curator to value their beer mat collections.

The Educational Museum
Lift the cap on student visitor numbers, but make them take SATs on arrival. All exhibitions will include English, maths, science, a language and history or geography, with the new standards organisation Ofmuse unable to award its highest ratings to museums that refuse to display these core subjects.

The Housing Museum
Open your stores to tenants and extend the right-to-buy Giftaid scheme to all museum visitors. First time visitors under the age of 40 to be sold tickets at 20% below the market rate.

The Childcare Museum
Provide 30 hours of free child volunteer activity to working parents of three- and four-year-olds. I suggest getting them to help with documenting the accessioning backlog in the stores.

The Immigration Museum
Instigate new rules so that people will have to be earning income in the UK for a number of years before they can visit your museum and only have exhibitions in English to encourage language integration.

National Security Museum
Don't reduce the size of the regular ex armed services volunteers and offer to take a Trident submarine into your museum as a touring exhibit (optionally site it in Scotland just to annoy the SNP). Don't allow into the museum groups that foment hate (quite a wide constituency if the opinions of my volunteers are anything to go by) and ban from your museum extremist groups (W.I., Family History Societies, NADFAS, etc.).

What Does the 2015 UK General Election Mean for Museums

As I sit here I feel blessed to be writing from a country where I can look out over the world's most beautiful countryside where it is always seems bright and sunny and where the people are always friendly to immigrants - I should go on holiday more often. So there is a smile on my face as I type this from my holiday villa in an economically challenged part of Europe with an excellent exchange rate. 

As a stressed museum professional worried about the start of the visitor season at Easter, I felt it was important to leave all that to the volunteers whilst I recharge my batteries after a hard winter worrying about how I look in swimming trunks.

However, the most important thing is - I have cast my postal vote for the UK's 2015 General Election. The polls suggest it will be a close run thing, but what do the main parties have in mind for museums and what advice can I give to museums who find themselves under a Conservative/UKIP/Plaid Cymru coalition next week. To save you all from wading through the hopelessly optimistic election brochures, I've done it for you.

So what do the manifestos say?

The Conservative Party - they are very specific. In a whole paragraph related to heritage and museums. They promise to destabilise Stonehenge by driving a road under it,  they promise to continue underinvestment in national museums by not allowing them to charge. They are going to create an India gallery in Manchester through a partnership with The Manchester Museum (is there only one in Manchester?). This seems as absurd as opening a Manchester museum in India. Why not either give back the treasures taken from India or allow relevant communities to decide?  And finally divert Heritage Lottery Funds from local heritage groups and regional museums by redirecting it into the newly created English Heritage charity (which was formerly funded by government). 
MARKS OUT OF 10 = 0
Advice - if you are a local authority run or independent charitable museum - take a pistol out of the gun store and apply it to the temple 

The Labour Party - they are less specific, but more interfering.  They will continue to fund free entry to national museums (see above for my view on that). But they add a commitment to universal free access to great art and national heritage 'in all parts of the country' - they don't mean all museums with designated collections, or museums with the word national in their title - or do they? Reckless socialist spending on culture is back!!! They will also require all organisations that receive arts funding to open their doors to young people (instead of slamming doors in their faces as we do now?) but redressing the balance of funding around the country - to stop being Londoncentric? Sadly they will get into power and look at the accounts find they cannot increase spending that will only leave interference as their only policy - hmmm.
MARKS OUT OF 10 = 0
Advice - move your museum out of London and rename your museum as I will do 
The Young People's National Museum of Unreason

The Liberal Democrat Party - Tory-lite? They will continue to fund free entry to national museums (is there a pattern emerging?) and...and...and...nothing else
MARKS OUT OF 10 = 0
Advice - see Conservative Party (this time add a bullet)

So what about the more marginal parties that might hold the balance of power

Scottish National Party - 'Make Scotland Stronger at Westminster'.They will continue to ignore the existence of museums entirely
MARKS OUT OF 10 = 0
Advice - do not move your museum to Scotland

Plaid Cymru - 'Working for Wales'. They will pledge free entry to the National Museum of Wales...zzzzz
MARKS OUT OF 10 = 0
Advice - do not move your museum to Wales

Green Party - 'For the Common Good' Their statement is worth copying verbatim, "Increase government arts funding by £500 million a year to restore the cuts made since 2010 and reinstate proper levels of funding for local authorities, helping to keep local museums, theatres, libraries and art galleries open." Golly - the only question is how are they going to pay for it?
MARKS OUT OF 10 = 10
Advice - paint your museum green!!

UKIP - 'Believe in Britain' No word on museums specifically, but much on a romanticised concept of British 'heritage'. They are working to protect our 'green and pleasant land'. Joy of joys - they will reinstate a Minister of Heritage and Tourism to the cabinet. They will prioritise conservation over development, stopping any of this terrible change that is destroying our country. Although they have pledged something that will have historic house house owners (and many others with listed buildings to maintain) salivating by promising to remove VAT on repairs to listed buildings. Most importantly they will initiate policies to save the pub and the great British seaside. Put UKIP in charge and they will turn us back to an idealised 1950s. 
MARKS OUT OF 10 = +1 (the VAT policy) - 11 for being complete numpties = -10
Advice - start wearing tweed, move your museum to Skegness and rename it the Red Lion and book Morris Dancing Groups

I cannot tell you which way to vote, just make sure it is for the common good.

Happy voting.

A Museum Manager's Ten Commandments

In an effort to improve museum discipline and encourage an increase in respect for me and my role as museum manager I put the following on the staff noticeboard (similarities to any similar commandments are entirely coincidental). 

I am the museum manager your God, who brought you out of amateur collecting and out of the land of attics, garages and car boot sales. You shall obey the following commandments.

1. You shall have no other museum manager other than me.

2. You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything resembling bare buttocks on a photocopier. You shall not put them on the internet or attach them to the staff room noticeboard; for I, the Lord your manager, am a jealous manager, punishing the volunteers for their sin.

3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your manager, for the manager will not hold anyone guiltless who calls him Adolf.

4. Remember the Sabbath day is the busiest museum visiting day of the week. Most days you shall labour and do a bit of work, but every day is a sabbath to the museum manager. On it he shall not do any work, whether you, your son or daughter, or your male or female servant, or your animals, or any foreigner doth visit the museum.

5. Honour your father and your mother, so that you may subsidise your minimum wage the Lord your museum manager is giving you.

6. You shall not murder the museum manager.

7. You shall not commit adultery unless the museum manager can wan watch.

8. You shall not steal from the 'tea club' in the staff room.

9. You shall not give false testimony against your museum manager.

10. You shall not covet your manager’s house. You shall not covet your manager’s wife (if he ever gets one), or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that the manager possesses that may once have been part of the museum collections.

N.B. Edith its your turn to buy the biscuits this week - chocolate hobnobs preferred.

Great Quotes from Museum Novels

Following the success of my previous blog speculating as to what great movie quotes would be like if the films were set in museums, I have decided to do a sequel of sorts.

What would the opening lines be of great novels if they had been set in museums?

 “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single curator in possession of a good collection, must be in want of a life.” Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

"All museums are alike; each museum is engaging in its own way." Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

"It is the best of museums, it is the worst of museums, it is the museum of wisdom, it is the museum of foolishness, it is the museum of belief, it is the museum of incredulity, it is the museum of Light, it is the museum of Darkness, it is the museum of hope, it is the museum of despair, so began the museum manager's latest vision statement." A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

‘It was a bright cold day at the British Horological Institute, and the clocks in need of conservation were striking thirteen.’ 1984 by George Orwell

"Where now? Who now? When now? The registrar murmured to herself over the museum's latest acquisition" The Unnamable by Samuel Becket

"The museum is a foreign country: they do things differently there." The Go-Between by L.P.Hartley

“As Gregor Samsa arrived at work one morning after uneasy dreams he found himself confronted in his costume store by a monstrous vermin.” Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

"All children, except ones that go on to work in museums, grow up." Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

"Under certain circumstance there are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as object accessioning." The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James

"The Museum Manager was drunk. He was eloquently drunk, lovingly and pugnaciously drunk." Elmer Gantry by Sinclair Lewis