Cardiff MA Conference - Anticipation of Jibber Jabber Joo

The prospect of the upcoming Museums Association Conference in Cardiff has got me so excited that I've started bastardising nonsense poetry.*

On the Cardiff Nong!
With a conference Bong!
Where curators all say BOO!
There's a Cardiff Ning!
Where the workshops Ping!
And the keynotes jibber jabber joo.
On the Cardiff Nang!
The MA goes Clang!
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So its Cardiff Nong!
Conference Bong!
Cardiff Ning!
Workshops Ping!
Cardiff Nang!
The MA goes Clang!
What a noisy place to belong
is the Cardiff MA ConferNong!!

My moustache is waxed, my uniform pressed and my Twitter thumb is twitching in anticipation - see you there!!

*Sincere apologies to Spike Milligan and his 'On the Ning Nang Nong'

A Dream Fulfilled: original car park art

Having spent my life struggling to achieve an appropriate level of mediocrity in my chosen profession I had few ambitions left before Time's bony hand grasped my soul. However, one of the remaining ambitions was to inspire 'art of the car park' and thereby widen the appreciation of this modern architectural phenomenon as true heritage before we sleep walk into a carbon neutral (car park free?) future. In my blog 'The Future Will Be Better Tomorrow' I speculated that my work was done; there was no need to blog any more as the world had now woken up to this important issue. Almost immediately the Scottish independence referendum quickly brought me out of retirement; shockingly there was not one mention of car parks in the SNP manifesto. THEN, my inbox pinged, my heart leapt and my soul sang when 'Curfew 1: Three Car Parks' (below) was sent to me for my consideration.

When you go into a car park, how do you feel? Do you develop a different perspective on life? Does the sheer geometry of the location inspire you? Does the bleakness of concrete and metal overwhelm you? Or do you just get your car keys out, open the car door and drive off, missing the possibility of possibility.

In the case of this immensely talented young artist, car parks have inspired her to map her subconscious psychogeographical experiences in those spaces to create something new, and special, and wonderful. In a previous blog I considered Picasso's view that, 'art is the lie that enables us to realise the truth'. Little did I think that I would see the embodiment of Picasso's thesis.

'Curfew 1: Three Car Parks' has an inherent truth. Study it closely and our human interaction with car parks begins to make sense. The rawness of it speaks to the very soul of soullessness that car parks appear to embody. But the piece takes that bleakness, reflects it, deflects it and then fashions an impossible beauty from it. Thus it goes beyond Picasso, it has strong echoes of Nietzsche. I would hesitate to go as far as asserting that standing in a car park is like gazing into the abyss, but it is a locus enabling you to face down the monsters within you to allow true artistic release. As Neitzsche stated in the prologue to Thus Spoke Zarathustra “You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star”. 

This work is a dancing star.

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Aren't car parks wonderful. Isn't art wonderful. Isn't life great. Art makes life worthwhile and car parks make a trip to the shops bearable - apologies for the bathos - so excuse me while I wipe a manly tear from my eye and go and lie down for a bit.

Curfew 1: Three Car Parks lithograph by Sarah Fischer

The Best Museums

Many people ask me, 'what is your favourite museum?' and I always answer, 'mine'. But I have to acknowledge that there are other museums out there that are nearly as good as mine. So in the interests of communal solidarity I thought I would select some that I would invite to join me in the Democratic Republic of Museums (see the Independence Special blog). I've done the list in alphabetic order to avoid accusations of bias and illiteracy.

Beamish Open Air Museum (Stanley, Co. Durham)
Possibly the reason why I now work in the sector, having first visited when it opened in the 1970s. It was the first museum 'experience' I had - by which I mean I wasn't looking at something in a glass case; I was touching, smelling, tasting - 'experiencing' the past. It has continued to grow and develop ever since. No museum can be entirely bad when you get the opportunity to eat fish and chips and ride on a tram etc. This museum is the very definition of 'a day out' and yet in a structured safe enjoyable educational non-museum 'museumy' way.

Coventry Transport Museum (Coventry)
Nobody in their right mind goes to Coventry, right? And especially not another museum that is really just a car park for knackered old vehicles, right? Well go to Coventry and go to this museum. If you never thought of transport as the embodiment of civilisation's development and ingenuity - you will after visiting here. It puts all other 'transport' museums to shame. Engaging, full of stories (and iconic objects). It just keeps getting better.

The Fitzwilliam Museum (Cambridge)
Hugely small and intimately magnificent. A real contradiction of a museum. As befits its great age as a museum the whole of civilisation is in there. A place of revelation, discovery and learning. Think of  it as a version of the British Museum that's shrunk in the wash. i.e. more manageable and with less queues.

The Great North Museum (Newcastle)

Don't tell me the prospect of playing with an interactive model of Hadrian's Wall doesn't tempt you. The British Museum has leant this museum lots of great stuff so that you can think of this as the British Museum with Georgie Accents (whayaye!!). The entrance just blows you away ( I won't spoil the surprise, but it is the best entrance to any museum in the world) and when you are knackered go into the planetarium - mind blowing.

The Horniman (London)
Do you want to see a great natural history collection that isn't in the Natural History Museum? Do you want a museum that knows it has a tourist audience and a local community to serve? Have you a young family? Then the Horniman is the place to go. To put it bluntly they don't just put up a display and forget about it until hell freezes over - it is alive, vibrant and current. Clearly the team there care about their museum and the audience.
PS There's not just natural history there - but it does have a great aquarium.

Manchester Museum (erm... Manchester)
Not another red brick Victorian university museum...ho hum... No! It is alive (quite literally in the case of the vivarium). It is probably the definition of exceeding expectations. It is difficult to describe, but nothing is as you would expect it to be. Please visit it and come out, surprised, refreshed and stimulated. I'm beginning to think university museums are turning into some of the best family friendly intellectually rigorous museums around.

The Mary Rose Museum (Portsmouth)
Having seen this develop over the years, the latest incarnation is astounding (and still not finished at the time of visiting). This has possibly been my best experience in recent memory. From the building, to the displays, to the interactions with volunteers everything works, engages and illuminates. A true sense of place and time is delivered.

The Pitt Rivers Museum (Oxford)
It was a toss up between this and the Ashmolean (world's first purpose-built public museum). Why not visit them both - they're practically next door. But the Pitt Rivers is different. It is a treasure trove, it is a museum of a museum. It seems like the whole world is on display and is asking to be discovered. I felt like I was entering an Indiana Jones movie (without the Nazis) frozen in time.

The Royal Albert Memorial Museum (Exeter)
Here's what a great reinterpretation can do for a 'traditional' gothic museum. Somebody there doesn't take themselves too seriously. Although it is a crazily wide-ranging eclectic collection, it has a lightness of tone that keeps your eyebrows raised and a permanent smile on your face. If only more museums could bring fun into the core interpretation in the same way.

SS Great Britain (Bristol)
One big object (another ship) but multiple interpretations and stories. Possibly the scariest adventure awaits for anyone without a head for heights, or fear of being underwater. Multiple award winning attraction and understandably so. I like the fact that its whole story has been articulated in an inclusive way. I left humbled and shaken - not the usual range of emotions felt when leaving a museum.

This list is entirely personal and reflects my prejudices and biases, so if you disagree then you are obviously wrong even though you think you are right. Seek help - or better still visit the museums and know the truth of what I say.

Independence Special

This morning we know the result of the Scottish independence referendum - they bottled it! It was a weird referendum when the independence movement was arguing that the best bits of the union would be preserved by leaving it and the unionist side pushing increased Scottish autonomy by staying in the union. So you could argue that the nationalists won when they lost. A suitable topic for debate in the pub this evening after a few pints.

However, if you want strength of purpose wrapped in romantic wishful thinking then look no further than the museum sector. So is it the time, at last, for museums to also declare independence from government interference and the vicissitudes of the political expediency. In fact we will be better together separately. So I am going to start a petition to create the Democratic Republic of Museums (DRUM).

Out manifesto? Inspired by the SNP (www.snp.org/vision) - with minor improvements

Better Museums
Museums can be more successful. In DRUM's first four year term, we will have record school visits, shorter waiting times in our cafeterias and reduced crime in temporary exhibition spaces. This is only a start. There is so much more we want to achieve for our museums. So much more to do to create the sort of museums we all know they can be. Now is a time for museums to keep moving forward, and if we do, prosperity and accreditation will come.

Wealthier Museums
“Creating and protecting jobs is at the very top of our agenda for the next four years”
In the years ahead DRUM will be working hard to deliver new jobs and new opportunities for museum professionals young and old. As we take the first steps on the road to recovery, our vision for museums is of a sector that increasingly benefits from high-paid and high quality jobs in the emerging initiatives, like digital interactives, WW1 commemorations and collection disposal.

Healthier Museums
“I want you to visit safely and quickly”
Our vision is of a museum service that continues to deliver fast interpretation, as baffling to you as possible. The hard work of our staff over these past years has seen visitor numbers fall to record lows and we have pledged to continue this progress.

Greener Museums
Rural communities that are well served, with a vibrant local museums, and which have new and growing collections. (Unfortunately I'd misunderstood the idea of greener museums and bought industrial quantities of army surplus green paint - any buyers? Anybody?)

Fairer Museums

“My ambition is to deliver continuing reductions in visitors by maintaining the extra police in our museums”
Levels of crime in museums are now at a thirty five year low. However, fear of crime is not falling as quickly as crime levels and so over these next four years I want a particular focus on actions that will not only make you safer, but as importantly will make you feel safer in your local temporary exhibition space.

Smarter Museums
“Museum success will be built on education and the skills of our volunteers.”
My vision is of museums where more and more volunteers are able to fulfil their ambitions and take advantage of new opportunities in their work or in our stores. I want to see a Learning Museum, where volunteers strive to develop new labelling techniques, understand pest control systems and to push the limits of thermohydrographs.

Creative Museums
“Our vision is for museums that nurtures its creative talent and where creativity infuses all aspects of our life and work.”
Museums are blessed with a wealth of creativity and a cultural heritage that makes me proud to be a museum professional. Over the next 5 years, DRUM is determined to build a more vibrant sector with creativity recognised and promoted new support and encouragement to excel in what they do.

Does this all sound wonderful? Of course it does, so sign up as a YES and don't put up with bullying from Westminster and the MA/ACE/AIM etc. and march to the beat of a different DRUM .

The Future Will Be Better Tomorrow

September is a time for resolutions, reflections and lots of other words beginning with 'r'. I have been reflecting since the start of the year on my almost weekly blog on the world of museums (give or take the odd month or relaxing at Her Majesty's pleasure) since I rediscovered the 'lost' first posting outlining my cloudy vision and reposted in 'Ave Atque Vale'.

I set up this blog for a number of reasons:
to question what we understand as heritage through the medium of car parks
to question museum organisational management approaches through the medium of farcical incompetence
to think generally think about museums in new and unreasonable ways
to achieve fame and notoriety by blogging pseudonymously (on reflection I need to have thought that one through a bit more)

After 3 years of tirelessly sacrificing myself in the crucible of 300 words of weekly (should that be weakly) original text, have I been successful? In many ways my blog has been incredibly successful, in other ways a hopeless failure, but undeniably always average. Let us start with the success.

To question what we understand as heritage through the medium of car parks

I can state quite confidently that no other blog in the universe has focused on the heritage of car park art. I have inspired reflection and photographic art submission of car spaces. In other words, success beyond my wildest dreams. I have proved that everything and anything can be of worth if it is looked at unreasonably. My work here is done and there seems little point in continuing the blog. The creation of a museum of car parking spaces seems irrelevant now. I have moved heritage's aesthetic paradigms forward sufficiently to know that, in the fulness of time, the Royal Commission on the Historical Monuments of England (at least once it has been re-separated from English Heritage's populist heritage fascism) will have a car parks division. We must give thanks to the Americans who submitted the car park art. By which I mean celebrating the space for what it is, totally uncontextualised, not for what it might be, not for what it contains or as the starting point for a conceptual flight of fancy. Glorious! Perhaps it is time for me to emigrate and find kindred spirits in the land of the free parking.

Marks out of 10 - 11


To question museum organisational management approaches through the medium of farcical incompetence

My gentle mocking of management theories and practice during the course of this blog seems to have backfired spectacularly as my most popular blog post was 'Five Management Secrets I Learnt from My Cat'. In fact this post was 5X more popular than the next most read one. It was designed as a riposte to all gurus expounding on how to run companies/organisations/life more efficiently and more effectively - such generosity in the face of a no doubt modest management fee. It reached the height of absurdity with a serious article that based management development on a pet dog. He cannot have seriously learnt 'loyalty' in business from an animal. Barking! My more generally failed attempts to write farce based management has given me a a renewed respect for the writers of 'Are You Being Served?' It is difficult. It is much easier to be po-faced and pretentious (and probably attracts a higher fee). So I've decided to give up and join the guru game properly. So in 2014 watch out for my DK published dvd, cd and flip up book 'I Can Talk to the Animals: Anthropomorphic Management for Museums'

Marks out of 10 - 1


To think generally think about museums in new and Charles Handy inspired unreasonable ways

As regular readers will know, one of my heroes is Charles Handy. His 1989 book 'The Age of Unreason' is one of the original 'think outside the box' organisation books. He recognised that new technologies, different ways of working and social change meant that leaders of the future had to think about new business models. He called it discontinuous change. He foresaw the internet, outsourcing, social media etc. etc. The fundamental issue that he realised was that the way we communicate with each other was going to change and organisational structures needed to adapt to survive.

Have museums gone through that change of thinking? We have tried to reach new audiences, become more participatory, interactive and engaging. BUT has the core of what a museum is changed? Have we truly seen a radical new way of thinking about the way we preserve and present the past as Handy encouraged us all those years ago. Have we begun to communicate with each other and our constituents all that differently? I don't think so.

We still need a Museum of Unreason. We need to unthink the museum and rebuild it in the light of public sector cuts, economic downturn, an ageing population, digital natives, the I'm a Strictly X Factor Get Me Out of Here Dancing Academy entertainment generation. We cannot preserve the past if we cannot create a sustainable future for it. We can have all the ethics we like, right up until the point that our collections are put up for auction and our lovely listed building is transformed into a hotel.

Thus my blog in its modest little way has taken a contrary view as to what good management is, what heritage is, what a museum could be. From nonsense to good sense one day perhaps?

Marks out of 10 - 2


To achieve fame and notoriety by blogging pseudonymously

Hmmm.

Although convincing myself that I am some sort of Howard Hughes character sitting on the top floor of my museum constantly washing my hands and cackling loudly gives me some sort of solace.

Marks out of 10 - 11


Conclusion - mixed results.

Enough of looking back, As 2014 begins to wind down I have realised the year actually adds up to the theosophical number '7'. Seven days to create the world, seven colours of the spectrum, seven principles of man, seven major chakras in the human body and seven pints of Theakston's Old Peculier is my limit nowadays (as I discovered on New Year's Eve). I've done 70 blogs, 7 of which were any good and sometimes as many as 7 read my blog each week and I feel 70 years old.

It seems then that the omens are good to retire this blog. I hope you have enjoyed meandering along the byways of the museum world with me and look out for the great car park artists of the future. Who knows, I might regenerate like a certain fictional character and resurface as Emeritus Curator of Parking Lots in Uriah, Alabama.

So in the unfathomable words of Dan Quayle, 'the future will be better tomorrow'


Adieu!

What does your museum role say about you?*

It is readily accepted that, in the museum world, the only people you think are normal are the ones that you don't know very well. But does the role you play in the museum say something about you? The following is based on the staff and volunteers at the Museum of Unreason. Any similarity between them and the rest of the human race is entirely coincidental.

Museum Marketing - Outgoing Alcoholic - you possess a degree and had the reputation of being rarely sober and throwing excellent parties at University. Your general belief is the job requires more of the same. You are ambitious and believe that you can drink your way to the top. Also, you believe that the marketing budget is never big enough and that if you handed over all the cash to the marketing team and employed competent sales employees 'they will come'.

Museum Sales - Paranoid Loner - you don't possess a degree but had the reputation of attending all the same parties at University as the museum marketer before dropping out. You avoid customers like the plague in order to work on the 'strategy'. As a result you have a very low golf handicap and you hate the marketing department for wasting all the museum money.

Museum IT Specialist - Uncontrollable Geek - you have no detectable personal life but are in complete command of everything that happens at the museum. Possibly foreign, or at least in possession of a language degree, because no-one can understand a word you say. You even have acronyms for acronyms. The Chief Executive comes to you for advice and does everything you say.

Museum Accountant - Fearsomely Insane - you talk softly and wield a big spreadsheet; immune to gossip, office politics and disorganisation. You are approached with trepidation and your extreme personal wealth is probably the product supreme income efficiency.

Museum Human Resources - Grim Reaper's Less Pleasant Younger Sibling - you are rarely seen, except when bad news is expected. Your ability to seemingly float along the corridors is often commented upon. Nobody has ever seen your reflection in a mirror and as a consequence you are never invited to the pub, but you know all the gossip - how?

Museum Manager - Spineless Cutthroat - you are in your job for life as you're unemployable elsewhere. You measure success by the number of meetings held and decisions avoided. But, you are still invited to the pub, if only to pay for the drinks.

Visitor Service Officer - Cheery Suicide Risk - you are perpetually torn between having a break down and sleeping with the manager to get a promotion. Your relationship with the public is 'complicated' and you feel undervalued by the senior staff. However, solace is found in excessive shopping and cocktails.

Museum Curator - Insecure with a God Complex - you are the blue riband employee of the organisation. You are the most valuable person in your own mind, but the most expendable in everyone else's. To justify your existence you simply mention 'accreditation' and 'backlog' and retreat to the stores for a week when in reality you actually are running a restaurant on Corfu.

Museum Chief Executive - A Lucky Lucky Bastard - you got to the top because you thought you would, but your inability to use a computer, or know what accreditation is, suggests you are more lucky than brilliant. You have innate good sense to move on before your cock ups are noticed and the museum is forced to close.

Museum Volunteer - The Willingly Unwilling Martyr - you know the museum wouldn't function without you, staff knows the museum doesn't function with you. You know there are useful things you do, the staff know all the things you don't/won't or can't do. You know the staff are ungrateful but you are careful to let the staff know you are doing everything for free and giving up your free time to do this.

*This blog was written sometime ago and following the latest staff review the museum volunteer is now the marketing/sales/visitor services manager, the Chief Executive has 'moved on', the accountant has retired to Worthing, the human resources manager now runs authentic ghost tours in Milton Keynes, the curator hasn't been seen for some months and the IT Specialist was actually found to be a Bulgarian immigrant looking for work who thought the museum was the local YMCA (he now runs a car washing service on the High Road). In the meantime I continue to fulfil my role as museum manager with due diligence and professionalism.

Museum Conference Proposal 2014 - We are here to save the world

As you all may be aware the Museums Association's call for conference papers closed some time ago. Sadly, the latest email to me from that 'auguste' organisation suggested that my conference proposal had been eaten by their office cat. So yet again I am forced to publish it here in spite of the fearsome feline censorship by the 'establishment'.


Cue long delay while cacophonous applause, cheering and impromptu dancing in the aisles dies down

Fellow delegates! We are all involved in some way with the management and interpretation of the past. We carefully protect, preserve, conserve, then present, educate and perhaps even (whisper it quietly) entertain the public with that past. Why? Why bother at all?

As arbiters of the past we are historians; not academic historians in their universities searching for a truth about the past based on the available evidence, but real 'public' historians. A university historian tends to reinvest this intellectual rigour and output within the academy itself. The 'truth' is shared at academic conferences and with history students. It remains in an intellectual bubble occasionally seeping out into the wider world. There is little incentive to interpret the research into an accessible format; a phrase often used is 'dumbing down'.This is why the Arts and Humanities Research Council is increasingly concerned with the 'impact' of research as a measure of output. In other words, enable the truth about the past to escape from the university ghettos and raise awareness to an audience that doesn't necessarily care about history or the past. Major museums can employ and use as consultants some of the great minds of the day to inform their developments. The rest of the museum world is not so fortunate. We can rely on our own limited research, the research of willing volunteers and occasional grants to pay for post doctoral academic input. Yet we play the key role of interpreting the past that historians aren't necessarily trained and/or willing to do.

We, the museums, are the ones delivering 'impact'. Because we deliver the past in a relaxed social environment to the widest audience that no other form does. TV documentaries are 'niche' adult offerings, not family viewing. Costume dramas are not child friendly viewing. 'Horrible Histories' is child friendly but not adult orientated. The only place where a family (and I mean that in a very broad sense) comes together to explore the past is in a museum or heritage site. In other words a museum is the only place where true public history is practised.

That's all well and good, but so what?

Within museums is the power of influence and educate beyond that of TV. We can be hands on, immersive and engaging to a point where we can make the whole general audience truly engage and CARE about the past; and if the general public cares about the past, understands the past and learns from the past then it is more likely to want to preserve that past and make better decisions about the future they want to have.

Museums can no longer rely on the public purse to support them without really trying to justifying their existence. This actually gives museum the opportunity to help preserve and conserve the past through an enhanced engagement process and deliver the social change that has always been the potential of the museum.

If you take the choice theory view that as individuals we become the decisions we make, then a good museum will help society make better decisions and therefore create a better society in the future. In the words of the Museums Association itself - museums change lives. Can the Natural History Museum help us understand climate change? Can  the Stratford Garbage Museum encourage better waste management decisions? Can the Imperial War Museum inspire peace? Can the Amsterdam Sex Museum inspire better family planning decisions? Can the Sulabh International Museum of Toilets send us round the bend? Let's up our game and change the world. So I pledge to you the Museum of Unreason will bring reason to this troubled planet - what can you promise? If we all pull together then the 55,000 museums around the world can achieve anything and help humanity and the planet towards a viable future.

So when you go to bed at night and ask yourself why are you doing this job. Let 'the very survival of the human race' be your answer; I know it is mine.

Cue stunned silence and the beginning of the future of the human race.