More Words of Inspiration

Visitor Services

Rome built a great empire by killing all those who opposed them. Those they could not kill they built a wall to keep them out.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Management

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 

A manager who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Prioritisation

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY

Digitisation

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 

Teamwork

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 

Never under estimate the power of very stupid people in large groups

Time Management

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 

We waste time so you don't have to

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

Interpretation

Plagiarism saves time.

Inspiration

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away

The beatings will continue until morale improves

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break

In the End

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Inspiring the troops for the new Season

March is nearly upon us and thoughts are turning towards the new visitor season. As usual I have been preparing my inspirational speeches to the new staff and volunteers recruited for the summer. I find that plagiarism saves a lot of time. With a few slight adjustments they can be made to work.

e.g. "Friends, staff, volunteers, send me your biscuits" 

I understand academics have a problem with plagiarism, which is why they spend an inordinate amount of time trying to say the same thing in a different way. The difference is they don't have a proper job or troops to manage, in which case plagiarism becomes your friend.

I wonder what you think about the following speech to welcome the season's new volunteers.

"Good Morning. You volunteers now have the privilege of serving under the meanest, toughest, screamingest volunteer coordinator in the Museum sector. ME!
Now, I don't want you to consider me as just your coordinator. I want you to look on me like I was, well - God. If I say something, you pretend it's coming from the burning bush. Now, we're members of the proudest, most elite group of museum volunteers in the history of the world. We are volunteers! Museum volunteers! We have no other function. That is our mission and you are either gonna hack it or pack it. Do you read me?Within thirty days, I am gonna lead the toughest, volunteeringest sons-of-bitches in the world. The Museum of Unreason Volunteer Crew will make history come alive, or it will die trying. Now, you're  with Frank Unreason now, and I kid you not, this is the eye of the storm.Now, a museum is a team - it collects, conserves, interprets, educates as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the newspapers don't know anything more about real museum work than they do about fornicating. Now, we have the finest acid free paper and monitoring equipment, the best spirit, and the best volunteers in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those poor visitors we're goin' to deal with. By God, I do. We're not just gonna welcome the bastards, we're going to kidnap their living hearts with intuitive interactives and home made cream teas. We're going to make those lousy visitors enjoy themselves by the bushel."

I am indebted to Bull Meecham in 'The Great Santini' (1979) for inspiring this speech

Self censorship versus honesty - Warning Explicit!

When I was planning my blog about Philip Larkin and his poem 'This Be the Verse', I spent some time thinking about how I would approach his 'tricky' words. As anyone involved in museum interpretation knows I had to think about my audience, the age of the readers, the likelihood of causing offence etc. Would a warning be needed? Would I go for The Guardian newspaper approach of liberal full spelling honesty, or the faux censorship by removing some of the letters and replacing them with '*' without actually obscuring what the word actually is. In the end I assumed the readers of my blog were basically illiterate and and it didn't matter what was written so I thought f**k 'em and ploughed on regardless. Well not really - my decision was the product of logical thinking.

Why bother obscuring a word without actually obscuring the full offensive violence that it incorporates. It is a cop out. If I wrote 'Donald T***p' rather than 'Donald Trump' does it lessen all the offensive idiocy that that name implies? Not in the slightest. But if I genuinely tried to remove the offensiveness that he embodies I would end up writing  '*o**** **u**' then we are reduced to gibberish. You see it is tricky.

But me being a clever genius sort of person. I asked myself, what would happen if I used '*' to just obscure normal words - what would happen? Here is a small sample below of quotes by famous people given the Museum of Unreason treatment (the actual words are shown at the end of the blog).

1. "Those who dare to f*** miserably can achieve greatly" John F Kennedy

2. "The greatest accomplishment is not in ever f***ing, but in rising again after you f***." Vince Lombardi

3. "Great acts are made up of s**** deeds" Lao Tzu

4. "Only passions, great passions can elevate the s*** to great things" Denis Diderot

5. "I have learned to use the word '**********' with the greatest caution" Wernher Von Braun

6. "All great thoughts are achieved by w**king" Friedrich Nietzsche

7. "Behind every great fortune lies a great c****" Honore de Balzac

The answer is it makes them really filthy - be honest with yourself it does.

What about replacing the word 'fuck' with a less offensive term such as 'enthusiastic sexual intercourse'. That seems to imply a more high minded approach to the subject. So lets apply this to the Philip Larkin himself. What would the opening line of 'This Be the Verse' now look like - it won't scan, but that's not the point I'm trying to  make.

'They indulge in vigorous sexual intercourse with you, your mum and dad'

I really don't think Larkin had incest in mind when he wrote the poem; and yet again trying to move away from the original word makes the meaning even ruder.


So the answer to the self censorship conundrum is now clear. To use the word 'fuck' is a true and honest approach. To use the word 'f**k' is the product of dirty mind making minds even dirtier. To alter the word entirely changes the meaning and will probably land you in gaol.

You can thank me later.


The original words
1. fail
2. falling & fall
3. small
4. soul
5. impossible
6. walking
7. crimes

Very Witty Oscar

It is a little known fact that when Oscar Wilde attended Oxford in 1874 he volunteered at the Ashmolean Museum as a room steward in the Cast Gallery. It was there he met General Pitt Rivers and it was an even lesser known fact that he encouraged him to open a museum with his collection on the basis that it was, 'unspeakable and uneatable'. It took 10 years for Pitt Rivers to be convinced of the basic inedibility of his collection and open the museum. Yet Oscar Wilde was given no credit for all the effort.

In later years when in exile it is thought he yearned for his salad days checking displays for excessive humidity levels with his whirling hygrometer.  His last recorded words were in fact,

 "I could resist everything except condensation."

In the Trinity College archives in Dublin there are early versions of his plays. Lady Windermere's Fan's working title was Lazy Curator's Air Conditioning Unit. Wiser counsel prevailed upon him to change the plot to a case of suspected marital infidelity from an argument between curators over the lux levels on a museum's collection of watercolours.

"We are all in the stores, but some of us are looking more closely at the light levels."

is now more famously remembered as

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." 

In fact many of his famous witticisms had their museological elements removed to appeal to a wider audience. Lord Alfred Douglas 'Bosie' was in fact the Dr. Watson to Wilde's Sherlock Holmes, writing up his activities and 'improving' them for posterity. I know this because I picked up one of his unpublished notebooks in a charity shop in Paris last week and it jots down Oscar Wilde's original words before Bosie got to work on them.

"All museum managers become like their chair of trustees. That is their tragedy. No curator does that is his"

"Accessioning is a serviceable substitute for wit"

"To love one's collection is the beginning of a lifelong friendship"

"No unethical disposal goes unpunished"

"Museums are far too important ever to talk seriously about"

"Only dull people are brilliant at interpretation"

"There is only one thing worse than being a curator, and that is not being a curator"

"A curator's object is his autobiography, an interpreter's panel is his work of fiction"

"Visitor services is simply the name for our attitude towards people we don't like"

"If one cannot enjoy visiting a museum over and over again, there is no use visiting it at all"

"Object labels are rarely pure and never simple"

"The exhibitions that the world calls immoral are exhibitions that show the world its own shame"

"Museums are meant to be loved, not understood"

"Some museum volunteers cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go"

The literary world's gain was the museum world's loss.

Ten Reasons To Visit A Museum

Last week's blog giving you reasons not to visit museums hasn't seen an appreciable drop in visitor numbers to the museums, but and appreciable increase in professional disgruntlement with me. So by way of reasoned balance I thought I would give ten reasons why you should visit a museum. I suppose I shouldn't expect a large increase in visitor numbers as a result. I'm beginning to get the feeling my blog isn't as influential as I thought. Anyway, down to business.

1. Museums are Free! Or at worst a very cheap day out

Do you need a cultural fix? How about La Traviata at the Royal Opera House? That can set you back £200 for a couple of hours being shrieked at by a big boned woman dressed in a tent. What about something more downmarket? How about the latest Star Wars film in 3D. That is a much more comfortable at £14.50 to see how Harrison Ford's arthritis is getting on for a couple of hours.  NO! Pop up the road to the British Museum to see the greatest collection of art and artefacts that human ingenuity has ever created. All for free. Yes there are some objects even older than Harrison Ford, or even bigger than your average soprano. Even better - your experience is not time limited, you can spend all day there and go back the next day and the day after that. In what other universe can you get the best of something for free? Go now before the British Museum has to hand it all back.

Alas some museums are forced to charge nowadays. Yet they are still incredibly cheap. Even the National Trust properties are cheaper than a west end cinema ticket, the visits last 4 times longer and you'll probably leave smelling of lavender.

Value for money? Abso-bloody-lutely! Visit now before museums get wise and actually charge what they are actually worth. 

2. You can talk in Museums

Unlike me you probably go to the movies, or the opera, or the theatre in a social group. But what can you do in a museum that you can't in La Traviata or Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Need a clue? Talk, socialise and otherwise interact with your fellow human beings. Try clearing your throat during a classical concert let alone debate how inspired Mozart's basso continuo is in the recitative. In the first instance your companion will shift slightly uncomfortably in the second he/she will be calling for you to be thrown out. Now go to the Tate Modern and see Alexander Calder's performing sculpture (on until 3rd April 2016) and now discuss your thoughts as to how his work reveals by what means motion, performance and theatricality underpinned his artistic vision. Your companion will nod appreciatively, say it more loudly and large numbers of Japanese tourists will start following you. The point is, a museum is a social space, a place for debate, a place for normal human beings to interact and enjoy one another's company (I naturally exclude Historic England's horrid audio tours of their archaeological sites from this) in a safe environment. Visit a museum this weekend and reinforce your social network.

3. Museums make you happy

An experience = a memory. Being lost on the Yorkshire Moors in the fog and freezing rain is a bad memory I try to forget. Standing in front of the Antioch Chalice in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York is an experience I will never want to forget. It is a memory for life. That memory will be an eternal pleasure. We also treasure accomplishments, they give us deeper personal meaning. Objects interpreted in museums challenge our ideas of beauty, culture and life. They can affirm and reaffirm and add to a meaningful sense of our identity. 

All of this can be had for less than the price of a three pack of pants from Marks and Spencer, and my pants add significantly less meaning to my life. 

I'm even smiling now at the memory (of the chalice not my pants). Do that exercise now and I guarantee you will smile. Visit a museum this weekend and give yourself more reasons to smile.

4. Museums are the memories of society

When the Egyptians learned to communicate through writing, they chose hieroglyphs That knowledge was lost for 1000 years and even nowadays only professional Egyptologists have a working knowledge of the language. Yet even the youngest school child can access Egyptian culture through the objects. Writing has limited access, objects have a universal language made accessible through museums. Museums are not archives and they are not books. Museums objects are the portals into other worlds, other cultures or even our own past. Thematic museums are the time machines to greater knowledge and understanding of history and of society. No previous education needed. That is why, unlike any other medium, museums are the most crucial of our cultural institutions. Without museums society will be infected with cultural Alzheimers. Visit your local museum now and ease the strain on the NHS.

5. Museums are a key part of Britain's rich heritage

If you live in a city you will be very close to a museum, and probably around the corner from an ancient monument, next door to a listed building and you may even allow your dog to poop in a registered park or garden. If you live in a town or village you will probably be in a conservation area and near a heritage centre, picnic area or preserved Mark 4 telephone box.  If you live in a rural area you might already be trespassing on National Trust land. You'll certainly be near a National Park, a Site of Special Scientific Interest, a cycle route and a public footpath. Your local railway line is probably steam powered. All these riches have been preserved to make the country we live in a uniquely rich historic environment. In other words, all this makes Britain a better place to live. Because we have so much heritage it is easy to let things go in piecemeal fashion. This is the fate of museums at the moment. Yet they provide the key storage and interpretation of humanity's material culture that cannot be kept elsewhere. It is done locally, regionally and nationally. Have I mentioned most of them are free? So visit a museum and keep Britain being Britain.

6. Museums make money for the economy 

L ets get down to brass tacks and talk in terms that politicians can understand. What is the point of culture? More specifically what is the point of heritage? Why should it be supported through taxation? How about: £26.4bn contribution to the economy (2011 figures)' that is £6bn more than sport does and accounts for 2% of GDP (agriculture is only 1%). It should be noted that curators are paid significantly less than premiership footballers (I would be very happy if this error was rectified). Over 393,000 jobs are directly created and a total of 69 million day visits are made to heritage sites with 62p of every £1 spent going into the local economy. So visit a museum today and keep me in a job. Also petition your local councillor if they are threatening to close your museum. The cost to the economy and the community will be dearer than the savings made.

7. Museums are fun

Whisper it quietly but go to your local museum and you might be in danger of having fun. That fun is multilayered. There can be tranquil spaces for rest and contemplation from the hustle and bustle of the Twenty First Century.  Next door there may be loud spaces full of noise and laughter and creativity. Interactive spaces for family learning. A cafe for discussion and reflection. An increasing choice of interpretive tools are now at your disposal. You can take photos, selfies might even be encouraged. Your opinion will be valued. If you haven't visited since you were a schoolchild 40 years ago you will be shocked that museums 'ain't what they used to be'.

8. Museums enrich your knowledge

Do you want to make more of a contribution to your pub quiz team? Visit a museum. Studies show that longer term recall of a learning experience happens in a museum. Longer than any other method of consumption. Its the unique experience, the kinaesthetic interaction with people and objects, the dramatic location all mean the learning is more deeply embedded in your brain. Add the learning to the pleasant memories that you will have and not only will you become your pub quiz team star, you'll have a smile on your face when doing it.

9. There is a museum for every subject and every taste

I have blogged before about the breadth of museums that populate our small planet. If you have an interest in pens and pencils you will be spoilt for choice. Baked beans, toilet seats, dog collars, soil - you name it there is a museum with your name on it. If you are interested in sex you can get as much museum action as you want (and reasonably priced too). If you like fast cars, slow cars, buses, trains, trams, traction engines, fire engines, ambulances, police cars, tractors, bicycles, or carriages you don't have to travel far. Name an industry and there will be a museum for it. Think of a famous person and you'll find a museum. Think of a range of fictional people and you'll find a museum for them. Just go to platform 9 3/4 at Kings Cross for the train to 221B Baker Street. If you have an interest in anything there will be someone out there in the world waiting for you to visit and join them. Visit your museum this weekend and begin volunteering with like minded people.

10. Museums host great events

If you cannot escape the shackles of weekend retail therapy, then there will be an alternative available to you at a museum. Weekends would never be the same without antique fairs, classic car shows, historical re-enactments, nature trails, Easter egg hunts, teddy bear picnics, craft events, open air theatre, war weekends, sleepovers, behind the scenes tours, beer festivals, cinema nights, Christmas markets etc. etc. The list is as endless as the imagination of museum staff and volunteers. An astounding level of commitment and creativity is going on across the nation on a weekly basis. Meadowhall, Lakeside, Bluewater pah! A cheaper and more fun time is to be had at your local museum - remember reason number 1? You will have an experience you won't forget and you'll still have some money left to feed your children.

So there it is, some compelling reasons why museums are good for you, regardless of whether you visit or not. But even better for you if you do visit. So make the effort and go along this weekend and regularly thereafter. Your life will change for the better, society will be happier and you will have helped guarantee the existence of an important cultural institution for a little bit longer.

Happy visiting!

10 Reasons NOT To Visit A Museum

1. Free entry to museums makes you feel sad

The Government (and opposition) have been at pains to highlight their commitment to free entry to national museums. However, a survey conducted by Harris Interactive finds that people are happier when they spend money on experiences. This research, to my mind, erroneously compares the spend on experiences relative to material purchases thereby completely missing the point. Museums in recent years have been at pains to give visitors an 'experience' at the same time missing out on the other key factor in the visitors' psychology - an entrance fee. A payment creates the expectation of quality. Free entry creates an expectation equivalent to a free toy in a cereal packet - briefly interesting but ultimately pointless. Thus a visitor leaving the museum with a memory of pointlessness begins the long journey through existential angst towards depression and a miserable death. Museums! Make society really happy - overcharge.

2. Museums make you less intelligent

One of the definitions of a museum is its mission to educate. Schools are heavily dependent on museums to support 'lazy and overpaid teachers'* to deliver on the National Curriculum.  For example, how many museums are now jumping on the 'British Values' bandwagon?  Thus the modern concentration on interpretation for spotty self-obsessed thirteen year olds, or strange smelling feral eight year olds is self defeating. After the 'well good' experience at the museum the interested parent may ask the child about it the inevitable response is 'Uh?'. For modern children, long term recall can be measured in terms a goldfish would understand.  For the rest of us (adults) trying to visit it is becoming nearly impossible to experience an exhibition and gain any information or insight amongst the hordes of hormones and sticky fingers other than, 'Oliver Cromwell? Ugh - warty dude innit!'.

3. Museums are an ineffective way of learning

You want to know about something? Do not force your miserable family into the car, spend a fortune on petrol, succumb to the inevitable demand for sweets, listen to incessant cries of 'are we there yet?' and 'can't we go to Alton Towers?', be unable to find somewhere to park, then pay a fortune for it before you even get to the museum. Eventually you find the museum only to discover all the information it has about the Romans consists of a 100 word text panel, a broken interactive, an unconvincingly dressed tailor's dummy and 5 bits of broken pottery.

Do you really want to learn about something? Read a book! I'm sorry I forgot, libraries no longer exist and book shops are going the way of the dodo, so log on to wikipedia instead! 

4. Museums are cult forming

Museums are no longer about collections of artefacts; they now allow you to give your opinion, enable you to meet strangers, have 'experiences', they encourage discussion and personal reflection as a part of your journey towards entry into the museum's 'community'. If I want to do that I'll join the Moonies. If I want to go to yoga, I'll go to the gym. If I want have an art class I'll go to the local community college. I go to a museum to see things - unfortunately nowadays that will be because the local magic mushroom festival is going on in the main exhibition hall. All this is being done because they want you and all your worldly goods? Cultish activity? You bet. We do not want to get to a situation where parents are forced into a desperate bid to rescue their daughter from the clutches of the local history museum, but that is the inevitable conclusion for all this 'community' activity.

5. Museums dishearten

Apparently museums are places of inspiration and the personal memories created are for life. These are regarded as positive traits. But if the inspiration created is to never visit a museum again, or equate the visit to another memory you will never forget (such as a car crash, your divorce, or the death of a pet - take your pick) then it may not be quite so good. However if they do this then it will leave the spaces free for those of us who still want to see objects.

6. There are a lot better places to go for social interaction

Research shows that social engagement is more about location than activity. Museums delude themselves into believing their building is an inspiring social space. But what personal memories will be created by a leaking roof, peeling interpretation panels, empty display cases with yellowing cards which read, 'this object has been temporarily removed for conservation' and is dated 1st April 1974. Would you like to meet in a place like this? Or a swanky hotel? Or a cosy tearoom? Or at least somewhere where you can get a decent cup of coffee. Nowadays you can get a really good cup of coffee at a petrol station. Museum managers need to ask themselves whether they are doing a good job if potential visitors would rather meet in a motorway service station than their museum. 

7. Museums are a place of torture for family and friends

What shall we do with Aunty Nellie? She always comes to visit this time of year. The kids hate her and she is always criticising your cooking. How can we get our own back? I know - take her to our local museum and point out all stuff in it that she still has in her house. Do you want to break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend? I know - take him/her to your local museum and pretend to really enjoy it.

Key tips for really effective torture

1. read everything

2. talk to the room steward and ask them to tell them everything they know about a particular object

3. continually ask if its alright to take photos

4. near the end mention that you think you've missed something in the first gallery that you really want to see

5. insist on buying them the gimmicky pencil and rubber set in the shop

You have been warned. If a relative suggests you visit the local museum on your next visit -don't do it.

8. Museums lack ethics

The recent MA warning about the ethics of sponsorship is timely. Companies realise that association with a museum can get them some good PR. Sadly it is only the dodgy companies that need PR (BP for instance). Even sadder, if a company approaches a museum for sponsorship a museum will probably accept it because when there is a conflict between money and ethics, money wins every time.  Avoid any of the following museums

Customer Care sponsored by Ryanair

Entrance tariffs sponsored by NPower 

WiFi sponsored by Talk Talk

Shop sponsored by TkMaxx

Exhibitions sponsored by Poundland

Need I go on?

9. Museums are only interested in your money

I've covered the psychology of free admission earlier. But the further problem is that there is no such thing as a free lunch. They will fleece you the moment you walk through the door (earlier if they can charge you for parking). Firstly you will be accosted by the least charming volunteer (probably a relative of the Kray twins) who will 'suggest' a donation, the guidebook will be extra, the kids trail will be extra, the audio tour will require a deposit (and possibly a sample of blood). They will take a photo of you and 'suggest' you buy it. The temporary exhibition will not be free. The Dr. Who Dinosaur flight simulator in the ethnographic gallery will be eye-wateringly expensive. Exhausted and impoverished you will inevitably exit through the gift shop where  our children will remove the last of your cash and the twin brother of the 'donation' volunteer will promote a membership card so you can be fleeced on a regular basis. 

10. There is always a museum near you - aargh! Run

There are about 2,500 museums in the UK, not including various private collections, heritage centres, private homes, castles, church collections etc. etc. etc. All this means you are never more than 18 feet from a museum. To put that into perspective, statistically in any urban area you are likely to be164 feet from a rat. That means you are nine times more likely to be closer to a museum than a rat. Rats are vermin and need to be wiped out. Well, museums are even more of a problem and the population needs to be controlled. Fortunately for us the British Government is taking practical steps to reduce the museum numbers, starting with the more dangerous ones up north. 

*Trade Mark: British Government (att. Michael Gove) 2013 

Bonkers Conspiracy Theories

Museum staff feel so downtrodden nowadays that they sometimes think there is a conspiracy against them. However, as repositories and purveyors of truth we know that we can have no time for such nonsense. So in order cheer up museum staff and volunteers, I thought I would document and analyse conspiracy theories that WON'T forming part of a museum exhibition near you anytime soon.


President Obama is an Alien

Can we believe it - yes we can!

Apparently President Obama isn't popular with some of his constituency. We have known for sometime that he is a Kenyan Muslim who killed his grandmother to cover it up who is out to tax you out of existence, take your guns, your jobs and swamp you in illegal immigrants. Ho hum, so far so run of the mill for a leader in a democratic country that thinks creationism is science and and that Fox News is a reputable journalistic organisation.

But this all makes sense when you realise he is an alien. Why are the circumstances of his birth so difficult to pin down? Why does the way he tilts his head remind you of a lizard? And the way he speaks - does any human speak that way normally? Why does he want so much power over his citizens. Obamacare is just his way of trying to keep the population healthy in order to farm their organs for his nefarious alien purposes. Rumours that he has ordered 200 copies of Erich Von Daniken's Chariots of the Gods for his Presidential Library are true!

As the theory develops monitor it all on www.obamaisanalien.com

I just hope the Roswell UFO Museum won't video his autopsy when his spirit is transported back to planet OBAM.

Fortunately we will be getting the much more human Donald Trump as the leader of the free world this year.



Dinosaurs Built the Pyramids

This thesis depends on taking the Christian view that dinosaurs and humans existed at the same time.
Accept that, then it becomes obvious that they would put them to use to help build the pyramids.
Think of the Flintstones and you won't go far wrong (I didn't realise The Flintstones cartoon was fundamentalist Christian propaganda either).

Now we all know the planet is only 6000 years old (although I suspect I have clothes in my wardrobe that are older) and that the book of Isaiah does mention dragons*, which means 'How to Train Your Dragon' is another documentary. Just think of the eggs for breakfast!

This dinosaur theory comes out of the Accelerated Christian Academy in Malta. This august body sounds like a place of great educational excitement. Slightly disappointingly this theory isn't actually taught as fact, but is only the personal view of Vince Fenech, the director of the Academy. But he does have proof the world was created in 40004B.C. It's good to know young minds are in safe hands.

Should you send your children there?

Yabba Dabba Don't!



The Moon Doesn't Exist

Now we all know that the moon landings were faked, and we now know they must have been faked because the moon itself doesn't exist according to this theory. The moon is in fact a hologram. The truth is available to us all on You Tube (that well known peer reviewed digital science journal).

I've linked to one of the videos that shows the convincing evidence

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3axPn65MGM

The difference is that this conspiracy theorist believes the moon exists, but is being covered by a hologram to hide the construction work that is going on there. He is clearly an idiot, of course the moon doesn't exist, because it sometimes disappears (for maintenance? Changing the bulb?) then reappears gradually.

Scientifically there are obvious reasons why the moon isn't real. For example how can such a large and heavy piece of cheese be trapped in the Earth's gravitational pull without coming crashing down, melting as it enters the atmosphere and turning the Earth into a large ball of fondue?




Where Did The Time Go?

We've all had that feeling.

However, what you didn't know is that we've actually lost 300 years. Apparently the years 641 to 911 never happened. It was first realised by a splendidly named Heribert Illig a German historian. It occurred when we changed from the Julian calendar (in use from 45BC) to the Gregorian one in 1582. The Gregorian calendar was designed to correct for a ten-day discrepancy caused by the fact that the Julian year was 10.8 minutes too long. But the 1,627 years which had passed since the Julian calendar started should have accrued a thirteen-day discrepancy… a ten-day error would have only taken 1,257 years. Those three days equates to about 300 years.

The reason for this was a conspiracy between the Holy Roman Emperor, Otto III and Pope Sylvester II. They manipulated the calendar so that they could rule in the year epochal year of 1,000. It seems like a lot of effort for little return. However, it would be obvious that the missing years would be known as the Dark Ages (it also sounds like good subject for a Dr. Who episode). That is why there is little surviving evidence from the period and apparently what there is is actually forged - Charlemagne and the Prophet Mohammed never existed.

Boring individuals might suggest he got his sums wrong as the calendars were synchronised from the date of the Council of Nicaea in 325AD. What nonsense!

I'm convinced and I now know why is there no archaeological evidence of the wiping out of the Briton population.  So I will be removing our Anglo-Saxon display - and replacing our 1066 diorama so that William the Conquerer defeats the Romans.







* "Was it not You who cut Rahab in pieces, Who pierced the dragon?" Isaiah 51:9