N.e.w. Y.e.a.r. Wishes

Unexpected seasonal wishes to you all.

Having thought I'd done my last blog, the Mayans failed to deliver on their promise to clear my accessioning backlog. In the end I spent the 'end of the world' in a disused warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow (there must have been a mixup with my girlfriend's address), and as the skies darkened and an arctic cold began to pierce my soul the churlish police official who found me explained that this is quite normal for this time of year in Russia. He then promptly deported me for trying to smuggle excessive quantities of Aspirins into the country.

I returned to discover the staff had done a blog on my behalf and it was hilarious, what whacky japesters they are.  I might let them do it again someday. I must now do a proper blog on what the staff really want - although I do plan to have a tanning bed installed in my office in the meantime.

I haven't actually planned any blogs for 2013, but whilst I was becoming a little too intimate with The UK Border Agency (UKBA) staff, I began to reflect on the proliferation of boring acronyms. The world is full of them and the museum sector is no exception.

So my first wish for 2013 is for more entertaining UK museum sector acronyms.

Let's start with our new overseers Arts Council England (ACE). They need to reflect the reality that they are now also responsible for museums and libraries. I suggest the Museums and Libraries Arts Council England (MALICE). What sort of damage could you do with major MALICE funding?

What about the Association of Independent Museums (AIM). Given that there are a lot of small organisations supporting our independent sector, they should be more forthright and claim that they are the MAIN association supporting independent museums and become MAIM.  Could you maim with malice?

Our professional body the Museums Association (MA) could turn a few heads if it became the ANIMAL barking and biting the authorities on our behalf (Association for National and Independent Museums and Libraries). Local authority museums may feel short changed by this, but if the ANIMAL was affiliated to the LLAMA (Large Local Authority Museums Association) incorporating a  SLUG (Small Local Underfunded Group) then we have a pressure group that has to be taken seriously (or put in a Zoo).

So here's to a happy New Exciting Working Year for Everyone Anywhere,  Really!

Leadersheep - the sheep bleat back

In light of the Mayan prophesy predicting the end of the world last night, Mr. Unreasoning has taken some leave to spend his last moments on earth with his Russian girlfriend (having thoughtfully taken a packet of aspirins for her sick grandmother).  His cryptic note left on the reception desk read, 'goodbye and don't look in the skip' has enabled us to find the missing accessioning backlog.

Assuming that he will now return our idea is to give him a Christmas present that may make our life more bearable in 2013 and use this blog to do that.  It hasn't taken us long to crack his password, given that his idea of security is to leave the light on when we're closed. If you want to add to the blog yourselves the password was written on a Post It note stuck to the front of his computer called SHOPPING LIST.

So here it is - a good leader's top 10

1. A thank you

As Alex Ferguson has just told the Harvard Business School,

"For a player – and for any human being – there is nothing better than hearing ‘well done’. Those are the two best words ever invented in sport.”

This applies to anyone from millionaire sportsmen to millionaire museum staff and all millionaires in between.

2. Direction

Don't tell us what to do - we know that. Tell us why we're doing it. How does our small contribution fits into the overall picture. It would really help if this direction was a clear vision - or in our case any vision at all would help.

3. Help us change

If you want us to do something new, tell us why - if we can see it will improve things then we'll buy into it

If you want us to do something new, how about some training and support? 

If you want us to do something new, give us time to get use to it.

If you want us to do something new, don't give up on us if we still don't get it and go back to the old ways - that really pisses us off.

If you want us to do something new, complete the first change before you start the next one.

4. Prioritise

Do it now! That's fine if it is a single important job - not if its everything you do. Give us the priorities we'll work out the timescales and resources.

5. Fun

We work in a life affirming sector dealing with visitors who are enjoying cultural social activities. Why not have fun doing it? When was the last time 'fun' was part of management thinking? Surprise surprise happy staff are more productive staff, are less ill and give a much more positive impression to customers. The 'happy museum' should not just be a nice idea but a core value, yet so often management sucks the life out of our work.

6. Support us to become a team

This may be a shock to management, but we all are trying our best for the benefit of the organisation - we might do it differently, we might do it at different speeds, we might do it in a different order (see 4) - but we are doing it. Recognise that, and work with us to blend our strengths into a real team. You could start by remembering our names.

7. Be part of the team

Do you ask us to do unpaid overtime? Do you ask us to work late regularly? Do you refuse leave at busy times of the year? Do you do the same? When reception is overrun with 5 year old school children  - where are you? When there is an angry customer - where are you? When it's your round at the bar - where are you? If you are with us then we are with you.

8. Admit your mistakes

You are our leader, but you are not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. If you do so, then admit it say sorry and we move on having learned our lessons. It applies to all human activity, a museum manager is not exempt. Mistakes are allowable, but not repeatable. If a manager does not admit to them then he/she is bound to repeat them.

9. Stay calm

We need a cool head in times of crisis. Stay calm, analyse the situation and then be decisive. Do not shout and look for people to blame - you are just making the situation worse. We all make mistakes (see 8). 

Finally

10. Install a tanning bed

We started with Alex Ferguson and so we shall end with him. To cope with the lack of vitamin D for those living in northern climes he has installed two tanning beds at the Manchester United training ground. Given our position just north/south of Yorkshire, it would shout volumes for staff care if our curator could pop himself on a tanning bed for 10 minutes after a hard day's accessioning. 

And thus sheep might turn into lions

A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all managers and leaders for an enlightened 2013

Ideal Christmas presents for museum staff

As a museum director you probably used to be above sending gifts to staff. Unfortunately due to the spate of redundancies you now have half the staff you had at the beginning of the year. As a result, may I suggest, there will be morale issues to address. You've already given yourself a pay rise to compensate for the stress of making people redundant (at least I have). What better than a thoughtful gift from you to show you care. But if like me you struggle to remember the names of the people who work for you and rely on 'Oi you there!' as a standard form of address to underlings, you need to admit you need help.

Never fear help is here. Specialist gifts for 'special' people

1. The Curator
An increasingly rare beast, a shadowy figure seen furtively blinking in natural light. I must admit I haven't seen mine in years. We leave food outside the door to the stores and it disappears so he is still alive. We had Kate Humble in for a pilot for a new programme 'Curatorwatch' but she failed to confirm a sighting of him let alone catch him mating. I understand that is the real reason she has resigned from the BBC.

So what to buy him? With green issues and sustainability in mind how about this? It is practical and symbolic of the regard I have for him. It'll help keep the stores clean as well.

2. Outreach Officer
An increasingly rare beast, a shadowy figure rarely seen outside of the pub. I must admit I haven't seen mine in years. She seems determined to save the planet from behind a large gin and tonic. She seems to have taken to claiming her increasing collection of tattoos on expenses as well. Her latest one is designed like a necklace with the words 'smile if you hate the boss' which seems to have helped morale. I've had 'laugh if you hate the staff' tattooed on my left buttock - it doesn't seem to have had the same effect.

So what to buy her? How about an edible can of endangered species? She can challenge her phobias whilst chewing on her ethics - perfect.

3. Visitor Services Officer
An increasingly flustered beast, rarely seen smiling at visitors. Her visitor 'focus' usually involves glaring at the foolish public who dare to cross the threshold until they go away thus performing a valuable service to the protection of our collections. What can you get such an outgoing and friendly individual? How about a nice pair of earrings?

4. Cleaner
An increasingly angry beast rarely seen cleaning. Although responsible for putting up the latest exhibition and delivering the learning associated with it, she could at least have mopped the floors while doing it. Is that too much to ask? Buy her something that gives her a sense of self worth. Nothing says that more than a pug t-shirt.

4. Museum Cat
An increasingly rare beast, a shadowy figure rarely seen when its not feeding time. How about making it not just rare but mythical with an inflatable unicorn horn? I see a new TV programme 'Mythwatch' in the new year.

Thus Christmas is celebrated, the team is bonded, staff morale and self worth suitably challenged. Somehow I feel another personal pay rise coming on.

Leadersheep in Museums

My thoughts this week have been turned towards leadership. The museum sector is constantly trying to develop leaders. Why is that? Do we lack the right stuff? Is it proof that leaders are born and as such aren't naturally drawn to looking after old things? 

Who is the greatest leader living today? Arguably it's Nelson Mandela. Can you imagine Nelson Mandela as the most charismatic outreach officer in the history of the Iziki Museums of South Africa? It's a nice thought, but could he have applied himself to museums? Alas during his trial in 1964 he failed to say the following.

"During my lifetime I have dedicated myself to this struggle for museum visitors. I have fought against middle class visitor domination, and I have fought against community group domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free museum in which all persons visit together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die."

So is the first lesson in leadership to be prepared to die for your museum? By this measure I am not a true leader, although I am prepared to sacrifice my staff and put them on trial. Realistically a man as great as Mandela should be saving a nation and not saving a museum - but isn't that my point?

How about something a little less political? Is the modern day curator a St. Francis of Assisi? Zookeepers obviously are I suppose, but what about the rest of us? As a justification of our trade in 1220 St. Francis failed to say,

"My little visitors much bounden are ye unto your Curator, and always in every place ought ye to praise him, moreover he preserved your objects in the museum, that your history might not perish out of the world; wherefore your Curator loveth you much, seeing that he hath bestowed on you a lovely label; and therefore, my little visitors, beware of the sin of ingratitude, and study always to give praises unto the museum."

That seems much more familiar and comforting, much more befitting of our status.

So what have we learned so far?

Great leaders sort out national problems while we think we are all St. Francis and treat visitors like ungrateful sheep - is that leadersheep?

Now I can see why we spend so much on leadership development.

From St. Francis to Mandela in a two hour PowerPoint session? If there's one sector that believes it can do it - we can! In the words of Winston Churchill,

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and ongoing leadership training."

Manifesto for Museums in the 21st Century: participation, participation, participation

What are the three most the important factors in selling your house? Location, location location.
What were the three most important policies of the Tony Blair New Labour administration? Education, education, education.
When visiting Scotland for a holiday what are the three things you most remember? Precipitation, precipitation, precipitation.

Given that we are all thinking about the future of museums and the MA may claim to have 20:20 vision in this respect. The Museum of Unreason Manifesto defines what are actually the three most important things for museums in the 21st century.They are: participation, participation, participation.

BUT, and I believe this is where our profession has gone badly wrong, not participation in the way we have seen it applied recently. We took a wrong turn at the turn of the century when there was a 'Renaissance'. We subsequently wasted £200m on museum access projects for the great unwashed to try and make ourselves relevant. How much more money do we need to spend before we realise that at the end of the first decade its just the same deluded people who continue to visit us. I would compare Renaissance approach to the 'war on drugs' an un-winnable waste of money. The big mistake was to give us the money. We should have given it to non-users to spend on museums.   What a different museum sector that would have given us by 2012. Can we still achieve this in a post Renaissance world?

Given that we are still proudly irrelevant and elitist, happily sacking education staff rather than curators. Money is not coming to us (except to the 'excellent' few) and will never do so again. What is now the prime responsibility of a museum manager? To have fun and engage with non-professionals to create an environment of enjoyable learning that is relevant to modern society? No no no - our prime duty now is to preserve the past, ignore the present and forget about the future.

The constant cry of 'put more collections on show' is wrong. Put less collections on show. 90% of collections are in store being carefully preserved, it should be 100%. Objects should only be brought out upon request (in triplicate) by people who can prove that they will appreciate, understand and learn from them. Most people don't know about them, don't care about them and, if given the chance, will break them.

Access policies? Ban them. Disposal policies? Ban them. Collect, collect, collect. If its old put it in store. Industrial decline = empty warehouses = new museum stores.

You may be asking, what has that to do with participation?

By following this simple strategic approach, museums will empty themselves of 'professionals' and the lifeless clutter of objects. Instead we will create real 'warehouses of the past' lovingly cared for by professional curators in perpetuity. The money saved will then be given to non-users who can then use the empty museums for all the fun and uneducated activity that they want. At a stroke the past is much better preserved and museums become instantly relevant to 21st century society.

Participation, participation, participation? Be true to the idea!

MA Conference (T)wittering Awards

In my attempts to let the world understand the true voice of unreason I use Twitter as my main method of communication. In the old days I suppose I would have been found ranting on street corners and being quietly moved on by the local constabulary. Now I am a respected sage in 140 characters or less.

The time to step up to the plate and bear my tweeting teeth came at the MA Conference 2012. I vowed to tweet as much as my RSI would let me. However I quickly realised I would be up against true professionals - could a yokel from somewhere south/north of Yorkshire mix it with top twitterators?

To begin with I noticed many tweets were quotes from sessions with an added 2 or 3 words of analysis  - if you were lucky. The brief for speakers at next year's conference should be to keep sentences to 100 characters or less to help us tweeters. The problem is that this instruction may reduce the clarity of the message by making speakers' sentences a bit too sh

In the end I only managed 20 tweets, a meagre 10 a day. Let's put this into context. I met my new tweeting hero @MarDixon and she had tweeted 4,123,345 times before lunch on the first day with insight, engagement and above all enthusiasm. I was truly humbled. Her best tweets? Perhaps these two as part of a conversation with MannyC?

MarDixon,"Audience are embracing weird and wonderful - why aren't museum people / museums?"
mannyc,"@MarDixon embracing and encouraging a culture of change can be a long, hard process. Not an excuse to avoid it though..."
MarDixon, "@mannyc Culture change should come from within an I haven't seen much change there. The public has changed & is bored waiting."

Biting, perceptive and a too rare perspective from outside of the museum world.

Anyway, having gone through the #museums2012 and not slept for 10 days I have now come up with my own
                                              Museum of Unreason Tweeting Awards                                
* Note I have edited the hashtags out of all the tweets in the interest of sanity

Best suggestion?
Lynz_M_Anderson, "Philanthropy session: Museum Staff should ALL donate to their museums... "
I'll be using that little morale booster at my next team meeting.

Best food for thought?
ee_ve, "Engaging session on conflict in museums. Is it ok to display conflict but not ok to have internal conflicts?"
I think I've got it the wrong way round in my museum.

Best reason to work?
Sharonheal, "Emma Varnam in cultural rights session; why do we go to work in a morning? It's all about social justice."

Best reason not to work?
RachelCockett, "If you work in an organisation for more two years you are complicit. Can you live with it?"
Well to be honest - yes

Best food reference?
AustenJocelyn, "Keith Nichol: 'The UK spends more on cheese than charity.' Love cheese, but a sad statement."
As a cheese based life-form I might be partly responsible for this

Most honest tweet?
museumsrepublic, "Worryingly in the last session I put my hand up by mistake and then saw a microphone coming towards me.."

Most Medieval?
Acuity_Design,"They spent years meticulously making beautiful copies to put on shelves." "Monks?" "No, museums."

Most Excluded?
leehutchinson, "My BlackBerry died (seemingly self-destructed). Consequently, I felt marginalised at MA conference as a non-smartphone user."

The Museum of Unreason Holy Moley award
TamsinRussell, "I loved the Jar. of Moles!"
Great use of a full stop for effect

My best tweet? It gets the 'reducing social media to school playground competitiveness' award

MuseumU, "last tweet 13 seconds can anyone beat that?"


If anyone would like to share their favourite tweets from the conference, or come up with their own awards, I'd be happy to hear from you.
Perhaps together we can put pressure on the MA to come up with some official awards of their own at the next conference.

Museums Association Conference 2012 - The Keyhole Speeches (more career ending thoughts)

As I slowly defrost in the temperate climes south of Yorkshire it's time to reflect on my two days in Edinburgh. A frantic round of coffee drinking, luncheoning, avoiding people you owe money to and having an occasional sit down while somebody on a stage said something they assumed I might be interested in.

As the comfiest seats were in the main hall I was occasionally woken by hordes of museum types wanted to listen to keyhole speeches. It made a change as last year I was perpetually late for the speeches, this year I was perpetually woken up by them.

First up was Fiona Hyslop who seemed to be Minister for Scottishness. I have never heard such sentimental twaddle in all my life as she pulled out cliche after cliche about Scottish identity. You'd never find us bulldog Englishmen getting so worked up about our green and pleasant land of cricket on the village green.....hmm perhaps we are alike after all.

Next up.. a lawyer (better be a bit careful here) Aamer Anwar. This is going to be controversial. Phew! He gives a nice little talk on 'museums I have visited with my kids that I like 'cos I'm a social justice lawyer'. I look forward to a miner's reflection on pit museums he's visited at next year's conference in Wales.

Woken from my slumber (is it Friday already?) by.. Basil Fawlty? I thought it was meant to be Martin Roth. Is this a new strategy for national museums? Will the V&A be renamed the Sybil & Manuel Museum and become the S&M? Hmm...perhaps not. My reverie led me to hoping that Captain Mainwaring will be taking over the Imperial War Museum and Alf Garnet would be an ideal candidate for the British Museum.... then the talk was over, I assume he didn't mention the war, or that he did once but got away with it.

One more to go -  Mark O'Neill (Director of Policy and Research at Glasgow Life) argued that we are too professional. I've suspected that all along. That's why my amateurish museum is ahead of its time.  He stridently argued that everyone needs access to the core collections. Having left Big Baz (see previous blog) in charge  of the museum whilst in Edinburgh - he seems to have fully accessed the coin collection.

Time to go home, but wait who is this? Donald Smith - a storyteller? It can't be a keyhole speech because its a brilliantly informative and entertaining summary of the conference. What a waste of 2 days! All I needed to do was pop in for an hour at the end (make mental note to self for next year).

This year was certainly the digital year - so next week I'll reflect on 2012 - the Twitter Conference

Corrected Correction Corrected

A short but blunt 'phone call from the Editor of 'Inuits Today' magazine about this morning's blog A Corrected Correction was somewhat negative. Upon re-re-re-reading the blog I realise that even more grammatical errors on my very new intern's part may have led her that conclusion. I have therefore sacked her (recently recruited from the Antarctic Bugle) and replaced her at short notice with my new intern (who asked me to buy his Big Issue on the way to work this morning) to correct the corrected corrections as follows:

1.  "I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between the Arctic and civilisation i.e. anywhere warm. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly good at its main (only) job as I am never assaulted on a regular basis by Inuit dialects when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of warm places without snow all year round." 

should have read,

 "I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between the Antarctic and civilisation i.e. anywhere with polar bears. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly good at its main (only) job as I have never seen any penguins strolling through the leafless suburbs of Nuuk."

2. "..Robin Hood an Eskimo? Unlikely, although it might explain the strange smell of fish "

should have read,

"..Robin Hood a penguin? Not even in a Disney cartoon!"

I hope that any, every and all misunderstandings are now resolved in the confident knowledge that penguins are not avid museum visitors, and even if they were, the absence of fingers and a good internet connection in the Southern Ocean will keep them quiet

My new intern has proved such a help that I have given him the key to the museum while I am at the Museums Association Conference - so if you are in the area pop in and Big Baz and his little mongrel dog Osborne will give you a welcome you won't forget.

Corrected Correction

The reaction to yesterdays blog A Correction from the people of God's Own City (London to you and me) has been somewhat negative. Upon re-re-reading it I realise that a few more grammatical errors on my intern's part may have led some to that conclusion. I have sacked my new intern (from the Yorkshire Post) and replaced him at short notice with my new intern (recently made redundant from the Antarctic Bugle as her articles lacked warmth) to correct the corrections as follows:

1. "I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between London and civilisation i.e. Yorkshire. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly poor at its main (only) job as I am assaulted on a regular basis by fruity southern vowels when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of Doncaster." 

should have read,

 "I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between the Arctic and civilisation i.e. anywhere warm. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly good at its main (only) job as I am never assaulted on a regular basis by Inuit dialects when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of warm places without snow all year round."

2. "..Robin Hood a Londoner? Surely Londoners take from the poor to give to the rich."

should have read,

"..Robin Hood an Eskimo? Unlikely, although it might explain the strange smell of fish "

I hope that any misunderstandings are now resolved and we can all go back to ignoring the north south divide.

Now I can go to the Museums Association Conference confident in the knowledge that my interns have offended everyone equally.

A Correction

The reaction to this weekend's blog More East Midlands Heritage Madness from the people of God's Own County (Yorkshire to you and me) has been somewhat negative. Upon re-reading it I realise that a few grammatical errors on my part may have led some to that conclusion. I have blamed my intern (recently made redundant from the Guardian as a copy editor) so I've given the job to my new intern (recently made redundant from the Yorkshire Post as a t' editor) to make the corrections as follows

1. "I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between Yorkshire and civilisation i.e. London. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly poor at its main (only) job as I am assaulted on a regular basis by flat vowels when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of SW1." 

should have read,

"I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between London and civilisation i.e. Yorkshire. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly poor at its main (only) job as I am assaulted on a regular basis by fruity southern vowels when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of Doncaster." "

2. "..Robin Hood a Yorkshireman? A Yorkshireman knows too much the value of 'brass' to give it away."

should have read,

"..Robin Hood a Londoner? Surely Londoners take from the poor to give to the rich"

Any offence caused was entirely intentional and any resemblance to person or persons is truly remarkable

More East Midlands Heritage Madness

Last week my attention was drawn to the strange world of East Midlands heritage, so I've made it my mission to keep an eye on it so that the rest of you don't have to. However I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that there is something strangely great about this part of the world - but more of that later.

I used to regard the East Midlands as a sort of geographical barrier between Yorkshire and civilisation i.e. London. A sort of regional Hadrian's Wall. It has proved surprisingly poor at its main (only) job as I am assaulted on a regular basis by flat vowels when strolling through the leafy thoroughfares of SW1.

I hasten to add I do not regard the West Midlands in the same way, things seem to happen there. They've had this Shakespeare bloke producing plays for posh people for ages. Slade and Wizard invented the Christmas party in 1973 with 'Merry Christmas Everybody' and 'I Wish it Could Be Could Be Christmas Everyday'. The world would certainly be a poorer place without Ozzy Osbourne and Robbie Williams. However after a short mental drive up the M42 I could only come up with Paper Lace's 'Billy Don't Be a Hero', a moving celebration of cowardice. At least they had the word lace in their name.

At last I realised they've got Robin Hood, an international signifier of fairness and the struggle of  people for justice. They must be shouting about him from the roof tops. Hmm... apparently not. The best I could find was a celebration of the Sheriff of Nottingham at the Galleries of Justice Museum  - the baddie! This has allowed Doncaster to try and claim him, but Robin Hood a Yorkshireman? A Yorkshireman knows too much the value of 'brass' to give it away.

Then suddenly local BBC website is crowing about 2 multi-million pound Robin Hood extravaganzas. A £13m development at Nottingham Castle and a £13m development in Sherwood Forest.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-20146713

Instantly local academics are questioning their sustainability. It's slightly surprising they are not complaining that it's not the King John Visitor Extravaganza.

However look a bit more closely to see the peculiar East Midlands madness at work.

It seems Nottinghamshire County Council want to build a castle in Sherwood Forest and Nottingham City Council want to recreate Sherwood Forest in the castle. If they want each others assets that badly why don't they just do a swap and spend the £26m on a Paper Lace museum?

Better still - have Nottingham City noticed they haven't got a castle? Spend the £13m knocking down that hideous modern bungalow masquerading as a castle and put up a proper one. Has Nottinghamshire County noticed that Sherwood Forest is down to about half a dozen trees and a 'major oak' held together with concrete and steel girders. Spend the £13m planting trees to recreate the splendour of the original hunting grounds. Problem solved and there may still be a few ££ left over for the Paper Lace museum.

Next week it's the Museum Association conference and I'll be reporting on that extravaganza in my next blog. In the meantime those of you going to Edinburgh this year from Museumland (London) and you are flying over the East Midlands or your train is briefly stopping at Grantham, look out the window and wave at a place of unassuming madness we should all celebrate - the EAST MIDLANDS.

Save Our East Midlands Car Parks

I have felt compelled to break from my usual blogs about the ongoing challenge of managing a modern museum to reflect on disturbing news emanating from the heart of England.

The good burghers of Leicester have recently vandalised a perfectly good car park to find a 500 year old suspect in double child murder case known as Richard III (or known in gangland circles as Triple Dickie). Not so much a cold case as an ice box. What are they going to do? Find the skeleton guilty and sentence him to permanent display in the Galleries of Justice in Nottingham?

This could be put down to an aberration, but then I discover that the wayward citizens of Northampton are busily destroying their car park heritage to find a castle. A castle! A building for which there is no practical use and will be a drain on the local economy. The exact opposite of a car park. What has Leicester started?

Next thing you know Lincoln will be knocking down a perfectly good multi storey car park to put up a new museum unimaginatively called 'The Collection' or something. Oh no, they've already done that.

What is it with the East Midlands? Don't they realise they are merely a region you go through in order to get to somewhere else. Will they attract more visitors by emphasising their violent and murderous past, or have more places to park? I think the answer is obvious.

Lets start a Save our East Midlands Car Parks campaign. In this country we only want to save our heritage when it is under threat. Lets act now before they are all gone. Already they are becoming much more expensive to use- soon we'll stop using them and then there's nothing to stop heritage vandals from putting useless castles in their place.

Act Now! Start a passive resistance campaign. Go shopping in Derby this weekend-by car. The future is in your hands.

You have been warned.

The Armstrong Defence for Museum Management

You may be wondering at my lack of communication recently.

My last couple of blogs outlining my top tips for museum management resulted in a somewhat unexpected round of grievance cases, resignations and a generous amount of time given to me to tend my garden. Suitably rested and having encouraged an amazing collection of thistles, dandelions and  nettles I'm back.

However, this break enabled me to enjoy the 'Great Summer of Sport'. I now know the Olympic Games happened in somewhere called Lundin; Andy Murray became a Great British tennis player rather than a Scottish loser, and some bloke rode his pushbike around France and all he won was a lousy yellow t-shirt.

After becoming a cycling enthusiast, I then discover that lots of pushbike riders claimed to have taken drugs to help them ride better. This seems ludicrous. I once tried to ride home from the Dog and Duck with 10 pints of lager inside me - as a result  I spent the night in a ditch and now have a permanent limp. Thus Lance Armstrong must be telling the truth and he is surely an inspiration to us all in his stance when all evidence points to his guilt.

So here are three tips for the 'Lance Armstrong Defence' to be used in disciplinary hearings but can be useful for museums in general.

1. Refuse to mount a defence and walk out on the witch hunt.

Museums could learn from this advocacy method in response to public sector cuts. Ignore the loss of income and keep spending. What can the funders do? Sell the collection? No wait....

2. Despite being tested over 500 times I never displayed any signs of positive management.

Museums should avoid positive management at all costs, because if its discovered just once assumptions will be that it could have been done all the time - reputations would be ruined overnight

3. All the eyewitness testimony is biased, because the witnesses are all bitter alcoholics and prostitutes.

A catch all description for any critic of the museum. If said with a vehement conviction whilst foaming at the mouth if nothing else this will buy you time and medical attention.

If you use these defences relentlessly and with gusto it will take the authorities at least 10 years to prove your guilt by which time they would have closed the museum anyway.

Good luck!

Managing Change

This blog continues to chart the move to trust status of the Museum of Unreason.

This week, although I have been continuing to work on the detailed business plan, one thing I have realised is that things have to change.

When managing change there are many problems to resolve, theories to implement, ungrateful and under performing staff to sack etc.

Every manager should have a theory, you should listen to people who make sense to you, and mock unmercifully people you disagree with. So purely in terms of human resource management Machiavelli is one of my management guru heroes. I am particularly fond of, 'A prince never lacks legitimate reasons to break his promise'. I also slavishly follow his 'Before all else, be armed'.

In terms of advice on taking up a new post in a museum, Machiavelli is clear, 'The new ruler must determine all the injuries that he will need to inflict. He must inflict them once and for all.' Inspirational stuff.

But he is a lot less confident when it comes to managing change, 'There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things.' Now that is worrying when the most enlightened management consultant in European history says that change management is a difficult thing to do. (For a more conservative Eastern perspective there is nothing better than Sun Tsu's Art of War. Try his advice in your next management meeting, 'Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness' and see what happens.)

Anyway, in terms of change management I have had to find my own path. So here is my practical advice for instant action.

1. Hide in a cupboard until all the staff have gone home.

2. Spend the evening rearranging all the items in the office and, crucially, the museum stores

3. The next day if you have done your job properly the institution will instantly grind to a halt and the stick in the mud curator will have a a spectacular nervous breakdown, verbally abuse you and fall into your 'dealing with criticism by under performing staff' trap (see previous blog).

4. Now its your opportunity to initiate the 'need to change' conversation. Add incentives such as promising to tell the staff where the toilet roll is when they have agreed to all cost cutting measures and operational changes. Note Machiavelli's advice above on promises to keep them on their toes.

Thus instant action is generated and whatever unrest you have caused, reassure yourself with Machiavelli again, 'Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil'

Now you know what any enlightened manager realises and knows to be true -

You are doing good work and the staff are all evil.










All quotes helpfully supplied by


http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/n/niccolo_machiavelli_3.html#dDrwAIe0HJreTosE.99

Dealing with criticism from underperforming museum staff - the 'Unreasoning Way'

This blog continues to chart the move to trust status of the Museum of Unreason. Over the past few weeks I have been working on the detailed business plan. However the interim report I sent to the guiding committee, and I quote from the executive summary,

"...the museum makes no sense as a business and is unsustainable, will continue to be unsustainable and will never ever be sustainable while I have anything to do with it...",

has resulted in criticism of my management, when it was clearly my intention to blame everybody else.

So now is an appropriate time to deal with the criticism and at the same time offer advice on how to deal with underperforming staff. Firstly a word of warning, this cannot be done quickly, much time must be spent in front of the mirror practising your sincerity before tackling the situation. Assuming, like me, you do it as a matter of course when you look in the bathroom mirror every morning lets cut to the chase.

1. Analyse the nature of the performance shortfall and quantify all the reasons you can think of why the staff are to blame.You only need to do this once then keep photocopies in your filing cabinet with gaps to put the name in when the occasion arises.

2. Meet with the scapegoat key member of staff in a relaxed non-threatening environment. I prefer the gents toilets (toilet rolls handy to deal with manipulative tears and also for comfort breaks when the meeting drags on).

3. Make sure that all parties are aware that this is a positive meeting and begin by asking how we as a team can come up with solutions to the problems.

4. Listen very very carefully and pull the sincere face you've been practising in the mirror A LOT. But what you are waiting for is any admission of error, weakness, culpability on his/her part that has contributed to the problem. As an experienced and competent manager like myself you will be forced to listen to a lot of the blame being directed towards you, but as an experienced and competent manager like myself you know this to be a sign of staff incompetence and it is your job to prove it.

5. At the end of the exchange of views, clarify and summarise the meeting in an objective, non-judgemental and sympathetic way then immediately replace the useless waster with someone who can actually do the work, preferably on a voluntary basis.

Job done! Thus we move one step closer to sustainability, and in the case of getting rid of the curator not having to listen to constant demands for acid free paper when we have piles of toilet roll to use up.

My next task - start paying my staff in Euros.

The Jumblies Jubilee

The Museum of Unreason has taken a break from planning it's inexorable move towards trust status to celebrate the fact that our noble Queen isn't dead yet. Thus we all get an extra day off work to celebrate life and that is a good thing. However in the museum world it means we have to open our doors for longer so no day off for us.

However, the management sent me a memo for me to organise 'something, anything for the Jumbilee'. I think there may have been a misprint as I know the Jumblies have the 'i' after the 'l'. But I found it a strange coincidence that there was an Edward Lear anniversary (he was born in 1812) the very same year that the Queen was still alive. So I hit upon THE JUMBLIES JUBILEE - a red, white and blue celebration of sieve based water transport.

So if you visit the Museum of Unreason this weekend all the staff and volunteers (the ones who haven't resigned) have had their heads painted green and their hands painted blue. On sale is no end of Stilton cheese, owls, useful carts, pounds of rice and cranberry tarts (sure to be big sellers - kindly supplied by Mrs. Aged-Volunteer).The live pig and monkey have been a bit of a handful, but putting neat brandy in their food seems to have calmed them down. However there is jackdaw poo everywhere (the cleaner is going to kill me once I've persuaded her to withdraw her resignation).

I made it my personal challenge to brew up 40 bottles of Ring-Bo-Ree. Unfortunately the internet and in particular Wikipedia has let me down - they don't have the recipe.

So my idea for fun for all the family is 'brew your own Ring-Bo-Ree'

In the interest of research I thought I'd better test the idea with a recipe of my own. Exploring my drinks cupboard I began to experiment.

1 shot of vodka
1 shot of schnapps
1 shot of brandy
1 shot of gin
1 shot of Etna Fire (much regretted drunken holiday purchase)
1 shot of whiskey
1 shot of whisky
1 ice cube, 1 umbrella, 1 straw, 1 bucket
another shot of brandy
more vodka
more brandy
a bit more vodka
morr wiskie
sum more brindie
bigger bukket

who you looking at?
I luv you, I've always luvved you
Of course I always dance like this
Ooh I never realised the ceiling looked like that


Edward Lear RIP & God Save the Queen

Hairy Trotter and the Deathly Board of Shadows

"An effective board of trustees should be able to draw on a diverse range of skills, knowledge, qualities and experience to help it fulfil its roles." National Council for Voluntary Organisations 


The Museum of Unreason is taking the tortuous and twisted journey towards becoming the Unreasonable Trust. Museum manager Frank Unreasoning has been using the Yorkshire Renaissance step by step guide to creating a trust as his guide into these uncharted waters. He is helped in this process by the cleaner SUE (Seriously Under Employed) and the Chair of the Friends Group BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody). Frank is now concerned with recruiting the SHADOW BOARD OF TERROR.


A couple of hours quiet contemplation in the central cubicle of the gents toilet in the Museum of Unreason allowed me to come up with a list of skills needed for the new board written on our official museum stationery.

• Legal knowledge
• Financial knowledge
• Knowledge of the community
• Knowledge of the museum
• NOW WASH YOUR HANDS
• Negotiating skills
• Team working skills
• Fund raising skills 
• Networking abilities

Not a bad list, but other than myself who would embody all these attributes? Remembering my strategic planning skills I've come up with a vision of the ideal 'Unreasonable Board'.

• Legal knowledge - If only Franz Kafka was still alive. He wrote 'The Trial' which neatly encapsulates a typical museum manager's paranoia - or is that just me? He'd bring a much needed light-heartedness to board meetings. Plus his definition of lawyers is so perceptive, "It's only because of their stupidity that they're able to be so sure of themselves." I must quote that to our solicitors (Pricey, Inept and Tardy Partners) sometime.

• Financial knowledge - Bernard Madoff, recently arrested for $50bn fraud on US Stock Market. He will have some time on his hands - although attending meetings might be a problem unless he gets a Community Service Order. I would trust him to see us through the choppy financial waters with innovative thinking such as moving the museum to the Bahamas.

• Knowledge of the community - I'm thinking L.Ron Hubbard the founder of Scientology (he's not dead because we are all immortal) would get the community into shape and probably not want to let the visitors leave at the end of the day thereby increasing secondary spend.

• Knowledge of the museum - that has to be the cleaner Sue, if I ask her to be on the board she might tell me where she's hidden all the toilet rolls.

• NOW WASH YOUR HANDS - Howard Hughes?

• Negotiating skills - Its got to be Jeremy Hunt, how he is still in his job must be down to this skill

• Team working skills - The problem is that we don't have multiple occupancy toilet cubicles for our meetings (I'd better put that in the business plan). I'm convinced that would help us get to know each other a lot better. George Michael springs to mind as a man with a good reputation for sharing in public toilets.

• Fund raising skills - my new Russian girlfriend seems to have some good ideas*

• Networking abilities - Rupert Murdoch could make a good team with the board's negotiator.

It sounds like Bob has entered the cubicle beside me, I suppose I have to ask him to be the Chair.

Next week - detailed business planning

* as mentioned in my last blog I had a hot date with 'Olga' this weekend. Meeting her was a bit of a surprise as she didn't look much like her picture. She was closer to 50 than 18, grey haired rather than blonde and a man rather than a woman. Those things aside, it was still exciting as she was my first ever proper girlfriend. Also I never realised how expensive penicillin was in Russia, but I've set up a direct debit to ensure Olga's sick grandmother gets the best treatment she can. I also leant Olga the airfare to go back to Russia to tell her the good news. She's promised to write and said we'll get married as soon as she returns. Let me tell you it was the most exciting 5 minutes of my life.

Who To Trust Too - legal matters

The Museum of Unreason is taking the long and lonely journey towards becoming the Unreasonable Trust. Museum manager Frank Unreasoning has been using the Yorkshire Renaissance step by step guide to creating a trust as his guide into these uncharted waters. He is helped in this process by the cleaner SUE (Seriously Under Employed) and the Chair of the Friends Group BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody).

Having successfully completed the 'Part 1 Feasibility Stage'  in the centre cubicle of the gents toilet, I waited there until all the staff had gone home. It only remained for me to actually get the public out of the building and close the doors to enable 'Part 2 The Detailed Planning Phase' to begin in earnest.

Part 2 The Detailed Planning Phase

LEGAL - Prepare necessary documentation.

Having found a cushion for the toilet seat and put in an extra order for toilet rolls for the paperwork I had the supplies ready to start to 'prepare the necessary documentation'. After quite a considerable length of time (increased by having to follow the order to 'now wash your hands' at the bottom of every sheet) I finished the document.

Although every museum manager must be able to multitask I realised that I was not legally trained so I needed some advice (even Sue couldn't help with this). However recently the council had outsourced our legal advice to 'Pricey, Inept and Tardy' solicitors in the High Street. Consultation with them was bound to use up the remaining museum budget so I hit upon a good plan. I anonymously sent the draft legal agreement to them coupled with a bomb warning and threatened to detonate it in 72 hours unless they gave me advice to be deposited in the form of a telephone box sex ad number at the booth on the corner by the chip shop. Photos of some old WWII ammunition in the Museum of Unreason's collection proved useful in this respect (note to self, take them out of the schools handling collection and put them into a secure store).

This plan turned out slightly more expensive than I imagined as there were a lot of numbers to go through before finding the right one. However, on the plus side I learned some interesting new 'exercises' which may be possible after a drastic weight loss programme and a series of yoga sessions. Even better, I have date this weekend with a genuine high class playful Russian lady who is very anxious to meet me, but who has an ailing grandmother in Moscow. I hope I can help her in some way.

Eventually I got my advice.

"Frank is that you again? We have a council retainer so the advice won't cost you anything, but thank you for your document as we were running short of toilet roll supplies. It seems the supply company has run out because of a massive order from another organisation. We have a standard set of documents that we can send to the museum or put in a skip round the corner if you prefer."

I opted for the skip just to be safe.

Documentation successfully prepared I went to the next step.

LEGAL  - Establish shadow board and chair-designate

Easy  - a quick trip to Homebase for a bright light, chipboard and an office chair seemed would solve that problem. As I was setting this up the cleaner advised me that it should involve people as well and furthermore where was she expected to put all the toilet rolls? So I quickly retired to the central cubicle of the gents toilet again to wait for the Bob to come in so that I could offer him another piece of furniture to sit on.


Next week - recruiting the shadow board

Who To Trust?

The Museum of Unreason's complete and utter failure to gain Arts Council Major Grunt funding has led to plan B. We will become a Trust. Is this a good thing? Like any good manager I've broken the task down into manageable stages.

Stage 1: research
I've heard of the National Trust, an organisation dedicated to preserving the smell of lavender in retail outlets. I've also heard of the Welcome Trust, an organisation dedicated to preserving doormats (I think). Research over.

Stage 2: steal other ideas
Result! I discover Renaissance Yorkshire's, "An Opportunity for Change" the ideal planning aid

http://www.yorkmuseumstrust.org.uk/assets/exploring_trust_option_for_museum_services.pdf

This document offers a step by step planning guide for competent museum managers. Alas Renaissance never produced a guide for incompetent managers.

Stage 3: read and weep

Stage 4: have several cups of coffee and have the document explained to you by the cleaner (Peterhouse Cambridge, double first BA in History and Politics, MA in the History of Philosophical Thought and PhD in European Union Cultural Identity)  who isn't able to get a job in the museum because she is under qualified.

Stage 4: start the feasibility stage - part 1

LEGAL
Assess your current legal position - That's easy, 3 points on my driving licence and a police ban on going within 300 yards of the Dog and Whistle pub in my local village (perhaps that will be the subject of another blog - suffice to say she started it!).

BUSINESS
Define intention - Definite intention to be a business
Define Position - Currently in centre cubicle of gents toilet hiding from the cleaner
Identify options - Climbing out the window seems most likely
Assess options - I'm not as young as I was and I've put on a bit of weight recently so its going to be a tight squeeze
Develop recommendation for future governance - get bigger windows in the gents toilet

COMMUNICATION
Identify stakeholders - That must be the chair of the friends group, I like to call him BOB (Blindly Optimistic Busybody)
Inform stakeholders - Message already written on the toilet roll
Keep stakeholders informed appropriately - Trying to throw the toilet roll through the window is proving trickier than expected
Discuss findings with stakeholders - I suppose I'll have to wait until Bob's next bowel movement

Part 2 next week.

Which Hunt?

World exclusive - leaked first draft of Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt's statement to the House of Commons before he realised the leaked emails related to the News Corp takeover of BSkyB and not the Museum of Unreason's application for Arts Council Major Grant funding.

"Transcripts of conversations due to be published between me - oops sorry, I mean my special adviser and a Museum of Unreason member of staff identified as Frank Rason, have suggested I have a back passage. This is really, really, really not the case. However, the volume, tone and intimations of sexual favours within those communications were clearly not appropriate in this quasi-ludicrous process, and today Whotisname has resigned as my special adviser.

"I have strictly followed some process or other, seeking the advice of random people in the street and after seconds of careful consideration acted on their advice to stop bothering them and piss off.

"I made four decisions in this process and each of those decisions was contrary to what the Museum of Unreason wanted.

"The first decision I made was that I was half-minded to refer the bid to the waste paper bin, but my integrity forced me into my second decision that I would not make a decision until I had bought a shredder from Staples* and taken advice from the shop assistant on how it worked.

"The third decision I made was to extend the period of consultation because Staples was closed when I got there after work. My final decision was to go then go home for tea and not invite Mr. Unreasoning.

"The only contact I had with Frank Rason was an accidental meeting in Ladbroke Grove public conveniences with other people present. The fact that there are emails in which he talks about having personal contact with me, simply did not happen - he remained at a safe distance at the adjacent urinal, and I am reliably informed he always wears rubber gloves and a snorkel to perform his ablutions. Furthermore his suggestion that he called me before I went to see Swan Lake is wrong, I actually went to see Lady Boys of Bangkok five days later.

"I accept, and I've told my special advisor that he also accepts, that those communications overstepped the mark...I knew Wotsisname was authorised to be one of a number of contact points within my back passage, but having seen those communications it is clear that the volume and content was inappropriate.

"The idea that I was backing the Museum of Unreason's bid is laughable, in fact the Museum of Unreason itself is laughable, and the fact that I have any integrity at all is also laughable. So lets all laugh about it."

If only




*other office suppliers are available

'This is Art War' - how to deal with museum funding cuts

At the last the world is beginning to catch onto cloudy and unreasonable thinking. Globally the museum sector has taken more than its fair share of pain as austerity cuts bite. Museums desperately try and preserve their collections with ever shrinking budgets and staff numbers. Things aren't going to get better any time soon. So creative thinking, innovative thinking, unreasonable thinking is required.

Thus my heart skipped a beat when I read about the director of the Cosario Contemporary Art Museum setting fire to one of his paintings to draw attention to the critical state of funding for his museum.

The painting worth c.£6000 was burnt in the presence of the artist. One assumes the artist was complicit in this act rather than being held back by two burly men whilst hurling unrepeatable invective in the general direction of the fire.

This is inspired unreasonable thinking. The setting fire to museum pieces instantly reduces pressure on the stores and associated collections management responsibilities. It reduces fuel bills and stops the museum being pestered to receive (largely unwanted) donations. Just imagine the conversation when the donator of a treasured heirloom having tearfully given it to the local museum discovers it has been deposited not on display, not in stores, not even in the handling collection, but in the 'winter warmer' pile. With less objects to see, there will be less need for advertising, front of house staff etc. The potential savings are enormous.

However, I think it is an unfortunate precedent that has been set to have the artist present at the destruction. On the plus side it might force Banksy out of his pretentious anonymity, on the downside digging up a Renaissance master and propping him up next to the fire would be inconvenient, costly and a bit smelly. Furthermore I can see some curators objecting to the addition of grave-robbing to their job descriptions.

My recommendation is to forget the artist and get those priceless works straight down to the boiler room (singing as you go is optional) confident in the knowledge that it is the bankers to blame.

The alternative approach of setting fire to bankers is clearly unthinkable or is it just 'unreasonable'?

Read more here http://rt.com/news/italian-crisis-burning-art-497/

Titanic Gets UNESCO Protection

After a winter of hibernation from unreasonable thinking, I have emerged from my cardboard box located in the corner of the costume store to find the museum world as unreasonable as ever. Four hours ago I came across this headline.

Titanic wreckage to become Unesco heritage

 
Do my eyes deceive me or has the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation entered the world of film criticism. I know Titanic was never popular with the critics, but 'wreckage' is a bit harsh. But to give it UNESCO protection is a ground breaking move.  This is no doubt prompted by the imminent release of Titanic 3D - they clearly thought urgent action was needed.

There has been some talk about tangible and intangible heritage of late and UNESCO has been at the forefront of that debate and has slowly been trying to protect more than just buildings and landscapes. But I have to admire their leap into the protection of overblown, expensive, critically lambasted yet immensely popular modern cinema productions.

Cinema is clearly under threat and awareness of its heritage is growing. Awarding 'The Artist' the Best Film Oscar this year is evidence of this. But the speed of heritage protection development in the cinema world is bewildering. It took 50 years to get world heritage protection off the ground. Even then many sites of 'universal' importance have taken a long time to get onto the world heritage list. After having protected the obvious (Taj Mahal, Stonehenge etc.) it took time to getting round to protecting coal mines and housing estates.

Compare this development to UNESCO's move to movie protection. No discussion, no committees agonising for 50 years  -  just immediate action. Then what is the first movie they want to protect? Citizen Kane? Casablanca? Gone With the Wind? No - straight to the cinematic equivalent of a Berlin housing estate - Titanic.

Why? Like a housing estate Titanic isn't high culture, its popular culture. Like a housing estate its large and expensive and not loved by critics. And like a housing estate problems of chronic rising damp.

Thus I applaud UNESCO for breaking out of the straight jacket of current heritage protection thinking. In this spirit I look forward to my local 'Hooters' bar becoming a listed building, the local rubbish dump becoming a conservation area and my car becoming scheduled as an ancient monument. This may be too idealistic but still I will be writing to UNESCO to propose that the second movie they might like to consider protecting is 'Carry On Up the Khyber'.

Major Grant Imminent, Major Grunt Inevitable

Palms are sweaty, forehead is glistening, hair is receding and greying - why? Wednesday 25th January 2012 is the day the Arts Council of England (ACE) announce the Major Grants for museums with designated collections in England. A potential boost of millions of £££ for museums is imminent - Major Grant. Or a potential loss of income, staff combined with the crushing of hopes and dreams - Major Grunt. Well at least for 3 years anyway. What will happen on Wednesday Grant or Grunt?

1.

Major Grant  -  Celebrate with staff                                                          

Major Grunt -  Tell staff Strategic Grant was the main aim all along

2.

Major Grant  - Put "too rich to care"on your  Outlook auto reply                                                       

Major Grunt -  Put "closing down sale now on" on your Outlook Outlook auto reply                                                 

                                           

3.

Major Grant  - Try to remember the 5 strategic ACE goals                                                                                                                                            

Major Grunt -  Know you will never forget the 5 strategic ACE goals                                

4.

Major Grant  - Know you are now officially an excellent museum                                                                                  

Major Grunt - Know you are now certainly going to be an ex museum  

5.

Major Grant  - Know you now have diverse audiences                                                                                                  

Major Grunt -  Know you now have reverse audiences

6.

Major Grant  - Know your museum embodies leadership                                                                                                            

Major Grunt - Know your museum exudes desperation

7.

Major Grant  - Know you are now a child friendly museum                                                                                                         

Major Grunt - Know that claiming to be child friendly will definitely get you arrested

As Albert Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results" - so book yourself in for psychiatric treatment now, because you are going to go through it again in 3 years time. Either that or 2015 will find you taking it easy on a park bench in London cradling a bottle of meths. It's your choice.

New Year's Resolution: Clear that backlog

Happy New Year dear reader.

After a Christmas break watching reviews of the year which singularly failed to mention the museum crisis in this country I began thinking about starting 2012 off as positively as possible given that the world is apparently guaranteed to end on 21st December 2012. This gives plenty of time for the conscientious museum professional to meet his or her maker with their museum meeting current accreditation standards.

So here is my to do list.

1. CLEAR THE ACCESSIONING BACKLOG ONCE AND FOR ALL. I can't allow everything to be destroyed in a global apocalypse without being properly recorded.
2. I realise I am unable create the time to do it myself, so I will apply for small grant funding to employ part time staff to clear the backlog.
3. In the current circumstances money is thin on the ground so I will instead recruit new volunteers and train them up to do it.
4. I don't have time to train volunteers myself. So I will recruit fully trained registrars as volunteers thereby cynically using the glut of recently unemployed museum professionals.
5. All unemployed registrars will still want paying and have already set themselves up as consultants so I will create four backlog clearance timetables based upon objectives 1-4.
6. I don't have time to create four timetables, so I will simply re-write the collections management strategy to reflect the available resources to clear the backlog.
7. Sod it - I'll just call it all a 'handling collection'.
8. Bugger - objections from the Education Manager means I will ethically dispose of the backlog, or failing that sell the stuff on ebay.
9. Bollocks - museums don't want to increase their collections and the trustees don't want to be seen to be selling their stuff.
10. Hire a skip and hope nobody notices before 21st December.

Happy New Year